My Unexpected Bad Habit
by kattykitty
Summary: JD/Cox: The death of JD's father starts a whole new set of problems when Dr. Cox first offers him the hug he's always wanted. What does he actually want? More the point, what the hell is Dr. Cox doing? Rated M for SEX! R&R! CHAPTER 33 UP!
1. My Cake and More

**My ****Unexpected Bad Habit**

**_Slash Alert: ALWAYS read the label. The last thing you want to do is to be reading something and discover too late that it's a 'hide the sausage' fic. XD _**

_**Set during "My Cake" (Season 4) - trust me, if you watch that episode after you've read the first few chapters of this fic, you'll never look at it in the same way again!**_

_**R & R pleasey-please!**__** M for sexual content now, later on, and who knows when? Om nom nom nom. Enjoy, my lovelies.**_

_**Chapter One - My Cake and More**_

"So now you're making fun of me because I need a little help getting through this?"

There it was again; that flash in Dr. Cox's eyes that told me if I didn't shut up soon, something very, very bad would happen and I'd end up in far worse trouble than I'd started out in. The trouble was, that day couldn't possibly get any worse – or so I had thought. Apparently, Dr. Cox's indifference would hurt far more than I'd wagered.

I saw him take a millisecond to keep his temper in check, and that almost came close to appeasing me – it wasn't often that he, my mentor, my tormentor, actually took time to think about what it was that I needed. I prepared myself to just shake my head and tell him to forget it, when he, sarcasm rolling off of his recently sharpened tongue, said,

"No, I'm… I'm really trying."

Well, that was it, wasn't it? I had tried, for years, to be everything he could have wanted from me, done everything he could've needed – let's face it, I would've probably halfway killed myself just to make him feel even the slightest bit proud of me. And now, in one of my darkest moments, he was laughing at me. Mocking me. Don't get me wrong, Dr. Cox never made life particularly easy, but at that moment, all I could think of was how much I hated him.

And hating him made it hurt all the more.

I shut my eyes for a second, to prepare myself for what I was about to do. It wasn't like I could stop myself – but I wanted to prepare for it just the same. I opened my mouth and that… that is where it all began. "You know what? I am _sick_ of getting dumped on, and I'm sick of you!"

And then…

Then…

I shoved him.

Not hard enough for him to stagger, just hard enough for his shoulder to move back and for his eyes to slowly find mine, controlled anger swimming beneath the surface as that dangerous smile slipped onto his face. The thing that I was steadily realising underneath my hatred was that my emotions, and my reactions, weren't as normal.

Usually? Well, I would freeze up in terror and my mind would manipulate images of all the different ways he could kill me at that very moment, ending with a stupid phrase being blurted out (something I'd been working on stopping, but decided one day it would be the makings of my fame) – yet here I was, standing in front of the one man I feared most in the world, looking him directly in the eyes after pushing him hard enough for his body to move.

"Newbie," he said, his voice low, that smile still on his lips, "don't shove me."

"Oh really? Why not?"

Cue the second shove, slightly harder than the first, and filled with move bravado and less real feeling than the first. I tried desperately not to listen to my head, which screamed "_for crying out loud you idiot, stop, stop now!"_ – I was enjoying this new sense of power, even if I knew it would all end in tears, namely, my own. I had to savour it, because I knew in the next few minutes he was sure to reclaim it back.

"Because whenever anyone shoves me more than twice, my mind goes blank and all I see is this white-hot flash of fury." The smile was gone by now, and he was looking at me with his eyes very slightly narrowed, cold, his voice back to that indifferent tone that it had been when discussing the hug, which, because of my new-found bravado, still hadn't happened.

_I knew I should have accepted that damn hug…_

Too late. Thoughts had to take a step back, because actions were playing the main character today –

"When someone shoves you like this?" Cue SHOVE; the hardest of all – worst part of it being that I kept my eyes directly looking at his as I did it, which meant I could hardly fail to see that flash of a challenge leap into them. For one second, I saw a tiny smile appear on his face, almost as if he were considering me – but what was there to consider?

All bravado fell out of me at that little smile, because I knew that this was most likely to be the end of at least one of my limbs – all that I was filled with now was a cold fear that didn't taste too great at the back of my throat. I swallowed hard, finding it impossible to tear my gaze away from his icy grey one.

All I could think about was asking if he still wanted a hug.

I didn't have time to think; within seconds, there was a flash of white lab coat as I felt myself winded, strong arms throwing me up against the wall behind me. I stumbled, the chair I had been sitting on and the couch behind it blocking my movement, but I was caught and shoved up against the cold wall, my head hitting hard against it.

I could feel the cold of it through my scrubs, but it was nothing compared to the terror that was spreading through me, and the ache that made its way across my skull. I slid slightly down the wall so I was now kneeling on the couch, the upper half of my body pressed up against the wall. I looked up, finding my eyes parallel to Dr. Cox's as his strong forearm blocked me from moving, he also kneeling on the couch, knees either side of mine.

The anger in his eyes... without any sort of warning, it sent a jolt of electricity through my body and renewing the energy that had failed me before. I went to move, but the forearm threw me back, head cracking against the wall again.

I made a noise of pain, trying to move my hands up to touch where it hurt, but my mentor ensured that his arm blocked use of my left arm, and his hand stopping the right.

I was officially stuck.

"Look, Dr. Cox, I -"

"Shut it, Newbie," he interrupted, pushing harder on my chest with his arm. "Or I swear to god I'll make you scream so loud that even Nurse Roberts will come running."

I shut my mouth. He'd been angry at me before, but this had turned out very differently to how it usually went. By now, he would have hit me across the head and told me to get out – but apparently, we'd bypassed that. Now it had reached the point where he had to physically block me from moving to get his point across.

"Now, you should just consider yourself damned lucky that today it was red-hot fury, not white," he informed me in a low voice, as he moved his arm – but, to my shock, replaced it with the weight of his body. His chest leaned into mine, pressed right up against it, keeping me pressed against the back of the couch and the wall far better than his arm did. He shifted slightly, and I realised he was taking off his lab coat – what the hell?!

I blinked and gulped, trying to move myself further backwards as he balled it up and threw it to the floor. He then lifted his chest from me once more, replacing it with that arm. He looked at me, looking at the panic in my eyes and grinned. "Well, I wouldn't want to mess it up, would I? I only washed it Friday."

_So that's why it smells like heaven…_

"What are you gonna do to me?" I squeaked, eyes darting around for some kind of weapon to use against him, maybe a new grown cactus or the plastic sword Carla let Turk bring into work that day for funsies.

For a few seconds I could feel that light-headedness that came with my daydreams start to grow, and I knew that if I let myself slip into it, it would almost definitely be this situation turning into a huuuuuge hug…

Still, however tempting this was I also knew it would probably result in me hugging him in real life, and no one wants to risk the death sentence that could come along with it.

Well, maybe it was worth it…

"Well, Rachel, I really don't know. I mean, there are options here – dismemberment, ruining that nose job you saved up for, cutting off that pubic hair you've been waiting so long to appear… what to do, what to do…"

"I think you're cutting off the circulation to my neck -"

"Awww, come now Newbie, can't you handle a little rough handling? I mean, yes, I could be generous and let you move freely around the room whilst I decide what your punishment will be, but let's admit it, there's no fun in that for either of us -"

I shut my eyes knowing that this could be a long one, and tried to imagine that it was someone else pressed up against me. Elliot? Nah, not anymore. Snaggletooth? No, that tooth really was too distracting. Oooh, but there was that new doctor in OB/GYN that had the most gorgeous smile, what was her name? Oh yeah, Doctor Tamsin…

"- not to mention that hairstyle, I mean _really_ Priscilla, what was Mommy thinking? I know, I know, you just love those kids from Fame and all their fashion disasters but is there really any need to -"

_...__Oh Doctor Tamsin, that's just naughty..._

"- and yes, Hugh Jackman probably _does_ try his hardest, but come on, does he really need to be so crap at it? Give me a break, that's not talent at all. Speaking of no talent, what the hell was Barbie thinking when she indulged in the naughties with you, Newbie? I honestly thought she was _not_ a lesbian, but as she slept with you, it would -"

_...I didn't realise that's what those stirrups were for..._

" – vagina action, as I'm sure you'll agree. But what did you and Barbie do, exactly? I know some vagitarians go for a little grinding perhaps, or a bit of old-fashioned finger fun, but what is it with all the toys nowadays? Clips, rings, strange objects shaped like a pyramid that vibrate but surely hurt like hell -"

_...How did you get that stethoscope so warm?..._

" – and what in gods name are you doing Newbie?!"

_...oh SHIT!_

The situation had taken a huge turn for the worse thanks to my little OB/GYN daydream; without realising what I was doing, my hips had thrust themselves forward slightly, and in doing so, had just about pushed slightly against his own, well, _area_.

The only difference was, of course, I had been fantasizing about a beautiful woman, whereas he hadn't. The difference being that I was now pressing my erection up against his groin.

My erection was pressed up against Dr. Cox's groin.

My eyes travelled slowly from his icy stare down to below our navels, and rested there in utter shock. I stared, open-mouthed for a second, before my gaze flew back to his and I shook my head wildly.

"I'm not… it's not… this isn't what it looks like!"

"I should damn well hope not, Newbie, because if you don't explain yourself in five seconds, I'm going to end up doing something I regret."

His eyes penetrated mine, darker and more dangerous than they had been before. I gulped, knowing that in five seconds, I was going to be dead meat.

"OB/GYN doctor… stethoscope… stirrups!"

The words coming out of my mouth sounded like a cheesy porn movie, but there was nothing I could do to take them back – Dr. Cox was looking at me with a raised eyebrow, shaking his head. For a second, I didn't think he was going to say anything, that maybe he would let me go to be embarrassed on my own – but just as this welcome thought appeared, he grinned.

"And there was me thinking that maybe the Princess had finally fallen in love with the Prince; and, I have to admit Newbie, if that were the case, I wouldn't blame you one bit. I mean, look at me! Seriously, look at me! I am, and I mean this, in the prime of my life. I have what can only be described as a twelve pack residing on my chest, I am handsome like only roguish, sexy doctors can be, and I am a demon in the sack! So, Newbie, if it's time for confessions of a teenage drama queen, I suggest you get it over and done with now!"

I blinked. What the hell was he talking about? Did he think I was turned on because of _him_?

I shook my head hard as it tried to de-clothe him and place him in various positions all over the room, and, incidentally, all over me, and opened my mouth to speak, but it was at that very moment that I realised I had not yet moved my groin away from his, and furthermore that my erection, during those images of Dr. Cox in the nude, had not gone down in the slightest.

_What the hell is wrong with you Mr Peeps? Take a cold shower__, for crying out loud…_

"Careful there Newbie, he's shifting by the second. Whatever you're thinking of, I suggest you stop right now before your little friend, and I mean little in every sense of the word, gets over-excited."

I shifted, starting to feel frustrated and angry once again. Why did he have to mock me about every single thing? Granted, this wasn't exactly a normal occurrence, but did he have to be such an asshole about it? I wasn't the one practically mounted on top of my protégée here. "Can you please move off of me?"

He grinned. It scared me a little. "Why? Come on Barbara, give me one good reason and I might just put you out of your misery."

I shifted again, trying to move my erection away from him.

"Because you're making me uncomfortable."

"Well that's obvious, Gladys," he replied, moving his arm away from my chest and crossing both of his arms, muscles now straining against his t-shirt. "Every time you move it makes it even clearer to me. Can't you stop squirming already?"

I stopped moving, humiliated into submission. He nodded, still with that dangerous grin on his face.

"That's better. Now. What are we going to do about this little situation here?"

_What?__ What the hell does he mean by that? He can't seriously think I'm attracted to him_.

"If you get off -"

"Actually, I think it's you that needs to get off, Newbie, not me. From what I can feel through your scrubs and my trousers, you're far more inclined to play the skin-flute."

"Stop it! I'm trying to be serious here, so stop harassing me and making stupid innuendos and we can just -"

Quick as a flash, he had leaned forward, his palms resting against the wall as his face moved past mine, his lips next to my ear in mere milliseconds. A harsh, hot whisper. "Just what, Newbie? Just get right down to it? Is that what you want? Do you want me to make all this tension disappear?"

I had tensed up as he had started to whisper, and not just my muscles. My ears had always been extra sensitive, and this new assault on my senses was one that brought results. Results that would have been far better to stay lurking beneath the surface.

It was starting to ache.

_Why aren't you shoving him off? He's not holding you down properly anymore, you could just shove him off of you and escape through that door – _

I could hear my breath coming in more ragged, and I knew that he'd be able to as well, considering he was practically on top of me. This was getting crazy – completely out of control, and if I didn't move soon, I'd have to accept the fact that no matter what started this whole thing off, it wasn't the reason I was ridiculously aroused anymore –

He moved away from my ear, looking at me again. I blinked slowly, finding it ridiculously difficult to concentrate as he stood up, leaving space and cold air between us; I felt my face flush as I moved my hands to subtly cover my erection, watching out of the corner of my eye as Dr. Cox walked over to the window, looking out of it with that indifferent look once more.

Realising that he was actually just being a decent guy and letting me stand up and gather what was left of my respect together, I rose to my feet, trying to ignore the weakness that had spread through my legs throughout the whole thing and cleared my throat so he would know I was sorted.

He turned, and fixed me with a stare. It was intense, indifferent and interrogatory all at the same time, and made me want to bolt from the room.

"You can't do that again, Newbie," he said in that quiet, low voice that he had used earlier whilst warning me not to shove him. For a moment I thought he was talking about what had just happened/not happened/somethinged on the couch, but then he continued. "You can't just lose it every time something goes wrong. You can't always get what you want from people, and you need to realise that sooner rather than later – otherwise you'll always end up disappointed."

"Like you, then?" I replied, trying to inject some humour into my voice, but finding it impossible. What had just happened? One second ago he was practically coming onto me, and the next he's distant and serious again. It confused me, and made me want to escape to the open corridors of the hospital even more.

Dr. Cox shot me a look.

"Like me," he replied bitterly, and before I could say another word, he turned and yanked the door open, striding out of it. As the door slowly began to shut again, I heard Elliot's chirpy voice and his low grumble, but it was only in the background of my mind; I was still completely dazed from whatever it was that had just happened, and couldn't quite get my mind around it.

_Did I just get aroused by Dr. Cox?_

_More importantly…_

_Did he just try and make me aroused, or am I completely getting it wrong?_

Something warm had started to drip onto my lip; surprised, I reached up and touched my finger to the substance, and glanced at it – blood? How long had that been there? It had been a long time since fear had caused a nosebleed, and I hoped to god that Dr. Cox hadn't seen it. No doubt he'd find some amusing comment to make next time he saw me.

If he'd even speak to me.

I sat down, burying my head in my hands.

Now Dad's death wasn't the only thing on my mind.


	2. Spicy

_**Well thank you all**__** so much for your reviews so far! You're absolute stars. Replies:**_

**Witty-Kate:**_ I hope that by "interesting" you mean that it's the good kind. Any suggestions you'd like to make, please, throw them my way._

**lilbishihunter: **_Thank you for the "wow" – it makes me feel much more intent on making it a worthwhile story! I hope the rest of it continues to make you exclaim so exuberantly! grins_

**megs626: **_I'm really glad you think it's IC; that's always a problem when writing something like this, it's so easy to slip OOC. Anyhoo! I'm exactly the same, I needed some new JD/Cox, so I decided to just go for it… let's hope it carries on being so entertaining. I like to think that Chapter 1 is what actually happened… love for the review! Visit again!_

**TheWeebles: **_Thanks so much – it was kind of anime/manga, wasn't it? Ah well, just adds to the charm of lovely JD. I'm really glad you're enjoying it; here is the promised update! Keep reading!_

**Bonzodog: **_Huge praise, thank you! I hope you enjoy this chapter, it's from Dr. Cox's point of view. I won't do many from his POV, so I hope it's good! Please, keep reading. Thanks again! _

_**Okay, and on with the story. Here's the second chapter; to all those that are waiting for massive slashy goodness, KEEP CALM! It will get here eventually, but I personally enjoy the run up more than everything… enjoy, my lovelies.**_

**My New Bad Habit**

**Chapter Two – Blindsighted**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

Don't get me wrong, I knew Newbie was grieving – I'm not a complete bastard. But the thing that really gets my goat, more than nearly anything, even more than Hugh Jackman, Barbie, _and _Hugh Jackman and Barbie having crazy, insecure sex - is when a girl cries, and I mean any girl – therefore, the thought of Pamela breaking down in tears in front of me made me wanna rip my beautiful curly locks out of my head and pretty much punch whoever happens to walk in my path. And I think, honestly think, that I'm perfectly within reason to feel that way.

It was for that reason, and that reason alone that I had avoided him the day that he found out about his Dad kicking the bucket. The gossip, as it does, spread around the hospital like wildfire, with Laverne at the forefront (no difference to any other day), and I, quite frankly, had better things to do than sit around and talk about how sad it was, how poor Mary-Jane was probably struggling to cope in all her womanly glory. I mean, give me a break, who needs to hear about that all the live long day? I had patients to see, and I damn well took care of them.

Then, of course, Carla decided that I had to do something for him. Why? Because, as everyone so often tells me (and understand that they suffer for it afterwards) that I am Newbie's mentor, have been since day one, once he'd realised that Kelso was in fact the anti-christ. And well yeah, who can blame him; you discover the kindly old man is a complete asshole and who do you go to? That's right; the embodiment of perfection – AKA, me.

So, after a lot of pinching and muttered Spanish (once a turn on, now a royal pain in the ass), I gave in and agreed to take Newbie's patients for him. It was that, she told me (brandishing a urine sample I might add) or going over to his apartment and giving him a hug. She wasn't the first to suggest such a ridiculous notion, but I was damn well sure she would be the last – so I made it very, very clear (brandishing a blood sample – much more intimidating than urine) that I would take his patients for that day and that would be the end of it. No hugs, no smiles, no awkward pats on the shoulder, not even a real smile – nada. He'd just have to sit back and thank me later.

This, however, did not go to plan. He, being the adolescent little girl that he is, got his panties in a twist once I snapped at him that I was, in fact, taking care of his patients for him. He retorted, in that "grown up" voice he uses when he's angry, that he didn't ask for me to do that – like it would've made a difference with everyone else on my back – and, well, that's pretty much how it eventually led to Barbie suggesting I give him the hug he's always longed for.

I'm no sissy, let's get this straight here and now; hugs are generally reserved for, well, no one but my son. The thought of hugging Newbie was a horrifying aspect and quite honestly made me want to throw myself into a burning building and not come out of it alive…

But I knew Barbie was right. It was the only way he'd come back to work without pouting the entire time.

So, I went in and proposed the hug (less than three seconds and no breath on my neck), expecting tears of joy (see how I would've got angry anyway) and instead, I got shoved.

Three times.

My reaction wasn't as it was supposed to be. I was supposed to throw him up against the wall, smash his head against it and then hit him where he continued to claim were his balls – but of course, it didn't end up that way. I went off on one of my self-indulging rants that I love so much, which I can only imagine prompted him to go off into a little fantasy about someone else, and bang – there it was. Newbie - proving either that he had a very badly timed strap on or that he does in fact have a penis - got…

…

Aw hell, he got a hard on. A full blown, no mistake hard on. Worsening the situation was his attempt to thrust at me – and seriously, if little Lacey hadn't looked at me with such fear in his eyes, I would've castrated and killed him in one movement. I was all ready to knock him out when he looked at me with those damned baby blues and made me feel something wrench deep inside of me – empathy? Sympathy? Pity? I didn't know, and I wasn't about to address it. Instead, I made a joke. He tried stumbling his way through an explanation, but quite honestly, it hurt to hear it. Stupid girl. He should know that explaining includes sentences, not words such as "stethoscope" and "stirrups". So I tried making a joke, but that fear just stayed there, not budging, and I got to admit, it actually made me consider hugging him for real – no joke – but then I realised that his hips were _still_ against mine, and that he had yet to move.

And _then_… he just made it harder. Not me, I mean; I wasn't physically turned on by any of this – hell, its Newbie, its Nancy, Naomi, Nellie, the girl that hasn't stopped following me since she arrived four years ago. Not to mention the alarming and unbelievable fact that she's a guy.

He just started trying to get me to move away from him, move my hips, my chest, my arm away from him – and that's when I started to feel something slightly more disturbing welling up inside me. Not arousal, not passion, not desire… but what I can only describe as a huge lust for power. Here was Newbie, physically weaker than me and directly opposite me with not a hope in hell of escaping without my permission, and he was in a _very_ vulnerable state. So, I did something very wrong. Something that, no doubt, will end up having a really, really bad effect on our student-mentor relationship.

I offered him the chance to ask me to help out his little problem.

Don't go judging me, he was looking all vulnerable and weak, and that made me want to control him. Nothing more. I knew he wouldn't ask anyway, so it's not like anything would've come out of it.

Once I'd moved away from his ear, I looked in his eyes again, preparing to torment him even more – but the look he gave me was so damn innocent, so stupidly shocked that I couldn't. I got away from him and moved to the window so she could get herself together without me looking and then ended up giving him a little serious talk.

…

People would wonder why I did what I did, but you can't do that. I don't even know. All I know is that since then, all I can see when I look at Newbie is a victim. Not of me, as such; as far as I'm concerned, I just screwed with him a little more than usual. But a general victim, the geek, the fool, the mourning little boy that misses his Dad.

I envy him that.

Anyway. The next step of course was to make it up to him. I paid a little visit to his brother Dan, de-bearding him of his bubbles, and then dragging him to the store. That boy needs to get his goddamn balls out and learn how to take responsibility for his little brother, and I'm pretty sure I made that clear enough to him. We stopped by my place, raided my mass of Detroit Red Wings sweatshirts for one small enough for Newbie, and then (after getting my car washed, thanks to Newbie's "ingenious" attempt at revenge) we arrived at his place, ready to watch the college game. Newbie literally freaked out the moment I walked into the room, and no matter what he says, I'm pretty damn sure that the fear wasn't because of what he did to my car. Looking at him after the game finished, all huddled down in that jersey that was still too big for him, talking about his Dad, made me realise that no matter what I told myself, I had messed with little Amy's mind when it was at its most vulnerable, and I gotta admit… I felt pretty sick with myself.

For a few minutes, at least. By the end of the night, we were all pretty drunk. Dan the most – or so I assumed. He'd had most of the beers. I forgot, in my own slightly tipsy bubble, that Newbie didn't drink much, and that three beers got him well on his way to a hangover. We all laughed and chatted like old friends (it was torture until about my eighth beer), ordered more pizza and ended up watching a cheap knock-off of Baywatch.

"Say there Newbie," I said, not taking my eyes from the screen, "how're you feeling?"

He shrugged, taking a sip (yes, a sip; further proving my vagina theory) of his beer and keeping his own eyes fixed on the TV. "Better I guess. The beer is definitely helping."

I grinned, shaking my head and risking a glance at him; he was either absorbed in the programme or thinking really hard about something. Judging from the way his eyes followed the bounce of the magnificent breasts that were on the screen at that moment in time, I assumed his concentration was aimed at the women. "As are the visual aids, I wager. A girl after my own heart." I raised my bottle to him and took a swig, idly sifting through the pizza boxes as I did so, looking for any spare pizza slices. I unearthed a box that we had apparently forgotten halfway through, a super-hot one that Newbie had failed to finish even one slice of, favouring the margherita and pepperoni. I took a bite, savouring the taste explosion in comparison to the seemingly weak beer (I was used to scotch for Christ sakes) and offered the box to Dan and Newbie.

"Did you eat all that pizza?" Dan slurred, sitting up and pointing at all the boxes. "Coxy, I'm disappointed in you… the pizza… deserves respect…"

"The pizza deserves mouths and teeths and… and… stomachs!" Newbie cried, holding his beer aloft in respect of what was left of the pizza, and reached out for a slice. "Pepperoni city, here I come!"

"Wait Newbie, that's -"

He turned to face me, blue eyes alight with drunken liveliness, questioning. "Yes, Perryyyyyyy?"

Well, he broke the rules. He called me Perry – not only that, he elongated the "y" and therefore making it even worse to my ears. So, I simply grinned and held my own beer aloft. "God love you, Newbie."

"God does love me," he confirmed, looking lovingly at the pizza before opening his mouth and coming down on it hard, ripping a huge chunk from it. He chewed for a few moments, a big smile on his face and seemingly ignorant to what he'd just started to eat – and then it hit him, hoo-boy did it hit him! He opened his mouth a couple of times, before lifting his hand to his mouth, waving it as if to encourage cold air to enter and aid his pain – his eyes were watering (I made sure to focus on his mouth, as this would indeed count as a woman crying) and he was shaking his head back and forth whilst Dan looked incredibly concerned, reaching out and patting him on the back, saying something like, "Little brother, you're dying, but you're ready, God is ready to take you in his arms -"

I however, was laughing like a crazy person by this point, on a high from that spicy pizza and the fifteen or so beers that I'd so far tipped down my throat. I leaned over and whacked him on the back, despite knowing he wasn't choking, and said loudly over Dan's continued ramblings, "Bit hot for you there, Newbie?" and grinned at him as he turned his eyes on me.

"Oh my god, I think Hell has just taken refuge on my tongue," he sputtered, dropping the pizza slice on the floor (Dan threw himself to the ground and caught it, shovelling it in straight away) and standing up, swaying slightly on the spot. It was at that point that I remembered he had drunk eight beers so far, and for Newbie, that was a hell of a lot. I stood up and put my hand on his shoulder, to steady him, and he threw my hand off with a lot more violence than I'm used to with him, and shouted, "UNHAND ME, SATANS BIATCH!"

There was silence for a few seconds before he shook his head, eyes watering like a little girls still, and ran to the bathroom (sliding on what I can only assume was another slice of pizza), slamming the door shut behind him. Dan and I stared at each other for what seemed like hours, both of us swimming in our own drunken state, before we heard the shower start. Dan started to laugh, and stumbled his own way to the bathroom, throwing open the door and saying, "Hey Johnny, you gotta take your clothes off first!"

At this, I jumped up off of the sofa and strode into the bathroom, recoiling in disgust at the sight of my jersey being soaked onto this now pathetic looking creature standing underneath the shower, hair plastered to his head, water dripping from his noise – it has to be said, Newbie looked like a complete wreck. He looked up as a I walked in, and grinned a huge smile at me, saying, "Heeey, it's Perry!" before turning to Dan and murmuring (very loudly) "Hey Dan, can you ask him if now is the right time to ask for that hug he tried to give me earlier today?"

Dan turned to me, pointing his finger, his own blue eyes (paler than Newbie's) glittering with amusement. It was at this point that I knew if the conversation went any further, I would be in a very awkward place which could only lead to me knocking both of them unconscious. Instead, I walked further into the room and grabbed the younger brother around the waist.

"What say you give me a hand there, Dan?" I asked, pulling Lauren from the shower and grimacing as the water squelched against me, trying not to imagine how much the jersey would suffer for this as his feet fell over the side of the bath, laughter bubbling out of his throat. Dan nodded and half-heartedly grabbed Newbie's head as I dragged him through the living room and to his bedroom, muttering under my breath about dumb-assed siblings (not that Dan noticed of course). I set Newbie on the floor, and then looked to Dan for help. "You going to get him undressed for me?"

With a grin, Dan nodded and knelt down beside me, reaching for JD's socks – and collapsed on top of his legs.

_Hell no._

Undress Newbie? Are you kidding me? I looked down at his face, which was tilted to the side as he mumbled god knows what to himself, arms splayed out above his head. I stood up, looking at him before deciding.

"Newbie. Get up, get undressed and get in bed."

His head slowly turned towards me, a grin unfolding on his face.

"I bet you say that to all the girls."

I blanched; I had thought he would be in no state to be making jokes right now, but apparently I was very wrong. I stared at him for a moment, before shaking my head and crossing my arms across my chest. "Come on Annie, I don't want to have to do it myself. Just… get your clothes off and I'll do the rest."

"Is that the best you can do?" His blue eyes found mine for a second, and as they met mine, I felt that feeling start to rise again, that want for power, for domination even over Newbie. His eyes were so innocent, yet the words coming out of his mouth were complete flirtation – obviously not the serious kind, he was out of his head – and I wanted to reply in kind, I kind of wanted to keep this game going. I wanted to show him that no, I could do a hell of a lot better and that though it involved my tongue, it didn't necessarily involve words…

But I didn't. I simply sighed and tried one last time. "Come on Newbie. You need to go to sleep."

"Okay," he whispered, closing his eyes and letting his head fall to the right side, obviously intend on sleeping where he lay. I knew what I had to do, but hell, I didn't want to do it. Not after this afternoon, and especially not after the thoughts that had spread through my mind at his innocent teasing.

So, I knelt beside him and wrapped my arm around his shoulders, bringing him up to my chest. Carefully, I held him with my right arm and let my left hand find the bottom of the jersey, grasping it tightly and pulling it up his body. It didn't help that it was soaking wet, but I didn't have a choice. If he stayed in these clothes, god knows what he'd feel like in the morning.

I ignored closely the fact that I cared.

I managed to get it over his face, and then eventually it was only on his arms; leaning over him, I pulled it free from him, throwing it in the corner of the room and sighing as Newbie opened his eyes slightly and mumbled something. I leaned down and put my ear to his lips, but he didn't repeat it, so I simply set back to work. The t-shirt was relatively easy to pull off, but it revealed that his chest was damp – goddamn it, Newbie, why did you have to go and give yourself a damned shower with your clothes on? I reached over for a towel that was discarded next to a chest of drawers and sniffed it slightly to make sure it was somewhat clean. I couldn't detect anything other than a faint whiff of lavender (dear god, Lucy) so I roughly started drying his chest, trying to ignore that I was turning it the faintest pink. There was no point being gentle, god knows what he'd start imagining this time.

"Not so hard," he moaned slightly in his half-asleep state. I growled slightly under my breath ("sissy"), and lifted him back up again so I could dry his back. I rubbed it slightly less harshly, trying to keep my face above his hair, as it was annoyingly soft and seemed to insist on touching me.

"Goddamn Newbie, why's your hair so bloody fluffy?" I muttered, imagining him to be asleep, until I heard a faint reply from around my neck area.

"You ought to see the rest of me."

I forced myself to look at him, the shock of this answer coursing through me; what the hell was wrong with him? Eight beers and a nympho?

He opened his eyes slowly and looked back at me, their light blue gaze roving to glance at me holding him close, his bare chest, my eyes fixed on him. He looked at me for moments on end, looking slightly confused and slightly amused. He started to smile, but stopped halfway, stuck. I didn't smile back – I couldn't. He was confusing the hell out of me, and what was worse was that I was letting him.

"Get a hold of yourself Newbie, this isn't Queer Eye fucks the Straight Guy," I said gruffly, lowering him to the ground and standing up. I looked down on him like earlier and shook my head slightly. _He'd better get a grip on himself for work tomorrow._ "You gonna do the rest yourself? I've had quite enough of your so called 'manliness' for one day."

"Yeah sure. Sure, whatever," he mumbled, forcing himself to sit up, his fingers fumbling at the button on his jeans.

"Whoa, wait 'til I've left the premises Hermione," I reprimanded, turning around and heading for the bedroom door. I made my way out, grabbing my car keys from the table and looking around at the mess. Ah hell, they could clean it up tomorrow. I didn't need to help out, I was the one making the effort in the first place.

Just as I was pulling open the front door, I hear a noise from behind me; I turned around, and standing there, wearing a pair of old jogging bottoms and clutching a pillow, was Newbie, eyes sleepily finding me amidst the rubbish.

We stood there in silence for a few seconds, staring at each other.

And then he spoke.

"Please stay."

His voice was so quiet I had to strain to understand, but after a few more seconds of staring at each other, I got the point and stared a little more. His eyes were tired, but completely and utterly sincere. Drunk, but sincere.

_Don't stay. It'll just stretch the boundaries you worked so hard to set._

"Please Dr. Cox. Just… stay."

For a few more seconds we just stared at each other.

_Don't you dare stay. He's messed up right now and doesn't really need you to stay._

"Dan's passed out, you can sleep on the couch."

_Don't. You. Dare._

"You can have -"

"Just get me a pillow, Newbie, and that'll be… fine."

_Asshole._


	3. Ever Hopeful

_**SO much love to you all for so many reviews. Honestly. At the bottom, I've replied to all you wonderful, inspiration-inspiring comments. So! On with the fun!**_

**My New Bad Habit**

**Chapter Three – Kibble and Crumbs**

_**JD POV**_

The first thing I noticed when I woke up the next morning was the taste in my mouth.

"Did Satan take a poop in my mouth whilst I was sleeping?" I mumbled, my fingers reaching up to rub the sleep from my eyes. For a second, all I could feel was, well, drunken-ness – but then it hit me. The agony of it. The absolutely agony.

_WHAT THE HELL WAS ON MY FINGERS!_

In an obscene flashback from the night before, my eyes started to water like I didn't know they could, and the word "sting" was the Understatement of the Year (cue my brain in favour of creating the image of the award ceremony, but in too much pain to allow it). I had _never_ felt anything like this before, and it was not an experience I wanted to repeat. I kicked the covers from my body (wondering hazily why my clothes were strewn around like they were, and why Dan was on my floor sucking his thumb) and ran towards my bathroom, slamming the door shut behind me. I ran the tap full blast, splashing water over me – it was supposed to go on my face alone, however it appeared that today would be one of those days where nothing went right. Water found itself not just on my hair, face and neck, but all over my chest (was that another hair?) and whatever too-big jammies I'd managed to pull onto my legs last night.

Groaning, I took them off, blinking the water out of my eyes and feeling the relief of it start to take hold. Of course, now that problem was out of the way, my head decided to try to punish me for whatever I had tipped down my throat last night. Fuzzy, tired and water-soaked, I decided it would be a _great_ idea to have a shower.

I opened the door a tad, peeking out cautiously to see if Dan was still passed out (and still sucking his thumb). Confirmation! I opened the door fully, allowing Mr Peeps to breathe the fresh air of morning-after-bedroom-smell, and strode over to my bedroom door. Just the thought of a clean shower was clearing my head a little, and knowing that it was just a few strides on the other side of this door was – 

"Dear God Newbie, would ya mind putting the mouse back in the house there?"

There was no time to lose; for whatever reason, Dr. Cox was sitting in the apartment (oddly clean; weren't there pizzas last night?), drinking what I could only imagine was coffee out of my "Hug Me" mug (came free with my favourite t-shirt), and that could only mean one thing: I had to get to the bathroom. Stat.

"Don't mind me and Mr Peeps!" I cried, dashing (more pelting, but the word "dash" is so underused) to the bathroom and practically falling into it, slamming the bathroom door shut behind me. I didn't leave myself time to think – I turned on the shower and jumped in, soaping myself up into a lathery mass, squeezing that wonderful lavender –scented shampoo/conditioner I stole from Elliot into my hair. What the hell was Dr. Cox doing in my apartment? Yes, I remembered him coming over last night, but anything past my fifth beer I had forgotten…

Oh god! Work! Was he here to drag me in by my earlobe? I certainly deserved it, I'd been a complete idiot to everyone that cared about me recently, and none of them deserved it - even him. I soaped even harder, not caring that my nipples were on fire from the craziness of my hands, not caring that for some reason, there were extremely damp patches all over the floor, not caring that OH MY GOD DR. COX IS OUT IN MY APARTMENT!

Feeling refreshed, renewed and ready to run, I pulled a towel around my waist and positively _pelted_ (there we go, I've used it now) from the bathroom and to my bedroom, ignoring whatever Dr. Cox shouted to me on my way through. All I could tell, was that he was _not_ amused.

Glancing at my digital clock on the way in, I felt my stomach turn over; 8:35 already! I'd been due at the hospital at seven, and no _wonder_ Dr. Cox was so pissed at me. 

_Still wondering why he's here, though…_

No time to wonder! I threw open my chest of drawers, throwing on the first t-shirt I could find, and some jeans – _underpants first, dear GOD the chafing _– hastily pulled on some socks that were nice and toasty warm from the radiator, and shoved some dirty scrubs in my bag. I'd have to get some new ones at work.

Knowing he was out there, waiting for me, made me prepare faster than I'd ever done before. I threw myself out of my bedroom, patted Rowdy on the head (noting that he needed a bath, phew), slide over the worktop into the kitchen (smoooooooth), grabbed a packet of pop-tarts (strawberry), gulped down a pint of water, ran to the door and shoved my feet into my sneakers and _then_, only then, turned around and flashed Dr. Cox with those pearly whites that I hoped would convince him to forgive me for being late.

He growled (predictably) and stood up, already immaculately dressed, shaved and wearing clothes that looked wonderfully clean (everything looked wonderfully fresh and bright now that I had downed some water) yet looking a lot more tired than I was. My smile faltered as he strode towards the door, yanking it open and barking, "Make it snappy, Newbie," and for one absolutely wonderful moment, I let myself believe that I was getting to ride in the Porsche.

Sadly, I was mistaken. He made _that_ perfectly clear as he revved the engine and sped away from me as my hand reached out for the door – NOT friendly, and _certainly_ not safe – so I made my way to Sasha (glittering in the sunlight – goodness she was a stunner) and sat astride her, hoping against everything I could think of (even Rowdy) that today would be a good day.

_Please_.

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

It was damned obvious that Newbie had no idea I had stayed last night, and I sure as hell wasn't going to remind him. If we could forget the part where I undressed him and then allowed myself to feel some sort of emotion that coerced me into sleeping on the couch, I would be extremely grateful.

Unfortunately, it didn't look like that was going to happen.

"PERRY! Where in gods name were you last night? I don't know if you remember, but we were supposed to be picking out Jack's new drapes -"

Ah yes, the rotting apple of my eye, the only woman on earth that could make my very capable penis _shrink_ at the very timbre of her voice – my wonderful wife-again-since-about-a-month-ago Jordan walked down the slope leading up to the main doors as I got out of the car. She was striding towards me with that look on her face, the one that said "I've just had botox but don't mistake me, I'm pissed", the one that told me that it was in my best interests to run, run as fast I could.

I, however, stood my ground. I was tired, cranky and ready to snap – at least I could now do it at someone who wouldn't look at me with huge, vulnerable eyes.

"Jordan! Don't tell me – you've had more botox? Only, I could tell by the way that if you smiled, your face'd probably break into a thousand little pieces and bats would come flying out of the colossal space left -" I grinned at her, that smile that alerts everyone to the fact that I am in fact, in a shitty mood – "but wait. Of course. That's what happens everyeveryeveryeveryeveryeveryeveryevery -" 

"Shut your cakehole, Perry," she cut in, folding her arms and jerking her perfectly-highlighted head in the direction of the hospital, "and get your ass in there. You can't expect me to cover for you every time Kelso gets pissy."

"You… covered for me?" I questioned, taken aback and slightly alarmed. "Jordan, why in gods name would you do that?"

She shrugged, blatantly itching to get away and get god knows what other surgeries on her body. "How am I supposed to know? Point is, I did and you now owe me. A lot. I was thinking maybe a threesome, with that gorgeous hunk of -"

"Whatever, Jorderoo," I interrupted, raising my hands to block out whatever she was going to say. "As you so rightly pointed out, I've got work to do, and I sure as hell am _not_ getting any closer to it whilst you stand here talking. As much as I love these hasty morning talks – I really do."

I knew my voice was sarcastic, but in reality I actually…

Meant it?

Hell, I knew that Jordan and I fought all the time, that everyone at the hospital saw us as the "what not to be in 20 years" flyers, but sometimes… we were pretty good together. I'm not just talking puppy-dog eyes and kisses sweet as candy, but real moments, like when you look in their eyes after amazing, angry sex and realise that they're just as content as you are. That, despite the insults we give each other day after day, we got through it another day, week, month, year. And that we're happy to be there.

Like I said. Sometimes.

"Whatever Perry. See you whenever I get home tonight."

And damn her, she walked straight up to the Porsche and got in, turned the key I didn't know she had and drove away. Great.

So, now in a refreshingly god-awful mood, I stormed into the place I may as well call home, I'm there most of the live long day-night-forever, and instantly found an angry looking Latina woman standing in front of me. What fun.

"Whaaat is it?"

"Why does Bambi look like death warmed up today? I know you have something to do with it." Her eyes were flashing, but I couldn't help but drag it out a little longer.

"Why me? Why always blame me?"

"Because _you_ were there last night, and _you_ quite obviously had issues with him yesterday."

Aw hell. Did Newbie tell the entire hospital? Chances are, if he didn't, she did anyway.

"All righty then, Nurse Espinosa, Turk, or whatever you call yourself these days. The only way I can answer this is if I do it silently, _sooo -_"

"I'm not in the mood, okay?" she cut in abruptly, sticking a hand on her hip and shaking her finger at me in that annoying way that no one ever, EVER called her on. "Chances are, whatever happened last night will all come flying out over dinner tonight anyway, and _I'll_ have to deal with the sulks that come with it. So you can either tell me now, or deal with my anger and hatred for the next few days."

Damn. She got me.

"Fine. I went over. We had drinks. We had pizza. We watched TV, we talked, we laughed, we had a relatively all right time."

"…and?" I looked at her innocently, as if there was nothing else it could possibly be. "Don't give me that look, Turk tries it all the time." Damn. "What happened?"

I sighed, joining my two hands via fingers and placing them on my head, elbows outwards. My power stance. "What usually happens when someone's dad dies? He got stupidly drunk, ate pizza that almost killed him and gave himself a cold shower – with his clothes on of course. I, of course, had to save the day as his brother passed out completely, and ended up sorting him out and _then_ of course, little Princess Barbara decides she can't sleep without a Daddy figure around, so I was practically forced into sleeping on the sofa until the morning, at which time I snuck out, had a long, cold shower and then went BACK to his just in time to see him in all his glory, practically still drunk -"

"All right, I get it," she said irritably, taking her hand from her hip and crossing her arms. "But you looked after him, right?"

I sighed.

"Let him stand up on his own two feet for once, he's a big girl now."

I went to move towards my charts, but she stepped in front of me, eyes blazing.

"I'm going to bypass that, seeing as you didn't answer my question."

"And _I'm_ going to bypass that becauuuuse I don't have time for this."

I side-stepped her, and strode off before she could stop me. Usually I'd let her rant a little; she was the only one that I'd let do that, but today – today, I wasn't looking for a fight. Today, I felt tired. I could deal with her aggravation tomorrow, when I was refreshed and ready for action – but now, right now, I just wanted this day over with ASAP.

Preferably without having to deal with Newbie.

_**JD POV**_

"Hey, Dr. Cox? Do you have a second?"

I could practically hear the frustration emanating off of him, but I knew I had to at least thank him for cleaning up the apartment. I figured it hadn't been either me or Dan, so it could have only been him once he'd (uninvitedly) broken into our apartment earlier this morning. I knew he'd appreciate the sentiment of a thank you, even if he acted otherwise.

"Not for you, Lois, so I suggest you go ahead and say whatever it is you have to say."

No joke? No comment about how ridiculous my hair looked when it wasn't moussed?

_**Dr Cox POV**_

Someone should tell him how much better his hair looks when it's not smothered in mousse. Still ridiculously _stupid_, but better.

_**JD POV**_

Either way, I knew it would be better for all of us if I just got on with it.

"I just wanted to thank you for tidying the apartment this morning."

He glanced up from the chart he was glaring at, and nodded sharply.

"S'fine," he replied almost tonelessly, glancing again at the chart in front of him. "Would you do me a favour and check on Mrs. Berry over there? Haven't had a chance."

I took a second to look at him properly; he looked fine – fresh as fresh is – and as far as his manner towards me was, well, it was far better than I was used to. Maybe we'd finally turned a corner on the JD/Cox Steamboat – 

"Say Nancy, I did mean today."

"Right away, Perry!"

"Dr. Cox."

"Dr. Cox," I obediently repeated, twinkling over to Mrs. Berry's bedside and offering her my most hearty of winks. "Good morning, Mrs. B, I'm Doctor Dorian – not to worry, we'll get you sorted and out of here in no time."

Mrs. Berry was a new elderly face to the ward, something refreshing after years of the same old (literally) faces coming in over and over. She reminded me of my gram-gram, and that alone made me intent on looking after her. She smiled at me, green eyes sparkling, and gestured her hand to Dr. Cox, who was still pouring over that chart.

"And here I was hoping I'd get that gorgeous creature as my doctor!" she joked, eyes crinkling at the sides as she smiled even more. "Not that I mind you, dear – you'll do just fine."

"I promise, you're in safe hands," I replied with another winning smile, silently cursing Dr. Cox for all that manly charm he seemed to radiate around women. "Now, let's see… you've had a severe weight loss in the last month, is that right?"

"You got it," she replied, smiling again. "Not to mention I'm never hungry."

"Says right here that you've also had some pain in the lower stomach?"

"That's right."

I nodded; already I had some idea of what was wrong with her. "Well, what I'm going to do is get the lovely Nurse Roberts here -" I pointed to Laverne, who was hovering outside of the doorway, waiting for orders, "– to take some blood cultures, nothing major, and maybe if we leave this gorgeously made plastic tub in here, you could maybe gift us with some of your number twosies as soon as possible?"

She let out a loud laugh and placed her hand over mine. "Ah Dr. Dorian," she said, squeezing it gently. "I know I'm in good hands when they say "twosies" instead of "stool".

I grinned at her and patted her hand. "Just doing my job," I call as I turn and retreat, feeling my mood lower as I collect another chart from the Nurses station – and hoped with all my heart that I was diagnosing her wrong in my head, and that she was as fine as I'd promised her at the beginning.

And wondering if Dr. Cox would like to have lunch together.

_**Okay folks; not a **__**very slashy chapter, and I do apologise – but you know how it has to be, there has to be **_**some**_** character development! And so, to the comments!**_

**lilbishihunter:**I'm glad it made your heart flutter. Lots of love to you; I hope this chapter didn't bore you too much from limited slashiness, but I hope you understand. 

**Kurokawa-miharu:**Thank you so much for saying it's in character; it means a hell of a lot to hear it! Yes, I did love JD quite a lot at the end of Spicy, and I'll love him even more as the story progresses. Let's hope you do too!

**daflippnay:**I'm glad he comes to life for you in the story! I'm so glad you think it's awesome, please keep reading; it makes all the difference to me. Thanks so much for the review.

**EvilAnimeGoodness:**Glad you think so. It's always nice to receive a technical review, so thanks always. I hope you continue to enjoy the story!

**CountToEight:**Love to you too, ma cherie!

**BonzoDog:**My own personal Jordan threatening to eat me - well, lucky me! Keep reading, my lovely, it will get better! Cuddles and love for la review.

**ShrinkToBe:**I shall do, if you keep reading! -big smiles- thanks so much for reviewing. And, of course, love to you.

**Witty-Kate: **I'm so glad you're enjoying it; and also pleased that you found it a laugh to read! I hope to keep updating regularly, so hopefully that will continue for the next few chapters! Thanks v. much for reviewing again, keep reading!

**.Blood.Drop.Lolita.: **Again, thanks so much for saying you think they're in character, it means the world to me when someone says that! Here's your update, a few days later, and no doubt there'll be another one tomorrow, this time with a little bit more of what everyone's actually here for :P love and hugs, keeping reading and reviewing!

**jka1:**You don't have to wait long! I promise the next chapter'll be along really soon. Thank you for reviewing, please keep coming back; it'll be totally worth it if I get my way! Love. 

**Divyani:**Love is brilliant, so thank you for feeling that way! Hehehe. Here's your update, and expect another one very soon! 

**Shadydrmr:**I'm thrilled that you find it funny; humour can be so difficult to put in, but I can't take the credit; you know what JD's like, it pretty much feels like him telling me what to write :P thanks so much for the positive review, and thank you for loving the Cox… hopefully you'll love him even more as the story goes on. Keep reading!

**EMIS3400:**An update, as you asked so politely! I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint, and you can look forward to another one very soon. Thank you very much for reviewing, and I really hope you enjoy the rest of the story. Keep R&Ring, it makes such a difference!

_**You're all total stars; if you have anything you would really love to see at some point, names you'd love to see, words, if you want a cameo OC named after you**__** LOL, want to see JD wear eyeliner, want Turk to walk in on something dirrrty, anything anything anything – just message me. If anyone wants my e-mail so you can demand things in person, just message me on here!**_

_**Love to all.**_

_**- Kat. **_


	4. Losing Ground

_**I AM SO SORRY**__**…**_

_**It**__**'**__**s been forever since I**__**'**__**ve updated, but I just got my new laptop through and am now powering on! So here**__**'**__**s the long-awaited Chapter 4... Review, people, review! After all, it**__**'**__**s you that I**__**'**__**m dedicating this story to!**_

_**I'm writing a new chapter as I post this one, so replies to reviews will be on that chapter!**_

_**- Kitty.**_

**Chapter Four - False Ground**

_**JD POV**_

Turns out I was right after all. Mrs. Berry had stomach cancer.

It was way past my shift, just slipping from 11:59 to midnight, but all I could do was sit in the dark staffroom and wonder what gave the world the right to give such a lovely old lady such an aggressive, almost definitely fatal disease. The chart was there, in my hands, and I kept glancing at it as if it'd make a difference – but it still said the same thing.

I sighed and glanced at my watch; my shift had ended three hours ago. No doubt if I checked my cell, I'd have frantic messages from both Turk and Carla, demanding to know where the hell I was. No doubt if I hadn't thrown my pager into the car park, I'd find I had millions of pages from Dr. Cox and whoever else may have been trying to track me down for the last hour of my shift. I just couldn't face anyone. I think it was something to do with Dad, just adding to the reality of death – but whatever it was made it hard to accept that I had to deliver the worst news of Mrs. Berry's life. And soon.

As I sat, involved in my thoughts, the door creaked open a little, light spilling into the darkened room.

"JD?"

I didn't bother looking up. I knew Elliot's voice, and I knew she was genuinely worried – but at that moment in time, I couldn't handle anyone trying to be nice to me. It seemed like everything was hitting me at once, and it was hurting. So much I knew that I'd either end up hurting her or whoever else came in, or hurting myself.

"Are you… okay?" She came over and sat down gingerly next to me, tucking her hands underneath her legs and keeping her distance - smart move. If I were her, I probably would've bestowed hugs already. "I heard about Mrs. Berry from Carla… do you wanna talk about it? I've got half an hour or so -"

"It's okay Elliot. I don't really feel up to talking."

She nodded, but I knew she didn't really get it. She couldn't. No one could. I couldn't help but wallow in my self-pity, it was just so easy to do. First Dad and now this – I could tell that the next few weeks were going to drag, and that no matter what I did, I couldn't stop it. Elliot, obviously sensing me retreating back into my shell, patted me awkwardly on the shoulder and stood up, walking to the door and then pausing for a second.

"If you need anything -"

"I know."

The door closed quietly. Part of my brain told me that I should leave too, go home and have a hot shower and go to bed – but hell, it was only 7 hours until my next shift. I could just stay here for the evening and wallow, wallow, wallow until there was nothing else left to think about but what a pathetic figure I must cut right now.

I sighed. My mind ran back over the day, trying to see when I'd hit a new wall of hopelessness. I realised with a minimal moment of surprise that it hadn't, in fact, started when I'd been handed Mrs. Berry's results just hours, but instead when I had asked Dr. Cox if he had wanted to go out for lunch for half an hour, wherever he wanted. The look that he had given me was so…

…cold? No, that was the wrong word. It'd been one of complete indifference, the casual shrug of the shoulders seeming sharper, more abrupt than usual. His eyes had been blank as he replied with a short "no thanks" – no Newbie, Carol, Angela – and at that moment, it felt like my stomach was curling in on itself, an ache starting that I couldn't just get rid of with painkillers.

He'd been more than my mentor yesterday.

Now he was less.

Was I going to keep losing the people that were important to me? Granted, I still had Turk, Elliot, Carla – even Dan when he could get himself together – but it felt like everything was slowly disintegrating around me, with nothing to hold onto but –

"Go home, JD."

My head whipped round to face the door, Dr. Cox's body silhouetted in the doorway. My stomach dived and my head became light – for more than one reason. Firstly, of course, I hadn't answered any of my pages during my shift, and had thrown it into the parking lot an hour before it ended. Secondly, there was not a line of anger on his face; only that indifference again, arms folded, clearly not here to play Saviour. Thirdly – well, how could I not notice? He called me JD. Not Newbie, Pamela, Glenda, Rachel, Abby – but JD. Even in my numbed stupor, it was something big.

I must've been staring as these thoughts paraded around in my brain, because he sighed and walked further into the room, letting the door shut behind him. The room was dark again, the only light seeping in from the window in the door. "I said go home, Newbie – you've had a tough day."

What did he know? He hadn't been around. As I recall, he'd pretty much left me on my own the entire day, other than to ask me to chase up those results for Mrs Berry.

"M'fine," I mumbled, turning away from him and resting my head on my hands. The room was suddenly crowded – I wanted to be on my own, _really_ wanted to be alone.

"No you're not," he replied tonelessly. "You're over-tired, hungover and grieving over two people, one of which isn't even dead yet. I'd say that's a pretty good reason against you being fine. So do us all a favour and go home."

I looked up, not caring that my hair was now looking suitably ruffled from my pawing. "I don't need to go home. I don't need anyone telling me it, either. I just need to be on my own."

"You think that's going to solve it all?" he laughed quietly, shaking his head as he looked over my head at the clock. "Let your mind run over and over the things that could drag you into that nice, dark hole you've been digging and maybe, just maybe you can stay there 'til all of this goes away? No, Newbie, that's not the way it works. You need to pull yourself out of it and move on. Otherwise -"

"Otherwise what?" I interrupted, my voice slightly louder than before. "Otherwise I'll end up like everyone else in this place? Turned off from their feelings so that for every patient they face, all they're seeing is an extra job to do, an extra test to take?"

"Newbie," Dr. Cox said, a warning tone in his voice. I chose to ignore him.

"No, but seriously - wouldn't that make your life so much easier? No more 'Newbie' to worry about, no more chasing after me every time one little thing goes wrong 'cos you're worried I'll go off in the deep end. No more…" I waved my hands around, losing my grasp on what I was talking about. Frustrated, I pressed my palm heavily against my forehead. "Just no more 'anythings' to do with me."

It was quiet for a while, and for a moment I thought that maybe he'd gone, maybe he'd just walked out whilst I had my moment and left me as I'd asked. When I glanced through the web of my fingers however, he was still there, still looking at the clock.

Dr. Cox let his eyes move back down to look at me for a moment. "First of all, Gloria, you seem to forget that you are _not_ a part of my life. Yes, you make a guest appearance every day, follow me when all I want to do is be alone, and disappear whenever I need a hand - that, however, is _not_ being part of my life, and I'll ask you never to refer to yourself as being a part of it ever again. Do you understand that, Nancy?"

I nodded, suddenly too overwhelmingly tired to care.

"Secondly, one of the only reasons, and I mean this sincerely, one of the only reasons that you pass as a relatively good doctor -" even at that comment, I felt nothing, not one spark of pride - "is your ability to feel. I'm not saying it's a good thing in general, nor am I saying I respect you for it - but if you did in fact become another doctor who turned themselves off from everything around them and merely did their job, well, I'm not sure that your skills as a doctor would be enough to get you through another year."

I stared at him, trying hard to focus on the words. Was he actually telling me now, at one of the lowest moments I could recall, that I was failing as a doctor?

"Now don't look at me like that," he chastened lightly, looking at me in a way that made me wish he would leave me alone. "I'm just telling you like it is."

"Well maybe I don't need that right now," I said sarcastically, flopping back onto the couch. "As I said. Maybe I just need to be alone."

The silence came round again. I hated it. I'd be fine if it were silent because I was on my own, but knowing that Dr. Cox was there, looking at me, analysing me, _judging _me even… well, it made me want to physically force him from the room. And I remembered how angry he got last time I was physical against him, and didn't want to do it again.

"As much as I'm going to regret this… I'm not leaving. Not until you agree to leave too."

I laughed, covering my eyes with my arms. "Do you really care that much?"

"No," he replied, sounding slightly irritated. "I need a ride home."

Behind my arms, I blinked. What did he just say? Did he actually just admit that the only reason he was here was… because he needed a ride home?!

I moved my arms and sat up, finding his eyes with my bleary ones. Nope, he was being totally serious - I could tell from the tightness of his jaw and the frustration in his eyes. He really did need a lift, and I could tell (gleefully) that it left a really sour taste in his mouth to have to ask me for a lift when he so rudely drove off without me this morning.

"Well, well, well," I said smugly, standing up and putting my hands on my hips. "Perry Cox, asking his lowly follower for a ride home?"

"Don't push it, Newbie," he said quietly, not blinking as I met his gaze. I simply grinned.

"What's the lift home worth, Perry? A week of rides in the Porsche?"

"Newbie," he warned again, his jaw tightening even more. Still, I didn't stop.

"Me calling you 'Perry' for a week without you punishing me?"

He brought his arms out of their folded position and instead clenched his fists as his side.

"You calling _me_ Dr. Dorian -"

"Too far, Newbie," he growled, reaching forward and pulling me forward. For one short, crazy second I thought he was about to hug me or (my mind went blank) even kiss me, but instead, the harsh grip on my arms shoved me towards the door, his other hand reaching out and flinging it open. I tried to glance over my shoulder at him, but he pushed me again. "Don't try and look at me, or I swear to God I will punish you."

I kept my eyes trained ahead of me as he guided me roughly to the elevator, and kept them fixed on the doors as he pushed the button for the ground floor.

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

Good. It had worked. The Newbie that I had come across on that couch was now almost back to his annoying, whiny self as the elevator made its way slowly to the ground floor. Not that I had done it all for him - I really did need a lift home, and although usually I'd rather walk mile after mile than get on the back of Newbie's scooter, I also had noticed by the lack of response to the 15 pages I had sent to him that he was in need of some kind of pick me up, and by the looks of things, I was the only one left in this hell-hole to give it to him.

"Hey Dr. Cox, I just want to thank you again for -"

"Cleaning up your apartment, yes Tiffany, I get the picture now. It _has_ been three times already, and I must tell you that should you try and tell me one more time, I will have to kill you."

He quickly skipped out of the elevator as the doors opened, and walked hastily to the double doors, checking behind him that I was still there.

"Would you stop that? Makes me feel like a stalker," I chastised him, striding over to where he was now swinging his leg over the scooter, strapping on his helmet.

"I uh, don't have another helmet," he apologised, tapping his own. "But you can have mine if you want -"

"I'm fine," I cut in, climbing on behind him and moving forward so that I sat comfortably. "Now, I'm going to put my arms around you, but please, don't let your little heart jump out of its chest with pleasure - I'm doing it for my own safety, not fulfilling whatever fantasies you have of me. Okay?"

Silence greeted my reply - instantly I knew that my teasing had brought on an attack of that stupid thought-bubble thing he had, which he had once explained to me (against my will). Letting out a small irritated growl, I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed too tightly, causing him to yelp and start his engine abruptly.

"There was no need for that," he called back to me, lifting his foot and letting the scooter jerk forward. I didn't bother replying. I had got what I wanted (a ride home) and had no further use for him.

We sped to my apartment in silence, with me feeling quite ridiculous - anyone who drove past would probably think we were lovers or something, and that alone made me edgy and irritable. He was singing along to the radio, which really didn't help, and every time he tried to hit a note that he couldn't, I tightened my arms just a little, trying to portray my annoyance at his ridiculous attempt at singing.

_**JD POV**_

I think Dr. Cox really appreciated me singing along. Whenever I managed to reach a high note (impressively, I might add), he gave me a little squeeze of approval. A special scooter-hug. I could tell he was impressed.

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

As we got nearer to my block, I couldn't help but think back to just a day before. This time last night, I was undressing the guy I was holding tightly around the waist - and hours before that, I was whispering into his ear, trying to make an awkward situation worse. I felt that sense of power, that want of it start to twinge in the bottom of my stomach again, simply from remembering.

What was it about him? What was it about the pathetic little girl that I spent most of my days harassing just to entertain himself, that made him so… pleasantly vulnerable? It was sick of me, and don't think I didn't get that. Hell, Jordan made a song and dance out of telling me how screwed up I was and there was no reason for me to disagree - but it was still something new. I had always been a fan of power and reached for it with everything I had, but this sort of power was something I hadn't experienced before. And, despite knowing that the more I played up to it the worse it would get, I still wanted to play.

But I wouldn't. I _couldn't_. It would go too far. Everything I had fun with went too far, and I couldn't risk that with Newbie. He was too vulnerable for my games, and try as I did to deny it, I didn't want to mess him up any more. He was already doing that himself.

He pulled up outside of my building, pulling off his helmet and steadying the scooter as I climbed off. He flashed me a smile (looking absolutely idiotic with his hair sticking up all over the place).

"My back's cold now," he joked, rubbing it with his palm and grinning up at me. My eyes met his, my initial reaction exasperated at such a stupid comment, but as I met his gaze, I felt something go through me. Though he was grinning, looking as chirpy as always, there was something in that gaze, something behind that tone that made me stop for a second and really look at him. That hidden tone allowed me for a moment to see that for all his desire to be alone, it had truly brightened up his night slightly by spending it with someone. With me. I felt a spark of betrayal as the ache from the want of power turned into a tiny, uncomfortable bruise. It reminded me of that feeling I got before I had agreed to sleep on his sofa. And that bruise, surprisingly, was worse than the ache.

"Well don't expect me to warm it up for you, Newbie," I replied sharply, turning away from him and that uncomfortable feeling. "I'm sure Ghandi will do the honours once you get home."

"Nah, Turk's too busy doing the dirty with Carla," he half-joked, but again, I heard that tone. _Loneliness_. "But it's cool. I need sleep anyway. Only a few hours 'til I have to get up."

"Whatever," I muttered carelessly, pushing open the door. "I'll see you tomorrow."

The door started to close behind me, but as I started to make my way to the stairs there was a slight scuffling and the noise of something being jammed into the door. I turned slowly, seeing Newbie halfway into the door, looking sheepish.

"There are _no_ goodnight kisses, Ashley," I said incredulously, folding my arms and raising an eyebrow. He forced a laugh, and then forced himself in through the door. He was jittery, jigging from one leg to the other. "Spit it out, Princess, there's a bottle of scotch calling my name and so help me if you-"

"I need a pee!" he cut in, bending his knees slightly and looking up at me with embarrassed blue eyes. "I need a pee and… I need your toilet!"

I blinked.

"You expect me to let _you_ use my toilet? Newbie, I don't even let my relatives use my toilet."

"Holy mother of Jesus, please! I gave you a lift, so… let me relieve myself!"

"Dear God, Lily, don't call it that or I swear on the grave of my grandma's chinchilla that I'll let you stand there and pee all down your scrubs. And believe me, I'll do it."

"Mmmmph!!"

"Good," I replied, satisfied that he had suffered long enough. "Toilet's on the right as you walk in. Do _not_ touch anything." I handed him the key (he knew where my apartment was, and I knew it) and watched him practically fly up the stairs to get to the toilet. I followed, three steps at a time, and walked in through the door which he had left wide open, slamming it shut behind me and casting a look around the place.

Tidy. Jordan must've just taken some clothes and left.

I wandered over to the counter where a bottle of scotch, sealed and shining was waiting for me, delicious to gaze at and even better to taste. I cracked it open, taking the shot glass I hadn't put beside it (Jordan was surprisingly thoughtful sometimes) and helping myself to a generous drink.

"Here's to another shitty day," I toasted, raising it to nobody and then downing it in one. I quickly poured another one and threw it down my throat, glorifying in the burn that settled in my stomach. I was pouring my third when Newbie emerged from the bathroom, still looking foolish. I met his awkward gaze for a second before looking away and drinking the scotch. I heard his mumble something and his rubber-soled walk to the door. As his fingers rested on the latch, I called,

"You going somewhere?"

He turned to me, blue eyes alighting first on the fourth scotch I was pouring and then to my own eyes that slid to his for a second.

"Um… what?"


	5. Flashbacks

_**As I said, here**__**'s the next chapter almost straight after the last! Hope you all enjoy it. Love you all so much for reading, and even more if you read AND review.**_

_**- Kitty.**_

**Chapter Five - Something Else**

_**JD Pov**_

"Um… what?" I stammered hesitantly, not taking my fingers away. Surely I'd misheard him?

"I said are you going somewhere?"

I smiled nervously.

"Home."

Dr. Cox shrugged, and turned back to the bottle of scotch. "Suit yourself."

I started to pull the door open, confused, but then stopped and turned fully back to him.

"Do you… want me to stay?"

He bent down and opened a cabinet, taking out a smaller shot glass and walked over to the big, impersonal sofa he had. Heavily placing the scotch, his shot glass and the extra one on the big, glass coffee table, he shrugged.

"There's enough room on this couch for about five people. So knock yourself out."

This was it! This was the invitation I had been waiting for - Dr. Cox was asking me to sit down, to relax, to party in his apartment! Hell, he had even prepared a shot glass for me! Not that I liked scotch… I pulled a face simply from thinking about it, and slowly, cautiously made my way over to the sofa, and sat myself carefully at the other end to him. He leaned over and picked up the scotch bottle by the neck, trickling some into the baby shot glass and slid the glass along to me, pouring another for himself as the same time.

"Cheers!" I said brightly, raising my glass to him and knocking it back. For a few seconds all I could feel was disgust, the taste assaulting my tongue and throat - but that wasn't the worst of it. It hit the pit of my stomach with a vengeance, burning like almost nothing I'd ever tasted before -

"_Oh my god, I think Hell has just taken refuge on my tongue," I gasped, flapping my hands desperately in front of my mouth, willing the gusts of cool air to give me some kind of relief. I stood up, the ground lurching beneath me as my mind started yelling at me to drink some cold, cold water - or better yet, bathe in it, because surely my entire body was on fire right now - and bristled as I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I turned my head slightly and met Dr. Cox's gaze._

_In that one second, I remembered how he had treated me this morning and felt drunken anger well up in my chest._

"_UNHAND ME, SATANS BIATCH!"_

"Satan's biatch," I managed to gasp now, my eyes watering. "How can you drink this stuff?"

Dr. Cox grinned and threw back another one, leaning back and resting his foot on the table. "It takes a real man to drink scotch, Newbie."

"I can drink it," I defensively responded, holding out my shot glass for another. "It just tastes like Satan's urine."

"Glad to know you've experienced that, Newbie," Dr Cox shook his head, looking at the scotch that was rapidly going down. "Are you sure you want another one? I'm not sure I want to give it to someone who won't appreciate it. Especially you, Newbie."

Without waiting for an answer, he poured me quite a large one (it went to the top of the glass anyway) and motioned for me to drink it back in one. He tipped himself a similarly full one and raised the glass again.

"Here's to you, Newbie," - and before I could ask what about me in particular he was dedicating it to, he had flung it back, amber liquid disappearing from the glass and down his throat.

"Just like that, huh?" I said faintly, not knowing how I would force down that much scotch at once. "Maybe I'll just sip it -"

"Goddamn, Newbie, just drink it!"

"No, I don't want -"

"Drink it before I force it down you!"

I decided quickly that I would rather force myself than have him force me - I moved the glass up against my lips and took a deep breath before opening wide and practically throwing the drink _and_ glass into my mouth. The burning liquid found its way down, and soon I was bent over, gasping again, shaking my head violently from side to side. Not only was the alcohol strong in taste, it was also quick in finding its way into my bloodstream - I had to stop drinking it, otherwise soon, I'd get handsy - and here, with Dr. Cox, and here, with _me_ was the last place I needed to get like that.

"Need some water, Gracie?"

I sat up, wishing seconds later that I hadn't; his crotch was directly in front of my face, and in my confused and tipsy (already?!) state I couldn't tear my eyes away. It was there - big, bold, and incredibly inappropriate for me at that moment in time.

"You want to take a photograph?"

My eyes flew up and met his, noting that in his hands was a glass of water - _thoughtful__­ -_ and that he was almost definitely kidding despite my impulse to say "why not, let's remember the moment!" - a comment that would most definitely lead to a big case of deadness.

"I'll just…" I mumbled, reaching up for the water. He passed it down to me - and oh _shit_…

It was a combination of the cold, icy glass pressed into my palm and the warm, dry fingers that brushed against mine as he passed it to me that led to the sharp intake of breath from my end; what with the alcohol, being in Dr. Cox's apartment and now his weird moment of thoughtfulness, my mind was all over the place, and suddenly with this mixture of cold, warm and emotion…

"_Newbie. Get up, get undressed and get into bed."_

"_I bet you say that to all the girls," I mumbled, the fuzziness in my head thumping, carelessly saying the first thing that came to mind. I vaguely acknowledged the surprise in his eyes, and saw his desire to laugh hidden behind them, but he covered it over as quickly as he could have done._

_He said something else, but I only caught onto the end of it - "Just… get your clothes off and I'll do the rest."_

_My mind was getting fuzzier, and I knew that if I wasn't careful, I'd pass out. I let my lips control me again._

"_Is that the best you can do?"_

_WHAT WAS I DOING?! Even in my drunken state, my mind was screaming at me to shut up, to notice that there was a strange glow in his eyes that was most probably warning me against saying anything further. I let myself smile and look at him dead on, knowing that I was playing with fire and most probably getting myself into a lot of trouble. _

_He told me I needed to go to sleep, so, delighted at such a clever suggestion, I let my head fall to the side, quite happy to fall asleep then and there. _

_The next few moments were a blur - I felt myself being moved about, heard him muttering to himself. I vaguely felt myself getting colder, until I felt my skin being rubbed with - what was it, sandpaper? - no, just a towel. He was drying me off really roughly, enough that I moaned at him to be gentler, which, after calling me a sissy, he did in fact do. I was starting to feel warm again. Relieved, I felt myself start to drift off again, even as I felt him pull me into a sitting position, until he cursed at me._

"_Goddamn Newbie, why is your hair so bloody fluffy?"_

_My lips separated before I could stop them. "You should see the rest of me."_

_He stopped drying me, and for a few moments was still. He moved back from me slightly, and at this moment, I chose to open my eyes. He was looking at me, bewildered, confused, all those words, his eyes directly focused on mine. It was then, with that intense gaze, that I started to acknowledge that was happening._

_I was half naked. Dr. Cox had his arm wrapped around me, holding me to him as he towel-dried my back. I was half naked and Dr. Cox had his arms around me._

"You…"

Dr. Cox, now sitting back down on the sofa, new bottle of scotch being opened and glass at the ready, didn't bother looking at me as he replied, "I what?"

"You… you didn't…"

He gestured to the beer he had placed in front of me (sweet relief) and leant back on the couch, focusing his attention somewhat on me. Somehow, the TV had been turned on and he was now watching some kind of sport - soon he would forget I was even there.

"I didn't what, Newbie? Get on with it."

I shook my head. Nope, too much to deal with right now. I stood up, swaying slightly (oh god, now the memories were oh-so-clear in my mind) and staggered towards the door. I shoved on my trainers (not noticing that they were on the wrong feet) and fumbled with the latch.

"Going again?" he said, taking a swig of the beer that I had left untouched. I looked at him for a second, confused and slightly dizzy,

"Yeah," I mumbled, pulling open the door. "Gotta get home."

Without looking back, I walked out of the door and shut it quietly behind me. I practically ran down the stairs, two at a time, before throwing myself out of the door. It was only as the cool air hit my skin that I could focus again.

_What ELSE am I going to remember?!_

_**Short and sweet**__**… I hope you enjoyed it guys. I love you all so much for reading, you're absolute stars. R & R for me so I know what you think!**_


	6. Cat and Mouse

_**As promised my darlings, here**__**'s the next chapter. Enjoy!**_

_**As you may have noticed, I'm sending personal replies to reviews now rather than posting them on here - I hope that's cool with everyone. Right! Onwards!**_

**Chapter Six - Everything****'s Changing**

_**JD POV**_

By the time I'd managed to fall into my door and collapse on the couch, my mind was racing a million miles per second. I could only remember up to the moment when Dr. Cox walked out of my bedroom door so that I could take off my trousers. Does that mean he came back in the morning just to get me for work?

HE UNDRESSED ME.

Yeah, I admit that I was having just a little trouble getting over that part. But it was just the way it all happened, the fact that he must've gave a damn to actually bother drying me off. He took _care_ of me! True, I was drunk and so was he, but still. Dr. Cox held me in his arms! Oh my GOD…

_Get a hold of yourself! It__'s not like he really cares…_

_YES HE DOES! He hugged me properly - not only that but - _

I shook my head firmly and ran my fingers through my hair. He was my mentor, not a demented father figure. I wasn't looking for a father figure despite what had happened to my Dad, and even if I was, Dr. Cox wasn't like that. I didn't look at him and think "father" - I didn't even think of him as a crazy Uncle. He was something totally separate to that, something more and something less; and despite the way he treated me, I was pretty sure I meant something to him too.

Okay, that was it - I had to go to sleep. These last few days had been a strain on me in a _lot_ of ways, and now I was starting to get delusional. Because the sad fact of the matter was that, no matter what he did for me or how he did it, Dr. Cox saw me as nothing but a cameo role - he had said so himself. He would never respect me in my own right as a doctor or a person, and let's face it, I knew that.

Sighing, I turned over on the couch and closed my eyes. Did Dr. Cox even remember undressing me? Did he remember me flirting drunkenly with him? (At least I didn't get handsy…) Did he secretly hate me for making him feel like he had to look after me?

I groaned into the cushion.

X X X X X

_**Elliot POV**_

Even though things weren't exactly great between me and JD, I still wanted to be there for him. It was the kind of thing I always ended up doing when someone broke my heart - first I would do the whole angry-glare thing, make them feel like crap for a while, and then, once the air had cooled, I'd try and do whatever I could to make them feel good about themselves. For JD, that came along much faster than usual - what with the whole Dad-death and all.

Of course, JD being JD, went off the deep end and turned into a social recluse. I tried to do what I could, like forcing Dr. Cox to hug him (which did _not_ go well) and trying to talk to him when one of his patients was diagnosed with stomach cancer, but it was hard. Really hard.

Aaaand then it happened. Throwing caution to the wind (and also my conscience) I got it on with Dan. As in, JD's brother. As in…

Total bitch.

I couldn't _help_ it. He was so different to JD - thoughtless, sexy in a weird, confident sort of way and generally the complete opposite to JD - which, at the time, was exactly what I was looking for.

When JD found out about us, he was obviously hurt. I felt awful; I didn't mean to upset him, especially not so soon after his Dad's death… and I'm really not a bitch. Thoughtless at times, it's true, I have to admit to my faults (or my therapist says so anyway) - but I'm not out to make him unhappy. Of course, then it turns out JD doesn't care at all and we have red hot sex five times (Dan and me, not JD and me - red hot doesn't exactly describe JD well).

To be honest… it was kind of stupid of me to think that maybe he really was hurt about me and Dan. And as much as he pretends, it's also obvious that Molly is just another distraction. They'll keep coming along until he really accepts how he feels, and until that day, I know I'll have to watch as he breaks the heart of girl after girl after girl… but no one can force the truth on him. He'll have to figure it out for himself. He's smart enough when he sets his mind to it, so hopefully soon he'll stop messing around and figure out who he really cares about.

Course, we all assume we know who it is - or at least, Carla and I do. If we _are_ right, and JD does have feelings for them (no matter how much he ignores those feelings) -well, we also accept that we'll have to be there when he _does_ acknowledge them and when he gets his heart broken. Because there's no way he won't. There's no chance in hell that they'll return his feelings.

So, on that note, part of me hopes he never figures it out.

But, as they say, the truth will out! We'll just have to see.

X X X X X

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

"For the fifth time, Laverne, would ya please put _down_ the phone and pass me that chart over there? I know, I know, I SO totally just said that, and I am SO totally giving you attitude - but come on, it's your job as a secretary - no, sorry, a nurse - to do as I ask. So go on. Do it. Earn those bucks."

Aw hell, I couldn't help it. I was in a great mood. Jordan didn't come home, I had downed a bottle and a half of scotch in one night and didn't have one inch of a hangover. I flashed my pearly whites to Nurse Roberts and grabbed the chart she practically threw at me, whirling around and heading straight into Mrs. Berry's room.

"Well there Mrs. B, how're you feeling today?" I asked, flipping her chart over and re-reading what we already knew was true. Well. Everyone but her. "Apart from shell-shocked by my appearance, which I _know_ is a surprise in itself - but I promise you, you deserve every single second of my time."

She smiled and winked at me. "I'm certain I must've done something brilliant in my lifetime to earn such a reward as you, Doctor…"

"Cox," I filled in, flashing her that special grin. "And you may be pleased to know that I am now officially your doctor. No more incompetent residents for you, Mrs. Berry."

"What a shame," she said, resting her head back on her pillow, suddenly looking quite tired. "I rather liked that Dr. Dorian. He was quite charming in a feminine sort of way."

I grimaced, knowing all too well what she was talking about. "Rest assured, you're in much safer hands now."

Her eyes rested on the chart in my hands. "Are you going to tell me what's on that thing, or am I going to have to arm-wrestle you for it?" She flexed her thin arm. "I warn you, I'm stronger than I look."

I laughed, but only for a second - I had to do this, had to get in there and tell her what was wrong with her before I got too attached. What _was_ it with spending time with Newbie? "It turns out that what we're looking at here is cancer."

I hated doing this. I always made it sound so damned impersonal, like it didn't matter. Just because I dealt with it every day didn't mean that they did. Mrs. Berry, far from looking horrified or bursting into justified tears, nodded. "Go on, Dr. Cox."

I nodded. "We're going to do an endoscopy and a CT scan to see how developed it is, and so we can define what course of treatment would be best for you. The endoscopy might feel a little uncomfortable, so we'll just give you a sedative so that you don't feel anything. With the CT scan, you won't feel a thing. You'll just have to lie still for about 20 minutes."

She just nodded again, staring at her hands. After a few moments of silence, she raised her head once again and looked me straight in the eye.

"How long do I have?"

I hated that question. I sat on the edge of her bed. "Until we've done the CT scan, we can't be sure."

"A guess?"

I looked down. Her age was against her, as were her symptoms. It had said on her history that she'd lost over two stone in that year alone - things weren't looking good, and I didn't want to tell her that.

"Dr. Cox, I'm a big girl. I can handle the truth."

I met her eyes again, and reached out, resting my hand on hers. "From the symptoms you're showing, your age and your initial examination, it looks, to me, like you're in the third stage of the cancer, maybe even the fourth… when you were first examined on arrival, a quick check over revealed tenderness in your stomach, pain to the touch. It's possible the cancer has spread past the wall of your stomach and into other places nearby, such as your liver, your kidneys. I'd say, if I'm right… maybe a year or two."

She took in a deep breath, closing her eyes and squeezing my hand. For a few moments I thought she had fallen asleep she was so still, but she opened her eyes once again, focusing on our hands in her lap.

"If that's how it is, then that's how it is. Maybe it hasn't spread too far. Maybe the endoscopy and the CT scan will show up different."

I looked at her, at her pale skin and tired blue eyes, and shook my head.

"Two years is a long time, Mrs. Berry. And people live beyond that. And as you say… maybe I'm wrong. But do me a favour, sweetheart," I squeezed her hand gently. "Don't hope too hard. Because as much as I hate to admit it right here, right now - I'm rarely wrong."

I stood up, taking the chart from my lap and walked to the door. Before I left, I turned to her, taking my time. "You know if you need anything, anyone… just ask."

She nodded again, smiling a little, before closing her eyes.

I didn't blame her. If I were her, I'd want to block out the reality and harshness of life too.

_**JD POV**_

_Oookay, just stay calm__… you might not see him. He might have taken today off with a massive hangover - you might get lucky._

"Bambi, Dr. Cox is looking for you," Carla's voice called from somewhere down the corridor - damn! That wily minx, he always seemed to know when I wanted to avoid him…

Suddenly there was a flash of brown and green, my two favourite colours in this hospital - I leapt over and threw my arms around him, Brown Bear, Chocolate Bear, SUPER Chocolate Bear… the one person who would protect me against the horror that was Percival Cox.

"Whoa dude, what the hell?!" Turk cried, alarmed, keeping his hands away from me in an attempt at masculinity. God, I loved him. He smelled like waffles on a fresh, sunny morning. "No hugs 'til after 12, you know that!"

I tore myself away from him and threw myself dramatically over the nurses station desk. He leaned his elbow next to me, his eyes gazing down on me sympathetically.

"Cox is after you, huh?"

"Totally," I mumbled, trying to ignore the way I yearned to hold him once more, to breathe in that delicious smell. "God knows how long he's been hunting for me, I threw my pager into the parking lot yesterday…"

"Yeah I know, Carla found it and gave it to him this morning," Turk admitted, looking abashed. I groaned.

"Damn, so that's why he wants me? He's going to rip me a new one."

"Yeah, he seems in pretty shitty mood actually," my best friend mused, shaking his head. "Banging around, throwing charts everywhere, yelling at Franklin about something or other… I'd steer clear of him if you can. Just deal with your patients and do NOT go in the doctor's lounge. I heard he's commandeered it for his own 'private use'…whatever that means."

_Oh god. It's his personal torture chamber…_

"Anyway, where were you last night buddy? Carla left you like, 8 messages."

_Only 8? No more waffles for her! Damn, what was my obsession with waffles this morning?_

"I dunno, I felt kind of bummed out after getting Mrs. Berry's results back, so I stayed here for a few hours after my shift."

"And?"

I glanced up at him; he was looking at me with sparkling eyes, as if I had some super-huge gossip to tell him. I blinked, confused.

"And _what_?"

Turk grinned, flinging his arm around my shoulders. "Laverne told me she saw you leave with Dr, Cox at half 12. Come on buddy, you weren't home 'til at least one thirty! What'd you do?!"

"Nothing, really," I replied honestly, wondering why he was making such a big deal out of an hour. "I gave him a lift home on Sasha -" Turk made a small noise and clapped me on the back, " - and then I had a couple of drinks with him. Nothing major."

He was still looking at me in that weird way, almost expectantly - what else was he looking for? I shrugged.

"What else were you expecting?"

He stared at me for a moment, as if to see if I was being serious, before he shrugged too, looking somewhat disappointed. "Ah, nothing. I knew they were just yanking my chain."

"About what?" I asked, suddenly feeling somewhat suspicious. Something wasn't right about the way Turk had approached my 'secret hour' - it seemed oddly _girly_… suddenly it clicked. "What have Carla and Elliot said to you?!"

Turk winked and was suddenly on the other side of the nurses station. Damn he was fast!

"Nothing important, Vanilla Bear. They're just being their usual, gossiping selves."

And then he was gone. What the hell?! What had they been saying?

I turned and slowly made my way towards Mrs. Berry's room, feeling a sense of dread erupt over me. As I pushed her door open, my heart leapt into my throat - her bed was empty. Perfectly made.

_Where the heck is she?_

Swiftly, my mind filled in the missing information. She was 66 years old with what looked like the advanced stages of stomach cancer. Chances are, it had caught up with her before I had a chance to.

I couldn't help it; tears filled my eyes overwhelmingly, so much that I had to shut the door. I didn't even get a chance to tell her what was wrong with her - how had she died so fast? Nope, there was no time to even think about it… the tears had spilled over and I was officially crying. I hadn't done it since Dad's death, and apparently I needed too. Soon I was in the full-blown sobbing stage and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I rarely cried, despite my sensitivity, so this was draining me quick and fast. I turned to rest my head on the window of the door, tears still streaming down my face, when I realised the blinds were still open; standing halfway down the corridor was Dr. Cox, looking murderous, eyes sweeping along the floor - no doubt to see if I was there.

His eyes stopped on Mrs. Berry's door, and just as they did, I drew the blinds, panicking - my heart was racing with a weird kind of fear, and I desperately sank to the ground, crawling into the corner in a fraught attempt of hiding.

_Not now, not now! I can stand his anger and disgust any other time but not now__… not when I've just let go of all my damned inhibitions and am standing here with streaky-cry-face…_

I brought my knees up to my chin and buried my head in my arms, hoping crazily that it would make me invisible, and that he wouldn't come in and see me like this -

"Newbie, where the hell -"

The door slammed open and I saw from the crack between my arms that he was standing there, just a few metres away from me, no doubt pissed off and ready to throw me against the wall again. I shut my eyes tight, hoping that he hadn't seen me (it's amazing what you can convince yourself when you're desperate) and waited for him either to leave, or to grab me by the shoulder and pull me up.

Neither happened.

The door closed, but I could see he was still standing there. Why wasn't he leaving? More importantly, why wasn't he yelling at me to stop acting like such a goddamn girl? I almost let out another sob, somehow managing to control the noise - but I knew my body shook, and I knew he would see.

_Please go, just for now, yell at me later__…_

His footsteps crossed the room to where I was sitting until he was standing right in front of me. Still he didn't touch me.

"It's not what you think, Newbie."

His voice was gruff and still sounded angry, but I could tell he was working hard to swallow it. That thoughtfulness alone made me breathe in sharply, my body shaking again.

"She's just having a CT scan."

So that was where she was. Did that mean he'd told her already? Why?

Frustratingly, that didn't seem to help. Instead, the tears started escaping my eyes again - why the hell was I crying now? Why couldn't I control my emotions like normal men?

I knew why, though; part of me was just pitying myself, allowing myself to feel as pathetic as I probably looked - but the bigger part of me had just accepted that I really was not in a good place, and that the more I tried to work and pull myself together when I really wasn't ready for it, the harder I would find each day.

But I didn't know how else to act.

"Say there, Newbie… are you crying?"

"No," I choked out, vigorously shaking my head. Dr. Cox was silent for a few seconds.

"… I hate to disagree with you there, but I'm pretty certain you are."

I wrenched my head up and looked at him, not caring about the tears streaked down my cheeks, the lone teardrop balancing on the edge of my nose. "What do YOU care anyway?"

Dr. Cox looked momentarily surprised; but then the old look of indifference passed over and he was normal again.

"Alarming though this may be, Alice, I have come to care for you… a very littlelittlelittlelittlelittle bit, mind you. Even if it's only because I need to know if you're good to work for the rest of the day or not."

I shook my head, forcing myself to stand up. That was _it_. His "don't care" attitude was starting to get too much for me, and I wasn't in the mood. I was practically breaking down in front of him and all he could do was be an asshole.

"Screw you Dr. Cox," I spat, pushing myself off of the wall and past him, making my way for the door. "Screw you. You've done nothing but mess me around since my Dad died, and I'm through with it."

I threw the door open blindly, not having the faintest idea where I was going. I stumbled my way to the doctors lounge and pushed the door open, forgetting the one piece of advice Turk had given me earlier that day. Dr. Cox strode in after me, slamming the door shut and (to my horror) locking it.

"Now wait just one second Newbie," he growled, advancing on me - I moved to the other side of the room quickly. "I took care of your patients. I let you into my apartment, a rarity for _anyone_ let alone you. I even told your patient she pretty much only had two years to live - and you act like a teenage girl? Goddamn Newbie, didn't your parents teach you respect?"

"Ha! Because you're the very essence of it, aren't you?" I said wildly, throwing my hands up. "You always treat people with respect no matter how bad things are, don't you? You never do inappropriate things when people are at their most vulnerable, do you?"

Dr. Cox was silent for a few moments, before he folded his arms. "Care to elaborate?"

"With pleasure," I cried. "First you act like a complete asshole when all I wanted was a bit of sympathy. Then, you _mock_ me by offering a hug that you don't even want to give, treating me like some idiot! Worse still, when I call you on it, you end up making me feel even _more_ stupid and _more_ vulnerable by, quite frankly, _harassing _me about something that happened against my will -"

My eyes were getting hazy, knowing I was out of control, knowing soon it would be the end of my life _AGAIN_, in this same room _AGAIN_, " - and THEN, when you'd think that you'd just get the point and leave me be, you get me drunk, undress me - yes, that's right, I remember," I shouted, seeing the slight surprise on his face. "And you let me embarrass myself even further! I mean, what is your problem, Perry? Do you get a kick out of making me feel stupid? Does it make you feel good to know I feel so damned vulnerable right now, especially when I'm with you?"

He was slowly walking towards me, his eyes glazed over, and I knew I should run, but my feet wouldn't move.

"Is it the fear in my eyes? The pain in my voice? Or is it the way that I let you turn everything into a fucked-up game of cat and mouse? Do you think I _like_ being the mouse? Chased and abused all the fucking time -"

Suddenly he's right in front of me, my back pressed into the wall, his nose almost touching mine. I could feel his body heat through his clothes, through my scrubs, and it was as his eyes met mine that I was truly aware of how far I'd pushed him.

"You don't know the meaning of the word abuse, Newbie," he said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. It didn't have to be; I could hear every word loud and clear - he was standing close enough. "You don't know what it's like to truly be used, abused, treated like shit day in day out with no control over it whatsoever."

I could see his pulse flickering in his temple, fast, hard. I gulped. I tried to move, but it just made my nose brush over his, causing me to freeze completely; now was not the time to accidentally Eskimo-kiss Dr. Cox. I checked, thinking over that thought.

_Was there ever a right time?!_

"I, however, have some experience in that aspect, and let me tell you - it's not a thing like what I do to you. There's no answers, no escape routes, no magical miracle getaway plans - you can't leave. You don't have the choice in the matter. You, my friend, have a choice. If you hate the way I treat you so damn much, you can walk out that door and never come back. You can get a new job, start a new life, forget I ever existed."

_I don__'t want to_.

"As for all the things you took such great pains to mention, let us not forget that you shoved me three times, despite the warning I gave you. It was also you that decided it'd be a good idea to get an erection whilst I had pinned you against the wall, a little like you are now -" _oh god, don't say that, things might happen again_, " - and, that when it came to me suggesting to help you out - that's right, Tiffany, I remember exactly what I said - I was merely just trying to make the situation a little easier to handle. A little less awkward."

"Bullshit," I whispered, not realising I had spoken until his eyes flashed at me. I saw his jaw tighten, his muscles flex.

"Pardon me?"

His eyes were icy cold… shit, they were so cold they burned. I tried to shut my eyes, but what with the body heat and the warm breath against my lips, I started to lose myself in it and - _oh god, not again!! _I forced my eyes open and quickly spoke, desperate to distract him from what was happening below waist-level. "You didn't do that to make it easier, especially not for me."

"Elaborate. Now."

I gulped.

"You knew how… how uncomfortable I was. You knew I was… in trouble." I ignored his snort at my way of describing a hard on. "Not to mention everyone knows that ears are one of the most sensitive places on a human body." I took a deep breath. "I think…"

I hesitated. This could be very, very dangerous. I slowly let my eyes meet Dr. Cox's, which were focused on mine in a terrifyingly intense way. I looked away.

"You think what?" His voice was that low, intense whisper again - it reminded me of what we were talking about, and I shivered. Noticeably.

Shit.

"I think that you did it on purpose to make it even harder for me. I think you wanted me to be even more… uncomfortable."

There - I'd said it. I shut my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall, wishing desperately that I could take it back. Wishing desperately that I wasn't getting hard right that second. Wishing Dr. Cox would move away from me so I could pull myself together.

_This is not normal_.

"And so what… those comments, those naughty little sentences you came up with whilst you lay on the floor, waiting for me to undress you, were just coincidental? You didn't say them because subconsciously, you wanted me to do it again?"

_WHAT?!_

"Now I'm not saying that I did it for the reason you're suggesting; nor am I saying I didn't get a kick out of it. Because you see," he said, his nose nudging mine accidentally, causing me to push myself even harder into the wall behind me. "Those baby blues of yours just happen to have the most de_lightful_ way of looking sad, vulnerable, scared and lonely - all at once. And when they do that, when they gaze up at me in that way that would make anyone want to hug you and take care of baby Dorian - well, it sort of has the opposite effect."

I gulped for what had to be the third or fourth time that day. "You… want to push me away and abandon me?"

Dr. Cox grinned. I gulped.

"Not quite, Newbie. You see, when you look at me like that, I get this overwhelming urge… it seems that at that moment of terror, vulnerability, whatever the hell it is - it seems that you completely lose control of yourself. And that makes me… want to… take control."

I blinked. "You want to make me your bitch?"

_Is it just me, or did his body just get a little closer?_

"Wrong. Not my bitch. I'm not going to make you dress in leather and do naughty, naughty things to me when no one else is looking," he smirked, seeing my face flush bright pink. "I hate to disappoint you, Newbie, but I don't want you to be my girlfriend."

I shook my head, wishing he would move away.

"Then what do you want? To fuck around with my head? 'Cos you're doing a pretty good job of that right now."

He laughed, his body moving slightly against mine as he did. Suddenly, without warning, his lips were against my ear again, harsh, hot -

"That sounds about right. Like you said earlier, it's just a game of Cat and Mouse. I chase you, I catch you… I play with you… and then just when you think I might kill you - I let you go."

He suddenly moved away, leaving me cold, breathless, and trembling. He was only a few feet away, but the distance was enough to make me feel, as I had said earlier, abandoned. I clenched my shaking hands at my sides, trying to control myself. What the hell was he doing to me? Why was he doing this? What was _he _getting out of this?

Dr, Cox was watching me, seeing what I would do next. I opened my mouth to say something, but my mouth was dry - I couldn't move my lips or tongue to even form a word. I shake my head firmly, trying to pull myself together, but all I can think of is how I can still feel his lips at my ear, still feel his body on mine.

How hard I still am.

"Oh," I murmur quietly, shutting my eyes and letting the wall support my body. My legs are shaking too hard, and I know that if I try and stand up alone, I'll fall down. Suddenly I'm crying again, silently; tears just start streaming down my face - what the _hell?!_

I shake my head violently, trying to get rid of them, but they won't go - I glance up, trying to see through the haze of tears that are now clouding my vision, but all I can see is a white blur making its way towards me. I turn away, feeling sick with myself, determined that he won't do any of that to me again - but as I do his hands catch my arms, holding me upright. For a few seconds, they stay there, warm and strong, holding me together - until suddenly they let go, and he's gone, unlocking the door and striding out.

Leaving me alone.


	7. Loss

_**It has been MORE than a long time for this chapter, and for that I apologise with all my heart and soul! I've been at University and finding time to write has been insanely difficult but today - well, today the slashy goodness just tempted me to take some time for myself, JD and Dr. Cox.**_

_**So, without further ado, the next Chapter! Love to all that have reviewed, you guys are frigging AMAZING! I hope that everyone who has added this to their Story Alerts is now jittery with anticipation. ;-)**_

_**OH - one more thing, and this is pretty important; this chapter works really hard to stay canon with the actual goings-on in the rest of Season 4 but towards the end and for the rest of the story it probably won't. I wanted to try and make it work, but adding in everyone's issues and developing the storyline at the same time is quite complicated so after this it won't be canon anymore, though I may use titbits from the series when it's necessary.**_

_**Also, a really nice POV from Carla here, I really enjoyed writing it, made the story feel slightly more involved with everyone else.**_

_**Thanking you - now read on, my lovelies, read on!**_

**Chapter Seven - Loss**

_**JD POV**_

The weeks flew by; soon I was faced with accepting that it had been weeks since my Dad had died and the possibility of it all being some crazy dream was now out of the picture. It was almost a relief to properly accept it, as the days that flew by afterwards weren't without their complications; as if on cue, three women stepped into my life pretty much one after the other - the beautiful, crazy Molly Clock; the terrifying, cold-hearted Neena Broderick; and finally, a girl so perfect for me I could hardly believe she was mine… Kylie. Gorgeous, funny, warm-hearted Kylie.

Let's get this straight, things are never simple in my relationships and I get that. It's like I attract drama - no wonder I had so many almost-relationships with Elliot, she's the Drama-Queen of Sacred Heart… but anyway. Kylie and I were getting along really well, we had so much fun and Turk absolutely _adored_ her so in regards to the emotional and social sides of the relationship it's everything I could have ever asked for. Of course, that doesn't quite change the fact that we still hadn't had sex. Not once. Not even close. Not even a bit of fondling, I mean, come on! Don't get me wrong here, I wasn't in it just for the sex but every time it looked like we were about to get down to business she'd give me the 'goodbye' kiss and I'd be out in the cold within three minutes.

To add insult to injury, Turk and Carla decided that they needed 'space' and that I had to move out. Don't assume they gave me much time to do it, either - I had practically hours to find a new place, despite being at work all day.

"Look, Laverne, it'd just be for a week -"

"Q-tip, even if I had the space I'd still tell you you're wasting your time. Mr. Roberts likes to have the house to ourselves in the evenings - especially the kitchen." She smirked, winking.

I recoiled in horror at what she was most definitely alluding to and simply exited as quickly as I could - Nurse Roberts' sex life was the last thing I wanted to think about.

Well. Maybe there were a few other things I was trying to keep from my mind.

Dr. Cox and I, after a few days of me avoiding him and him not caring, had returned to normal - we never discussed what had happened and I really didn't want to bring it up so was more than happy to carry on as usual. We never spent too long in a room alone with each other, and though I liked to kid myself into believing it was just because we were both swamped with work I knew the truth of it was that I came up with any excuse I could to get out of a room with him in. Because as much as I hated to admit it, I was scared of him. Dr. Cox was turning into someone I didn't recognise, and the worst part of it was even when he was being his usual mean-mentor self all I could see when I looked at him was the way his eyes had burned when he had looked at me up against that wall, his anger radiating off onto me -

Half the time all I could remember was how it felt to be that close to him for such an extensive amount of time.

I somehow managed to keep myself distracted throughout the day; I wrote a list of people I could ask about renting a room, saw to all of my patients and even managed to fit in a game of 'hide the saltine; with Turk. I honestly had no idea how I was keeping sane, but the possibility of Kylie letting me stay at her place was one that kept my mind from my tormentor.

…needless to say I somehow managed to screw that up too (I don't know what did it, whether it was the unwashed scent of Rowdy or maybe-possibly-definitely my hints towards wanting this new situation to lead to sex) so I found myself heading to more unfamiliar territory - first to The Todd, which was so disturbing it's yet another memory I had to suppress; then onto having to reject an offer from the Janitor which would have almost definitely resulted in some sort of maiming; Ted and Lonny came next, but unless I wanted to share a bed with Ted and his Mom or sleep on Lonny's doorstep as there was no room due to the three illegitimate children in his apartment, I was pretty much screwed.

That's not to say I was entirely disappointed with my efforts - in my effort to get in touch with Doug I managed to have a chance meeting with Ed McMahon (definitely to go on the list of My 20 Greatest Moments) which _definitely_ made my night. Of course, then I found myself trailing back to the hospital in an attempt to find somewhere to sleep.

" - in fact, if you want, you can baby-sit my kid!"

Baby-sit? Here was my chance! I found myself running towards the voice, knowing it was Dr. Cox and knowing that he was the last person I wanted to do a favour for but I was desperate. I saw him through an archway, walking with (I almost cried out with joy) his own version of Chocolate Bear - I walked towards them.

"Are we really doing this? 'Cos I'll baby-sit the hell out of your kid."

I was almost there…

"Oh, bring it on Daddy -"

I leapt around the corner behind them, words flying out before I could stop them.

"_Who needs a baby-sitter_?! I'll do it! You don't even have to pay me in cash, just pay me in hot showers."

From the moment Dr. Cox and his friend had turned around to face me, I could feel a blush threatening to creep up into my cheeks - undeniably girly, but in all honesty the only reason I wanted to stop myself from letting them see it was because I didn't want to give Dr. Cox the pleasure of knowing I was still awkward. His eyes fixed on me with frustration edging the iciness of his glare. I felt my mouth dry up as my eyes met his, but I kept talking, mostly to prove to myself that I still could.

"And you don't have to like, wash me, unless you want to - but that could be weird, I don't know…"

Oh _god_, he was still staring at me. I faintly heard his reply ("Newbie! I've got this one covered!") but it was taking all of my self-control not to turn away and run in the opposite direction - why was he looking at me like that?! Why did he have to make me feel so damned awkward when what I really needed was for someone to take pity on me and give me somewhere to stay?!

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

The idea of taking pity on Newbie and letting him stay anywhere near me was difficult enough to stomach, but as soon as he suggested the idea of washing him in a hot shower - well, that was when I realised that as much I had tried to pretend otherwise, this weird little game of mine was not over yet. I mean, yeah, I had other things on my mind such as Ron's kid probably having Autism and treating Mrs. Berry who, despite our best efforts was rapidly deteriorating… but now I had another 'to do' added to the list, and this 'to do' was becoming more and more disturbing. I mean come on, the way he looked at me wasn't filled with respect like it once was - instead, he was looking at me like I was about to jump on him and eat him, which, to be completely fair to the kid, wasn't far off from the last time.

His eyes flickered from Ron to me, hope in his eyes (still mixed with that damned fear).

"Come on, you're interracial best buddies! I, too, have a black best friend - go out, enjoy it, celebrate your uniqueness, I can do it!"

I played along with Ron as he berated Newbie for his use of 'black' instead of 'African-American', closed my eyes with frustration as the kid brought up his 'interracial best buddy' and finally allowed my eyes to settle back onto him as Ron finished off with an all-mighty "Who the hell is Turk?!" - but it was difficult. Because rather than feeling simply frustrated at him and wanting him to get the hell away so I could confirm this baby-sitting thing with Ron, instead I found myself noting the dark circles underneath Newbie's eyes, his unhealthily flushed cheeks, his too-bright eyes. Was he ill? Not that I gave a damn, but if he was ill he sure as hell shouldn't be in the hospital. Or at least, that's what I told myself.

"I should go."

He slipped between us, brushing up against me and leaving behind that scent, that lavender mixed with something slightly more masculine that made me want to stride after him, grab him by the arm and -

I forced myself back to the matter at hand.

"Angry black man - it never disappoints."

Ron grinned. "I pull it out when I need to."

"So whaddya say?"

Fifteen minutes later I was getting in my car to head back to my place to look after his kid, studiously ignoring the soaking wet, dishevelled Newbie climbing onto his scooter in the rain.

X X X X X

_**Carla POV**_

After realising that we needed Bambi in our lives, we found him at Kylie's and managed to convince him to come home; it didn't take much as soon as he realised that we'd effectively ruined his chances of sleeping with her (oops) and by the time we were all settled in the living room together it felt like he'd never left.

Well, until he made Turk and I realise we were in trouble. Suddenly it was like everything that could go wrong in our relationship happened, or felt like it - he started talking to an ex-girlfriend a day after JD moved back in, eventually driving me to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore and had to stop him from talking to her. It was _then_ that I found out he hadn't told her that he was married, and it was _then_ that I found myself so angry I could barely see straight - I got out of there as quickly as possible, walking towards somewhere, having no idea where I was heading to. It was only as I found myself buzzing Perry Cox's apartment from outside his building that I managed to figure out where I was.

Anger makes me lose my head a little.

"What do you want?"

The voice over the intercom was harsh, stressed and female - I cursed in Spanish under my breath. Why did Jordan have to be in? I wasn't in the mood for her, I just wanted to speak to Dr. Cox, be with a familiar face that didn't remind me of Turk like JD did.

"Hello?"

I sighed.

"Sorry, Jordan, it's Carla. I know it's late, and I hope you don't mind but I was hoping to speak to -"

"Perry's not home."

My brow creased in confusion. Where was he, at this time of the evening?

"O…kay, well, I'm sure I'll speak to him another time. Sorry again, night."

"Wait, wait, wait! I've got a bottle of wine and Jack's literally just fallen asleep again, wanna come up?"

"Uhhh…"

"Oh, come on. I know we don't get along so well but I'm bored and lonely, and god knows when ass-face is gonna get home."

Taking a deep breath, I replied a hesitant "all right then" and pulled open the door as it buzzed - this was bizarre. Jordan and I hadn't had the easiest acquaintanceship since she and Dr. Cox had become a couple again, and both being stubborn women who held an important place in his life… well, we were susceptible to clashing. And I couldn't see tonight being any different.

The door opened before I even reached it, and there she stood, perfectly dressed with her flawless make-up, looking over my wet clothes and hair before shaking her head and passing me a glass of red wine. "Come on in, I'll get you some clothes."

I walked in, shutting the door quietly behind me and brushing my wet hair out of my face - did it look like I'd been crying? I hadn't even realised there were tears falling down my face as I had been walking until I'd caught sight of my reflection in a bus window, my cheeks streaked with mascara. I stood by the door, waiting for Jordan to return, glancing around at the apartment that had always struck me as cold and impersonal, even with toys scattered around. I guess some places just don't change. In a way, it was comforting.

"There's a dry towel in the bathroom, and I left some clothes in there for you."

I turned and nodded to Jordan, trying to portray my gratefulness in the little forced smile I gave. I took my glass of wine with me into the stark white bathroom, locking the door behind me and staring at myself in the mirror. What was I doing here? What had I hoped for by coming here? For Dr. Cox to be my saviour? It had been a long time since we'd been that close, and I was almost certain that I hadn't come here for sex, so why had I chosen here of all places?

I washed my face, dried myself with the towel and pulled on the black trousers and a surprisingly comfortable mocha sweatshirt, pulling a hairbrush through my hair before unlocking the door and stepping out, wine glass in hand.

"Come sit, I have chocolate."

Jordan's sharp eyes were surprisingly soft as she looked at me, patting the seat beside her and shifting over so that I had more room - I sat beside her, taking a few gulps of the wine without realising what I was doing. She continued to look at me, taking a sip of her own wine before raising an eyebrow. I was surprised she still could after all the botox.

"So come on, tell me! What happened? Found your husband boinking someone else?"

My mouth fell open. "You don't beat around the bush, do you?"

She shrugged, leaning back. "Honey, you can't expect me to not ask questions when you turn up here with mascara down your face, soaked through."

I felt my defences rise but in all fairness to her, Jordan had so far been extremely generous when she had absolutely no need to be. I took a few sips of wine and forced myself to calm down.

"I don't even know if I should be angry. I found out that Turk was talking to an ex-girlfriend - at least once a day - and the moment I tell him to stop talking to her, it turns out she didn't even know he was married. How could he not tell her something like that? I'm his wife, I'm his other half… how am I not important enough?"

Jordan raised her eyebrow again. "Are you kidding me? You're upset over something trivial like _that? _I could tell you stories that would shock the hell out of you! Your marriage is a water-slide compared to mine and Perry's train wreck. You think you've reached the end of the horror and screaming and then you just find something else in your path that sets you back a thousand paces."

"Yeah, but that's you and Dr. Cox! You've _always_ been a mess, but Turk and I have always been fine until this all exploded in my face. How am I supposed to handle something like this? How can I trust him to stay faithful to me when he's off talking to ex-girlfriends and neglecting to tell them about me, his wife?" My eyes were filling up again.

"Easy," she replied, sipping her wine. "You move out for a little while and when you're ready go back to him."

I laughed bitterly. "It's that easy? I'll just somehow trust him again?"

Suddenly she was sitting up, putting her wine down and leaning forward; her brown eyes met mine, half-amused and half-serious.

"Look Carla… if you don't give yourselves some space through this, what are you going to end up doing? Arguing, screaming at each other? End up hating each other so much that you find yourselves breaking up after months of pain? I mean, honestly, can you see the point in that?"

I bit my lip. "No, but -"

"No buts! Perry and I have had so many breaks we've been off more than on, but we always manage to work it out and still somehow care about each other. Sometimes… space is all it takes to get things back on track."

There was a strangeness to her tone, and I picked up on it straight away. "But sometimes it isn't?"

Jordan smiled wryly. "A few times Perry and I have used our time away from each other to pursue other things, other people. Usually that happens when he gives the marching orders - I get pissy and go and sleep with whatever frat boys are in town, and he finds some leggy blonde to bring back here and almost sleep with -"

"Almost sleep with?"

"Yeah, I don't quite understand it either - whenever Perry goes to sleep with someone else, chances are that he'll bail out and just wait for me to come on home."

I stopped for a second, thinking this through. If I left Turk to his own devices, would he call his ex-girlfriend again? Would he give up on our marriage for a flirtation and some easy sex? Just how unimportant was I to him?

"Oh, stop your self-pity," Jordan suddenly said, frowning. "You have a great relationship with what's-his-name! And I have a great relationship with Perry; we just look for different things in a relationship. Yes, it's a little screwed up but our way of handling things works for us. If you and your man take a break, take a breather, chances are you'll both just figure out how much you need each other and he'll be at your beck and call for the rest of your life!"

"But how can you trust Dr. Cox after almost sleeping with so many women?" I said desperately, suddenly realising I needed answers and knowing that for whatever reason, it was meant to be Jordan here tonight and not Perry. "How can you take so many 'breathers' and still come out of it like you are?"

For a few moments we sat quietly, her looking intently at me as if wanting to say something and me looking at her with hope in my eyes - I needed reassurance. I knew I was looking at the wrong person for it, but I needed it and I prayed that she would be the one to help.

"Carla, we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I know that you want Perry to be happy, right?" I nodded, feeling slightly guilty that she was being so generous with her time when I had never given her any of mine. "Well… it's not always that simple. We make each other happy most of the time, and when we don't, we take a break. But recently…" She paused, and I saw something flicker in her eyes as she deftly changed the direction she was heading in. "Look, you know deep down what's right for you. Just focus on that and do what you need to do. All I can tell you is there's a reason you're so upset, and that's because you know that he isn't the type to do something like this. It's one mistake."

I took on what she was saying, but I couldn't forget what she had said before. "What were you going to say? Before, about recently with Dr. Cox?"

"It's not important." She waved it off. "Perry always gets distracted by things, it's never something to worry about. We always choose each other in the end."

"Do you think he's having an affair?" I was truly shocked - in all my years of knowing Dr. Cox, he'd never actually _cheated_ on Jordan. More like he cheated on his girlfriends _with_ Jordan.

She shrugged. "Who knows? All I know is that something's on his mind and it's distracting him from me, from Jack and I don't know, maybe even from work. But it's out of my hands - your issue isn't out of yours."

I found myself nodding again, grateful for what she was saying, grateful for the unexpected kindness. I stood, placing my glass of wine down.

"I should probably get going," I smiled warmly at her, probably the warmest gesture I'd ever offered her. "Look, I know we're not that close but -"

"I know, and I know that you'd do the same for me if it were the other way around. We both want to keep Perry happy, and so long as one of us is unhappy that just won't happen, right?"

The silence reminded us both of Jordan's admission that something wasn't quite right with Dr. Cox, but we both allowed it to bypass as we walked to the front door. She opened it for me and I stepped into the hallway.

"Thank you."

"I was lonely, it wasn't just for you."

Back to normal; I smiled once more before making my way downstairs. I had made my decision, I knew I had - I would give us space, would live with Elliot for a little while until it was right for us to live together again. I still loved Turk, with all my heart, but I couldn't trust him like I could before - living with him might just push our relationship over the edge. I silently thanked Jordan again as I pushed open the door and stepped into the pouring rain. I found myself face-to-face with Dr. Cox.

"What're you doing here?" he said, confusion crossing his face as he looked at me, wearing Jordan's clothes. _I'll have to pick my clothes up at some point_, I mused. I found myself looking at him differently, wondering where he'd been at this time of night, wondering if he did actually have a bit on the side to keep himself happy. I felt the old anger flare up again.

"I've been spending some time with your _wife_," I said coldly, staring up at him. He looked taken aback by my tone and reached out to touch my arm - I pulled away.

"Carla, are you… are you all right? You look kind of pissed off there. Don't tell me Ghandi's gone and taken Newbie as his mistress?"

Suddenly I found my anger uncontrollable; I reached out and placed my palms flat against his chest, pushing him. "Everything is a joke to you, isn't it? What if Turk _had_ taken a mistress? Would you laugh? Would you make jokes about it?"

His mouth fell slightly open, rain dripping from his hair onto his lips.

"And what about JD, hmmm? Why are you picking on him so badly? I've seen the way you look at him, all cold and uncaring - what has he done to deserve it? He does nothing but worship you and you treat him like dirt. I don't know what happened to you, but you've changed and I don't think I even _know_ you anymore!"

"Now look -"

"No, _YOU _look!" I was practically shouting and I knew that part of my anger was to do with Turk and not him but I had to release it, he had to see what was going on inside of my head, my heart. "You push away the people that care about you the most, and for what? To mess with their heads? To scare them into submission? And now, look at you now, coming back from god knows where at this time of night? Care to tell me where you've been? Care to tell _Jordan_?"

A strange smile crept upon his lips as he closed his eyes and lowered his head. That answered it for me - whatever he was doing, he didn't want Jordan to know about it. I was so angry I couldn't speak.

His voice was low and quiet in comparison to mine, and I had to strain to hear it. "It doesn't matter where I have or haven't been - it is not yours or my wife's business."

I shook my head disbelievingly. "So that's how you're going to play it. Well fine, _Perry_, fine, do what you want and damn the consequences, right? Don't worry about who gets hurt. My husband and I are living apart as of tonight because of leaving out important information - yes, that's right!" I cried, seeing his look of shock. "My relationship could be over because of something that seems so small, but when you look at it from my side, it's a _big_ thing. When you look at what you're doing from Jordan's side -"

"Now what in the hell do you think you're talking about?" he said, anger suddenly flashing in his eyes, eyes that I had once sought comfort in. "You automatically assume that because I'm out at this time I'm having an affair? Course, that's just what I'd do, fuck around and keep it from Jordan. I mean, Jesus Christ Carla, when was the last time I did something bad and then hid it from her? From _you_? How much faith do you have in me, exactly, 'cos right now it sure doesn't feel like much!"

I nodded, fumbling with my back and preparing to walk. "You're right. I _have_ lost faith in you. I've seen what your indifference can do to people, Dr. Cox, and you must forgive me if I don't let you get close enough anymore to do the same to me. I won't see myself hurt the way you've hurt JD, I just won't."

I began to walk away, but he leapt in front of me, raising his hands to stop me.

"Wait just a minute, now this is about Newbie? What exactly is the importance of him in this conversation, because I sure as hell can't see it!"

"The importance? The importance is _him_, you jackass! When are you going to open your eyes and see that he's not someone you can mess around with to your hearts content? You think I haven't seen the look in his eyes when he sees you walking nearby? The fear? The regret? I don't know what the hell you've done to him, but you've taken a part of what used to make him _him_ away and I'm telling you, you _will_ put it back. You either do that or leave him alone, let someone else look after him. You don't deserve him anymore, and you sure as hell don't deserve my friendship."

With that, I left him standing there, marching towards Elliot's where I knew I would find a friend who would not hurt me and would simply hug me and provide me with somewhere warm to sleep. I didn't look back.

_**There you have it folks, Chapter 7! Am writing Chapter 8 as we speak, so expect an update within the next few days - or, to be honest, in the next few hours! R & R as ever, and I hope you all didn't give up hope on this one too much!**_


	8. Text Talk

_**Chapter 8 already, I hear you say? Yes, that's correct! Here is Chapter 8, ready and written for you within hours of posting Chapter 7. I hope you enjoy this chapter; I sure as hell will enjoy writing it.**_

_**Onwards! The usual warnings - slashy, yummy, naughty goodness. There may be some in this chapter. There may not be. All I can promise you is that it'll be intense as anything. ^_^**_

**Chapter Eight - Control**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

Kissing as hard as I could, I thrust myself upwards into Jordan, large hands holding her hips so that she felt the depth, the heat, the friction - she cried out, rocking herself against me, so close to orgasm that I could feel her muscles tightening around me already. I knew it would only take one more thrust and she'd be gone - this was not the case for me. I was nowhere near the end.

I growled in frustration.

"Perry, god Perry, do it -"

It knew it wasn't going to happen; there was no way I could get myself turned on enough to finish this - I mean, I was having a good time, what man doesn't have a good time when he's having sex with a woman like Jordan? She was no novice, she knew what she was doing, but I guess it was one of those night where I wasn't absorbed in it like usual. I had other things on my mind.

Still, she still had the chance of a happy ending so I'd give it to her - rather than do what I usually did and do one really long, deep stroke to finish her off, I suddenly moved hard, fast and deep - the scream that ripped from her throat was as loud and intense as always, but without my release it didn't seem to have the same effect. Instead I went soft, slipping out her as she shuddered in pleasure, my arms pulling her down onto me and holding her close. She wriggled against me, both of us uncomfortable.

"You didn't -"

"Not tonight."

Jordan moved off of me, looking down at me. "That's the second time in the last two weeks, Perry. Something wrong?"

I put my hands behind my head and closed my eyes.

"It was great as always, Jordan. I've just got a lot on my mind."

She stared at me for a few more moments, but I pointedly ignored her (as usual after sex) and made it clear that it wasn't up for discussion. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to her about it, I just didn't feel like it was enough for it to be a conversation just yet. If I would talk to anyone about it, oddly enough it _would_ be Jordan.

"Well, all right. Night then."

As she closed her eyes and settled down to sleep, I felt myself become wider awake - goddamn Carla Turk. All I hear in my mind was her voice yelling at me, being so brutally honest that I hadn't been able to move for minutes after she had left me standing there on the corner - and all I could see in my mind was, predictably, Newbie. Not for the first time the thought of him was keeping me awake, and it was starting to drive me insane.

If I'd have wanted to, I could've told Carla that I'd been circling his apartment building for the last few hours, confused as hell as to why he was on my mind so damned often and wanting to see him so I could just get that part over and done with and _stop thinking about him_ - however when she'd stormed off out of the building, I'd tried following her but she'd been so fast in that way that only small Latina women can be that I'd lost track of her and ended up aimlessly wandering, frustrated and angry and letting the rain attempt to soothe me.

For a while, it had worked. Until I bumped into her and she'd laid it all out in front of me.

Either I had to start being _nice_ to Newbie or I had to leave him alone - for good. Oddly, the idea of leaving him alone left a strange ache in the pit of my stomach, slightly similar to the ache I got whenever I wanted to play Cat and Mouse (I had liked this analogy of his, and found it pretty appropriate) but different in a way I couldn't place. The idea of being _nice _to him however had elicited a much stronger reaction and I knew that if I had to choose one of the two it would be to leave him to find someone else to follow, to respect. Not that he really did either of those nowadays.

I groaned, rubbing my hands over my face in frustration and wishing I could go back to that damned day where I first messed with him, wishing I could take it back. As much as I hated to admit it, I wanted the old 'relationship' back, the one where he looked at me like the sun shined out of my ass and the one where I looked at him like he was the pain in said ass - but I was stuck with how I'd made things, and the only thing I could do was either set it right or ignore it and pretend he now no longer existed.

I lifted my head and slammed it back into the pillow, cursing that fluffy-haired idiot and wondering not for the first time why he was the one keeping me awake.

X X X X X

_**JD POV**_

I couldn't sleep. It sounds stupid but whenever I closed my eyes all I could see was _him_, Dr. Cox - not as I knew him now but as he had been before all of this weirdness. The occasional winks, the hesitant pats on the back, the glint in his eye that spoke of danger and anticipation - I missed it, I missed our old relationship and wanted it back to how it was. Every second that I thought about it made me want to pick up the phone and call him, see if he was going as mad as I was, see if he actually gave a damn like I was still trying to kid myself into thinking - yet I knew it was a wasted thought process. He didn't give a damn about me any more than Jordan did, any more than Dr. Kelso did. I was officially being phased out of his life and I was just waiting for the official push.

Suddenly I sat up, determination flooding through my veins; _screw it_, I thought, pushing the covers off of my restless body and swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. I would call him. Even if it made him angry, even if it made him threaten to kill me, it would be _something_ compared to the indifference.

I crept into the kitchen, tiles cold on my feet, my body beginning to shake. What the hell was I doing? He'd cut my man-parts off for this, leave me a bare as Rowdy - but I couldn't see what other choice I had, I needed to know what was going on in his head. Nothing had ever bothered me so much before when it came to him, but now I was overwhelmed with it and couldn't sleep, constantly tossing and turning -

I picked up the phone. My hands were trembling as I started punching in numbers, feeling the usual shame at knowing his cell number despite only having used it once. It started ringing, ringing, ringing - suddenly it clicked through to Voicemail, just his voice saying,

"This is Perry Cox's phone - I'm not around. Leave a message and I'll get back to you."

I couldn't deny it; just hearing his voice sent shivers running down my spine. What the hell was happening to me? Surely I hated him for what he had done to me, to us, how he had treated me? Yet I got a sick sense of pleasure hearing his voice on the other side of the phone - I had to call it again, hear it again. I re-dialled, waiting as it rang and listening to the deep timbre of his words again; I shut my eyes, savouring it. He barely spoke to me these days.

_Once more_, I said to myself, dialling the number - but just before I went to hit 'Call' the phone suddenly began ringing. Terrified of waking up Turk, I forgot just who it might be and answered. Just as I was about to speak, I realised who was on the other end of that telephone call and stopped, gulping.

A few moments of silence, before,

"Anyone there, or shall I just hang up?"

I let my lips part, wanting to push out some words but finding myself frozen with shock. There it was, his voice, deeper and different to his voicemail - the voicemail had been business-like, just doing what he had to do, but this tone was one edged with that usual frustration and something else - something that sounded just a little bit like anticipation.

"I _could_ just hang up and call the boys in blue, report harassment of some kind, if you'd prefer? I'm really not fussy."

My breathing was coming in laboured; his voice in my ear reminded me of how close he had been, how his lips had brushed my ear-lobe as he'd spoken to me in the doctor's lounge - I knew he would be able to hear it, would probably assume it was some idiot teenager messing around, doing prank phone calls -

"Newbie?"

_SHIT! _How did he know it was me? I tried to silence myself, lifting the phone away from my ear to place it on the cradle and pretend it had never happened but his voice came out again, still deep, still edged with both frustration and that other one I still couldn't quite place.

"It's 3am, Newbie. What in the hell do you think you're doing calling now? What the hell do you think you're doing calling full stop?"

I shut my eyes. _Why can't I speak?_ My breathing was still laboured, partly from shock and partly from still recalling how it had felt to have that voice in my ear, coming directly from his lips rather than from a phone.

His tone changed.

"Has something happened?"

Was that… was that _concern?_ Was Dr. Cox concerned about me? I finally found my voice, intending to reassure him, but instead all that came out as,

"You tell me."

His breath hitched slightly, and for a few seconds I was sure he was crying until I realised it was quiet laughter. "You call me at 3am to make me answer my own questions for you? Go to hell."

"I called you because I didn't know what else to do," I hissed into the receiver, clutching the phone so tightly my knuckles went white. "Where else am I supposed to get answers from? My friends are falling apart at the seams and they're all leaning on me - who am I supposed to lean on? I'm being kept awake all night just by the… by the thought of…"

I stopped, having to catch my breath - this was crazy.

"Kept awake by the thought of _you_ and who the hell am I supposed to talk to? Whose going to support me?"

"I don't know, but it sure isn't going to be me, Gloria. Take your angst elsewhere, I don't want to hear it."

The phone clicked as he hung up, leaving me with a dialling tone in my ear. I shut my eyes, automatically putting the receiver back onto the cradle and leaning my elbows onto the countertop, resting my head in my hands. So. This was it. It was going to be like this from now on.

I stood up properly, rubbing my hands over my face and making my way slowly back to my bedroom.

The phone rang again.

_Don't bother. Just leave it._

_But then Turk will pick it up and wonder what the hell's going on!_

_What the hell IS going on?!_

I padded to the phone quickly and quietly, picking it up and pressing it to my ear, closing my eyes tightly.

There was silence. Until.

"You're keeping me up."

I snorted quietly. "I'm not the one whose calling this time." I hesitated. "Though I'm sorry for calling earlier. I just… I can't help but -"

"I'm not talking about now, Hayley, I'm talking about tonight. The night before. The night before that."

My breath caught in my throat; I felt my hands start to shake again. "I… how am I -"

"Damned if I know."

I slid down the cupboards, sitting on the floor with my knees drawn up to my chest. I held the phone close, wondering how I got here, wondering how it was that my mentor, my tormentor was on the phone to me at 3am telling me that I was on his mind, that I was keeping him awake.

"I…"

For some reason I stopped at this - my head was spinning. This was seriously crazy, surely this couldn't be happening? I shut my eyes and shook my head.

"I can't sleep."

The line went dead. Apparently I had leaned too far, too hard on with him without even meaning to - but still, I hadn't dreamed this, had I? He had just called me back to say he couldn't sleep because I was on his mind constantly, every night? And why did that not feel weird but instead, in the most bizarre way, exhilarating? I was still slightly breathless as I forced myself to stand, placing the receiver down as quietly as possible and shuffling off to my bedroom, voices in my head telling me to go to his apartment and demand to see him but I knew for a fact that would be taking it too far. I mean, Jesus, an hour ago I was angry as hell at the guy for having so much power over me and abusing it for his own entertainment - yet now I wanted to see him. Now, I wanted to look him in the eye and see that what he had told me was true - that he thought of me. That he was still thinking of me, even now.

I slipped into bed again, reaching for my cell to check the time - one new text message? My stomach dived again, wondering if it was, wondering what it said -

_None of this tomorrow._

That was it. None of what? No talking about what had come up during our brief conversation on the phone? No talking whatsoever?

And even though I knew it was probably the latter, and even though my head was so full it was all I could do to actually lay it down on the pillow, the moment I shut my eyes, I fell asleep.

The first time in days.

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

I put my cell down on the bedside table next to me, knowing he was probably jumping for joy that I somehow knew his cell number, and wondering why such a small thing would cause him so much joy. Equally I wondered what the hell had pushed me to ring him back, to admit something so potentially damaging, so emotional it made me feel dirty even remembering. Even though my plan was to ignore him, to blank him so hard that he just _had_ to go crawling after someone else for a 'mentor', I knew that by calling him back I had started something new - perhaps a continuation of the game I had already started and perhaps something different altogether.

But what I knew for sure was that once my head hit that pillow, I was gone to the world - at least for the next few hours. Worse, that I knew why,

_**To avoid confusion, yes, that is the end of the chapter. Short, I know, but I've given you two chapters in one day, so shhh :-P Also, it's been brought to my attention that a) apparently my character voices aren't differentiated enough and b) that the "JD POV" etc is distracting. What do you guys think? I wasn't concerned about the character voices/narrative voices simply because I've had reviewers saying they're spot on but am I wrong? Do let me know, guys, because I was going by the mass reviews rather than a single one, but if y'all agree I don't want to be ruining the story for you if it's not IC enough!**_

_**Thanks guys, and love as always! R & R your beautiful hearts out.  
**_


	9. Mistaken

_**Oh yes. The 9**__**th**__** Chapter.**_

_**3 Enjoy. I know I did.**_

**Chapter Nine - Mistaken**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

"Carla, can you get a blood sample on the patient in room 202? I swear, these patients just keep trying to die on me today and I am _not_ letting them have the satisfaction."

"I'm sorry, _Doctor_, but right now I have more than enough to be getting on with. Get one of your interns to do it."

I glanced up from the chart I was perusing and focused on the Latina nurse across the desk from me, raising an eyebrow at the cold tone I received in reply. Was she still angry at me? I re-he-heally wasn't in the mood for it having already almost lost three of my patients this morning, and slammed the chart down, making one of the newest interns standing at the nurses station jump in fear. I half-heartedly growled at him. "Hows about you grow a pair - loud noises can't, I repeat, _can't_ hurt you."

"Oh that's right, pick on the new ones before they even have a chance to grasp hold of some confidence! Don't listen to him, Adam," she said, mothering him like I had once seen her mother Newbie. "Why don't you go and get that blood sample from Mrs. Harris in room 202? I'm sure Dr. Cox would be glad to have you do it. Right Dr. Cox?"

Oh, no way in _h-y-ell_ was she getting away with belittling me in front of an Intern. "Sure, why not? Whilst you're at it, do you want to grab a nice dirty scalpel and try putting in the pacemaker that Mr. Roberts in 201 needs? Don't bother knocking the guy out, just slash away 'til he passes out in pain."

The intern turned white, mumbling something before turning around and hurrying in the direction of the infamous closet (the one that Newbie had favoured in his first year), giving me that grim sense of satisfaction that only fresh meat overwhelmed with fear could give. I turned to Carla, a grin on my face until I saw that she was looking at me with a mixture of what seemed to be disgust and anger.

"Oh come on Carla, you can't be mad at me forever, particularly when I haven't done anything wrong."

She raised her eyebrow and placed her hands on her hips, giving it a little 'Carla-from-the-block'. "You honestly don't think you've done anything wrong? How about having an affair, _Perry_, because that seems more than a little wrong to me!"

"Would ya keep your voice down? Holy hell," I put my hands on the top of my head, looking down at her. "I thought I made it clear last night that I'm not having an affair."

"Then you tell me why you've been so distracted recently."

What the hell was she talking about? "You'll have to enlighten me here, Carla, I haven't got the _faintest_ clue what you're talking about."

She blanched slightly. "Well, it's not… Jordan said -"

Ah. It all made sense now. "So you hear Jordan say 'he's distracted' and you hear 'having an affair'? I never thought I'd say this, but it's times like this that make me glad that you and I never got it together, let me tell you." I couldn't help it, I was angry at her for having so little faith at me - anyone would be, no one likes to be doubted by the person whose been by the side since day one. I shook my head, picking up the chart I had slammed down and giving my attention back to it, effectively making it clear that the conversation had ended. She stayed silent for a few moments (very unlike Carla) before she muttered,

"You wouldn't have been able to handle me anyway, jackass."

She stalked away, head held high - damn that woman was proud. I ground my teeth, trying to keep calm long enough to see to a few more patients before exploding but lo and behold, I caught Newbie strolling up the corridor, slightly flushed from the cold and looking like the sun was shining out of his ass. I growled under my breath and turned to walk in the opposite direction - I hadn't forgotten what had happened last night, but I sure as hell wasn't addressing it. Not ever.

Plus I'd made the decision to ignore him until he realised I had no intention of ever allowing him into my life again.

"Dr. Cox!"

On auto-pilot, I almost found myself turning at the sound of his voice but managed at the last minute to keep my body trained on walking away, grasping the chart in my hands so hard I could almost hear it screaming to be let free.

"Hey, Dr. Cox -"

Just the sound of his voice was grating on my nerves… I knew it was partially my fault and I was still angry as hell at myself for actually calling him back but honestly, did he have to be so _eager_? I knew that for whatever reason my phone call was the reason he was in such a good mood but in all honesty that just made me even angrier - he had to back off, and soon.

"Perry_?_"

I stopped dead in my tracks. I sensed him come up behind me and it was at that moment that I finally lost it.

"I just wanted to -"

Whirling around, I caught him by surprise - I could tell from the sudden warmth disappearing from his eyes and the replacement fear that he knew in that second exactly how I felt about the whole phone call situation, and that him even approaching me was a big mistake. But it was too late. He'd made the mistake.

"Don't _ever_ call me Perry again or I _swear_ I will mess you up so badly you won't even remember my name in the first place."

I saw an edge of a smile start to appear - he thought it was a joke. He thought it was one of my normal rants.

Well.

"Think it's funny? Why don't you go ahead and laugh at _this_ - under no circumstances are you to approach me at this hospital again. I don't want to see your face, hear your voice or even hear _about_ you again. If I do -" my voice lowered to almost a growl, " - I _will_ kill you."

"But -"

"No buts, _Dr. Dorian._" I watched his face fall at the lack of a familiar girls name or the usual 'Newbie' - and felt nothing. "This is the end of your little make-believe father-son relationship. I want nothing more to do with you. Keep out of my way and you may just stay alive long enough to see the end of the day."

With that I turned, ignoring the small crowd that had gathered (including a now-furious Carla) and threw down the chart I had been holding, heading for anywhere that would get me away from the hospital - all the while wondering when this place had stopped being somewhere I could escape to and become somewhere worth hiding from.

X X X X X

_**JD POV**_

"Bambi, come on. Let's go somewhere else, okay?"

I could feel Carla's hand on my elbow but I was numb - I knew my mouth was slightly open, my face still registering the shock from Dr. Cox's speech but I couldn't seem to pull myself together. I was completely dumbstruck.

"Could you get someone to cover for him for a few hours? Thanks - come on JD, let's go for a walk." Carla was leading me forward, somehow managing to make my legs move so I was beside her, being led to god knows where as my head began to spin. It felt like we were walking in slow motion, yet when I finally managed to pull myself together enough to see where we were, I could see the sky, parking lot and surrounding neighbourhoods - the roof? How had I not noticed walking up all of those stairs?

"Talk to me Bambi, what's going on with you and Dr. Cox?" I looked at Carla, standing beside me, eyes concerned but edged with an anger I knew wasn't directed at me. I forced a smile and shook my head. "Oh come on, you expect me to believe nothing's happened? I know you and him have your ups and downs but that's the worst I've ever seen it. Come on, talk to me."

"I don't know Carla."

She rolled her eyes.

"Sure you don't. So things just suddenly went from what is somehow considered as normal to him telling you never to go near him again? Why don't you just talk about it, it may actually make you feel -"

"Feel what? No offence Carla, but I've been trying to deal with the shit Dr. Cox heaps on me for the last four years and you expect now to be any different? I'm just going to paste on a smile, go down there and work my ass off as usual. The only difference is that I won't have him breathing down my neck every step of the way."

"And that makes you happy?" Her tone was incredulous, and I couldn't really blame her. "I _know _you Bambi and I know that no matter what you say, you _like_ the fact that Dr. Cox is always behind you, always on your back. You've spent your entire time in this hospital trying to impress him and now you're telling me you're going to be okay with him not even acknowledging that you exist?"

I leant against the ledge, burying my face in my hands and sighing in frustration. "I have no idea what I'm telling you. I don't even know how we even _got_ here. If he'd never offered me that hug, maybe none of this would've ever happened."

"None of what?"

Carla was suddenly beside me, looking at me quizzically - oh _damn_.

"Come on Bambi, none of what? What actually happened in that lounge?"

I mumbled a reply, but she wasn't having any of it. "Did he hurt you?"

This made me laugh; yes, he had hurt me, just not in the way she implying. From what I could remember he'd told everyone that he'd punched me in the face, hence the nose-bleed, so I could always play along to that. "You know he hit me."

She snorted. "And that's why there was no damaged cartilage, not even a bruise - of course he hit you." I looked at her in surprise - how had I forgotten that she'd been the one to check it out after it had happened? She smiled wryly. "No point trying to lie to me, Bambi."

I hated to admit it, but she was right. Could I tell her everything though? I felt so pathetic, so stupid to let it all get to me - what was it they were calling those kids who were always unhappy and whining about their lives? Emo?

"I'm not going to judge you, JD. You know that, right?"

I did know. "When he offered me the hug, I kind of lost it. I shoved him a few times, three times actually -"

"Never shove Dr. Cox more than twice, it _never_ goes well."

I raised an eyebrow - she pretended to zip her lips. "And even though I was sure he was going to hit me… he didn't." I took a deep breath; how would I explain what happened next without making it sound… weird? I was pretty sure there wasn't a way to do it, so I just said what came to my lips first. "He threw me up against the wall, and whilst he was ranting I went off into my own little world and… well… I…"

I motioned towards my lap - for a few moments she looked confused, trying to work out what I was implying. "You know, I got… I got an ere-"

"_No_!"

"Yes," I moaned, replaying the moment in my head. "And then he felt it, started to mock me about it and then suddenly he wasn't mocking me anymore but was whispering in my ear and offering to… to…"

I didn't need to finish; her eyes were blazing as she stepped away from me, striding towards the door so she could no doubt find him and tear him a new one - I leapt after her, grabbing her arm and turning her around so she was facing me, could see the desperation in my eyes.

"I don't think he actually would've done it, Carla, I just think he was enjoying seeing how uncomfortable I was -"

"I know _exactly_ what he was doing, JD - do you think that makes it any better? Your _Dad_ had just passed away and he was terrorizing you? I am so _angry_ right now…" she stopped, shutting her eyes and blatantly trying to pull herself together. "Dr. Cox has made things difficult for people before but _never_ like that. Never."

I shut my own eyes. "That's not all."

Suddenly her hands were grasping my arms, forcing me to open my eyes and meet her own burning gaze. "What else did he do? You have to tell me, JD, you have to tell me! He can't treat you like this, I won't let him!"

It was that, her fierce protection and her blatant desire to take care of me that made me break; I told her everything, him coming to my apartment, giving him a ride home on my scooter after work the next day, remembering him undressing me, him finding me in Mrs. Berry's room and then acting a similar performance to the day my Dad had died, bumping into him in the hospital corridor and feeling overwhelmed when I was trying to find somewhere to stay and, finally, about the phone calls. By the end of it, she was looking so shocked and inundated with information that I moved ourselves back over to the ledge and sat down, waiting. I waited for the feeling of relief to hit me for telling someone, but instead I felt a wave of fear that he might find out I had told someone - and then wondered why I was so terrified of him after what he had said the night before.

_Then again, it's not exactly like he said it was a good thing_.

"I don't understand."

When Carla finally spoke, her voice was quiet, perplexed, still filled with concern. She looked me in the eyes, as if trying to discern how I was feeling - but even I didn't know that. All I knew was that things surely couldn't get any worse.

"One minute he's mocking you and making things more painful and difficult and the next he's telling you he can't stop thinking about you… what's going on in his head?"

"If I knew that… believe me Carla, I'd tell you."

"I could still kill him," she said fiercely, reaching out and taking my hand in hers, squeezing it. "But you've just added something to the mix that doesn't sit right on my mind; he treats you so badly yet… I don't know. It reminds me of last time he -"

I leapt on this. _Last time he what?_ She saw the look on my face and bit her lip, clearly wondering whether to divulge the information she had or not - she obviously thought she'd made a mistake, letting this little piece of information go but I couldn't let her go without knowing what she meant.

"Carla -"

"There was a female intern a while back, I can't remember what her name was. It was a few years before you got here. She was a little like you, always lost in her own little world and cared a lot for what she was doing and the people she met - Dr. Cox couldn't stand her."

I looked at her, soaking up the new information.

"It got to the point where he was making her miserable, constantly berating her, treating her like she was a thousand levels below him - one day she lost a patient she'd been caring for since she'd first arrived and she was pretty heartbroken. I walked into the doctor's lounge one afternoon afterwards and he was standing right up close to her - she had tears running down her face and he was clearly not making it any better. Luckily as soon as I walked in, he stepped off and left the room."

"What did he say about it? What did _she_ say?" I was suddenly clinging onto every word, flooded with a mixture of relief that I wasn't the only one and a weird sense of envy that I wasn't the first intern he had become 'involved' with.

"He never said anything about it, but when I asked her about it she said that he'd been being the usual Perry Cox, berating her, treating her like she was a little girl, mocking her - few days later, she was gone."

"…did he ever say anything about it?"

Carla shook her head slowly, but suddenly stopped. "Not… exactly. We went out for drinks a few months later, just me and him, and when I brought it up he just said that he couldn't resist a fragile girl who was easily overpowered."

My eyes widened - she laughed and shook her head.

"Oh Bambi, not like that. You have to have noticed by now, Dr. Cox loves playing mind games. He likes to manipulate, he likes to have something over everyone - he's power-mad! Surely you've seen that in him?" I nodded. "The moment I saw you, I knew you'd be the next one. Why do you think I took such an interest in you? I knew he'd see how gentle you were, how big your heart was and how easily you'd be to play around with - and I didn't want you being his new plaything. Even though I knew he was just entertaining himself with that female intern, there was just something about the way he seemed to gravitate back towards you despite his attempts to stay away that made me want to keep that little bit closer, keep my eyes open just in case he went too far."

"Guess I'm lucky you met Turk," I said with another forced smile. Carla smiled back, but her smile was edged with sadness.

"I'm lucky I met both of you," she said softly, lacing her fingers with mine. "I love you so much, Bambi. I don't want to see you get hurt, but now… now I can see I wasn't looking hard enough."

I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat. There was that overwhelming relief; Carla somehow managed to understand. She wasn't telling me to get over it and move on - she could see just how much this was affecting me. "I don't know what to do, Carla. I want to stop thinking about it, stop thinking about _him_ but I don't know how. I don't even know _why_ he's always there, always lingering on my mind -"

"You can't help it, not when he's treating you like this. You're bound to hate him."

"But…" I struggled with my next few words. "I don't hate him. At all."

Something lit up behind her eyes, a new idea, a new piece of information. For a few moments she simply looked at me, her head tilted slightly to one side.

"Bambi…. Do you…" She stopped.

"Do I what?"

That look again, that quizzical light. Slowly she shook her head.

"Nothing. Forget I ever said anything."

I blinked. "You didn't _say_ anything! Do I what? Carla!"

She was heading back towards the door - I followed her, but she simply opened the door and turned to me. I could tell from the look on her face that she was going to stay silent on whatever she'd been thinking.

"I've got to go, JD. I can get the rest of your shift covered - go home, get some rest, pull yourself together. Forget Dr. Cox, okay?"

Forget Dr. Cox? Not likely. My expression probably said as much.

"Just go home, then." She placed a warm hand on my forearm. "Have some time to yourself for once."

With that, she made her way down the stairs, leaving me by the open door with a million and one things on my mind.

X X X X X

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

After spending hours waiting for Carla and her bald counterpart to descend upon me with pitchforks and rage, I came to the conclusion that for whatever reason I was being ignored - which suited me fine. I didn't have time for angry nurses and surgeons, my hands were full with not only _my_ patients but somehow Newbie's - it was clear that he had left, though whether that be for the day or forever I didn't know. Nor did I care.

I walked into Mrs. Berry's room, exhausted from the patient load - she took one look at me and smiled slightly.

"And there was me thinking no one could feel worse than I do right now."

_Damn it_, I cursed inwardly. _This woman has fatal cancer. Pull yourself together_. I smiled at her, picking up her chart and flipping through - no change. I wasn't surprised.

"No news is good news, right?" Her voice was weak, tired, thin - within weeks of her being admitted here she had somehow become ten times worse. I couldn't see her lasting the month, let alone the year.

"We're doing all we can for you, Mrs. Berry. The moment anything changes you'll be the first to know."

"I know, Dr. Cox. I'm very grateful." Her eyes reached over my shoulder as if searching for something - I knew what she was going to ask before it even escaped her lips. I tensed. "Where's that lovely young doctor you usually have with you? Dr… Dorian?"

"Day off," I replied shortly, knowing my tone would surprise her but not knowing how else to reply. He was not up for discussion, and I knew my attitude said as much.

"Oh. Well, that told me!" She shifted her blankets a little and turned to gaze out of the window - effectively ending our conversation. I suppressed the growl, knowing it wasn't her fault I was in such a foul mood and left the room.

I hated that the kid wasn't anywhere near me yet he was still on my mind.

_**JD POV**_

I was going mad sitting in my apartment. It was gone midnight - all I'd done all day was sit around and think, think, think… I'd changed out of my scrubs and was wearing a typically Dorian outfit - long sleeved black top underneath a short sleeved dark blue top and jeans - but it helped. For some reason, taking off my scrubs made me feel further away from the hospital, further from the man that was screwing with my mind so much I was honestly considering my options were I to leave.

Turk had sent me a text to let me know he was out with The Todd, meaning he'd probably stumble home drunk and wanting to talk about Carla - I didn't mind, he was my best buddy and I wanted to be there for him but I had so much on my mind at that moment that I didn't know if I could handle all of it at once. This left me with two options - pretend I was sleeping (and risk him coming in to wake up me up anyway) or going out. But where?

I'd made up my mind within seconds, practically jumping off of the couch and heading towards the door, shoving my sneakers on and leaving the apartment, scooter keys in hand. It wouldn't take me long to get there, especially considering the time.

All the way over there, my head was screaming at me to turn around, go back home, to forget what had happened today and move on but my senses were driving me towards whatever was going to happen in this direction, never relenting, ignoring the cold and biting wind on my skin as I sped and weaved my way through the small amounts of traffic on my journey. I had made my decision and seemed to disregard the fact that I was probably heading towards trouble, rather than away from it.

As I pulled up in front of Sacred Heart, my stomach released a thousand butterflies, all of them clamouring to escape - I shut my eyes, feeling the blood drain from my cheeks, feeling my heart start to hit hard against my chest, telling me to leave and never come back. But I'd clearly made my mind up.

I couldn't leave things the way they were.

Practically stumbling my way up the ramp to the entrance, I took a deep breath as I walked in through the doors - the front reception was almost completely empty, I couldn't remember the last time it had been this deserted. Maybe he'd already gone home. Maybe he hadn't been needed, considering how little patients were around.

_Stop trying to convince yourself to leave. Get in there and get on with it_.

I forced myself to keep walking, hands clenching and unclenching, skin still cold from outside, waiting for that fatal glimpse of the man I was looking for. I walked past nurses, doctors, surgeons, orderlies - none of them him. Where was he? Maybe he really had left. Maybe this was a stupid idea. Maybe all of my ideas were stupid - it was definitely starting to seem that way.

I ignored the rush of thoughts - _just keep walking, JD. You won't get anywhere if you turn around and walk out again, just _do_ it, trust your instincts. Worse comes to worst, Carla can kick his ass tomorrow_ -

I still hadn't found him. The cafeteria? Maybe he was in there. I was pretty sure I was wrong, it was very unlikely that I'd find him in there - far more likely that he'd be in a patients room, the doctors lounge, by the nurses station - but still I let my feet guide me there, into the dark room that was barely lit.

As I walked in, I saw him.

He was sitting with his back to me, table empty - the light from the streetlamp outside was resting on the back of his lab coat, illuminating him… not that he needed it. He was the only person in there, other than me, and he still had that presence about him. The one that drew me to him. I knew at that moment that even thought I'd spent minutes looking elsewhere, if I'd just let myself feel it I would've known he was here the whole time.

Like the night before on the phone, I found I couldn't speak.

Suddenly he stood; I froze. For three blissful seconds I was safe as he made his way out of there, away from where I stood - but then he, too, stopped in his tracks. I stopped breathing.

Dr. Cox turned, eyes meeting mine across the room. I didn't need to think about not breathing anymore - it happened naturally as he stared at me, my heart picking up despite the fact that it should surely be slowing down from lack of oxygen - I was screwed, well and truly screwed.

A soft growl escaped his throat.

"I told you, Newbie -"

That was all it took. My legs unfroze and I found myself pelting full speed away from him, towards wherever, not caring where I took myself so long as it was somewhere safe. I ran up stairs, hearing him behind me, knowing he wasn't going to give in, would chase me until he could finally - wait, what had he said?

_I don't want to see your face, hear your voice or even hear about you again. If I do, I _will _kill you._

Oh that's right, would chase me until he could _kill_ me! I kept my legs moving, wondering how much higher I could go until I was rewarded with a door, pushing it open and throwing myself out of it with such force that I was at the ledge of the roof within seconds. I took in deep, painful breaths of the cold air, feeling it stab deep down, my head rushing with the adrenaline and the oxygen - I was having trouble catching my breath, the mixture of the exercise and fear making my head spin worse than ever -

Hands closed over the top of my arms, hard; instinctively I wrenched away from them, moving in the direction of the other side of the roof, knowing it was pointless and that I'd been caught but somehow still _trying_ to get away - I stumbled, and within seconds the hands were grasped around my arms once again, harder than before, pulling me up.

Dr. Cox slammed me against the wall near the door, his cold and icy eyes burning as he stared at me, the butterflies in my stomach beginning to jump wildly - I wondered briefly if I would be sick, if that would make him let go of me… but that was hopeless. My eyes were still on his, his eyes still fixed on mine, his breathing coming in as fast and hard as mine, hands not relenting as he held me against the wall.

"I told you -"

"I know, and I'm sorry! I just… I can't leave things like this, I can't…"

His grip loosened slightly, but for some reason I didn't move. I stared into his eyes, willing him to realise that I didn't want things to be different, I wanted us to be the same as ever - I couldn't lose him as a mentor, as someone in my life, he was too important. "Please, Dr. Cox. Just… please."

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

Something was changing. I looked at him, how pale he was, the fear in his eyes, the desperation and felt something click inside of me - it was only a small click but it was a click just the same. His eyes, those blue eyes that suddenly reminded me of him standing in the doorway of his room, clutching a pillow and looking at me with so much damned need, were clinging onto my gaze - I tightened my grip again.

"There's nothing you can do, Newbie, things have changed and you _know_ it. I don't want you around anymore and that's that. Deal with it."

He shook his head, tearing his eyes from mine for a second. "No, Dr. Cox. I won't let this happen. I'm not just another 'fragile girl' who you can overpower. I'm me, I'm -"

"You're not _what_?"

I had heard him, I was almost certain of it - I recognised the words from a looooong time ago, and was now so angry at Carla I couldn't really see straight. She had no right telling him things from the past, things that were surely a _private_ matter.

"I'm n-not a fragile girl," he repeated, stammering on his words - be it from fear or cold I didn't know, but all I did know was that suddenly I couldn't stop looking at his lips, trembling and unhappy. I forced myself to glance up once, catching one last glimpse at his eyes, so vulnerable, so breakable, my words coming out in a low rumble.

"Yes, you are."

And that was when I gave way to the click.

X X X X X

_**JD POV**_

At first I wasn't sure what had happened; I was seeing stars, sure, but that usually happened to me when someone hit me or knocked me unconscious - but not when someone kissed me.

Dr. Cox's lips were crushed against mine, hands still grasping my arms like he couldn't let go - it was hurting and I knew I'd have bruises on my skin within hours of him letting go, but I couldn't focus on that. I couldn't focus on anything. My eyes were still open, and all I could see was his skin, his hair, his _closed eyes_… I was sure I was dreaming, in one of those daydreams I was always trying to pull myself out of before it got to the bad part.

I tried pulling away, moving to the side but his grip tightened even more, somehow holding me in place despite my best efforts to move; his lips were still pressed hard against mine, his body close enough to mine that I could feel the body head radiating from him onto me and for a second I felt my eyes flutter closed, the feel of him kissing me and the scent of him, the masculinity of it, the hardness of his grasp - it made me drift into the present in a more unfamiliar way. The butterflies were back, battling with each other to get out - without warning his lips began to move against mine, his breath hot, and it was that more than anything that suddenly made my hands reach out and grab his waist, pulling him closer and somehow, _somehow_ beginning to lose myself in this kiss that was _so so so so so so so_ wrong -

He pulled back, pushing himself away from me and letting go of my arms - the blood flow rushed back into them, painful, tingling, my eyes flying open.

For what felt like an age, we stared at each other, his eyes hazed over - it reminded me of the way he had looked that first day in the doctor's lounge, the day it had all started.

"I -" the word escaped my lips without being able to stop it. He shook his head, slowly backing away.

"No, Newbie… no."

With that, he was gone - through the door and away from me; with his body heat gone, the cold hit my body in a rush.

I fell to the ground and retched, the taste of horror and realisation sharp on my tongue.


	10. Normality

_**The 10**__**th**__** Chapter. Oh yes.**_

_**So, let's get on with this thing! As always, R & R - damn it, I do adore you guys for reviewing so regularly. Lots of love to you. That's right, love. And maybe some waffles.**_

**_Oh, and I'm SO sorry that I took so long to update. :-)_**

**Chapter Ten - Moments**

_**JD POV**_

"Dude, you okay? I've been talking at you for two hours now and you haven't said a word."

I felt Turk's shoulder nudge me - I nudged him back, reassuring him that my mind was on what he was saying but when it came down to it… well, I had bigger things on my mind. Things directly related to me.

I didn't realise he'd asked me a question until I felt something pass underneath my nose - absent-mindedly I replied "toe" before snapping out of it and realising he was staring at me, eyebrows raised.

"Where's the passion man? You _love_ Toe or Finger!"

I grinned, managing to pull myself out of my stupor for long enough to sit forward and rub my hands over my face, turning to look at him. "I know, sorry Choco-Bear. Got a lot on my mind at the moment."

Turk leant forward with me, placing a hand on my shoulder but keeping eye-contact to a minimum. "Carla told me what happened with you and Dr. Cox."

My stomach dived, despite knowing he meant this morning rather than two and a half hours ago. "Yeah."

"If it means anything V-Bear, he aint worth even a minute of your time. I've always said to Carla, 'the man's an asshole, I don't know why JD spends so much time trying to get his approval' - you deserve better. I mean that."

"I know you do. Thanks, C-Bear," I replied, pulling away from his hand, itching to go to bed so I could be alone with my thoughts. I felt bad, being so self-involved, but right now I honestly couldn't take another moment of someone else's emotions without mine making me self-implode - I stood, stretching and yawning meaningfully. He took the hint, looking at his watch.

"Damn, I gotta have breakfast with Carla in 8 hours!" He leapt up, putting his arms out to catch his balance (he was more than a little drunk), stumbling his way into his room. "See ya dude!"

"Later," I called back, looking around at the half-lit room before switching off the lamp and heading towards my own bedroom, determined to get some sleep, but knowing it was probably a fools hope. I pushed the door open, stripping down, opening the drawers and pulling out a pair of old sweat-pants and pulling them on. I let myself fall onto the bed, not bothering with the essential teeth-cleaning and hair-gel-ridding; I knew it was unlikely that I'd sleep. Vaguely my mind tried to encourage me to call Dr. Cox again, but I quickly vetoed that - things had gone far enough. I didn't need to push it anymore, especially after… what had happened.

I shut my eyes, arms spread out across the span of my bed; all I could see in the darkness was him suddenly coming towards me, that exact moment he tilted his head ever so slightly to the left - I should've seen it coming, should've thrown myself out of the way at whatever cost -

_But do I really regret it? Do I really wish it hadn't happened?_

Questioning my feelings was starting to scare me; first of all, I shouldn't even _need_ to question it - I had never been attracted to a guy before in my _life_ and the thought that I sort-of-almost-liked the kiss towards the end was disturbing enough; secondly, it was Dr. Cox, someone I had seen as a mentor, a father-figure - not someone I could be attracted to. Thirdly… well, thirdly it scared me because every time I replayed the kiss in my head I found myself shutting my eyes and holding onto the memory rather than pushing it back to be one of the many repressed.

I decided I had to make a choice, so instinctively I decided to hold off and see what would happen. It could go so many different ways that there really wasn't any point thinking too much about how I felt because chances are whatever I decided, things would go in the totally opposite direction and I'd end up stuck in the same miserable place I'd been those last few weeks.

My phone suddenly vibrated on the beside table, the light hurting my eyes as I reached over for it. '3 New Messages'? Probably Carla, checking up on me, Elliot asking why I wasn't out for drinks earlier and Turk from earlier on in the evening. I flicked through:

_Mole-Butt (23:22) Where r u? Got an Appletini with ur name on it when u get here._

_Carla T (00:57) Take care of yourself, Bambi. Let me know how you are. C. x_

The next message made me stop dead - okay, so I should've been expecting it but I honest to _god_ was part-horrified and part-excited when I saw who it was.

_The Big C (01:45) Back to normal tomorrow._

Normal? Well, that was good for me but at the same time I couldn't help but acknowledge the tiny nodule of disappointment that had latched itself onto my mind; I hesitated, but found that my thumbs were typing a reply without my permission.

_Pretend that nothing's happened? Just like the last few weeks, right?_ _- JD_

I didn't expect a reply - his message had been sent at least 45 minutes ago and he had probably crawled into bed in a desperate attempt to escape the memory as much as I had…

'VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV.'

The sound of my phone vibrating made me jump; I felt the butterflies start again, and I cursed them for betraying things I was trying to ignore I clicked open the message, the light still hurting my eyes.

_The Big C (02:39) You sure as hell won't get anywhere bringing any of that up. If you have a point to make, I recommend you make it soon as 'txt'ing is hardly my favourite activity._

I couldn't help but grin. I knew he was probably pissed off at me for even bringing up the weirdness but I couldn't stop myself.

_No particular point. I'm just confused by some stuff, that's all. - JD_

_The Big C (02:47) You ARE a woman and no, I don't think you're quite ready for that training bra just yet._

Damn it! Things that would have once frustrated me were now making me smile so hard I was almost sure my face would break; if we had been in the hospital it would've been exactly as normal with comments like that… but what made it even more grin-worthy was that he was texting me. At quarter to three in the morning.

God, I had to pull myself together.

_Ha. Ha. That's sarcastic, btw. Besides, I thought I was a 'fragile girl' not a woman. Or have you changed your tune about that too? - JD_

I waited. Minutes passed until suddenly my eyes were threatening to droop - nothing quite like waiting for a reply to a text message to send you to sleep - I tried ignoring it, but soon a whole half an hour had passed and he still hadn't replied. I picked up my phone to put it back on the beside table, but just as I did that a message popped up.

_The Big C (03:19) Don't push it, Newbie. Can't you just glorify in my having your cell number and offering that things get back to normal like you wanted?_

I bit my lip.

_You can't blame me for wanting answers. - JD_

_The Big C {03:27) You can't blame me for not knowing how in gods holy-ass name I should answer them._

_Are you pissed at me? - JD_

His reply was the fastest yet - I felt my stomach jump in expectancy.

_The Big C (03:29) Why in the hell would I be pissed at you? Grow a pair, Sally. Now's not the time to be scared of me, you understand?_

I didn't. At all.

_No, not really. U seemed pissed at me on the roof. I know I wasn't meant to look 4 u and I'm sorry, but I dnt know what else u expected me to do. - JD_

I was starting to get sloppy with my replies, reverting to abbreviations I hated, but I was so jittery with anticipation that I could barely keep my thumbs on the keys - the shorter, the better.

_The Big C (03:35) Well you sure found out why you should always exactly follow my orders, didn't you? As long as you learned a lesson there Newbie I can't see any real reason for me to be angry at you. I know you didn't intentionally set out to piss me off and to be honest I'm too tired to yell at you for something pointless._

It was the longest text he had sent, and it sent shivers down my spine - it was hard to read the rest of the message after reading the first sentence; he was referring to the kiss and I knew it. I had no idea what to say back - no idea at all. I had never seen Dr. Cox show gay tendencies before - in fact, he was one of the straightest men I'd ever met - and if I were to ask about it or even joke about it he might crush me (not my lips, not my lips, not my lips - damn it, get it together Dorian!).

Plus, you know. I wasn't gay. Or attracted to him. At all.

_At least I know what my punishment will be from now on if I do the opposite of what u tell me 2 do, right? Maybe u should get some sleep if ur so tired._

_The Big C (03:46) When I said grow a pair I didn't mean for them to be homosexual. Pull yourself together. I'll sleep when I'm ready, but I suggest you take your own advice - I'll need you on the ball tomorrow._

Even seeing the words 'I'll need you' made me close my eyes to savour the moment; again I yelled inwardly at myself for being such a girl (_"I'm n-not a fragile girl." - "Yes, you are."_) and flipped the covers over myself in preparation for actually taking his advice to take my own advice (too tired, too much repetition) and, suddenly exhausted, I slowly typed a text in reply.

_Thanks, Dr. Cox. I'll be ready for whatever you throw at me, I promise. Goodnight._

_The Big C (03:50) We'll see, Sharon._

Try as I might, I couldn't keep my eyes open… and try as I might, I couldn't stop my last thought being of him.

X X X X X

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

The moment I pulled up at the hospital the next day, I saw Newbie's scooter already parked - I rolled my eyes in frustration, feeling the usual sense of annoyance seeping through my veins. It was, however, a strange relief in comparison to the more recent indifference.

I walked in through the doors, instantly greeted with a "You're late" from Kelso, followed by the usual "Blow it out your ass, Bob"- yes, if all went as planned today wouldn't be any different from any other day. At least, no different to the days before Newbie's father had died. I picked up blood work I'd been waiting on, swung by the nurses station to take a look at the charts that appeared as if by magic over night before deciding to have a cup of joe prior to checking in on Mrs. Berry. I strode towards my destination, not really paying attention until my way was suddenly blocked by a brown and green blur - I glanced up.

"Ghandi! To what do I owe this _non_-pleasure?"

He folded his arms, his face set in pure seriousness - it reminded me that this time yesterday Newbie was banned from talking to me and that as far as everyone was concerned this was still the current situation.

"I don't know what you think you're doing treating JD like this, but just so you know, it won't sit well with me."

I grinned. "Gee, I know you love your other half but shouldn't she fight some of her own battles once in a while? Besides, and I mean no offence here, but it's not really any of your business, is it?"

He straightened up, matching my height. "When you mess with my best friend it becomes my problem, you understand? I'm not joking around, Dr. Cox, I'm being _so_ serious. I don't know what's going on between you two, and don't think I haven't noticed the change in the two of you these last few weeks, but whatever it is I suggest you sort it out, if not for you then for JD."

"Have you mistaken me for someone who cares?" I was just pushing him - how was he to know that I intended to get back to normal with Newbie today? Still, I was having fun and I would make the most of it. "He can do whatever the hell he wants to do and I would _suggest_ that you do the same. So long as it doesn't involve sticking that over-sized nose in _my_ business."

He rolled his eyes and shrugged. "Fine. But at least I tried. See, that's what you do when you care about someone. You _try_. I'll bet that you can't remember the last time you actually gave a damn about someone enough to try."

No matter what I would keep that grin on my face - but it didn't help the fact that both Newbie and Jordan's faces had popped up in my head.

_Damn_.

"Whatever." I brushed past him, ignoring the death-stare of Carla who stood metres behind him (clearly having watched our every word) and walked right out of there again - and straight into Newbie.

"Oh, hey Dr. Cox!" His voice practically _leaked_ with warmth, and his eyes, once I'd found the patience to look at him, were shining with what I can only describe as unadulterated hope - it made my stomach churn just to look at it. But I would bear with it. I had promised him that much.

"No time for chit-chat Yolanda." I threw a chart at him and motioned that he join me as we headed into another room, faced with a teenage girl who was looking predictably sullen, tired and scared - definitely a patient for Newbie and his ridiculous capacity for sensitivity. He glanced at the chart and then back at the girl.

"Hi Katie, I'm Dr. Dorian. You passed out at school?"

"Yeah," she replied, shrugging. Her tossed her long blonde hair over her shoulder and looked from me to him inquisitively. "Is there a reason I need two doctors? Do you think I'm really sick?"

I raised an eyebrow at Newbie, who now seemed to be confused. I could practically see the cogs whirring in his head - why _did_ we always work together? He looked at me nervously, blatantly needing help, so I folded my arms and stared at the girl with my coldest gaze - he might be full of compassion but that just wasn't me. "How about you stick to answering the questions rather than asking them? Unless of course you _want_ us to incorrectly diagnose you and _accidentally_ give you the wrong medication that could end up killing you?"

She went pale; I almost grinned, but out of the corner of my eye I couldn't fail to notice Newbie's glance in my direction, clearly not appreciating my direction - for once I controlled myself, letting him take the patient back into his own hands.

"Have you been experiencing any stress recently? Exams, personal problems that might have led to you passing out?"

"Not really," she replied, chewing her lip. "I mean, I just broke up with my boyfriend but he was an asshole anyway. Sorry," she hastened to add, looking at me. "Bad language and all that."

I remained indifferent as Newbie continued his questions. "Any nausea? Fatigue?"

"Well I guess I've been pretty tired recently and a couple of times I've felt kinda sick but I just put it all down to dealing with a break-up, y'know?" She bit her lip again. It was odd… Newbie did it all the time and I found it almost endearing, yet when she did it the action seemed to grate on my nerves.

Not to mention it was clear what was going on here, and she knew it.

"Katie, this next question might make you feel a little uncomfortable but it's important that I know - are you sexually active?"

She blinked. "I… no."

_Liar._

"Perhaps I should reiterate that _wrong diagnosis_ point - you know, the medication, the _death -_" her face went pale again. I grinned. "Now how about you tell us the truth this time around? Are you, or have you been sexually active?"

Closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the pillow, she nodded. "Once."

This I could believe; the resignation on her face as to what was wrong with her was clear - she'd made one mistake and it had led to her being in here. I had no doubt that she'd been looking up her own symptoms and that the first answer had scared her so much she'd decided to ignore it - unfortunately, that was no longer an option for her.

"Could you tell me when your last period was, Katie?" Newbie's voice was gentle, a stark contrast to my harsh tone but this, this right here was why we worked together - he was the good cop, I was the bad cop. It worked for us. To be honest, I'd become so used to having him in on my patients and vice-versa that I'd never stopped to think that we were the only doctors that really did that sort of thing. I felt the frustration well up in me again - apparently I _liked_ making things complicated.

"I don't remember, I don't really keep track."

He nodded, flipping the chart back down.

"Okay, well what we're going to do is ask you to do a urine sample for us, and I'll send a nurse along to take a blood sample."

"What do you think's wrong with me?" she said, suddenly reaching out and grabbing Newbie by the hand - the fear in her voice was palpable. Nothing quite like a young girl who knows she's about to get the scariest news of her life so far.

"Let's get these samples sorted first, okay?" he said, squeezing her hand lightly before gently slipping his grasp away. "Dr. Cox and I will be back later. Try and get some rest."

I led the way out of the room before allowing my eyes to flick to his face.

"Not exactly the most difficult diagnosis we've ever had."

He nodded, eyes slightly troubled. "She's sixteen…" He didn't need to finish his sentence. I shrugged - it was all run of the mill to me.

"Shit happens Newbie - don't let it get to you. Kids are having sex earlier and earlier, it's just the way things go."

"Yeah, but sixteen? I didn't have sex 'til I was 19 -"

He suddenly stopped, flushing bright red. I looked away, giving him a moment to pull himself together - this definitely wasn't normal conversation for us. I considered making a girl joke, make it feel slightly more comfortable but found I couldn't pull anything from my mind that would actually make us feel less awkward; no matter how hard I tried to, I couldn't forget that me calling him a girl practically led to the night before - something that would _not_ be performed again.

"Get it together Lillian, this is no time to discuss your virginity or lack thereof - onto the next."

X X X X X

_**JD POV**_

The day flew by - just working beside Dr. Cox like normal somehow made the day so much more bearable. It hadn't felt this easy since before Dad died, and I found myself with a smile on my face at random intervals - I knew I looked stupid but there wasn't really anything I could do about it. Dr. Cox was being an asshole, as ever; girls names, 'Newbie', insulting my abilities as a doctor - it was like nothing had ever changed.

And that was a good thing.

Well. Sort of.

Carla had been exchanging 'looks' with me all day and it was driving me insane; I know she didn't know what happened, but she knew enough that this sudden change of heart in Dr. Cox was more or less a miracle. I certainly felt that way. When it came down to it, it was clear that whatever stupid thing happened last night and for whatever reason, he didn't want to pursue it. But then… surely, being Dr. Cox, he'd just blank me and ignore me until he felt comfortable again?

Was it possible that Dr. Cox had feelings for me?

"That's just crazy," I said quietly to myself, paying for my very, very late lunch and sitting down in the practically deserted cafeteria. He'd never shown any sort of attraction to me before, and even when he'd been tormenting me there hadn't been any sign of his peep saluting me or desire in his eyes. Now that Carla had brought up the topic, I was starting to wonder if it really was all just him getting kicks out of messing with my head - so was the kiss another mind-messer? It sure as hell didn't seem like it at the time… plus why would you _kiss_ someone you're supposed to be tormenting?

Unless, of course, he realised just how much it would be on my mind and how crazy that would drive me.

"Stupid voices," I muttered, taking a bite of my BLT sandwich. A shadow fell across me.

"Talking to yourself, sport?" Dr. Kelso's voice was loud in my ear despite him being above me - damn him and his Chief of Medicine volume. "First sign of gayness you know."

"First sign of what?!" I swallowed my sandwich too soon and found myself choking - it subsided after a few moments as he looked at me with quizzical eyebrows.

"Madness, sport, madness! Selective hearing, even worse. Have you thought about seeing a shrink? We don't want to have a crazy doctor walking the halls, do we?" He suddenly erupted in those chuckles that seemed friendly and fatherly but would more than likely turn sour - I joined in the laughter regardless until he cut off short, glaring down at me. "I'm serious Dr. Dorian. Any patient could walk in and see you talking to yourself and who'd get the hassle for it?"

"Everyone talks to themselves, sir," I mumbled.

"Me, that's who," he continued, acting as if he hadn't hear me. "So get a grip, Dorian! Oh, and do me a favour," Dr. Kelso leant down to my level. "If you're going to follow Perry around with puppy-dog eyes, at least do it in your own time. I have enough awkward homosexual eye-contact at home."

_Damn sandwich!_ I thought to myself, gasping as another chunk found its way down my oesophagus. _And why isn't he helping me?!_ I continued to choke for a few minutes, wondering why, in a place full of doctors, no one was coming to aid me in my time of need. Dr. Kelso stood, eyebrows-a-raised, watching me for a few minutes before muttering his standard 'jackass' and shuffling off to terrorise whichever doctor he would come across next. I whacked my chest hard, bringing up a piece of sandwich that I could not attempt to swallow again, signalling that lunch was well and truly over. Great.

Was I really looking at Dr. Cox with puppy-dog eyes? Elliot had once teased me for following him around with a dog-like devotion but was it actually true? Was I… acting like his bitch?

"He'll never go for you anyway," came a deep, horrifying voice from above my head. "He goes for strong women, and you… well, you're a disappointment."

To my horror, the Janitor sat himself opposite me and leaned forward. "Now I can't promise anything, but if you wanted I could _train_ you. You know, obstacle course, personality switch-over, throwing you out to the wolves -" He never ceased to amaze me just how _crazy_ he was. "I can help you, buddy. You just say the word."

"As much as I appreciate what I assume is another attempt at making my life difficult, I'm going to have to pass," I said, pushing my chair back and looking down at him. He frowned. "Now I know what you're thinking, but I'm not turning you down because you hate me and secretly want to kill me and steal my belongings from my locker. I _don't_ want to 'get' with Dr. Cox and I certainly don't need to take advice from you."

"Why?" he demanded, standing too. Damn, he was tall. "Just because I'm a lowly janitor means I don't have a girlfriend? That I don't know what it's like to be loved? That's it -" he threw his mop (did he bring it with him into the cafeteria?!) onto the table in front of us and shook his head. "I give up with you. I try and reach out to you and you just throw it back in my face. We're done."

I blinked. Could he possibly mean –

"No, just here," he added, reading my thoughts as usual. "We're done for today. But tomorrow? I'm coming after you."

I shut my eyes as he walked away, whistling 'Land of Hope and Glory' quietly to himself (he really was insane) and took in a few deep breaths. Now all I needed was Dr. Cox to appear and tell me the 'normal' policy was off and my day have gone from good to bad in less than –

"NEWBIE!"

My eyes flew open in fright, my legs jolting so suddenly that I had no choice but to stand up; the chair flew out behind me as I stood, only mildly distracting as I realised that I was now within inches of Dr. Cox. I could smell his clean labcoat (washed again, yum), hear the gentle growl already growing in the back of this throat, feel… feel the warmth of him –

"Could ya tell me why I've found you sleeping in here rather than scurrying around after your patients, Belinda? When I ask you to do something, I expect it to be done."

I gulped. "I was going to look up Katie's bloodwork but I skipped lunch to see that cancer patient with you so I was just -"

His piercing whistle shot through my ears, ceasing my speech; his icy eyes stared down at mine, cold and dangerous as ever – it sent shivers down my spine. Hastily I assured myself that they were tremours of fear, nothing more… awkward.

"H-y-ere's the deal: you can have five extra minutes for lunch now if you stay an extra hour at the end of the day. I could do with the extra hands."

_WHY AM I BLUSHING AT THAT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!_

I tried stammering a reply, but couldn't seem to get my words out properly. I had no idea how he was doing it, but suddenly whenever he spoke he left me struggling for words that were even a little comprehensible.

He looked at me with a mixture of pity, disgust and amusement. "It's paid work, if that's what you're worried about."

I forced myself to shrug and act nonchalant. "Yeah, sure, whatever you want. I like being in the hospital in the evenings anyway, it's so quiet."

Instinctively I ignored the daydream that I knew was coming – something to do, no doubt, with me and him alone in the 'quiet' hospital. Images of our rooftop 'meeting' crashed into my mind as I tried to focus on keeping my eyes straight on his, not wanting to betray for a moment of the kind of things that were currently running through my mind.

He gave a quick, curt nod, apparently oblivious to the conflicts in my head.

"Be at the doctors lounge at nine. If you're late, I'll take it that you won't be joining me."

I nodded. He turned to leave, before turning back sharply.

"Oh, and Newbie? Don't be late. You out of all people know that I don't hand out invitations to spend extra _paid_ time with me like a mother would candy. You understand me?"

"Yes sir," I squeaked. That curt nod again before leaving me to my thoughts – and oh god, there were a lot of them.

_ARRRRGH!!_


	11. Tripping

_**Hope you guys are enjoying My Unexpected Bad Habit so far! I've decided to plough on with the next chapter, as you all waited so darned long for the last one. I hope you enjoy reading this chapter - I'm going to enjoy writing it!**_

**Chapter Eleven - Tripping**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

I wasn't surprised to find Newbie waiting for me in the doctors lounge; I hated using his fear of me against him (oh, who am I kidding, I love it) but ever since those text messages I sent him I felt he needed reminding that I was still above him and wasn't his 'friend'. Far from it.

In the back of my mind there was a little voice (sounding suspiciously like his) telling me to clear up the whole mess of what had happened on the roof, but I can't deny it - I was in denial. As far as I was concerned, it was something that would be pushed into the box in the back of my mind like so many of my childhood memories, labelled under the heading 'Things To Never, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever talk about or think about again - EVER'. Let me tell you: that box rarely got re-opened. This would be one of those times where it simply would _nawt _be spoken of again.

I strode into the room and slammed a bunch of paperwork onto the table beside him.

"A random selection of patient histories from 1999 - 2004. Our resident Beelze-Bob wants them put in order of the severity of each case - you get the picture, patients who walked out of here within minutes at the front, deaths at the back. All the other stuff in the middle."

Newbie looked up at me, looking slightly put out. I sighed. "What, Maggie, too hard for you?"

He shook his head. "No, I just… I thought we'd be working with patients or something. Not doing administration work."

I rolled my eyes, frustrated as ever by the mere sound of his voice. "Apparently the local newspaper wants to do a page-long article about the hospital in the last five years - god knows why, we don't want to send all of our patients running - and so old Bobbo is desperately looking for a positive spin on it."

"So…" he thought for a moment. "He wants us to try and prove that patient deaths have decreased or something? That we're getting better?"

"Seems like it."

"I can do that," he said, clapping his hands on his knees as if he meant business. I rolled my eyes again - don't get me wrong here, I like enthusiasm, but coming off of him it annoyed me. Still, the kid was prepared to stay hours (I may have lied about the 'hour' thing… and I sure as hell wasn't going to tell him he was only getting paid for one hour of it) to do boring paperwork, so I would try to be… pleasant. Or at least, not unpleasant.

I sat at one end of the table, he at the other. I took half of the pile.

"Separate all of yours into groups of five, ranging from the severity of the patients condition and outcome," I instructed, flipping through the pages and feeling pretty bored already. "We'll collaborate at the end."

"Right-o." He picked up the first history and began to rove over it with his eyes. I watched him for a few moments, noticing the lines under his eyes from lack of sleep (or stress, couldn't tell which) and how pale he looked. I ignored the slight pang of concern and set to work on my own pile. God I hated Bob… he could have asked anyone to do this - hell, it wasn't the most taxing job in the world. I'd rather attempt life-saving surgery than have to rifle through histories.

For the first hour, we sat in silence, building up our separate piles, almost like a wall between us - as soon as the clock ticked over to 10pm, he looked up.

"Uhhh… Dr. Cox?"

"Whaaat is it Newbie?"

"Can I leave now?"

I glanced up at the papers that had accumulated around him.

"You don't look finished."

He blinked, his eyes confused. "I'm not."

"Then you can't leave yet."

"But…" he hesitated, blatantly weighing up the pros and cons of speaking his mind. I couldn't help but suppress a grin as I saw he was about to make the wrong move. "You said I only had to stay for an hour -"

"If a patient was coding but your shift had finished, would you just leave him?"

"…no…"

"Well then. Shut up and get on with it."

"I -"

"Yes?" I looked at him. He looked at me. For a few moments I was sure he was going to carry on with his whining, but instead he just shrugged.

"Nothing."

"You won't get paid for the remaining hours," I warned him as he started reading a new history. He shrugged again, though his face tightened slightly.

"That's fine. I've got nothing to do tonight anyway." I didn't miss the slightly bitter tone in his voice, and found myself half-pleased that he had no social life and half-annoyed.

We carried on for the next few hours, Newbie occasionally interjecting with random comments about the patients - couple of times I almost replied, but managed to simply contain it and offer a grunt as a reply instead. He seemed to get the picture, quietening and sighing, as if it were some great hardship to have such a lack of respect from me. What did he expect?

Eventually I finished mine, and impatiently waited for him to finish his - finally, he slapped the last one down on the first pile and said a tired, "Finished!"

I nodded briskly. "Right. Now let's put ours together."

He blanched. "You mean… stay longer?"

"Yup, that's what I mean."

Slowly he began to shake his head, a disbelieving smile appearing on his face. "I can't stay, Dr. Cox, I -"

"- have no social life whatsoever and therefore are just being a pathetic excuse for a doctor?" I knew it was harsh, but I didn't care. I'd asked him to work with me and he would damn well finish the job.

He stood. I admit, I was slightly surprised. "I need sleep. My shift starts at six tomorrow and no offence, but keeping people alive is a lot more important to me than staying here and doing your job for you." His eyes met mine, wary but fixed. I stood too, my voice coming out as a growl I had come to associate with him.

"Sit down, Newbie."

"No."

"I said _SIT._"

He sat.

"You'll stay as long as I damn well tell you to. This isn't school or college or medical school - this is _your_ job, and when your boss tells you stay late and work, you stay late and work. You got it?"

Silence.

"Newbie, god damn it, you got it?"

He nodded stiffly. I walked around the table and sat to his left, moving my papers round so they sat opposite his, not bothering to look at him. He had really pissed me off. Since when had he adopted an attitude?

Silently we set back to work, collaborating our papers together - more than once I had to correct his placements, chastising him until finally he slammed his hands down on the table.

"I'm tired, okay? It'd be better for the both of us if I just left."

"You're going to stay and shut up. It's only a few mistakes, stop whining."

"But it's not just a few mistakes, is it? If you're so sick of me 'whining', you should've chosen someone else to do this with you." There was a bitterness to his tone and a frustration to his eyes that I rarely heard or saw. I raised an eyebrow.

"I chose you because you're my lapdog, Newbie, not because I wanted to hear you go on and on all night -"

"_WHY_ am I your lapdog?" he said, his voice raised. "_Why_ do you let me tag around with you all day? Why do we see patients together? Why can't you just tell me to leave you alone?"

I stood, towering over him - he had pushed me too close to the edge, _again_. "I already tried that though, didn't I? You didn't like it last time, what makes you think you can handle it this time?"

He balled his fists up - not as an action of violence, but to simply stem his frustration at me. I felt that old familiar sense of power building up behind my quietly authoritative tone.

"Because _this_ time I won't come running after you so you can play more of your stupid mind games on the 'fragile little girl' that I am -"

"- NEWBIE."

He was all too close to the subject I refused to acknowledge. I knew if he carried on, he'd -

"What, are you going to kiss me again?"

His voice was taunting, upset and aggravated at the same time - it grated on me. Much as it had the first time we had been in here and things had become out of hand. The word 'kiss' scraped over my mind like a blunt knife, hazing my vision slightly - okay, _now_ I was angry.

"Get out."

He stood.

"No. I deserve a damned explanation. You think that sending me a few text messages is going to solve everything? Do you honestly think, that after the way you've been recently, that acting like normal is just going to make it all go away?" His eyes blazed as he looked at me. "It's not, Dr. Cox, and I want you to explain it to me. This second."

I shut my eyes, slowly counting to six before I gave up.

"I'm warning you, Newbie, you need to get out. Now."

"Why?" That taunting tone again. "Scared you'll throw me up against a wall and whisper in my ear again? Scared that maybe you'll get so angry that, for whatever reason, you'll kiss me? Touch me? Rape me?"

_Stupid. Newbie. Very. Stupid Newbie._

As my eyes opened again, full of rage and hate and loathing, he seemed to realise he'd gone too far. He swallowed hard, backing away and almost falling over his chair. His mouth worked over words that he blatantly wanted to utter, but failed. I took a step towards him, my own hands balling into fists for very different reasons - this _was_ violent. Gone was the want to overpower him, tease him, make him feel vulnerable and helpless - gone was all of it.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I didn't… I just… you keep -"

"_Quiet._"

"No but I need to apologise, I got -"

"_SHUT THE _FUCK_ UP, JD!"_

He shut his mouth, his terror palpable.

"Don't you _dare_ go throwing a word like that around. You don't know. You don't understand. You don't get to say that word like it means nothing, like you know what it means, like it…" I stopped, trying to control myself. I was so close to beating him to the floor. "What happened on that rooftop -" _damn him, only _he_ would be able to open that goddamned box_, "was a mistake. It wasn't meant to happen. It won't happen again. None of what happened… none of it… will happen again."

When he spoke, his voice was shaking. "A mistake? How was it…"

"I tripped."

He blinked. I blinked back at him. I sure didn't mean to say that, but as soon as I did, the tension in the room seemed to fall away. Even as the kid began to grin, merging into laughter, even as I found myself half-smiling at my ridiculous answer, I could feel the tension slipping away like dust. For minutes, we both stood, metres apart, grinning and laughing - he kept stammering between laughter "you tripped?!", making me laugh more, making the reality of the situation slip away with the tension.

Slowly the laughter died down, bringing back the unwelcome silence. He found my eyes again, despite my wanting to stop him from doing so, his gaze full of questions and confusion. Clearly he didn't believe me - and why should he? I didn't even _mean_ to say it, let alone have him believe me. I shook my head, running my hand over my face.

"It's not -"

"I know you wouldn't hurt me. Intentionally." His voice was thin, child-like, vulnerable - just like I'd once wanted him to be. I wasn't sure I believed him.

"Yes I would," I said quietly, making sure that he saw the truth of it in my eyes, hearing the truth of it though my lips. "I would hurt you Newbie. And it's for that reason and that reason alone that I tried to separate you from me yesterday."

He frowned, still confused. I sighed.

"I can't explain it properly, kid, but all you need to know is that I'm _not_ your friend. I'm not looking out for your best interests. I won't pretend to either."

He began to nod, but then started shaking his head.

"So why do you always give me advice? Why do you help me?"

"I help you to become a better doctor, not a better person."

His hands clutched as his scrubs.

"But… to me, they're intertwined."

I relaxed my fists. "Then you need to work at separating the two. Otherwise you'll just make yourself miserable. You can't have me as your boss and your friend at the same time, it just doesn't work like that."

"Why can't it?" His voice was still pathetic, still weak, still full of child-like innocence. It was starting to annoy me, more for the fact of how it was _really_ making me feel.

"It's just who I am. I can't… I can't care about you as a doctor and as a friend, because that's twice the amount of caring -" I sighed, irritated at myself for not being able to describe it properly. "I don't look at you that way. I look at you as the kid who works beneath me and whose screw-ups I need to fix."

_Really?_

There it was again, that voice that sounded like Newbie's in the back of my mind - I shunned it, determined not to listen to it.

"So what screw-up were you fixing last night?" His voice trembled - I looked at him again, seeing his body rigid, his eyes wide, leaning back slightly as if to avoid the reality of his question. I understood; I wanted to do the same.

"Newbie…"

"Please," he whispered, his eyes shimmering unnervingly. "Please, tell me. _Help_ me. Help me understand."

I laughed, but it was all wrong. "I can't when I don't even understand."

Our eyes met again - the look in them was all too familiar from last night, and all at once I was pulled back into the memory, that 'click' that I had been forced not to ignore, the 'click' that I could feel coming again.

_Don't you dare surrender to it again. He is a doctor, that's all. He's just another doctor. Another annoying fly on your windscreen that you need to wipe away_.

Slowly, hesitantly, I watched as he shuffled slightly closer, his eyes fixed on mine. I fought the urge to step back - it would be a show of weakness. He kept moving forward, closer and closer until I could smell that stupid lavender shampoo, that masculine scent hidden behind it. I could hear the hitch in his breathing, see how dark his eyelashes really were, the dark circles under his eyes clearer than any other time before. Finally, I saw the delicate veins in his eyes, the strands of colour in his irises, the unmistakable glow of another 'mistake' in him.

His pupils dilated.

_Get out of the way. Now._

"Newbie."

It was meant to be a whisper of warning, something to make him back away, but instead he closed the distance, his very soft, very warm lips very lightly brushing against mine - I could feel the shaking of his body from it, the nerves in his lips beating against mine, the stunted breathing - my eyes stayed open, as did his. He was watching me, looking at me for my reaction, fear and submission in them so strong that it sent a shudder down my spine; he didn't move, left his lips where they were -_inviting me to make a move_.

Very, very slowly, I moved forward so that his lips were properly on mine, fitting over them, familiar like my Red Wings jersey on a cold day. Gradually his eyelids fluttered shut, the little veins on the delicate skin oh-so-clear from where I was standing - this tiny vulnerability made me realise just what was going on, made me realise that I had _let_ him do this - almost as if reading my mind, he pulled back, his face still close to mine, his eyes flying open and fixing on mine.

"What was that?" I whispered harshly, trying to ignore the overwhelming feelings in my stomach and lower, trying to ignore that once again, things were changing - when I really didn't want them to. I didn't need this.

He looked at me, vulnerability radiating from him as he said the simple words,

"I tripped."


	12. Naughty Girl

_Hey guys! A massive thank you to the wonderfully avid readers and reviewers for My Unexpected Bad Habit so far; keep it coming! SO MUCH LOVE TO YOU!!_

_Errr, I feel I should illicit a warning: this next chapter contains almost unbearable HAWTness. I got extremely hot under the collar simply from writing this chapter... I've literally just finished it and I'm going to re-read it again in a minute... _ God I would love to see this in an episode..._

_I expect MASS reviews for this, by the way! :-P_

_As I always say, onto the next! Enjoy._

**Chapter Twelve - Naughty Girl**

_**JD POV**_

"I tripped."

_Zoom zoom zoom!_ I was tempted to do the hand-movement along with it, but somehow managed to withhold from doing so - now was _not_ the time. Dr. Cox was looking at me with a very strange look in his eyes, one I'd never seen before, and I was hoping against hope that he'd accept what I said and not hit me -

Very slowly, he lifted his hands up - I tried not to flinch - and very carefully placed them either side of my head, palms on my skin, fingers on… in… my hair. I didn't know if it was supposed to be intimate or of it was just a way of keeping his own head together, but it _felt_ intimate. Intimate in a way that made my stomach do gymnastics I had once been capable of doing myself. I swallowed hard as his eyes, unforgiving but somehow soft, bore into mine. His head was at a distance that made me aware that he wasn't going to kiss me, which was somewhat of a relief - and a slight disappointment, it would have at least reassured me that he wasn't about to head butt me - but that left me wondering what he was doing. He was putting a fair amount of pressure onto me, physically AND emotionally it seemed, and the fleeting worry that he was going to try and crush my skull entered my head at an alarming speed. I tried, again, not to flinch.

He finally spoke.

"Newbie… you are driving me insane."

My mouth opened slightly, not dissimilar to a fish.

"This can't happen. I don't have those feelings for you. I don't kiss men, I don't kiss _anybody_ whilst I'm with Jordan, and I certainly don't kiss people who have to follow my orders day in day out."

I thought briefly about making a joke about Jordan being a dominatrix, but for my own safety, I pressed my lips together. His eyes drifted to them for a moment, the movement distracting him for a moment, before he grinned and shook his head slowly from side to side, as if he couldn't quite believe something. I stayed silent. I was too busy replaying what he had said, going over the 'I don't have those feelings for you' part. I didn't have those feelings for _him_. Did I? I suddenly had an awful feeling that I was being incredibly ignorant, as I always did when it was staring me right in the face.

"I've enjoyed the new tension recently, kid, I have… I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I am, as you are blatantly aware - particularly after Carla informed you of some things from my past that I'd rather she hadn't - never one to say no to a power game or two. You, being feminine, pathetic and emotional were perfect for the part - it just so happened that you _are_ male, and that does add a few… complications to the mix. I didn't really think it through - though it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work that one out."

I allowed myself to speak. "So I was right? This is just… just Cat and Mouse to you?"

He shrugged, as if he didn't really care either way - but I couldn't help but notice his hands were still holding my head there, still on my skin and in my hair. My stomach did gymnastics again. Yep, that ignorance theory was starting to look pretty damned accurate.

"This can't keep happening, Newbie. You know that."

"But… I didn't mean to -"

He snorted. "You didn't trip, so don't even try it."

I shook my head, his hands moving with it - I tried to ignore the way that his skin slightly brushed on mine.

"I know I didn't, I meant to kiss you, but -"

His eyes instantly changed; they went dark, hazy, almost challenging - I swallowed hard again. What had I done wrong? Was he mad at me again?

"Why?"

I blinked. "P-pardon?"

"Why did you… kiss me?" He didn't sound as if he were asking such a question; his tone sounded more like he were asking the time or what the score to some sort of sports match was, casual, not-too-curious - how was he so calm?! When I had asked him essentially the same question, my voice had trembled so much it sounded as if I were doing the Riverdance at the same time…

"Because… well, because…" I stopped. Why _did_ I? It wasn't as if I didn't have time to think about it before I threw myself on him - I had deliberately made it a slow process, so that he had time to pull away. It was that, the realisation of how deliberate it was, that gave me the answer. "Because I wanted to know if it was what I wanted to do."

"And?"

I gulped, for the third time in about five minutes.

"I… I don't know."

He raised an eyebrow. "Well you're not gay, are you?"

I shook my head.

"Well then. There's your answer." He pulled his hands away, standing with his arms across his chest - the typical Cox Defence pose. The room felt colder. "Better?"

All I could do was shrug.

"There we go, all sorted. Now if it's all right with you, Loretta, I'm going to head on home. We can do the rest of this tomorrow."

I nodded, feeling stupid. What had just happened? "Sure."

He nodded. "Night then."

Watching him leave the room left a strange humming in the back of my mind; regret? Disappointment? Knowing that all I knew right now was that I was confused as hell? All three?

"Stupid stupidness," I muttered to myself as I leant over to pick up my bag and jacket, slinging both over my shoulder and switching the light off as I left the room. Back to the apartment to yet again question _everything_.

_**Carla POV**_

I knew Bambi well enough to know that when he got home, he was exhausted, confused and probably tearful; I stood up, folding my arms and looking at him with what I hoped were sympathetic eyes. "Well?"

He looked at me for a few moments, trying to process the question. "Umm… well what?"

I sighed. "What happened, Bambi? One second Dr. Cox hates you and the next you're working extra hours with him after work? I was really worried about you last night!"

Rubbing his hands over his face, he wandered over to me, standing opposite me, close enough that I could see just how tired he was. "I don't know, Carla, he just… changed his mind. I went to see him after the hospital last night -"

"You did _what?!_"

I didn't mean to shout, but anyone who knows Dr. Cox like I do - no, anyone that's _met_ him for two seconds knows that if he tells you stay away, he means it. I reached out and took his hands in mine. "JD, what's this about? He tells you to never look at him again you seek him out? I swear, one of these days he's actually going to murder you."

"I thought he was going to," he said with a tired half-smile, "but in the end it turns out he wanted things back to normal just like I did. So we are. Back to normal."

_Nuh uh_, I disagreed silently, looking into his eyes and seeing the truth for what it was - or at least, some of it. Something else had happened, and even though I didn't quite know what that was I knew that there was a big change going on in their lives. A little bubble of excitement burst in my stomach as I thought of the possibilities, of the amount of gossiping Elliot and I had to do -

"Why are you looking like that?" he interrupted my thought processes warily, stepping back slightly. "You have that scary look in your eyes, the same one you had before you took Rowdy to get cleaned!"

I suppressed the slight guilt that welled up over that (they still weren't aware of Steven being an impostor) but simply shrugged and offered a vaguely innocent smile. "No reason! Now," I said in a business-like manner, trying to distract him. "Have you had anything to eat yet? I made fajita's earlier and there's two on the counter if you want them."

JD smiled gratefully. "Thanks Carla. I'll just take them in my bedroom and eat them there."

For a few seconds I battled with myself - clearly there was something on his mind, hence him wanting to escape from people, and I _desperately_ wanted to know what it was… but eventually I made the right decision. I nodded, bidding him goodnight as he wandered off into his room with the plate. I waited until his door closed before I leapt over to the phone, excitement fizzing as I dialled Elliot's number.

"It's a code 69!"

Elliot squealed slightly - I moved the phone away from my ear. "He finally admitted he likes Dr. Cox?!"

"Yeah right," I snorted, curling my legs up under me and settling down for a long talk. "But JD just came in and…"

X X X X X

_**Turk's POV**_

I scrunched up my face.

"A gay bar? Baby, that's kind of… gay."

Carla frowned slightly and pouted - _damn you, foxy Latina woman!_ She was so damned sexy and cute at the same time, even when she was cooking up some sorta plan that I didn't really wanna be a part of.

"Turk, come on… I _never_ ask you to do anything -"

"This morning you asked me to pluck your eyebrows for you."

She pouted a little more. "My hands were all shaky."

"That's 'cos you're cooking up something _bad_, woman!" I folded my arms. "Look, baby, I know that you're just trying to help JD and whatnot, but somehow I don't think dragging him to a gay bar is going to help - and I'm not just talking about him! You think Dr. Cox is going to willingly agree to go with you?"

She smiled that smug little smile that clearly said 'all taken care of'. I did my own pout. "C'mon baby, don't make me go!"

Without warning, she leaned in and pressed herself up against me. I felt the realisation dawn that whatever she was about to say would probably convince me that I _should_ go to the gay bar, but I waited to hear what she had to say. Not that I needed to. Her hands that had started to wander had already pretty much made up my mind.

"If you go I'll make out with Elliot when she's drunk, and then when we come home I'll talk dirty to you in Spanish and -"

"FINE! Fine, I'll go," I grumbled, pulling her close to me and kissing her softly. Suddenly what she'd said hit me - when _we_ come home? "Hang on… are you moving back in?" I didn't miss the hesitation in her eyes; I was slowly realising just how close I'd come to pushing her away just for one stupid mistake. "Baby, you don't have to."

She shook her head, big brown eyes looking at me with an intensity that both scared me and filled me with hope. "No, I want to. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but… I want to try."

I reached down and laced my fingers with hers, kissing each fingertip before looking her deep in the eyes. "You know I love you, right?"

"Yeah, I know. I love you too."

We stayed that way for a few minutes, close and linked - until I realised there was one thing left to do. "Let me guess, I have to convince JD?"

She twirled a curl of hair around her finger. Damn. Said it all.

"Okay, but if he says no -"

"He won't. He might need a bit of convincing, but he won't say no. Just tell him drinks are on me and Elliot and that he can have as much to drink as he wants. Besides, it's last minute - he'll panic and end up saying yes."

My woman was smart. "Ooookaaaay," I sighed, rubbing my forehead up against hers. "When he finishes his shift I'll pounce on him. Not literally," I hastened to add, already in defensive 'I'm straight, y'know what I'm SAYIN'?' mode. She smiled and kissed me again, before disentangling herself from me and walking away, doing that special hip movement that she knows drives me crazy. Still, the craziness was worth it - my baby was coming back to me.

X X X X X

_**JD POV**_

I'd be lying if I said it took more than two attempts to convince me to go to the bar with Carla, Turk and Elliot - I'd recently bought a white shirt that Turk instantly deemed too see-through (barely, you can't even see the nipples!) and fitted to be 'straight outerwear'. I'd been dying for a chance to try it out, and figured where better than a gay bar? I didn't particularly mind if guys played for me (though I found it odd how the thought of it still made me flinch a little, considering the last few 'meetings' with Dr. Cox), and everybody knows that gays play the _best_ music.

"Do you think I should wear eyeliner?"

The expression on Turk's face said it all, but I think he was already horrified by the fact that I was wearing The Gay Shirt - ah, he'd come around. I'd teamed it up with dark denim trousers that I thought went well with it, and now I was trying to accessorise. I was battling with myself whether to wear a plain silver chain or whether to go for a beaded thing I'd recently bought from a strange lady at the market, which I thought was quite nice but that Turk had deemed was 'gay as the day is long'… so I went with the chain. Behind me he sighed, flopping back onto my head. He'd gone for his usual t-shirt and jeans, and had no idea why I was trying so hard.

"Dude, if you wear eyeliner I'm not walking in there with you."

"What if _you_ wear eyeliner as well?"

A voice called out from the living room. "Good idea, JD! Baby, let me put some eyeliner on you, it'll look good!"

Turk sat up straight, eyes widening in horror. "Don't you touch me, woman!"

She stood in the doorway, slipping on earrings. "I'm not asking, Turk, I'm telling."

I grinned; I'd like to see her try.

"Okay, well… if you can catch me, I'll let you put some on!"

The last thing I saw before Carla and Elliot tackled him to the ground was a brown blur, racing towards the bathroom and freedom.

X X X X X

When we finally got to the bar (though it turned out to be more of a club), Turk was wearing eyeliner and I was feeling nervous. The people queuing around us seemed relaxed and perfectly at ease in their surroundings, not to mention quite happy to stand and ogle at us - or more accurately, me. I could barely believe it, but for the first time _ever_, I was getting more attention than all three of the others - true, they were all men rather than women, but the point was that there were many eyes now directed at me. Carla seemed to notice, nudging me with her shoulder none-too-discreetly and jerking her head in the direction of the attention but I simply flushed red and directed my eyes towards the floor.

I wasn't gay. That much I knew.

"C'mon JD," Elliot said, flicking her hair over her shoulder and pouting slightly at the bouncers on the door - oh god, she was playing up to it! The bouncers barely gave her a second glance, sending her straight in without checking her for anything; then again, she was a small, slender blonde girl from Connecticut and didn't exactly pose as a threat. They patted me up and down and sent me in, leaving me slightly concerned as I was faced with two decisions; either I go out on the main floor, or go up some metal stairs leading to the next level. I panicked, looking for Elliot.

"Bambi, the upstairs is the Lesbian floor," Carla said from behind me, taking me arm and leading me through the double doors into a main area that had a huge dance floor, a wrap-around bar and a cushy little seating area in the right-hand corner. Already I could see men kissing each other - I blushed again and allowed Carla to lead me to the bar. "I think some tequila is in order!"

My nose wrinkled in distaste; tequila? I hated tequila. Couldn't I just have an Appletini?

"You can have an Appletini after you've had three shots," Carla's voice was now by my right ear, practically shouting over the music. "That, or you can drink water for the rest of the night. Your choice!"

_Damn it._ "I'll have a water then."

Her eyes shot daggers at me. "You'll drink your tequila and like it, Bambi! Drink up!"

I rolled my eyes, taking the salt and shot she passed me, licking the salt before throwing the shot down my throat. My stomach instantly tried to get rid of it, and in a desperate attempt to keep it down I grabbed the lemon she was now holding and bit into it - hard.

I shuddered.

"Dude, man up," Turk said, standing with his chest puffed out and looking warily around him at all of the men now standing close to each other; to be fair, other than a few blatantly gay guys most of them looked like your bog-standard straight guy - I relaxed slightly, taking the next shot Carla passed me - this time Sambuca - and knocking it back. _Yuckia_!

"One more and you can have all the Appletini's you want!" Elliot screamed into my left ear, making me flinch and nearly fall into someone behind me - they reached out to steady me - I turned, finding myself looking into a pair of dark brown eyes.

"Watch yourself there!" he said, grinning at me. He was short, tanned and had spiked hair - similar to mine, but blonde - and blatantly gay. It wasn't so much that he was camp, more that the neon green top that he was wearing and his too-tight jeans were a dead giveaway. I grinned back, already feeling the effects of the two shots (Cox would be disappointed in me) and felt a rush of love for my saviour.

"Sorry!" I shouted, blindly accepting one more shot (mmm, Apple Sourz) and tipping it back before looking at him again, feeling flushed once more. He grinned again, opening his mouth to start a conversation that I wasn't sure I could handle - until I felt a hand grip my wrist. Suddenly Turk stood beside me, glaring at the guy in full, eye-liner-ed glory.

"Hey, dude, stop crushing on my man." He wrapped his arm around me and dragged me away - once we were at the edge of the dance floor, I looked at him in surprise.

"Why -"

"Anyone could tell he was about to make a move on you - just looking out for you, man," he intercepted, looking slightly uncomfortable. I could tell just how much pride that took out of him to do that, so I clapped him on the back as hard as I could and grinned crazily. He nodded, motioning towards the dance floor where Elliot and Carla were already dancing with a group of guys, Elliot fitting in seamlessly with the camp crowd and Carla beckoning Turk and I to join them - we slid through the heavy throng of people and started dancing, he up against Carla in a bid to prove his heterosexuality and me with Elliot. It was strange, but I was starting to realise how different things were - and just how attracted to her I _wasn't_.

It was both freeing and terrifying at the same time.

We danced for what felt like hours, taking breaks every now and again to get more drinks - I was on my fifth Appletini and knowing I was well on my way to drunk, enjoying myself immensely. I'd chatted with some of the guys here, and all of them were nicer than anyone I'd met in years; they were all genuinely interested in me and what I had to say, ridiculously impressed when I told them I was a doctor - a few suggested a physical at the end of the night, but at those moments one of the other three would yank me away to another part of the dance floor. It was starting to annoy me… I could handle myself! I hadn't failed to notice how protective they were being, particularly Carla and Elliot, and I knew at some point I would drunkenly snap and yell at them for being such fuddy-duddies.

I met with the guy in the tight neon-green t-shirt again - Aaron, he told me his name was - and we started chatting by the seated area in the corner. We soon found out that we lived quite close to each other, that he had gone to the same college as me and that he was, like me, single. I gradually began to find myself intrigued by what he had to say, leaning forward to listen as he told me about his first gay experience (I had heard many of these stories already, but he had just admitted that he wasn't quite out of the closet completely yet) and, for whatever reason, I wanted to hear more.

"When I eventually kissed Luke for the first time, it was like… fireworks. All I could think of for days afterwards was that kiss, and though it confused me a little I knew I just had to do it again."

Alarm bells started to ring.

"It's not like I'd ever considered getting with guys before, I'd always focused my attentions on girls, but found that no matter who I got with, it never quite worked out how I wanted it to. It was a scary time."

I hesitated. "When you first kissed Luke… did you know straight away that you were gay?"

He laughed, his eyes sparkling in the flashing lights around us. "Naw, not really. I mean, I wondered, but I was in denial for a while."

"So… do you know it for certain now?"

It was his turn to hesitate. "I'm not saying I'm sure, but after a while it sort of becomes inevitable. You like a guy, therefore you're gay. Or bisexual. Whichever."

For a couple of moments we sat in silence, his eyes on me and mine on the table, trying to sift through my drunken musings. I wasn't sure what I was thinking, but I was disturbed regardless. He smiled a little.

"You look thoughtful. What are you thinking?"

I looked up and met his eyes; they were intense.

"I'm not gay."

Aaron laughed again, louder and heartier than before - it made me laugh a little too, before I became curious as to why he had laughed at me. I asked as much.

"I know you're not gay, don't worry. I just think it's cute that you feel the need to make it known. In a gay club."

I shifted uncomfortably. "I just didn't want… I don't want people to think -"

"Look, Johnny," (I had drunkenly called myself this, deciding it was my gay alias), "I'm not going to make a move on you. Unless you want me to."

Time to feel nervous again. "I, err… I don't know. I'm drunk."

That grin again. It made me feel warm inside. "Then maybe now's the time to experiment. That way you don't have to remember me in the morning."

I stared at him; was this what I needed? To not be blinded by my confusion in relation to Dr. Cox and to just kiss another guy, a nice guy at that, to see if I liked it? I started to shake my head, before I changed it to a nod. "Okay, kiss me. But do it quick before I change my mind."

He didn't waver; he leant forward and pressed his lips against mine, the taste of JD and coke on his lips, the warmth of his tongue slipping over mine - I tried to absorb the moment, but found myself strangely detached. I kissed him back, half-hearted, unsure, feeling my body leaning away ever so slightly at it… no, this wasn't right. It was nice, as kisses are, and his lips were surprisingly soft - oh, I'd keep it going a little while longer, I might change my mind -

Suddenly I was being yanked up from my chair roughly, knocking over my Appletini and causing the drunk annoyance at my friends' over-protectiveness break open I whirled around to yell at whoever it was, but failed to speak - the breath left my lungs, leaving me stranded with just a whisper on my lips..

Dr. Cox stood facing me, eyes cold and hard as he looked at me.

For what felt like minutes we glared at each other, my head spinning, his staying exactly where it was, but as quickly as he had arrived, his eyes snapped over to Aaron, who somehow didn't look surprised. He smiled a lazy smile; Dr. Cox didn't smile back.

"Fair play," Aaron said, confusingly to me, and shrugged. "I figured as much anyway."

I tried to stammer an apology, tried to decipher what was happening, but Dr. Cox simply took my arm and dragged me away, over to the dance floor before looking down at me with daggers in his eyes. I flinched. I'd done a lot of that recently.

"What the hell were you letting him do, Newbie? Do you know him?"

I blinked. "No, I -"

"Are you entirely empty-headed? He could've slipped something into your drink or followed you home or… well, god knows what else. Grow a pair, JD, and then take them back to your friends so they can keep an eye on you. Jesus."

_What?!_

"But… what are you doing here?"

He frowned. "That's not important."

Suddenly, somehow, it clicked. My drunken tongue managed to form the words, "Did Carla tell you to come here?"

He nodded once, sharply.

"Why did you… you're actually here though?"

"Wonderful observation skills. Knew you had to be a doctor for a reason."

I gave up. I couldn't be bothered with this. I came here to have fun, and I would do - plus, all the constant arguing with Dr. Cox was exhausting. "Well, I don't need protecting. If that's why you're here, if that's what she told you to do, then you should just go. I don't want to be watched and spied on, everyone constantly thinking I can't handle myself."

I turned to leave, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back; it hurt.

"Why did you tell me you weren't gay?"

My mouth fell open. "Because I'm _not_."

His ice-blue eyes flashed. "Your tonsils says otherwise. Make up your goddamned mind Newbie, before I make it up for you."

With that, he stormed off - leaving, no doubt. I stared after him, him in a black shirt and jeans, the man who had sounded a little like he was jealous.

Was Dr. Cox _jealous?!_

"Fuck you," I muttered under my breath, the alcohol and distance from him making me feel braver than when he had been directly opposite me. I threaded my way through the crowd, stopping only when I saw Carla waving at me, looking angry. I sighed.

She began as soon as I reached her side. "Did you just tell Dr. Cox to _leave_?"

I gave the affirmative. She grabbed me by the arms and shook me.

"Do you KNOW how long it took me to convince him to come? Do you know how _lucky_ you were that he even stepped in these doors?!"

"Well do _you_ know that I don't need you and him protecting me? I'm sick of it, Carla, I'm not a child!"

Her eyes widened. "You think Dr. Cox was here to protect you? Are you… are you completely _BLIND_, Bambi?" I shook my head, trying to process what she was saying. "Dr. Cox was here because I told him you wanted him here. He put up a fight, sure, but the fact that he actually gave in… doesn't that tell you something?"

"That he wants to make my life continuously difficult until I feel the need to cut off my own head?"

"For the love of god… HE _WANTS _YOU!" Time for the fish-mouth again; I was wordless. Was _she_ stupid? He wasn't interested. Neither was I! I felt I needed to make this point clear.

"Well even if that's true, Carla, I don't want _him_."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't!"

"You _do_ JD, why can't you see it?! Everyone else can!"

I shook my head, frustrated at how hard it was for me to absorb her words. "I don't, I'm straight, he's like a father to me -"

"Okay then, answer me this then, yes or no - have you or have you not kissed him in the last week?"

_No, no, no, how does she _know_ this?! She's a witch!_

"…I…"

She nodded, triumphant. "I thought so."

"But _how_ do you think so? How did that thought even cross your mind?! It didn't cross mine, I didn't think that in the space of a week we would've kissed twice -"

"YOU KISSED DR. COX _TWICE?!_"

Elliot's voice was piercing and painful, yet somehow she was metres away rather than right next to me… god that woman could scream… I half nodded, half shook my head. I didn't want them to know, didn't want them to blow it out of proportion, it was _my_ secret, mine and his, for me to store away in a little box in the back of my head -

"I give up on you, Bambi. You just sent him away when he came here for you. I tried to help and you just won't hear it - I give up, I truly do. Come on Elliot," she said, grabbing Elliot's hand and looking at me with a strange finality glowing in her eyes. It made me feel like a disappointment, something I didn't handle well. "Let's go to the Lesbian floor."

"Hell YEAH!" Elliot screeched, running towards the stairs and dragging Carla with her, leaving me standing on my own, drowning in my own self-pity. I vaguely acknowledged Turk following them stealthily, vaguely felt the press of bodies as I was nudged onto the dance floor, vaguely felt myself start to dance - everything was fuzzy, overwhelming, upsetting - I didn't like it. I wanted to go home. I wanted to go to sleep. More than anything, I wanted to see _him_.

The music changed; 'Naughty Girl' by Beyonce flooded through the speakers, the gay men beginning to thrust and wiggle around me - I imitated them, wiggling my wonderful mutton-like tush, blushing as a group of men grouped around me and made me the centre of their attention. I loved this song, and suddenly I lost my moodiness and my inhibitions and threw myself into enjoying myself. Someone behind me grabbed my hips and started grinding lightly up against me - it was weird, wrong and scary to dance this way with a stranger but it was invigorating, made me feel dangerous and naughty - much like the song. I drunkenly decided it would be my Gay Anthem.

I didn't know what it was, but a feeling swept over me, making the hairs on my back of my neck stand up - I forced myself to focus on something, anything, and found my eyes clapping themselves on a face in the crowd, one that was stationary and watchful. One that I recognised instantly. The hairs on my arms stood up.

Slowly, so slowly that I could feel my senses heighten with each step, he started to slip through the crowds towards me, his eyes never leaving me. Somehow I managed to keep dancing despite wanting to run, my awareness expanding as he got closer - and there he was, right opposite me, right near me, staring at me as if he couldn't quite recognise my face.

But then it wasn't my face he was looking at.

As the song continued to play, his eyes slowly, intensely moved down my body, taking in the way I was moving, taking in what I was wearing… they moved back up, fixing once again on my eyes. The look was one I didn't recognise. It scared me. Terrified me.

_Thrilled_ me.

I stopped dancing; the song was some sort of a dance mix, going on for longer than usual, and suddenly as I heard the words; Naughty Girl', I felt blood pool to my cheeks, wondering if that's how he saw me right now, wondering what he was actually seeing and thinking. He moved closer, closer, closer until I could smell him and feel him, that body-heat taking my breath away and making me feel all too aware of him close to me. His hands, his strong hands that had held me more times in the last two weeks than ever before reached out and lightly placed themselves on my hips; it send an electric jolt through me, the tiniest of breaths slipping through my lips, the last of the oxygen he had left me with.

I felt my body start to crumple into itself, but before it had a chance to, he had pulled me until I was flat against him, torso to foot, and all the bits in-between… I gasped again, taking in a deep breath of the air I so desperately needed and forcing my eyes to flick up to meet his gaze. There it was, the only word to describe his usual ice-cold stare… _heated_.

Dr. Cox stared at me with burning eyes.

"Thank you," I whispered. I knew he couldn't hear me, but he lip-read - he fixated his look on my lips and their movement, before dragging them back up to meet my confusion head on. He stared for a few instants, waiting until I was desperate before he leant forward until his lips were at my ear -

"This is what you want, isn't it, JD?"

The harsh heat from his whisper, the feel of his lips brushing my earlobe ever so slightly, and more than anything _the way he said my name _hit me in a spark more akin to lightening than static electricity, causing the breath to leave me again, this time with a slight, well, _moan, _escaping, in such a position that surely he couldn't have missed it… he pulled away but kept my body close, his face oh-so-close to mine. Dr. Cox's eyes never left me for a second.

I had to answer.

"…yes."

Again, a whisper, but with an edge of desperation to it - suddenly the blood left my cheeks and everywhere else and swept to an area very much pressed against him. There was no denying it this time, no reason behind it other than what was right in front of me - I had a hard-on, and it was rubbing against him as clear as anything. I gulped, waiting for his reaction. This would decide the next few minutes, hours, who knew how long -

His lips turned up slightly in a very small, very intense smile; he shifted against me slightly until I, shockingly, overwhelmingly felt something hard - and, I could hardly fail to notice, _huge - _move against me, over me, over where surely all the blood in my body was right this second… my mouth fell open, finding it suddenly difficult to breathe. He leant forward again, whispering directly into my ear.

"You feel that? You feel me on you? You feel -" he moved his hips closer, increasing the pressure, " - how good I feel on you?"

I could only nod, my cheek brushing slightly against his. I felt dizzy. He whispered once more.

"You've made me so hard I could explode. All over you. Right now."

I drew in a ragged breath but it wasn't enough; I drew in another but still felt dizzy - I pulled away from his lips, focusing my eyes on his face, making sure this was real, that he was real - yes, those were his eyes burning into mine, those were his hands tightly grasping my hips, that was his erection grinding ever so lightly up against mine - I was going to lose it, lose my head, lose my sanity, right there and then. It was too much.

He leant forward, this time capturing my lips with his, slow and devastatingly _sexual_ as he moved them over mine, his eyes almost completely closed - my head cleared slightly but as he said the next words, said them as his lips were on mine, his breath mingling with mine, I felt myself lose grip completely -

"I want to make you come."

Seconds after -

"I'm _going_ to make you come."

I wanted to argue with him, tell him that neither of us were gay, that neither of us really wanted this - _but I did_. My head was screaming at me to stop but I was beyond reason - all I knew was him against me, his lips on mine, his erection rubbing on mine, how turned on he was making me… I couldn't reason with him. I didn't want to. I wanted him to do this.

'Dip It Low' by Christina Milian began to play, the beat sexy, our hips moving together more fluidly - it wasn't flamboyant, nor obvious, but _I_ felt it. I felt his left hand start to move, slipping forward, brushing ever closer to the rise in my jeans until finally he cupped it, lightly - I couldn't help it, a tiny groan escaped my lips… his lips went up at the corners slightly again. His fingers wrapped around the shape of me, my hips jolting forwards at the new pressure - my eyes went down to look at what he was doing but his other than lifted my chin so that I was looking in his eyes once more. I didn't need to see him lean forward to know what he was going to say.

"I want you to look at me. I want you to know it's me, Newbie, want you to know that it's my hand that's sliding down the waistband of your underwear -"

His hand slid up and slid his hand underneath my shirt, his palm momentarily connecting with the hot skin of my stomach before sliding down and into the waistband of my underwear, as promised… he brushed his thumb over the tip of my penis - _oh god, don't lose it yet_ -

"- want you to know that it's my hand wrapping around your erection -"

Achingly slow, his hand moved lower and his fingers curled themselves around me, warm and strong - I groaned again, biting my lip and leaning my forehead on his shoulder, trying to keep it together whilst he touched me -

"- want you to know that it's me fucking you with my hand until you can't hold it any longer."

He moved away from my ear slowly, me lifting my head so I could meet his eyes, eyes that were on fire, eyes that made it even harder to keep myself from coming so soon… I was more turned on than I had ever been in my life, hardly aware of the bodies dancing around us, only knowing what was happening to me at that second with the man that had plagued my thoughts for longer than any girl. He slowly moved his hand up and down, grasping me lightly and tauntingly as he moved it, eliciting from me moans so guttural I didn't recognise my own pleasure… it was better, better, better than anything I'd ever felt before, he was moving faster and his thumb kept teasingly passing over the tip of me and I _knew _I was going to lose it soon, I just didn't want to so quickly -

His lips on my ear again.

"Come, JD. Come all over my hand right _now._ Now. NOW."

With one final, star-spitting moan, closer to a cry than a gasp I exploded; I had never come so hard in my life, feeling him slow his movements, feeling his right arm wrap around my waist and keep me from falling, felt his forehead come into contact with mine, our sweat mingling and his breath on my lips as I drew in ragged, shallow breaths, head spinning. I barely noticed him slipping his hands from my underwear, hardly noticed how no one stopped dancing, hardly noticed anything -

All I could feel was his arms wrap around my waist and pull me close, closer than ever before, and hold me as I began to sob, tears streaming down my cheeks as he held me, arms holding me together as I fell apart for the world to see.


	13. Drink Up Me Hearties

_What can I say? It's been an absolute pleasure reading your reviews so far; I'd just like to apologise for the typos in the last chapter - I was so excited to write it and post it (slashiest chapter so far and all!) that I didn't re-read it through, just slapped it on FF with the hopes that I didn't mess up. I did, and I am genuinely sorry for it!_

_So let's move on, shall we? Chapter thirteen. Have fun!_

**Chapter Thirteen - Drink Up Me Hearties**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

"Newbie. Let's go."

I didn't know if he was still crying, nor did it matter - I needed to get him out of there. He was drunk, vulnerable and could become hysterical at any second - something I didn't really want to deal with at that moment in time. I pulled myself away from him, grasping him hard by the shoulders and forcing him to look me in the eye.

"C'mon, I'm taking you home."

He looked away, ashamed, flushed from crying, looking more and more like a scared little boy than the man I'd been pressed up against minutes ago… it was unsettling, the change. For a moment I was tempted to just leave, to let him look after himself and go back to being an asshole the moment we saw each other, but it was too late for that. Not only had something 'happened', it was _me_ that had initiated it. There was no more denying that there was something else there, be it important or not - I didn't know how things would change from now on, nor did I want to know.

"I don't… I don't know." He looked up at me again, his eyes large and lost. My stomach clenched.

"You don't need to know anything right now, kid," I sighed, reaching down and taking his wrist in my hand; as if by instinct rather than active decision, JD turned so that his hand slipped into mine - I froze, staring down at our cupping hands and trying to resist the urge to tear away. I didn't want this sort of intimacy with him. I had come to a decision - albeit one that could be potentially damaging on so many levels - that no matter what happened, whatever things we ended up doing, so long as I kept myself emotionally distanced it would be fine. That's, of course, ignoring what this could do to my relationship.

Right at that second, though, Jordan was the last thing on my mind.

"But…"

"Come on."

"But what are we… I mean, what are you -"

"I won't say it again, JD. We're leaving, Keep a hold of my hand and follow me out."

I turned and started to pull him after me, through the crowds until we finally reached the door. I didn't wait for him to pull himself together - I carried on dragging him, out into the somewhat misty street, towards my car that was parked on the other side of the road. Newbie looked from me to the car before shaking his head.

"You can't drive, Dr. Cox, you're _drunk_."

I unlocked the car and motioned for him to get himself in. "No, I'm not."

He fell in beside me, red-rimmed eyes confused as he stared at the steering wheel, trying to work something out. Eventually he said, "So why did you just do that?"

I leant across him to shut the door, before pulling his seat-belt across his body for him; the scent of him surrounded me, giving my arousal another surge of power - _goddamn it, Perry, get it together_. "Do what?"

He looked at me, frowning slightly. "You know… what happened in there… the kissing, the grinding and touching, making me -"

"I did it because I wanted to," I replied shortly, starting the engine and staring ahead and out of the windscreen. For a few seconds the silence was blissful, until I felt a slight shaking from beside me. I turned, my fears confirmed - he was crying again. He lifted his hands up, gesturing with them at nothing.

"But _why? _I don't get it. I don't understand. Dr. Cox, I just don't understand."

His drunken ramblings were slightly annoying.

I sighed tiredly. Should I do this now whilst he was out of his head or wait until he was sober? I decided to try it now. "Because something changed, Newbie. When you did what you did yesterday -"

"When I kissed you?"

I grimaced. "Yeah, that. Afterwards I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it. This morning when we sorted out the rest of the paperwork I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it. Over and over, playing in my mind like a goddamned movie." I glanced at him, but his eyes were staring at the dashboard. I carried on. "Thing is, Newbie, this can't go anywhere. What just happened in there…"

"That was _amazing_," he whispered, a drunken smile lighting up his face in stark contrast to the tears streaking his cheeks. "As in, _seriously_ amazing. Your hands on me, just… god."

I couldn't help the tiny grin that escaped, but I managed to suppress it before he got too carried away. "All right there, no need to go on about it. It was fun, but it was one of those things that you have to get out of your system and not repeat ever again. You understand what I'm saying?"

He hesitated. "That… you don't want to do it again?" His eyes met mine, asking for confirmation - I half nodded, before changing my mind and shaking my head.

"I gotta tell you, 'cos I can't see any point in lying - but I think under the right circumstances I could easily do that again. It's very…" I took a deep breath before looking away. "It's very easy to get carried away with you."

Newbie snorted. "Cos I'm a vulnerable little girl, right?"

I raised my eyebrow. "You certainly weren't acting like it in there. At least, not for the most part."

He blushed. I decided that was enough for one night.

"Okay, enough talking now. I'm taking you home."

"Awww, can't we go somewhere else?"

"No, you need sleep for work tomorrow, don't think I'm going to let you slip up just because you had a late night."

He grinned. "But I have a day off!"

Was that disappointment I felt stabbing at my stomach?

"Gotta let Carla know that you're okay."

He seemed to take this seriously, collapsing against the chair and shutting his eyes. "You know what's best."

I did. He wasn't in any sort of position to know what was best for him, so I guessed it was up to me to decide. That was fine by me; taking control was a talent of mine, and at a time like this it was the only thing I could do. I drove slowly through the streets, not wanting to make the car judder too much - the last thing I needed was him throwing up all over me and my most prized possession… that being the car, not him. Once upon a time I saw him almost like a possession, a trophy, the best resident there was - now it was different. I had, somewhere along the line, let him become something else and that more than anything was driving me insane. _No one_ was allowed to get close. Even Jordan had to keep an emotional distance, though this was as much her choice as mine,

_Jordan_.

Shit. She didn't know I was going out tonight, and was going to wonder where the hell I was. Then again, she disappeared for random hours during the day and night, so maybe it was my turn - another good thing about Jordan was that she wasn't afraid to do what she wanted to do, and expected me to be the same. There were a lot of things I liked about being with Jordan. So why was I doing this? Technically, I realised, I was having an affair - even if it ended after tonight, we'd kissed twice and now I'd taken it a step further… there was no denying _that_, either. Damn it, had I completely lost my mind?

"Donwannagohome."

"Well you're going there whether you like it or not. You're sure as hell not coming home with me."

Silence. I kept driving, trying to ignore the building frustrating in my chest. I truly didn't want to take him home - that would mean waking up with him in the same building with me, though looking at it realistically I had already done that once this month. I remembered him standing there in his sweats, clutching a pillow and looking at me with big eyes. An uncomfortable stirring in my stomach made the frustration grow, to the point where when we eventually reached his apartment I wanted to just shove him out of the door and get home.

"We're here, Newbie," I said loudly, knowing he was sleeping but not particularly caring. I had been too intimate tonight anyway, holding him like that in the club as he sobbed all over my shirt - now was not the time to build on it. I stepped out of the car, walking around to his side and opening his door, pulling him out. "You okay to get up to your apartment?"

He nodded slowly, hazily focusing on me as I held him up, at a distance. His blue eyes found mine, and with painful hesitation, he stepped closer. I stepped away.

"Get upstairs, kid, you're drunk and need to sleep it off."

Damn he looked hurt.

"I want to… I want…"

"I'm leaving now. Go sleep."

I turned away, walking back to the drivers side of the car and sitting down, slamming the door. When I turned to glance at the block of apartments, he was standing at the door, fumbling with his keys. I started the engine - suddenly he had turned back to face the car.

I read his lips clearly. "Text me?"

I drove away, knowing with an irritating acceptance that I would do just that.

**X X X X X**

I pulled my cell out of my pocket and set it down on the bedside counter; Jordan wasn't in. Quickly I pulled off my clothes, showering and scrubbing hard, vaguely acknowledging that I was punishing myself for what I had started. Only when my skin was raw did I step out and back into the bedroom, pulling on a pair of clean boxers and slipping between the sheets. It was cool and comforting; the pounding headache that had started around my temples was temporarily soothed by the pillow beneath my head.

I lifted my phone from its place and glanced at the screen. 1 New Message.

I sighed. I knew who it would be from.

_Joanna (02:21) Thamk wou for taling me home. Thank yno for the orgbsm. Not gay thougg._

I rolled my eyes.

_I know you're not. Now go to sleep._

I couldn't help it; I waited for a reply. It came ten minutes later.

_Joanna (02:34)_ _I whsh you were here to cuddl me to slep_

No… no, he couldn't say things like that. He _shouldn't_. Sex was detached, but cuddling… cuddling was something even Jordan and _I_ didn't do. I hesitated before replying.

_You'll do fine with a pillow. Don't say things like that Newbie, it's not appropriate._

_Joanna (02:45) I cant help it. Godnight. X_

Was that a _kiss_ at the end? What did he think I was, his boyfriend?! This was clearly out of control - somehow I had played him so hard that he had developed feelings for me, whether he would admit them or not. The only problem was, I didn't return them. At all. True, just thinking about what had happened earlier gave me a hard-on, but that was sex. It was sexual. It wasn't and would never be emotional.

I switched my phone off and didn't sleep.

**X X X X X**

_**JD POV**_

Oh god, oh god, oh god -

Ignoring the fact that I had the hangover from _hell_ the next day, that was the last thing on my mind. The fact of the matter was that Dr. Cox had made me _come_ in the middle of the dance floor, and that he had wanted to. He had started it.

And that I had _liked_ it.

Worse was the first thing that Carla said to me the next morning.

"I saw you and Dr. Cox, JD."

I pulled the cushion I was holding closer to me and refused to look at her. She came around the sofa and sat next to me.

"Don't pretend you didn't hear me, I _know_ you did. I saw what you were doing, or more to the point, what _he_ was doing. I saw the entire thing."

I gulped. "Did… did anyone else see?"

"Elliot did. Turk didn't."

_Thank god._

"What do you… what are you thinking?"

She half-smiled. "It's difficult, Bambi. On the one hand I'm happy that he finally did something _positive -_" I blushed. " - but on the other hand, this could get _very_ messy."

I nodded. "I know."

"What about Jordan, JD? Did you think that through?"

I shook my head. "No." I hadn't even considered her.

"Are you going to tell him how you really feel?"

This made me laugh - which made my head hurt. "How I really feel? I don't even know what that is, let alone how I could ever vocalise it. You know Dr. Cox better than I do, so you must at least be aware that he'd never want a… a relationship."

She didn't deny it. "It was difficult enough for him to admit he loved Jordan, let alone marry her."

The next words that appeared in my head made me stop for a moment. "It's just… before now, I looked at him as a demented kind of father-figure, or the scary uncle. At least I tried to. What I do know is that these feelings… I haven't had them before. For him, I mean. They're pretty much new."

Carla nodded. "I know sweetie. That much is obvious."

I forced myself to look at her.

"So how did you know I would have, or did have feelings for him, if that's what this is?"

"I'm good at reading people, that's all. You didn't make it obvious."

I could vaguely recall Dr. Kelso's comment about homophobic eye-contact. "I really hope not."

For a few minutes we sat in silence, my head whirring with the thoughts that were spinning around in their little boxes, confusing and upsetting me. Eventually I couldn't contain it anymore.

"GOD! I don't _want_ this! I don't want to be all confused about him, I don't want to remember what he did and get all, you know," I waved in the general direction of my crotch - she smirked. "I just want things to be back to normal. But at the same time I want to…"

"See where it goes?"

I nodded pathetically; she leaned over and placed her hand on mine; her engagement ring glittered up at me, making my eyes hurt. "All I can suggest is that you keep things on the down low. You don't want anyone else knowing. Elliot and I will keep it to ourselves, and Turk is so disturbed by the thought of you being in love with a man that he won't say anything to anyone."

That nod again - but then I realised what she had said. "Carla, I'm not in love with him."

She looked at me sympathetically. "No?"

"No! Yes, I have feelings I don't quite understand and, yes, I miss him when I don't see him… and okay, I like it when he gives me a rare compliment or a hug and it brightens my day when he smiles at me, but -"

"But you're in denial?"

"NO!" I exploded. "I'm not in love with him, I just have…" I realised it as I said it. "Have ridiculously strong feelings for him."

This seemed to satisfy her, but she clearly wasn't going to completely drop the subject. "But you _will_ fall in love with him."

I smiled wryly at her, knowing the truth of her words and knowing the truth of what I was about to say. "Not if he can help it."

**X X X X X**

Turk approached me later that day.

"Dude, I need your help."

"Sure, what's up C-Bear?"

He sat beside me, looked around him carefully before leaning forward. I leant forward with him, instantly intrigued. "I smell a secret on the horizon… don't keep me waiting, I can't stand the anticipation!"

He set his hands out in front of him, spreading his fingers. I recognised this as his 'we have something serious to discuss and you must keep QUIET about it' action, and zipped my lips. "Carla's birthday is coming up."

Instantly I became excited. "What you think of doves? I know, I know, a little corny but just imagine, we can let them free outside of the window or something -"

"JD, I love you man, but this is not the time for your crazy ideas, okay?" I tried not to feel offended. "It's her 36th and I want it to be _special_. I'm not talking going out to an expensive restaurant or whatnot, we all know a brother does it better when it's done _his_ way. You following so far?"

I nodded, intent on keeping up and helping Turk out.

"So I know it's not original or something, but I was thinking a party or something? Like, a house party?"

I blinked.

"But we have an apartment. The neighbours would kill us."

He nodded. "They'd kill us here, but what if we had it at someone else's apartment? Someone who doesn't care who they piss off?"

I had a horrible idea that I knew where this was going. "Ooookaaay… where were you thinking?"

His deep brown eyes looked into mine in the way that screamed love… oh god, he knew I couldn't deny him…

"Dr. Cox's place, maybe?"

I sighed and fell back on the couch. "Yeah, 'cos he'd agree to that."

"Dude, you know usually I wouldn't ask, but I can't exactly get Carla to ask, can I? Would ruin the surprise!" He got down on his knees. I panicked and picked up the remote control in defence. "JD, I'm asking you as my best friend and brother from another mother - will you _please_ ask Dr. Cox if we could use his apartment for the party? I will owe you BIG time. BIG time." He stopped for a second and shook his head vehemently. "Actually no, you owe me big time anyway for going to that stupid gay club with you last night. And the eyeliner, I won't forget that either…"

I didn't want to think about yesterday - too befuddling. In desperation to distract him before he asked the question I could see dawning in his eyes, I said a little too quickly,

"Fine I'll ask him!"

His eyes brightened; I excitedly acknowledged the possibility of a hug. "You'll do it?"

I nodded, dread filling my stomach like iron. "Yeah, I'd do anything for you, buddy."

He threw himself at me in the classic Black Whale hug, and I enveloped him in my arms - oh, it was heaven… his head was so warm and smooth…

"Okay, so I'm gonna need your help organising this thing." He was out of my arms and holding a tiny notepad that I recognised as mine - I stored this away in the back of my mind to chide him about later. "We need food, decorations, music, guests… what else?"

I took my back-up notepad out from under the couch cushion (well, you never know!). "What about pictures of Carla from over the years, put up on some sort of giant notice-board?"

He nodded. "That's an awesome idea. Should we have a theme of some kind?"

_YES!!!_ "I don't know, would Carla want a theme?"

Turk thought for a second. "Good point. Well, we could have a Puerto Rican themed party?"

I stifled a grin. "She might kill you for that. She's Dominican."

"Damn!"

Well, we can still have some sort of theme that's linked with her background, right?"

Turk suddenly grinned, a full grin that made me grin right back.

"I've GOT it."

**X X X X X**

Elliot blinked.

"Pirates?"

We both nodded, smug. She raised an eyebrow.

"How exactly are pirates linked to Carla's background?"

Chocolate Bear shrugged. "I don't know, but she'll _love_ it."

"Okay, it's your funeral… but how am I supposed to explain to her why I'm dressed up as a pirate when I drive to pick her up from the hospital?"

"Easy - just tell her you were in the middle of some sort of roleplaying sex with Shaun," I replied, trying not to cringe at the thought of it. This seemed to suit Elliot though, as she suddenly blushed red and made her excuses. Turk called after her,

"You do decorations!"

She lifted a hand in acknowledgement - Turk and I high-fived - without warning, The Todd popped up from behind the nurses station. He grinned and lifted his hand. "Can The Todd have some decoration love?"

I edged away. "Turk would LOVE to give you some love."

After they slapped palms, The Todd turned to me. "You know how I like to decorate?"

"I don't know, Todd, but I'll bet it's something to do with sex, right?" I replied quickly, ducking behind Turk - I didn't want to have to high-five him. It hurt.

"Rhonda, I thought you weren't working today?"

I twisted around, finding Dr. Cox in his usual lab coat and standing holding a chart. He wasn't looking at me, rather looking at the chart, but I still felt my knees weaken with panic.

"Uh, yeah, Turk and I are just -" I turned to motion to Turk to help me out, but he was gone - _damn him and his muscled legs!_ "Um, just planning Carla's birthday party. We wanted to run something by Elliot, so we -"

He whistled; that hurt too. Did it have to be so high and piercing?

"That's enough of that, I don't have time to stand around and chitchat. Unless you've forgotten, this is a hospital and I have patients to look after."

"Well you spoke to me first," I mumbled, turning to leave. It was then that I spotted Turk hiding around the corner, motioning wildly for me to ask the question I had forgotten about in Dr. Cox's immediate presence. I turned again unwillingly, sighing. "Dr. Cox, I have a favour to ask -"

"No."

My mouth gaped open. "But… I haven't even asked you yet!"

"I'm aware of that Cindy, but whatever you need I most certainly will _not_ provide."

It was then that I knew how to work it - I didn't know how the idea popped into my head, but I knew it'd work. Somehow. "That's okay, I'll just ask someone else. I don't need you specifically, so…"

He folded his arms, eyes meeting mine. "Oh really? In which case, you won't mind me asking what it is you wanted?"

I pretended that I was hesitating. "No, it's… it's not important. Someone else can help out, I've already had an offer, so -"

He flashed his hand; his imaginary warning light. "I won't ask again, Helena."

Three girls names in less than five minutes - I was on a roll. "Well, we need a place to hold Carla's birthday party next weekend, but I knew you wouldn't be interested anyway, and like I said, I've already had an offer, so…"

The 'warning light' stopped. He folded his arms.

"You can have it at my place."

"But Dr. Cox -"

"You don't have a choice there, Newbie." I tried my best to look disappointed and scared at the same time; it totally worked. He grinned sadistically. It made my stomach roll - but not in the same way it used to. "Have it at mine. Carla's an old friend and it makes sense to have it at mine. Plus it means I can spend the entire evening with you as my personal waiter, seeing as you'll owe me one."

It was a threat; I knew it was a threat. And I loved it. Somewhere in the back of my mind there were thousands of mini-JD's slapping their palms on their heads in frustration that I was purposefully using his sadistic side to an advantage - and not just Turk's. It gave me a thrill to know that he thought he had something over me. It made me wonder what he might do.

My stomach churned again - I was sort of horrified by the way I was starting to view this situation, it sickened me a little… but I couldn't ignore the pull I had towards it. I couldn't ignore the budding curiosity.

Nor could I ignore that it was quite a bit more than that, too.

I forced a look of annoyance before turning and walking towards Turk, the entrance and away from my tormentor -

- only this time, I was a willing tormentee.

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

I forced myself to look away as he walked away.

And grinned.


	14. A Pirate's Life For Me

_**Right. I need to say this now, because I get carried away with writing the next chapter.**_

_**You guys are freaking AWESOME. Do you know how motivational it is to have so much support? More to the point, do you know how much warmth in my tummy that I get from signing into MSN and seeing I have about 14 new e-mails, all from ? You will never know just how much I appreciate all of your reviews, and just how wonderful I think you all are for being so loyal to MUBH.**_

_**I truly and utterly love you. If I lived near you all, I'd bring you all freshly baked cookies and hot chocolate.**_

_**Right! Back to business! Roll on chapter fourteen!**_

**Chapter Fourteen - A Pirate's Life for Me**

_**JD POV**_

Everything was ready. Turk, Elliot and I had spent a week secretly buying decorations, enlisting Laverne's help for food and generally trying to keep everything going smoothly and, all the while, keeping it a secret from Carla.

It was _hard_.

"Why are you guys all huddled up in the corner?"

"Turk, why is there a plastic cutlass under the bed?"

"Did you buy a _bandana_, JD…? But why would Rowdy need a bandana?"

"Is there a reason there's an eye patch on your dresser, Elliot?"

She wouldn't stop! After a while, we began hiding everything in Elliot's spare room in an attempt to keep Carla from discovering her surprise birthday party; luckily Dr. Cox kept quiet about the party in the week leading up to it, dropping no hints and generally acting like he had forgotten about it. I feared that this may actually be the case, so sent him a text the evening before the party. It still gave me a little buzz to be able to contact him so quickly.

_Are you still all right for us to have the party at yours tomorrow night?_

I purposefully left my phone in my room, making myself some dinner (Turk and Carla were out for a pre-birthday meal - "If I take her out, she'll never know!" Turk had explained gleefully that morning) and settling down in front of the TV to watch the back to back episodes of Gilmore Girls that I had recorded a few days before; I got so distracted that by the time I realised I hadn't checked my phone, it had already been two hours. I ran into my bedroom, eagerly picking my cell up - nothing. Disappointed, I took it with me as I settled back in front of the television, getting wrapped up again - within ten minutes, my phone vibrated. Result!

_The Big C (20:50) Damned well better be, don't want to have ruined one of my shirts for nothing._

I laughed, delighted that he was actually dressing up - I hadn't expected him to actually take part in the fun.

_Are you excited?_

_The Big C (21:01) Not right now, Lois, but I'm sure if I tried hard enough I could work up a sweat._

I felt blood rush to my cheeks and… other areas. That hadn't been what I was expecting at all. Was he joking around?

_You working out then?_

His reply came quickly.

_The Big C (21:09) Is that what you like to imagine me doing?_

Oh god. Oh god. Dr. Cox was actually _saying_ these things. Unless it was a joke… maybe someone else had his phone?! The Janitor, he did that kind of thing a lot. I sent a text back.

_Is this actually Perry? Prove it._

I knew he wouldn't have ruined his shirt for a party. I pouted at the television, feeling annoyed and wondering how this impostor would prove themselves.

_The Big C (21:16) Call me Perry again and you'll pay for it. That enough for you?_

I bit my lip. That sounded like him. I decided to take the bull by the horns.

_Will you punish me if I do it again?_

_The Big C (21:22) Like I punished you for your hormonal rant at the club?_

…it was him.

_Yes._

_The Big C (21:29) No, not like that._

Shit, I had taken it too far… oh god, how to pull it back?

_Shove a load of paperwork on my pile at work?_

There we go. Simple and innocent.

_The Big C (21:35) How about I shove you up against a wall?_

The blood rushed… places… again. Should I play along? Was he just mocking me?

_What if I fight back?_

_The Big C (21:40) I'll have to tie your hands behind your back, won't I?_

I gulped, switching off the TV and leapt into my room, slamming the door shut behind me and sitting on the edge of my bed. It really wouldn't do to have Turk and Carla walk in on me with one of the biggest hard-on's I'd had in… forever.

_I always thought you'd be the dominant one_.

_The Big C (21:48) I always thought you'd want to be dominated_.

_I don't usually_.

_The Big C (21:53) Does that mean I can't tie you up, Newbie? Don't disappoint me now, you're usually so good._

This was going too far. Surely he was drunk…

_Have you been drinking?_

_The Big C (22:04) I take it that if I have, you'll stop this little session and go back to being the good little girl that you were before all this started?_

That was a yes.

_I just don't want to be screwed around. You may see this as a big joke, but I've never felt this confused in my life._

_The Big C (22:12) I already told you that I don't want to get all loved up with you. I don't 'love' men._

I ground my teeth.

_I don't want you to love me anyway._

_The Big C (22:22) Then why can't you shut up and let me do what I want with you?_

It was all coming together now; he just wanted to play that fucked up game of Cat and Mouse. That's all I was to him. I felt the rage build up in my chest.

_I give up on you. I don't know why or how, but I had a little hope that you might actually take this seriously. Obviously I'm an idiot._

_The Big C (22:29) You got that right. You can forget anything like that ever happening again, Newbie, 'cos as far as I'm concerned, you'll just end up crying all over your damned scrubs._

I was fuming. Why was it that no matter how long I'd known him, every day he would find a way to upset or anger me? I hated it, hated the emotional control he had over me.

_Fine. You weren't that good anyway._

I quickly switched my phone off and threw it to the other side of the room. My cheeks were red with frustration and my eyes were itchy with irritated tears - what was with me? A pointless question - it was outrageously clear to me that the reason I was getting so frustrated at Dr. Cox was because my feelings were inching past the point of being half-excited, half-disgusted at this new turn of events and instead becoming something far more concerning… not that I loved him. I didn't. I knew what love was, or at least what it was supposed to feel like, and this odd brand of self-loathing and annoyance wasn't it. But it was something. Something and nothing.

But a big kind of nothing.

I made my decision - never again would he get his hands on me. Not tomorrow, not the day after, not the week after that - never. I was untouchable.

Which didn't explain why I fell asleep grinning at the idea of him tying my hands up and shoving me against the wall.

X X X X X

"Okay, Operation Pirate is now in play! Let's go people!"

We all climbed from Turk's mini (all being me, Turk, Laverne and Ted who, for whatever reason, had been roped into helping out) and popped the back open - from within the tiny space we pulled out platters of food, costumes, more decorations - it was insane. This was going to be one party that would go down in the history of amazing parties, and I felt smug knowing that I was a big part of it. John Dorian, Party Planner - they should make a movie about me or something…

I pressed the buzzer to Dr. Cox's flat, hoping against hope that he hadn't decided to be an asshole and changed his mind - the door buzzed back to let us in. I felt my stomach swoop painfully; it would be the first time I'd seen him since we'd had our little argument via text and I wasn't particularly looking forward to it.

We struggled to his door with our load, relieved to find the door already open and music playing - Dr. Cox was nowhere to be seen.

"You go find him," Turk hissed, dumping things on the floor and edging nervously around the sofa. "He won't care if you sneak up on him."

My eyes widened. "You think he wants to see me first?! He hates me at the moment Turk, we're not exactly best friends!" _If only_… "You call for him, he'll answer to you before he answers to me -"

"Relax, children," his voice called from the direction of the bathroom. "I'm getting ready for tonight's horrors. Feel free to put up whatever ridiculous decorations you bought and set out the poisoned edibles that Laverne no doubt made herself."

"Jackass," Laverne muttered under her breath as she wandered over to the long table that had been clearly set up for the occasion. Ted shuffled over to her, mumbling about something or other, and helped her set out the food - Turk and I grabbed the decorations and started placing them about the room. My particular favourite was a banner we'd had made that had Carla's face super-imposed into the middle of it so it looked like she had a pegleg and a parrot on her shoulder - my idea of course. I climbed up onto Dr. Cox's sofa to try and tack it to the ceiling, only to almost fall off when his voice boomed from behind me.

"You leave one mark on my walls and ceilings and you'll be scrubbing them down and re-painting them yourselves."

I didn't reply; I don't think he expected me to. Turk exchanged an eye-roll with me, and continued to put up decorations.

Within half an hour, with a group effort (not Dr. Cox, who was in the bedroom talking to Jordan who would be joining us after having a few pre-drinks on her own) we had all of the decorations and party-gear set up - now all we had to do was get changed.

I made my way to the bathroom, carefully not looking in at the couple in the bedroom, and shut the door. It was steamy in there, reminding me that the last person in here was Dr. Cox, and that he had been naked in the shower - _stop it, Mr. Peeps, stop it!_ - so I rubbed down the mirror with a towel and started to get to work. White shirt? Check. Bandana? Check. Ripped black trousers? Check. Fake hoop earring? Check. Parrot that clips onto my shoulder? Check. And finally… eyeliner - check.

I stepped back out of the bathroom, and found that the apartment had already started to fill with people, some of whom weren't dressed up but most of whom had taken to the theme with aplomb - I found myself warily avoiding the tallest pirate in the room who, despite bushy black beard, was clearly the Janitor. How did he find out?!

I wandered over to Turk who had also adorned an earring (and, I had to admit, looked better with it on than I did) and high-fived him.

"Best idea we've ever had?"

I took a few moments to think.

"It definitely comes close."

"Hell YEAH!" We gave each other the first (and not the last) hug of the evening and set about mingling; I made sure that everyone had Pirate Punch (it had enough sugar in it to get even the most serious person high, and enough alcohol to knock out a horse) and was having a good time, chatting with random people from the hospital and carefully avoiding those I didn't want to speak to - such as the Janitor - and helped myself to food and punch. Eventually the party was in full swing, and I saw the bedroom door open.

Jordan came out first; she looked pretty good in her costume, and I was glad to see that she'd put in the effort. She came over to me and hugged me - I froze - and cried,

"DJ!! This is an AWESOME party, thank you for inviting me!"

"Oh, err, hey Jordan… you been drinking in there?"

She grinned at me, punching me (ow) on the shoulder in what she no doubt thought was a friendly manner. "Noooo! Well, maybe a few doubles but it's not a party if you're not drunk! WOOOO!"

She detached herself from me and made her way over to a group of nurses who looked absolutely terrified by her approach, leaving me to look back towards the bedroom as another figure came out.

My jaw dropped.

Dr. Cox was wearing a white shirt, ripped enough that I could see the contours and edges of his ridiculously good physique; a black waistcoat somehow made him look even more manly despite knowing that if I had attempted the same thing I would've looked far more girly; his trousers were plain black, like mine - not to mention he had what looked like a _real_ cutlass at his side. He hadn't put in a huge amount of effort, but good god, he didn't need to.

At that moment, I literally could not look at anything else.

"Dude, Carla's pulling up at this second!"

I broke out of my reverie and whirled a round - everyone else was looking at me, waiting for a command.

"TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!" I yelled, diving onto the sofa in an attempt to hide. People followed my lead, hiding behind potted plants and counters - Turk waited until he saw that most people were hidden from view, before turning off the lights to Dr. Cox's apartment.

We waited in silence. I was suddenly extremely aware of the very male scent that washed over me, causing my heartbeat to pick up - Jesus, I could _smell_ him from where I was. This was ridiculous…

"Elliot, no way in hell would Dr. Cox have thought your jacket was his."

"Just humour me Carla, you _never_ know!" Elliot's voice was high as she got closer, and I cursed her for being unable to hide her excitement. She knocked. "Dr. Coooox? Are you here? Your doors open, so I'm just going to -"

She pushed the door open and flicked the light switch on - we all threw ourselves up in the air and screamed 'SURPRISE' at the top of our lungs. Carla stared at us for a few seconds. Turk and I exchanged big grins.

"What… what is this?" she said, looking a little dazed. Turk bounded up to her and pulled her into a rib-crushing hug.

"It's your surprise birthday party, baby! Happy birthday!"

"Arrrrrr!" I said in agreement, unable to wipe the stupid smile off of my face. She looked around again before allowing a smile, shaking her head as she leant up to give Turk a kiss.

"You didn't need to go to all of this trouble, Turk," she said softly, kissing him three times before looking around. "None of you did - thank you so much!"

People moved forward to hug her - I'd get to her later. I felt a rush of warmth flood through me at the thought that I had created this, that this party was actually _fun,_ and slid over to the CD player to choose a song.

Before I could get there, the song changed.

'Naughty Girl'.

Oh god.

Instantly my eyes lifted to find Dr. Cox; he was standing over by the bedroom door still, Jordan dancing right up against him - but his eyes were on me. For a moment we stared at each other, the spark of memory between us as well as something more potent and dark - yep, there was no denying it. The mere sound of the song created a haze of sexual tension that wrapped itself like a rope around me.

_NO._

I remembered what I had decided and forced myself to pull my eyes away, picking up the CD case in an attempt to find something else to listen to - it was a CD of the best dance songs. There had to be something else on here that I could listen to that would distract me from him…

X X X X X

"Have you noticed how he keeps looking over at him?"

Carla nodded, sipping her Pirate Punch and watching JD with a small smile. Elliot stood beside her, bopping to the music. "Yeah. More to the point, have you noticed how they're practically circling each other? Dr. Cox might be good at avoiding eye-contact with him but there's no denying that they're getting closer and closer without even meaning to."

Elliot nodded, her cheeks flushed; she'd had too much punch already. She'd found her gaze attracted to the two of them all night and was desperate to talk to her best friend about it. "I feel like we're spying on them. It's kind of… hot."

Carla raised her eyebrow and shook her head at her friend. "Please don't use this as one of your sex fantasies, Elliot. That would be… _so_ wrong."

"I'll try, Carla, but I can't promise anything," she said, her voice high. "Just _look_ at him though, have you ever seen him so… aware of anyone before?"

It was true; just watching JD it was obvious that he was completely and utterly conscious to where Dr. Cox was; his body always seemed slightly turned towards him, even when he was at the other end of the room.

"And Dr. Cox! Look at him, he's finally given in and is looking at him!"

The older doctor's eyes were focused on the younger, more intoxicated one, completely and utterly fixated; it didn't help that somehow the room had become more crowded. The heat was almost unbearable - most people had taken off their layers and were wearing whatever they could get away with; Dr. Cox had removed his hat and JD's bandana was steadily coming loose. The intensity of the former's gaze was undeniable, and it made Carla feel a strange sexual pull at the sight of it.

"I need to find Turk," she said suddenly, putting down her punch and weaving her way through the crowd. Elliot blanched, finding herself alone, and instead moved to the nearest group of people - Ted and his band - and found herself swept up in a heated debate about whether basses or tenors should command more respect.

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

"_He seemed impressed by the way you came in; tell us a story, I know you're not boring -"_

The Strokes played loudly over the heads of everyone in the room; most people were dancing now, drunk or hyper (or in Barbie's case, both) and the room was well and truly packed full of people.

But I was only, could only be aware of one person.

How did he do it? I was pissed at him for how he had been over text message the evening before, and I wanted nothing more than to tear him a new one - but no matter where I found myself in the room, I was always watching him out of the corner of my eye. I watched him now, his cheeks flushed with the heat, his bandana starting to fall off, the stupid grin he had from being both drunk and in the company of others.

I wanted revenge for what he had said.

_You weren't that good anyway._

I waited until he had danced himself close to the bedroom before I stealthily made my way over there, waited until he was no longer talking to people and was instead just grinning to himself in the corner, before I reached out and grabbed him by the wrist. He turned, his eyes widening as he saw who had him.

"Dr. Co-"

I shoved him into the empty room, slamming the door behind me and clicking the key into lock; he stared at me with adrenaline-filled eyes. I grinned crookedly.

"What um," he said, looking around him. "What are you doing?"

I slowly moved towards him. "Not that good, huh?"

He blanched. Understanding dawned in his eyes, followed by fear, followed by a strange resilience I hadn't expected to see. He shook his head.

"I swore to myself I wouldn't let you pull me into any more of your games -"

"I happen to think I'm _rather_ good, Newbie."

"Are you listening to me?" He stretched his arms out in front of him. "I'm not the mouse, a mouse, you know, I'm not… I'm not a mouse for you to play around with."

I reached forward and secured his wrists together; I yanked him forward so that he was against me, before laughing quietly and then pushing him until he fell across the bed. He tried to straight himself up. I stepped closer.

"You can't do this again. I'm leaving. I mean it!" His voice was a little shrill. It annoyed me. "I can get up and leave - I'll tell everyone -"

"If I get my way, Newbie -" I moved forward quickly and pulled him up again, this time shoving him up against my built-in closet, "they won't need telling. They'll hear you over the music."

He gulped.

"Now I can make this easy for you…" I started to undo the belt at my waist - he didn't fail to notice, and took in a quick breath, "and give you the option of being tied up or not."

The kid failed to speak - be it fear or something else, something had his tongue. I couldn't help the grin that slipped onto my lips.

"Or I can just go ahead and do it."

"You can't -"

"I can," I replied in a low voice, keeping my eyes on him; he seemed practically frozen in his place. "I can do what I like to you Newbie because you _owe_ me for this party. So you're going to just shut up and let me do what I want."

For a moment I wondered if that sounded wrong; I knew that if he really struggled, if he really wanted to get out of here, I would let him - but I also knew that what I'd just said sounded like I would physically force him.

I wondered briefly how he would take it. I watched the emotions fly across his face.

I didn't miss the desire.

A low growl emitted from the back of my throat.

"You shouldn't…"

"Maybe I shouldn't," I said, my voice even quieter than before. "Maybe I should let you go back out to that party and enjoy the rest of your night like you wanted to. But…"

I pulled the belt free and grasped it with both hands in front of him.

"I'm not going to."

Moving closer to him, I heard his breath catch in his throat. I felt myself harden at the sound of it.

I saw rather than heard the whisper that fell from his lips.

"Why?"

I finally hesitated. Why? I hadn't thought of that. I hadn't tried to figure out why my form of revenge was undeniably the very kind of action I had sworn to not repeat. I looked at him thoughtfully.

"If I tell you that I have absolutely no idea, will you run away screaming?" I smirked, imagining him doing just that. He wouldn't get further than halfway to the door before I caught him. I found myself liking the idea.

His eyes met mine.

"…why don't you try it and see?"

My own surprise was mirrored in him - he looked just as shocked at his words as I was. I froze for about two seconds… before his words repeated themselves in my mind.

_I'll do just that._

I pushed myself against him, lips crushing his as I felt him half-recoil, half-reach for me - I could taste the sweat on him, salty and strong, and could barely suppress the groan that reverberated through my throat and against his skin as we kissed. I felt the same wave of desire rush through him, a sigh escaping as his tongue slipped out to meet mine, a battle for power, a battle to see who was the cat and who was the mouse - no way in hell was he winning. I grabbed the hands that were starting to slide up the back of my shirt and slammed them behind his back, wrapping the leather belt around his wrists until I could tighten it and secure it - he pulled away, eyes hazy as they found mine, slight disbelief in them at what I had done.

"I told you I'd do it," I whispered raggedly, momentarily caught by his gaze. "Don't pretend like you don't like it, Newbie."

My answer was a pair of lips pressing themselves against mine again, hard; another groan ripped through me and I found my fingers reaching up and ripping the bandana from his head, my fingers automatically running through his soft, messed-up hair and pulling him so his kisses were harder, hotter on mine - god this kid knew how to kiss - before they found their way to the buttons on his shirt. I hardly took the time to undo them properly, practically tearing the material in desperation to get to him. I could feel him struggle against me as he tried to free his own hands to do exactly the same to me, and I felt a grim satisfaction at the knowledge that he couldn't. I pushed the shirt until it was halfway off of him, unable because of the bindings on his wrist to get it off completely.

"Take the damn belt off," he panted, breaking free of the kisses and trying his hardest to get rid of it with all the strength he had. I grinned. "Please, Dr. Cox, get rid of the belt -"

"No," I growled, leaning forward and catching his earlobe with my teeth - he let out a loud moan but I didn't think, didn't care about who might hear it. I bit hard, running my tongue over it before moving down to bite and kiss his throat - I could feel the gentler moans on the edge of my tongue as I trailed it over his skin, lapping up every inch of sweat, knowing that the heat in the room was nothing to do with the bodies outside of it and all to do with what we were doing.

"Please, get it off -"

"Oh, I'll get you off," I laughed quietly, my hands moving to his own belt which I started to remove. I could feel his hard-on, knew he was as hard as I was. "Be patient Newbie. Good things come to those who wait -"

"But I want to _touch you -_"

My hands froze; there was something about the desperation in his tone, something about the pure _need_ that made me suddenly wonder if what I was doing was the right thing. But the thought of it, his hands on me, his hands discovering my body… there wasn't any way I could deny him this…

Growling at him I practically pulled the belt from around his wrists - for a moment he looked at the angry red marks it had left, before practically leaping on me and tearing at my shirt much as I had his. He ripped through the holes already made until it fell around me in a tattered mess - and stopped. Completely. I looked at him, trying to work out just what had made him stop in his frenzy.

A sigh escaped his lips.

"You… are… _so_ hot."

A strange, hiss-like laugh fell from my lips as I shook my head. "Careful Delilah, you're sounding more and more like a girl every second."

Slowly, shutting his eyes for a second, he shook his head. "I don't care. I don't care if I sound like a girl, if I act like a girl -"

His eyes flew open and met mine.

"At least this way you'll be able to pretend."

Not for the first time that night, I froze at his words. Not because he'd pissed me off, nor because the very honesty of what he'd said was almost beyond what I could take - but because what he'd said struck a chord. I struggled with it for a few moments, wanting to go along with it, wanting to agree - but what I replied to him denied me those possibilities. By the time I'd opened my mouth, it was too late.

"I don't need to pretend, Newbie - I want to fuck _you_."

Within seconds, his lips were back on mine and his hands were fumbling with my flies, unzipping me quicker than I'd expected - this pleased me. A _lot_. I was so hard it ached, and if I = no, if _he_ didn't do something soon, I'd lose my mind. I knew it, and soon he would too. Soon he'd see exactly what he had done to me, and despite how much I loathed him for it, at the same time I couldn't imagine being with anyone else at that moment.

I banished the thought.

Instead, I reached forward and deftly whipped the zipper of his trousers down, unhooking them at the top and letting them slide loosely down to his slender hips - I wanted to taste those hips - and put my hands on his waist. His skin was hot, hot from the alcohol, hot from the dancing, hot from what I'd been doing to him. His own hands were struggling with the button that would allow him to get to where he so feverishly wanted to be - I laughed, a deep, breathless laugh, and pulled his hands away. I pushed the button from the hole with ease, before pushing on the trousers so that they slid down my legs.

Again, he looked at me with something akin to worship in his eyes - god, if he kept looking at me like that I wouldn't be able to control myself -

"Mary holy mother of Jesus," he breathed, his eyes flickering to mine and then back in the direction of my erection. "I… you…"

I pinned him against the closet with my left arm, my right one sliding between the gap in his trousers to wrap my fingers around him. If it was even possible, the kid was even harder than he had been at the club… a growl tore its way up my throat and through my clenched teeth. I forced my next words out, too aroused to think straight.

"Are you gonna stare at it all day, or are you actually gonna do something about it?"

He took in a quick breath, his gaze sliding away from me and to the side - _hell no, what did I do?_

Had I scared him off?

Was that such an awful thing?

…

_Yes._

A strange feeling welled up in my stomach, unfamiliar; I lifted my arm from him and used my free hand to gently tilt his head around so that he was facing me. His eyes still avoided mine.

"Newbie."

The recognition flickered in his eyes, but still he wouldn't look at me.

"…JD."

This elicited the right reaction - he finally looked at me, and it revealed that yes, I had scared him. There was vulnerability in his eyes that increased the feeling in my stomach and made me half want to run, and half want to just pull him into my arms. Another thought I banished instantly.

He swallowed. I kept my light grip on his jaw, kept my eyes blazing on his.

"Do you want me to stop?"

_Why are you asking? Just get on with it_!

He shook his head.

"Do you want me to… help?"

The tiniest hesitation, the tiniest nod.

"I've never… only to myself…"

He flushed bright red; it was the most delicious colour I'd ever seen. I leant forward, pressing my lips to his cheek - a seemingly innocent gesture, though to be fair, nothing was innocent at that point - before letting my tongue slide between my lips and touch the heat on his skin. I trailed it down, along his jaw line, along his lips, then back up until I reached his ear - I gently pushed my tongue inside, a harsh breath escaping his lips as I did so, before murmuring, low,

"Just do what I do."

With my once again free hand, I took the wrist of his right hand - so slender, so breakable - and carefully moved it across the air to where my erection was badly hidden in my boxers. Impossibly slow, I pressed myself against his fingers, allowing him to feel me, to feel what he had done to me; I figured I'd need to go slow, ease him into it. His eyes shut, tight, but his fingers… his fingers gradually wrapped themselves around the swell of me, or as much as he could - without being arrogant (who am I kidding?), I was hardly average in that department. I heard the stuttered release of air from his lungs, felt his body start to lean away as he allowed himself to hold me firmly in his grasp.

His touch made me want to hit him. It wasn't that it felt bad, nor did it make me feel like I was doing something wrong - on the contrary, the feel of his hand, a larger hand than Jordan's, than of any other woman I'd been with felt _shockingly_ good. Better still when he began to move it slightly, before he finally hesitated again and stopped.

His eyes opened again. A whisper.

"Show me."

"Wait."

I'd done this before, with his trousers and underwear on - I wanted them off. I wanted to do it properly. I wanted him naked, in front of me, powerless to stop me - as powerless as I felt at that moment to stop. I released him from my grasp, my fingertips instead reaching out and pushing at the waistband of his trousers as I had done with mine, watching them fall to the ground. I grinned that crooked grin again.

"Take 'em off, Newbie."

He didn't pretend to misunderstand; he let go of me and slid his thumbs into the waistband of his boxers, only pausing for a second before pushing them down his legs - slender, like the rest of him - and standing back up, revealing himself completely to me.

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe I was just fucked up in the head, but at that moment… at that moment, he was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen in my life.

_Another_ banished thought.

"C'mere," I growled, taking barely any time to carefully take off my own boxers before moving over to him and instantly wrapping a hand around his hard penis, needing to do this. Not only was I incredibly turned on, my apartment was also full of people who would start to wonder where two of the hosts had disappeared to - one of them being my long-term partner.

_You'll regret this tomorrow_.

The thought was interrupted by Newbie's trembling hand sliding over the length of me - he gripped me, softer than I gripped him but understandably - and looked at me once more for guidance.

I slid my thumb over the tip of him.

There was no suppressing the grin that appeared as his knees buckled slightly and he let out a loud moan.

"Don't look so smug," he said breathlessly, returning the favour - the sensation was immense. It was nothing like any time before; all of the women I'd been with had been experienced, knowing what to do without a second thought… Newbie was clueless, other than what he knew to do for himself. He had no idea the power that he held in his palm - literally - and that, for whatever reason, made the groan that came out even louder and more intense than it should've been.

"It's not a competition, Newbie," I murmured, my voice gruff - but began moving my hand up and down over him. He whimpered - and I waited to call him a girl's name, but for whatever reason found myself incapable of doing so - which inspired me to do something I sometimes did for myself. I put my thumb, my index finger and my middle finger into my mouth, running my tongue over them (my erection twitching at the deep taste of him) before bringing them back down to his penis, sliding them over the tip of his erection and bringing with it the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard -

"You bastard," he gasped, throwing his head back so that it collided with the closet. He didn't seem to notice. He gripped me harder, moving his hand as steadily as he could until he found a rhythm that suited him - and me. I took in deep breaths (I wasn't a naturally loud person, though I knew as the pleasure built up that it would be difficult keeping my happy ending quiet) and moved my own larger hand over him, my left arm moving to lean against the closet doors as he brought me closer to the edge… it wasn't that he was particularly good at it, but every time he moved his hand, every time his breathing hitched or a moan escaped it just drove me so close to finishing that I had to support myself -

"Oh please make me come, please make me come, don't stop -" he was panting, a drop of sweat rolling from his forehead down his cheek; I leant forward and claimed it with my tongue. " - if you stop I'll die, you can't, please -"

"Why the _hell_ would I stop?" I breathed against the skin of his neck, almost violently jerking him off, my strokes harder than before, my moving hands urging him to come. I was getting close, too close, and I wanted it to be a joint ending, I wanted us to come together…

"Oh god, yes… yes…"

I wanted to mock him, wanted to call him Lily or Petunia or some other pansy name but for the life of me, I couldn't - I was wrapped up in his movements, the increased heart-rate, the heat of the room…

"I'm going to… Perry, I'm going to come -"

_Perry?!_

With a roar, I moved my hand fiercely on him as I felt myself break, hotness spurting from me and into his skin, his stomach, his chest, his arms - suddenly he cried out, my name, my first name, again and again, repeating it loudly, almost a shout until he finally collapsed against me, his forehead on my shoulder like last time, his sweat mixing with mine. I knew there was stuff on the floor, I knew I'd just cheated on Jordan, I knew so many things at that moment but _that moment_ was all I could focus on.

His breathing still ragged, I felt his lips move on my shoulder - at first I assumed he was kissing it, but after a while I realised what he was actually saying.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm_ sorry_…"

I pushed him up, forced him to look at me. I wasn't in the mood for apologies for what had just happened. "Now what in gods stupid ass name are you apologising for?"

He refused to look at me - again.

My stomach clenched.

"I called you… Perry."

I grimaced. "I noticed."

Newbie's eyes narrowed. "You said that if -"

"- if you called me Perry, I'd make you pay?"

He nodded.

For what felt like minutes, we stared at each other, waiting for me to answer - him waiting for it to be spoken aloud, me waiting for it to actually form in my mind.

But it was too late.

I leant forward, brushing my lips against his earlobe. He shuddered, his hands suddenly grasping my hips.

"I meant every word."

X X X X X

_**JD POV**_

When I eventually emerged from the room I could barely consider Dr. Cox's AND Jordan's, the room had started to clear. Carla and Turk danced slowly over by the stereo, with Elliot watching them enviously from the corner. I wondered idly why Shaun wasn't here, but in all honesty I didn't care enough to ask - I had more important things on my mind. No one seemed to notice me leaving, so for the moment I didn't have to worry about people asking me questions.

I skipped across the room to where the bowl of punch had been severely attacked by the drunken guests who had all but vamoosed - I ladled myself a small cup, and sipped aimlessly - I was too busy waiting.

I didn't have to wait long - the bedroom door opened and from it walked my mentor, redressed in the same trousers but, obviously, a new shirt - still white, but obviously a different one. My own shirt was covered by his waistcoat which he had given me to wear, muttering that no one would notice. I hoped he was right. Even if he wasn't, though, it was wonderful to wear something that was blatantly his, the scent of him radiating around me and making me feel warm and wonderful - _oh crap_.

This was bad.

I was acting like a teenage girl with her boyfriends jersey.

_Arrgh_.

From across the room he looked at me, his eyes meeting mine before anyone elses in the room.

He grinned.

Crookedly.

…

My heart raced.

…

_Oh no._


	15. Clandestine

_**Here it is, folks; the long awaited Chapter Fifteen! JOY! As ever, hope you like it. Reviews are SO appreciated it's unreal. The amount for Chapter Fourteen was… immense. LOVE TO YOU.**_

**Chapter Fifteen - Clandestine**

_**JD POV**_

I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache, an unfamiliar piece of material on my skin and a smile on my lips. A strange combination, but it felt good. Even the headache…

Particularly when I looked at my cell.

_The Big C (09:51) I hate to say it Newbie, but I slept like a log last night._

It was sent over an hour ago… I felt a delicious rush of surprise that he had sent me a text unprompted. Instantly my fingertips went to work.

_And why would that be?_

_The Big C (11:02) I can't say for sure, but I'm relatively sure it's something to do with the 'events' of last night._

I grinned gleefully, the sun shining on my skin despite the storm raging outside of my window.

_Oh REALLY? Hmmm, sounds like you had a good night._

_The Big C (11:10) Not bad at all. A certain half an hour sticks out in my mind._

My stomach jumped at the mention of it.

_Why Dr. Cox, could you possibly be referring to… no, I won't say it. I'll just let you think about it._

_The Big C (11:19) Could you enjoy this any more?_

I shook my head, grin even wider despite feeling that it might break my face.

_Depends._

_The Big C (11:25) On…?_

_On what happens next._

_The Big C (11:29) On call room on the third floor, 8am._

My hands shook slightly as I replied.

_I don't start until nine._

_The Big C (11:35) Gives us just enough time then._

Oh god, why was my heart racing so fast? Yes, our… well, not relationship but whatever you wanted to call it had certainly crept up a notch but it's not like we were dating. We weren't in a relationship, we weren't 'exclusive', weren't in love…

My heart hit against my chest hard enough to hurt.

I wasn't in love with him… but did that genuinely mean I didn't _love_ him at all? I tried to push the possibility out of my head but it was too late; already I felt the ache of missing him, missing his company, his crooked grin, the way his eyes flashed when he looked at me - but that was okay, right? I missed Turk when we didn't spend time together. Then again, I didn't exactly _ache_ from it. I just… appreciated it when I spent time with him.

No, this kind of missing someone was definitely different. I tried to think of how I'd felt when Elliot and I were dating, or when I'd had feelings for her - yeah, sometimes it had ached, but mostly I'd just ached for the companionship, for the feeling of _being_ with someone in that way whereas now… now all I could think of was how much I missed Dr. Cox. Perry. I smiled idly as I remembered the promise of punishment for using his name the night before.

So where did this leave me? I missed him. Big deal. Still, as I tried to define my feelings I couldn't help but acknowledge how strong they had become. All I could think about was him, seeing him tomorrow, working with him, simply _being_ with him. I shut my eyes and pressed my palms into them but it just made the images stronger, of how he had looked when he'd first dragged me into the room, how his expression had completely changed when I'd shown the first signs of fear when he'd prompted me to touch him as he wanted to touch me… I was probably wrong, but the way he'd looked just seemed so _caring_, like it made him feel something other than his hazed lust when he'd seen my own emotions spasm. Like maybe he actually didn't want to hurt or upset me.

Like he truly gave a damn about more than just the sexual thrill of it all.

My phone suddenly went off in my hand.

_The Big C (11:57) Getting too real for you, Newbie?_

Yes, it was… not in the way that I imagined he'd be assuming though. He probably thought that sneaking around, being sexual with a man, those sorts of things were bothering me but the truth of it - the truth that I truly did not want to admit - was that he made me feel something completely unfamiliar, something so strong and intense that no one had ever inspired in me before, and _that_ was what was becoming too real for me. The possibility of wanting to be more than just a whirlwind sexual experience, the prospect of wanting more from him -

The very real possibility that I could fall in love with him.

"JD? JD, are you awake?"

Carla's voice was quiet outside of my door - I wanted to ignore her, to be honest, to lay in my bed and think of all of the things I knew I shouldn't but…

"Yeah - what's up?"

She gently opened the door, sliding in and shutting it again; she was still in her pyjamas, a cup of something hot in her hands (I quite happily accepted it as she held it out to me - god knows I needed something in my system other than alcohol) and a concerned expression. This did not deplete as she gazed upon the waistcoat that I still wore, the one that clearly did not belong to me.

She sat on the edge of my bed.

"What are you doing?"

I didn't pretend to misunderstand. "I honestly don't know."

"He's practically married to Jordan, has a child with her… I know you have feelings for him JD, but you need to step back -"

"I know, I know," I muttered, pressing my palms into my eyes again. "I've just started accepting these stupid feelings and now I can't seem to think of anything else! The worst part of it is, Dr. Cox probably doesn't feel the same as I do."

Carla rolled her eyes. "You think that's the worst thing? You'd do better to think of it as the _best _thing! You're so focused right now on how _you_ feel that you're not even considering what it would do to Jordan if she found out."

My tired eyes met hers. "I can't help it, Carla. I can't think straight."

A smile twitched on her lips; I inwardly cursed my phrasing.

"What I mean is… arrgh, I can't even explain it! Before now it was just a thrill - and a pain in the ass, but mostly just the thrill of not knowing what was going on and constantly being on edge but now it's like I… like I…"

"Love him?"

"NO!" I yelled, covering my mouth when she shushed me urgently; Turk must have been in the living room. "No, I don't love him, at least I'm not _in_ love with him… but yeah, my feelings are really strong! As in, _stupidly_ strong, so strong that I can't think of anything but him, missing him, wanting him, and it's just… ARRGH."

Her responding smile was gentle, fond and somewhat sympathetic - it made my stomach twist. I knew what that smile meant.

"You think I should make sure nothing like… _that_ ever happens again, right?"

Carla hesitated.

"I… think that you need to decipher what it is that Dr. Cox wants, how far he's willing to go."

I blushed, finding it not at all difficult to remember how far we'd already gone. She rolled her eyes.

"Not like that, Bambi. What I mean is… you need to find out what this is to him. Whether it's just a quick fling, sex, nothing else attached, or if there's some possibility of it become _more_ than that… if he'd be willing to break up his family to be with you. That kind of thing."

I shook my head, slowly at first but steadily it became more like I was trying to shake the words from my head than agreeing or disagreeing with what she was saying. "I don't want that, Carla. I don't want to ruin his or anyone else's life."

Her hand on mine was warm, comforting. "I know you don't. I doubt he's even thought that far ahead, but it's your responsibility now - he's not thinking about the future or about the possibility of real feelings. Someone has to, and in this instance I'm thinking it's going to have to be you."

My eyes shut of their own accord at the mere thought of bringing up the subject. "Do you think I have to do it right away?"

She looked at me for a few moments, thoughtful, before she squeezed my hand lightly and shrugged.

"That's your call, JD. Not mine."

_Damn_. I hated when people said things like that. How was I supposed to know what the right thing to do was? Then again, that was a stupid thought in itself; I knew what the _right_ thing was. I just didn't want to do it.

I pulled my hand away from hers and stood up. "You know, I don't think it's even going to last that long. It's probably nothing to worry about."

Carla shrugged again, standing beside me. "Whatever you say, Bambi. I've got to get ready for work." She patted my shoulder, before turning and slipping out of my room, shutting the door quietly behind her. I sat down again.

My phone buzzed.

_The Big C (12:16) It's your call, kid._

**X X X X X**

It was 7:50. I was alone in the on call room, sitting on the very edge of one of the beds, legs bouncing up and down nervously. Three times now I'd stood up and ventured out into the hallway, planning to just get on with my day and therefore making it plain that I didn't want this 'thing' to go on any further - but each time I'd get to the nurses station and turn back. Whether I liked it or not, my head wasn't winning this battle.

That did, however, make me slightly disturbed at the choice my heart seemed to be making.

My muscles tensed, preparing to stand up and leave for the fourth time when the door flew open; wearing dark blue scrubs trousers, a similarly coloured t-shirt and, of course, his white coat with the sleeves pushed up his strong forearms, he strode in without looking at me, turned, shut the door and then took two long strides to reach me where I still sat.

"C'mere," he growled, grabbing me by the front of my scrubs and literally pulling me up until my lips met his - my heart skipped a few beats, leaving me breathless once the whole sequence had caught up with me. Rather than stop the kiss and calmly talk to him about our 'situation' as I had planned to do, I found my hands reaching up and grasping his head between them, my fingers knotting into his hair and holding on tightly as I forced my lips even harder against his. This flame, this literal firework in the pits of my stomach (and lower) was burning right through me, heating me from the inside and making me feel that I would explode if he stopped kissing me, stopped searching for the bottom of my scrubs top and eventually managing to connect the warm, rough skin of his hands with the warmer still skin of my back, urging me closer… _god_, it was like a drug.

"You're early," he muttered against my lips between kisses; we'd been so wrapped up in our lip movements that we'd managed to stumble halfway across the room. He manoeuvred me so that as he pushed his chest against mine we stumbled back to where we had been - my legs hit the edge of the bed and I let my body fall back, my back landing on the firm mattress as he fell with me. He landed on top of me, his hands just managing to stop him from completely winding me, forcing my words to come out breathlessly -

"I missed you."

He tensed, motionless, just the sound of our loud breathing in the quiet room as my heart hammered hard, as it always seemed to do no matter what we were doing so long as he was near me. His eyes pierced through mine, our chests rising and falling in unison as the words I had let escape seemed to encase our bodies in an invisible barrier. I regretted what I'd said with a cold realisation that I had said something extremely inappropriate to what this 'arrangement' was about, particularly as he shifted so that his weight was even less of a pressure on my body.

I shut my eyes against his gaze and the frustration at yet another mistake I had made, all fire and flame burnt out in my body.

Finally, he pushed himself up and off of me completely, standing up and walking towards the door. I sat up, feeling the iron-heavy weight of panic start to build. "No, Dr. Cox, don't -"

He whirled, hands reaching up to rest on his head. "I shouldn't have let it go this far, kid. I should have realised where this was headed and I'm sorry, I truly am… but I'm going to walk out of this door and we're never going to speak of any of… of _this_ again." His eyes were resigned. The panic turned into dread, hollow and somehow more uncomfortable than the panic.

I had two choices: I could either let him walk out, forget whatever we'd started and force myself to move on from feelings that would no doubt just end up in getting me verbally and emotionally broken down into pieces… _or_ I could lie, keep up the charade that I was still as emotionally uninvolved as he was - yes, I liked that idea! I took barely any time in making the decision, knowing with a little fizz of excitement in my stomach that I could still have him, still have his presence in my life outside of the hospital whilst keeping up the pretence that it was nothing more than physical gratification.

Time to put those acting classes in college to good use.

"What're you talking about? It hasn't gone _anywhere_, or at least nowhere that we have to avoid."

His hands slowly slid back down to his sides. "You don't say you miss people when it's just about a meaningless release, Newbie."

Pain pierced me at his definition of what had been happening between us, but that was unimportant - _it had to be unimportant_. Nothing was more important than salvaging what I could, no matter the cost.

"It just slipped out." I shrugged, shifting the importance and truth of what I had said to the floor and discarding it. "What I meant to say is that I'd missed _this_."

Dr. Cox's eyes narrowed slightly. "And what, in your head, is _this_?"

I looked at him, forcing myself not to waver, forcing my gaze not to flicker and reveal that this nonchalance was a complete and utter sham. I pushed the word out.

"Temporary."

_**Dr Cox POV**_

I hissed a sigh of relief through my teeth. For a few seconds I had questioned his offhand manner, wondered how he had gone from intense to casual in mere seconds - I knew that I hadn't imagined the look of frustration when he'd realised he'd ruined the admittedly enjoyable moment from before - but there was a part of me that wanted to believe him. I looked at him for a few moments more, analysing his body language - slightly tense but generally relaxed - and focusing hard on his eyes… they were always a dead giveaway. Out of anything he had no control over, it was his eyes. Always had been.

I waited a moment longer, knowing from experience that leaving a silence for longer than necessary usually broke through any amateur liar's story, and was rewarded for my uncharacteristic patience; slowly, and probably subconsciously, his left hand twitched slightly, smoothing down a crease that wasn't there on the bedcover. Maybe it was a simple tiny body malfunction but I was almost sure that he -

"Dr. Cox -!"

An intern threw themselves into the room, hair unkempt and eyes wide; in the background I could hear the sound of a patient coding. I tore my eyes from Newbie and headed out of the door instantly - I knew my priorities. If anything, they at least were still clear to me.

**X X X X X**

_Joanna (15:42) Can we meet up on your next break?_

I sighed, flipping my phone shut. I knew I was due a break, seeing as I hadn't had one and I'd been working for over six hours, but knowing that if I took one I'd have to talk to Newbie…

"Aw dammit," I cursed under my breath, flipping the phone back open and quickly typing out a reply.

_Am heading to the cafeteria now._

_Joanna (15:47) Somewhere less public?_

Momentarily I considered the idea that he wanted to pick up where we _should_ have left off had he not made the re-he-heally stupid mistake of saying something hideously inappropriate. I changed my course of direction to the on call room on this floor, shaking my head in disbelief at myself.

_On call room, 5__th__ floor._

_Joanna (15:50) On my way._

The moment he pushed the door open and had taken one step inside he began jabbering away, pacing back and forth in front of me and waving his hands around.

_He definitely took some acting classes in college._

"I know that you're worried that this is going to get complicated and everything, but I want you to know that it's not going to be an issue. We are, as we've always been, mentor and mentee -"

I snorted in disagreement. "We've never been that, Newbie, let's have no delusions here."

"Okay, fine, I'm flexible with titles," he said hastily, waving his hands even more flamboyantly to brush off the unimportant detail. "I just need you to know that we're on the same page and that we both want the same things out of this."

"Elaborate."

His pacing seemed to slow slightly. "Purely physical. Hastened meetings in empty rooms, sneaking around, whatever you want -"

"Waaaait a minute," I interrupted, raising my hands in front of me to stop him from his fast-paced ramblings. "As much as I hate to give you this kind of freedom of choice, this isn't just about what _I_ want here. What do _you_ want?"

His pacing stilled, his eyes shifting to mine rapidly, before slipping away and focusing on nothing. Pacing once again. "I want what you want. No frills attached, just getting a meaningless release."

Parroting my phrase from earlier - the kid was an awful liar. "Right. So you want to just screw around? A quick hand-job when we can manage it? Nothing more, no feelings, no romance, no meaning whatsoever?"

The veneer he had put up earlier was fading, visible in the way his shoulders hunched slightly as I hammered the point home.

"Yeah. That… that's what I want."

I nodded. "That way no one gets hurt, right? Jordan doesn't need to know, she does it often enough. Jack'll still have a Dad that loves him, and my partner will still have someone who loves her by her side, the only difference being I'm getting it out of my system without her having to know."

His steps slowed and his eyes met mine, surprise lining his gaze. "Yes, yeah, exactly. I want what you said, for those reasons exactly."

Frustration like lava tipped over the edge of my patience. "Damn it to hell, Newbie, I don't mean any of those things. We _don't_ want the same things, because we're sure as hell doing them for different reasons!"

He blanched.

"But I _don't_ want anyone to get hurt -"

"Well neither do I, you moron, but that doesn't mean they're my reasons for keeping it simple!"

Whatever colour he had in his cheeks faded quickly, leaving him pale, clearly dreading my next words and it was that, more than anything else he'd said or done that day that made me realise what was going on in his head, of the reasons behind his lying and false calm. A mixture of horror and annoyance flooded through me, making itself known through the weariness that took over.

I knew what I had to do.

"I'm not _capable_ of having any more feelings for you, Joanna. I'm not capable because I already _have_ those feelings for someone, and that someone I happen to have a child with. And not only am I not capable," I continued, frowning, knowing that what I was about to say would do the trick, "I don't _want_ to feel anything for you. I do this because it's a quick and easy way to get a happy ending. You do a _wonderful_ job, you truly do, but that's all it is."

His voice was so quiet that I could barely hear him. "That's all _I_ want."

I snorted. "Sure it is. That's why you've been lying and trying to convince me to keep our little soirée going. And yes, your lies really are that transparent," I informed him - not that he needed telling. He didn't seem surprised. "So don't bother with it in future. It's entertaining, but gets a little annoying after a while."

Newbie's chin suddenly rose slightly - what was this, defiance? Determination? I brushed my finger over my nose and folded my arms, eyebrow raised as I waited to hear what he had to say. What he did say… well, somehow, it surprised me. Don't ask me how, but… it did.

"Look, the fact is that neither of us can read the other's mind. I can never truly know what you're thinking, just as you can't prove whatever you think I'm in this whole situation for, so… can we just agree to disagree and get on with it?" He stared at me, intense and unwavering. I didn't like it much; Newbie asserting any sort of power over me was annoying to say the least. "By that I mean, yeah, it's fine, let's be fuck-buddies and not aim for anything more. We'll keep it short, sweet and temporary. I'm fine with that," - he spread his hands out in front of him to drive the point home, "so long as you're fine with it."

I eyed him from across the room. He seemed serious enough, and there was a resolution beneath his tone that I couldn't quite understand, and that I knew I probably never would. I watched as he stepped towards me, hand out in front of him. It only shook a little bit as he asked, eyes focused on mine -

"Yes or no?"

An underlying thread of arrogance made its way to my ears from his voice. I didn't like that either. Did he think he was holding the power now? Was he honestly 'taking control of the situation'?

_Like I'll play it your way, kid._

I didn't move. His hand pulled back slightly, before he forced it forward again, closer to me this time.

"Do you want to be fuck-buddies or not?" A bit of frustration now, and the tiniest hint of sarcasm. I laughed low under my breath; it was like watching a seven year old pretend to be a thirty year old. Amusing but ridiculous. I shook my head.

His hand fell to his side.

"No?"

_**JD POV**_

I had to admit, I knew I was getting a rise out of him, knew I was pissing him off a bit and I kind of liked it. I knew he held the cards, and, though I'd never truly let him know how I really felt - or was beginning to feel - for him, he held the very fragile strands of my happiness in his grasp, yet it was fun to pretend otherwise. Like it or not, I _did_ sort of have some power in this. True, I wasn't exactly power_ful_ but I had something. He wanted me enough that I had _something_.

But then he shook his head.

I repeated my confusion. "…no? You don't want me to be your fuck-buddy?"

"You sure have a lot of attitude today, Matilda."

I blinked. "That, err, doesn't answer -"

"I know it doesn't, I'm not stupid. Besides, you know the answer to that question already, but only so long as you play along with _my_ rules."

I knew what they were. I'd already broken them, or was on my way to breaking them - not that he had to know that. "Right. Yeah. Well… so."

"So." He smirked.

"What now?"

"Well -" he looked at his watch. "You've had your fifteen minutes."

I nodded. It felt odd… even though we'd made it official - our little temporary physical situation - I still felt that something wasn't sorted. That there were things left unsaid.

Like maybe, 'Hey, Dr. Cox - just to let you know that there's a high chance that I might fall in love with you. Just a heads up.'

My stomach clenched just thinking about it.

"Newbie."

I focused my eyes, pulling myself out of my reverie only to find him standing close enough that I could easily touch him.

"Yeah, I… I should go then."

He chuckled. "That's not… quite what I had in mind."

"But you said I had fift-"

"If this is going to work, you need to learn when you shut your damned mouth."

With that, his lips covered mine.

**X X X X X**

The next three weeks flew by in a series of mind-blowing moments; they were all I lived for, our little sojourns in a supply closet, an on call room, the doctor's lounge, one very nerve-wracking but equally brilliant time in Dr. Kelso's office - it was all like a crazy dream that I hadn't woken up from yet, and I knew that this dream had a time limit to it. Every time I got paged somewhere, or found a text on my phone reading something along the lines of '_Five minutes in the doctor's lounge if you get there now'_ or even _'Rooftop. Now.'_ - it was insanity. Carla stopped bringing it up with me, either through sheer annoyance at the fact that I hadn't yet broken it off or because she felt I had the situation under control -

Yeah, I really didn't.

I tried in the first week to convince myself that my feelings were the same as his, that my missing him, my want and need of him was purely sexual. As he pinned me up against walls and threw me onto desks I forced myself to focus wholly on the sensations he brought about through touching me rather than taking notice of the way he looked at me, the words he spoke to me in-between the hotter and heavier moments. It would be fair to say that it _almost _worked, but in managing that I found I was missing something. Yes, the moments were unbelievably good and suffice it to say I'd never, _ever_ been so physically aware of someone before - I'd discovered that him just looking at me in a certain way gave me an erection (not good when you're wearing scrubs that barely conceal anything) - but something felt wrong to me. Like when you need to crack your knuckles because they feel odd, or when you need to shake your legs to make something click back into place properly.

In the second week I decided to slowly introduce the idea of accepting my own feelings when we were doing things. I started out by just watching the way his eyes changed colour when he came towards me with that _look_, or how he could go from rough and fast movements to more gentle and slow. _That_ was one of my favourite things, the way he did that; he'd be moving his hand over me so fast, so hard that I came so close to coming - but then without warning, he'd slow down, dragging it out, lightly brushing the tip of his thumb over me so that my knees would threaten to give way… but my favourite part of that?

The way he _looked_ at me. His gaze become so focused, so intense when he slowed down, looking into my eyes, watching my pupils dilate, watching the way I reacted to his ministrations. I would always naturally close my eyes as he brought me right to the edge, but every time, every time he would murmur hoarsely,

"Look at me."

And I would. I'd force myself to open my eyes and focus on him as the moans turned far more guttural and impossible to quieten so that he would have the pleasure of knowing I was looking at him whilst he made me come, looking at him as I gave up the sexual struggle against his strong, talented hands - surrendering to him, I think he saw it as. I didn't just do it for him though. When I closed my eyes, it could be anyone doing those things to me but with them open I couldn't fail to identify the long, slow strokes on my aching erection as him. There was no mistake.

That was when everything started falling into place. The third week gave way to my feelings in a way I wasn't prepared for, truly forcing me to accept them - and the fact that I loved him. I still wasn't _in_ love, as that wasn't a luxury I could afford whilst he was in love with someone else, but it was enough just to fall asleep at night knowing I had someone to love, that someone being the one person I'd wanted attention from at the very beginning - I'd just never in my weirdest and wildest dreams imagined I'd get attention from him in the way that I was. I'd never thought we'd be sex-buddies.

Course, it turned out that 'sex' was a variable word - it was the one thing that he didn't want to do which I, of course, didn't find out until the situation presented itself. We were lying on a bed in the on call room, our lips working away as our hands found themselves in other places, when suddenly he rolled so that I was on top of him. He ground his hips against mine, causing sensations that made my eyes roll into the back of my head - I tentatively did the same back, which led to him practically ripping off my scrubs trousers and pushing his own down. We moved against each other some more, before his sex-fuelled growl told me to take my lips down south. This wasn't something new, and it was something that I was apparently quite good at - at least, it never took longer than ten minutes for him to come whilst I was doing it, and considering how long he could go for sometimes I took this as a good thing.

After a few minutes he brought me back up to him, rolling me over onto my back and repaying the favour - some days I liked it and others I didn't, but that day was one of those where I couldn't _help_ but love it. His big hands grasped my hips as he slid his tongue over me, his lips working magic - within about three minutes I was writhing underneath him, gasping, before I cried out the phrase -

"_Fuck me!_"

Instantly he had stopped, moving away and pulling up his underwear and scrubs trousers. For a few moments I assumed that I had been too loud and that he was preparing himself just in case someone decided to investigate - until he looked at me briefly.

"I hope that was just you getting carried away with your words, kid."

I was instantly confused. "What do you mean?"

His hands were deftly tying the top of his scrubs into a knot. "What you just uttered is something we're _never_ going to be doing. You understand?"

I flushed red, remembering the embarrassingly loud 'fuck me'. Then I realised what he meant.

"You… don't want to have sex? As in, in the way that guys -"

"No need to go into detail, Yolanda, and yes, that is exactly what I mean. I don't do that. I don't want to do that with you."

I had understood; there was a definite hesitation and taboo about the idea of it, and even I in my emotional 'I want everything I can get from him' state wasn't sure I wanted _that_. "I get it."

He looked at me again. "I don't think you do, Newbie. The reason I don't want to do it is because, as a rule, I only have sex with people I intend to become serious with or am _already_ serious with. You, of course, do _not_ come under either of those categories."

I threw the barriers up instantly. "No, I know that. That's cool, I have fun with what we do anyway."

Dr. Cox nodded, a quick head movement that let me breathe a sigh of relief that he wasn't going to question whether I really meant that or not.

So. THAT was how I found out that we wouldn't be having sex.

I made my way home on the Saturday of the third week feeling slightly dreamy, only half-aware of the traffic around me, on auto-pilot up to the point where I reached my apartment, only truly coming back from whatever world I was lost in as I saw Carla rushing around the apartment, putting in earrings and quite frankly looking stunning in a deep red dress that made her curvy figure look -

"Dude, stop checking out my woman!" Turk came up behind me and slapped me on the back, hastily working out his tie as he too tried to get ready for an event I was unfamiliar with. Or was I…

"JD, hurry up and get ready, we're going to be late!"

Carla was slipping on some shoes as she barked her orders at me, making me feel panicky - but late for what? What had I forgotten?

"Dinner with Dr. Cox, Jordan, Elliot and Shaun?"

Damn, I'd completely forgotten! Carla's new obsession was going out with other couples, and I'd stupidly agreed to go despite being single. She'd taken pity on me, knowing I'd just be at home moping about being alone, and to placate her I'd agreed… damn, damn, damn!

"Y'know I don't really want -"

"GET DRESSED!"

Her tone left me no choice - I leapt towards the door of my bedroom, throwing my rucksack and coat to the floor and throwing open the chest of drawers. Dinner clothes, dinner clothes… Turk was wearing a shirt and tie, so wherever we were going was definitely not a place to wear something casual. Arrgh, why did I say yes?! It was going to be awkward as hell, and not only because I'd be surrounded by couples… the thought of seeing Dr. Cox and Jordan together made my stomach clench uncomfortably. Could I plead off with feeling ill?

I knew the answer to that. With a frustrated sigh, I took out a black shirt and a pair of my smarter black trousers, hesitating between a black tie and a deep green one -

"The green one Bambi, now get moving!"

ARRGH, the witch was in my head! I hastily de-scrubbed myself and hopped into the shirt and trousers, grabbing a pair of black shoes from underneath my bed and running out of my door. I cursed, leaping back to get my cell and being reprimanded with a screech that sounded something like 'WE'RE LEAVING NOW!" from the doorway of the apartment.

_STRESS!!!!!!_

By the time we'd got to the car, I was so tense from simply having to get ready that I'd completely forgotten the reason I didn't want to go.

Until my phone went off.

_The Big C (19:48) See you in ten, Newbie._


	16. Young and Single

_What's this? Another update so soon after the last? Why, yes! Teehee. Hope you enjoyed the fifteenth chapter, and that this one is as interesting as I intend it to be. LOVE!_

**Chapter Sixteen - Young and Single**

_**JD POV**_

They were all gathered at the bar when we arrived, waiting for seats to become available - Carla headed over with her apologies spilling out, shooting me a look that clearly said 'yeah, he's the one you should blame'. I rolled my eyes and grinned, shaking Shaun's hand, kissing Elliot on the cheek and nodding my greeting to Dr. Cox and Jordan, maintaining eye-contact with the former for as short amount of time as I could manage. He barely acknowledged me as he would have done way before things 'happened', so I wasn't particularly put out by his lack of interest.

"So, JD," Shaun said, a friendly smile on his face as he took a sip of his diet coke. "How's life? It's been a while since I last saw you."

I shrugged, motioning to Turk to get me the usual Appletini. "It's not too bad. Patients to take care of, Rowdy to look after, you know, the usual. How about you, things still going okay with the dolphins?"

He took my slight jab at his career with a pinch of salt. "Yeah, nothing changes much. Y'know how it is."

I didn't, not having worked with water mammals myself, but I simply nodded and took a sip of the wonderfully made Appletini that Turk handed to me. _Mmmm. Apple-tastic._ Carla and Jordan were talking about god knows what, in that hushed way that women do when they don't want anyone else to hear what they're discussing - Dr. Cox stood motionless, looking both incredibly bored and incredibly… yum.

I recognised the black shirt he was wearing - the same one that he wore to that nightclub where things first got properly heated - and matched with the black trousers we looked pretty much the same… well, apart from the fact that he was a god and I was his bit on the side that wasn't much to look at (who was I kidding, I knew I looked good in this shirt). He caught me looking at him - nothing in his facial expression changed to show that he acknowledged the change in our relationship these past three weeks, but I knew that was normal, you had to know where to look. First, I focused on his eyes - yup, there was that little ember of _I want_ smouldering at the edge of his irises; my stomach jolted slightly just at the thought of it. I flushed a little.

Next my eyes drifted to his hands - one was holding his bottle of beer, grasping it tight (a little too tight, that was a definite sign) and the other was in his pocket, jingling around with his keys and loose change (another sign that he was slightly edgy, no doubt brought on by my appearance).

I couldn't help it. Knowing the effect I was having on him and knowing he couldn't do a thing to stop it at that moment in time made me give in - I grinned.

"What's funny?" Elliot said, a slightly too-wide smile on her face that alerted me to the fact that she had perhaps been here a little while and had been drinking long enough to have tipped her ever so slightly into feeling tipsy. I shook my head, tearing my eyes away from everyone around me and watching instead the people around us. I saw the Maitre d' coming towards us with a smile.

"Table for eight? No, wait," he said, recounting as he saw I was without a partner (I bet he did it on purpose, the pompous ass), "sorry, table for seven, right this way."

He led us through the crowded restaurant until we were outside on the little balcony terrace outside, overlooking the lights of the town below us. I vaguely recalled that we'd been here before, back when we were only residents - we were all in very different places now. Carla and Turk were married, Elliot and Shaun were together and getting pretty serious, and Dr. Cox and Jordan were actually _happy_ together, something that none of us saw coming. And me? Well… I was happy too, in my own little way. I had a home, a job, a stuffed dead dog and someone that I loved. Even if he didn't love me back.

Snapping out of my reverie, I realised that everyone had already sat down, the couples all sitting opposite each other - embarrassingly, I was forced to take the head of the table, sitting with Jordan and Dr. Cox closest to me.

_Great_.

Ordering was a relief; amidst idle chit-chat which I forced myself to partake in, it was a relief to have to do something so simple as choose what I wanted to eat. It wouldn't hurt anybody, and there was no way it would make me feel any worse than I already did. It didn't help that Jordan was suddenly taking an interest in me and my love life - or lack of one.

"Tell me DJ… how is it that a 29 year old passably attractive doctor still hasn't got a steady girlfriend?"

She stared at me, tilting her head to the side as she sucked on a cherry from her cocktail. I hesitated (and felt oddly pleased to be attractive in any sense), not knowing quite how to answer. Fortunately (or not), Dr. Cox cut in for me.

"As far as I'm aware there aren't many lesbians _at_ the hospital."

I raised my eyes to the heavens. "Oh, of course, I'm a girl."

He nodded carelessly, cutting his steak deftly and (as well as the action being oddly sexy) manfully. "Yes, yes you are."

"Ease off of him, Perry. No, seriously though," she continued, pushing her plate away from her slightly (with a mostly uneaten salad still sitting there) and turning her body to face me. "You're young. You're somewhat acceptable in the looks area - I mean," she grinned, "I slept with you, after all."

"Please, you'd sleep with anything that had a pulse. And, possibly, without." Dr. Cox was still focusing on his steak, cutting it into pieces. I looked at him for a few seconds, before turning my attention back to Jordan. I opened my mouth to speak, before I was interrupted by Jordan.

"Just because I like to welcome opportunities doesn't mean I'm easy!"

He shrugged, moving his knife and fork to work on his potatoes instead. "Whatever makes you happy, dear."

I quickly interceded to stop it from becoming an actual argument. "I, err, just haven't really found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with yet, that's all."

Jordan's eyes snapped back to me. She lifted her glass to her lips, her stare focused on me as she spoke. "Oh really? No one? Surely there are tons of available people at the hospital that you could go for."

It was starting to feel a little like an interrogation - everyone was looking at me now, interested to hear what I had to say. I gulped.

"Available, yes, but none that really… stand out."

"Someone unavailable then? You can't tell me you haven't got the hots for _someone_ - you're surrounded by people you work closely with day in, day out!" Her eyes were still heavily trained on me. My throat felt a little dry; I lifted my fourth Appletini to my lips and took a long sip.

"Yes, and the people I'm actually close to are all taken."

She shrugged casually, though there was nothing casual about the way she continued to look at me. Like she was trying to find something in my answers, in my facial expression, in my eyes. "Just because they're taken doesn't mean it stops them from acting on it."

I took an even longer sip of my drink, feeling the prickling discomfort of knowing that I was out of my depth as Jordan kept her attention wholly focused on me.

_God it's hot in here._

I had to say something, and quickly - but what to say? 'Yes, you're right, I _do_ have feelings for someone and we _are _doing something about it! Oh wait, that's right, it happens to be your LIFE PARTNER.' No, definitely not that. 'I'm not interested in anyone who's interested in me.' Yes, that was true, but still the lines were to easy to read between.

I'd hesitated too long. She raised an eyebrow, finishing her drink.

"It's not important. I was just curious."

The silence at the table was visibly awkward; Elliot forced a laugh and started talking about god knows what - my attentions were elsewhere. Mainly on what the hell had just happened, and the horrendous possibility that Jordan knew something, anything that could lead her in the right direction to finding out who, in fact, I was interested in.

Dr. Cox suddenly stood up.

"M'going to the men's room," he said shortly, placing his napkin on the table and heading off in the direction of the toilets; I watched him go, still feeling overwhelmed, still confused. I forced myself to look away, realising I still had half a plate of food left in front of me to finish - I set to work eating it, trying once again to join the conversation. Jordan was now acting completely as ease, her usual sarcastic yet intelligent self - maybe I'd been wrong. Maybe this whole thing was making me paranoid.

By the time I'd finished eating, Dr. Cox still hadn't come back.

"Ummm, Jordan?" Carla's voice was concerned. "Perry…?"

"I can go look for him if you want," Turk offered, making to stand up. Jordan shook her head, motioning for him to sit down.

"No, you sit down. JD," she said, turning to me and raising her eyebrow again in that way that made my stomach tense. "Can you go and see where my other half has disappeared to?"

Carla looked from Jordan to me for a few moments, before her lips set into a thin line of apprehension - yep, she was thinking the same thing that I was. And there was me hoping it had just been me.

"Uh, yeah, sure," I said, standing up and hastily walking away from her intense look, my eyes darting around in search for him. I couldn't help but feel disbelief that he'd spent that long in the men's room - and yes, there he was, sitting at the bar with a bottle of scotch and a shot glass. He cut a lonely figure, sitting there.

My heart wrenched at the sight of it.

Slowly and hesitantly, I sidled over to him, standing behind him. I opened my mouth to speak, but he got there first.

"You're the search party then, Janice?"

"Yeah," I replied, the word coming out in almost a whisper. Why was I suddenly feeling so shy? Somehow, in Jordan's x-ray glare, I had shed a few inches of shell and was suddenly feeling a little vulnerable, and seeing him knocking back the amber liquid wasn't helping. "Do you… want to head back? I think we're about to order coffee."

To my surprise, he nodded, standing - I waited for the sway, for the obvious signs that he'd been drinking too much, but he stood firmly, holding his ground. He half-grinned. "What, you're expecting me to be drunk on just four shots of scotch? Disappointing Newbie, disappointing indeed."

He walked to my side, heading in the direction of the balcony - I reached out and took his arm. He turned, raising his eyebrow in a disturbingly similar way to his significant other and made a point of removing his arm from my fingertips.

"Is there a problem here Sara?"

I shook my head. "No, it's just… this is the first time we've been on our own since we got here."

"And what, you want to head over to the toilets and get a happy ending?" There was a definite mocking edge in his voice, which didn't help the vulnerability. Not one bit. Suddenly all I wanted to do was to pull his arms around me and make him hold me, to just reassure me for a few seconds.

"Well no, I meant that… I don't really know." I moved closer to him so that I could speak in a slightly quieter voice - the area wasn't crowded in the slightest, but I didn't want to risk anything. "I don't always just expect you to get me off and then that's that, you know."

His arms folded, eyes turning slightly hard. "Well, what do you want me to do?"

"You don't have to… _do_ anything."

"All right… what do you want me to say then?"

My eyes betrayed me as I glanced at him, holding the gaze for too long. He stiffened. I realised too late that I'd left myself open for him to assume what I was thinking - chances are, he'd assumed quite close to the mark.

"Newbie, I made it very clear -"

"No, no, I - you don't have to say anything. I just meant… what I meant."

Dr. Cox was still tense, leaning ever so slightly away from me - but his eyes, rather than staying the steely blue-grey they were at that moment, clouded over, turning into a look that was both weary and agitated at the same time. I reached out to touch his arm, a simple gesture from one colleague to another -

"Ummm, guys?" Turk stood behind Dr. Cox, looking awkward. I snatched my hand from it's position in the air and shoved it in a pocket. "Carla wants to order dessert and coffee."

Dr. Cox nodded curtly, looking away from me and walking past him and out onto the balcony. I saw him lean down and kiss Jordan lightly on the forehead - my stomach clenched tightly.

"Hey man, are you okay?" Turk's eyes were genuinely worried as he regarded me, and who could blame him? I could feel my fists at my sides, could feel the blood drain from my face at the small tenderness I had just seen, something he _never_ did with me - and never would.

_He would never love me._

I pasted on a grin, striding up to my best friend and slapping him on the back, acquiescing my 'okay' status and walking by his side to the table. I kept the grin on as I sat in my place, kept it on as we ordered dessert, somehow managed to hold it on even as my cheeks started to ache. I noticed Carla's eyes sweep over me as I grinned inanely and chatted as if I hadn't a care in the world, but thought nothing of it. It wasn't important. Nothing was that important. At that moment, all I could feel was a heaviness in my chest that stopped me from feeling pretty much anything other than apprehension.

"Let's make a toast!" Carla said suddenly, raising her glass of red wine and looking warmly around the table. "To good food, good company and most importantly of all, the people we love."

Everyone raised their drinks, me included, though it took all of my self-restraint not to look at Dr. Cox - the people we love, huh? Well, the good thing was that the person _I_ loved was sitting at the table next to me… the not-so-good being that he was also sitting opposite the woman he planned to spend the rest of his life with. I saw Jordan raise her glass a little higher as she caught Perry's eye, a small smile on her face as he did the same back to her. Cue the stomach clench.

"And also, to JD," Carla added, looking over at me. In my slightly tipsy state, I sat up straight, feeling half-surprised and half-bewildered at this extra toast. Why were we toasting me? What had I done? "And knowing that someday he'll meet someone who can love him as much as he _truly_ deserves."

Oh _hell_. Everyone raised their glasses again, looking somewhat confused by the side note, but taking in their stride - except for myself and Dr. Cox. I knew what Carla was referring to without even needing to think about it; it was an outright warning to Perry so that he knew exactly where he stood in her eyes, and exactly how well that did _not_ sit with her. I couldn't hold back any longer, I _had _to look at him -

Everything slowed down. He too, had raised his glass, but he was looking straight at me, eyes clouded and unreadable. Our gazes met, colliding mid-air hard enough that the intensity bloomed between us strong enough to make me lean into it slightly, wanting it to stay, wanting it to be a permanent presence.

"To JD," everyone murmured, clinking glasses, smiling merrily, amused at their own simple happiness's. Dr. Cox said nothing. I said nothing.

He looked away.

But not soon enough.

**X X X X X**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

She didn't say anything until we got home. She dismissed the Nanny, kissed Jack goodnight and walked back into the living room, looking thoughtful.

"Were you planning on telling me about you and your little protégé, or just wanted to wait until I asked you?" Jordan's tone wasn't accusatory; she asked it, a mere question, as if the answer meant nothing.

Then again, that was what I'd stated so firmly with Newbie. That it meant nothing.

"I don't know," I answered quietly, pulling off my tie as I made my way to the bedroom. I felt her eyes on me as I walked. "I didn't particularly have a plan."

She walked into the room, shutting the door and walking into the en-suite. I heard the faucets start to run, as she called over the added noise. "How long as it been going on for?"

I shrugged, even though I knew she wouldn't see it. It was more to reassure myself that I wasn't aware of how many days it had been since we'd made our fuck-buddy status official, that I wasn't aware of how many weeks it had been since the nightclub, that I wasn't aware of how long it had been since I kissed him on the roof of the hospital.

"About three weeks."

The faucets were turned off; she stood in the doorway of the bathroom, the light illuminating the highlights in her hair. When had those appeared? "I would've thought you would have told me by now. I usually tell you the moment something first happens."

Shifting her slightly to the side, I walked into the bathroom in my boxers, standing in front of the mirror and staring at my reflection. "I didn't know how long it would last, didn't know if there was any point in telling you until after it was over."

Her laugh was light, but with an edge to it. "You should have told me at the start."

I said nothing. I brushed my teeth and rubbed my face hard with the facecloth, watching the colour of my skin go from golden to red.

"Do you love him?"

Walking back into the bedroom, I turned the lights off and climbed into bed next to her, the cool sheets a little soothing to my skin which, for some reason, felt too hot. My face in particular felt like it was on fire.

Was this how she felt every time she'd told me about her latest fling?

I sighed at her ridiculous question. "No."

"Do you think he loves you?"

I turned to look at her. "Why does any of this matter? We're solid, Jordan. It's just one of those things, an itch - getting it out of my system."

She slid down the mattress until she was lying down properly, arms out of the covers. "It does matter, Perry. How far have you gone with him?"

From anyone else it would be inappropriate, but it was what we always did - or what _she'd_ always done. She'd tell me every detail that I asked for. 'Keeping it truthful' we'd called it. I half-smiled at the irony of it all.

"A few hand-jobs."

"Has he gone down on you?"

I shut my eyes. "Yes."

A slight hesitation. "Have… you gone down on him?"

"Yes."

She was quiet for a few moments. "Have you two of you had… I don't know, can you call it sex?"

I sighed with frustration.

"I don't get it Jordan, why are these details so important to you? Why is it important to know what is I've done?"

"It's not what you've done, Perry, it's _who_ that worries me. And answer my question."

I got the easy bit out of the way first, before the ridiculousness of her anxiety could really piss me off. "No, we haven't done that. I don't sleep with people I don't care about - speaking of, why the hell are you worried about Newbie for? He's harmless, he's hardly going to steal me away from you, is he? I mean, come on Jordan," I said, reaching out and taking her hand. She let me. "You know we're solid. We have our bumps in the road like these ones, but no one's going to take me away from you."

Jordan turned to look at me, disbelief in her eyes.

"Are you kidding me? It's not him stealing you away that concerns me, it's the possibility that you might end up loving him!"

Now it was my turn to be disbelieving as all hell. "Love him? Jordan, he's… he's a _he_!"

She say bolt upright, looking at me with a fervour in her eyes I didn't see very often. "Oh, I _see_! Is that what you're telling yourself? That the main reason you don't want to develop any deeper feelings for him is because he's a guy? Great work Perry, well done." She rolled her eyes. The frustration in me mounted.

"Well yeah, actually, that _is_ the main reason!" I was fuming. "That and I don't want to hurt you -"

"Y'see, that's your problem PerPer," she said, slapping her hand on mine. "You're hiding behind reasons that yeah, are good, but they're blocking you from seeing the real reasons behind it."

I knew her well enough to know what was coming. And it pissed me off. "Let me guess - the real reason I don't want to have feelings for him is because they'll be oh-so-strong? Give me a break."

Jordan slammed herself back down into a horizontal position.

"The reason you don't want to develop feelings for him is because you know you're capable of it. The fact that you could easily feel something more for him drives you crazy, and makes you determined not to do it. It's plain old-fashioned stubbornness, and it's soooo unbelievably frustrating!"

"So what, you want me to develop feelings for him?" I was purposefully ignoring what she had said… god or whoever's up there help me, I was determined not to let that one sink into my head.

Her response was too quiet, too weary. "No, Perry, I don't want you to have feelings for Dr. Do-Good. I just want you to stop hiding all the time, you'll end up ruining us if you carry on this way."

I settled myself down, hitting my head on the pillow a few times before turning my head to look at her.

"You do know you're crazy for even suggesting half of the things you've said over the past ten minutes, right?" I said it lightly, as a joke, but my stomach had tied itself up in knots. The reality of her words were sinking in, and more than anything it made me angry. Angry and tired.

"We're both pretty insane for even being together in the first place."

I shut my eyes. That was true.

"But we fit together." It was probably the most tender thing I'd said to her in a while; I felt her body still itself under my hand, which still lay underneath hers. For a while we sat in silence, until she finally spoke.

"Some keys are designed for all kinds of locks. I've spent the last ten years seeing which locks I could get into, and you've always been understanding about it. I want…" she stopped, taking in a deep breath. "I want to do the same for you. I want to give you that freedom."

"I don't want it, Jordan," I said in a low voice. "Yeah, the freedom to itch is great, but the freedom _you're_ offering me is to discover something I don't really want to find."

The truth of the words hit me. Hard.

Her fingers squeezed down gently on mine.

"Just do what you need to do. It's your call, Perry."

**X X X X X**

_**Dr. Kelso POV**_

"Six doctors and two nurses… six doctors… two nurses…"

_Damn medical board, always asking things of me… I'm getting too old for this…_

I read the letter one more time. "One more time and then home, Bob," I muttered to myself, reaching once again for my reading glasses. I slipped them onto my nose and studied the letter again.

**Robert,**

**The medical board has now met up on several occasions to discuss how to further spread the awareness of the hospital around the state - numbers have decreased in the last year, and if we don't raise these figures we're going to be in some serious financial trouble.**

**We've decided to go all out, in one last-ditch attempt to win back all of those patients of ours who have gone private this last year - as I'm sure you can remember from the last meeting, the numbers aren't pretty, and it's important that we do what we can.**

**If you could recommend six doctors and two nurses to us (no interns and preferably two of the best surgeons), we'll send them on an all-expenses paid trip to the state's finest hotel, where they'll be expected to give talks, bring in new patients and generally represent Sacred Heart in the best way that they possibly can.**

The rest of the letter was full of little details, requests and demands - I shook my head and put the letter down again. It was pointless, and if I was right (which I usually was) it was just an excuse for some of the board members to go away for a long weekend. I, of course, was expected to be there - who the hell would run the hospital in my absence?

I took off my reading glasses, and set to work on the list.

**Doctors**

**Dr. Cox **(a total ass but admittedly the best we've got)

**Dr. Wen **(the best surgeon though hideously dull - a word of warning, don't go to dinner with him)

**Dr. Dorian **(good bedside manner, good with people in general - and of course, he's Perry's little whipping boy, always entertaining)

**Dr. Turkleton **(funny name, good surgeon, always aiming to be better)

**Dr. Slawski **(looks like that KFC guy, is sure to create a point of interest)

**Dr. Leventhal **(thinks he's funny and an Oncologist - everyone's obsessed with cancer, it can't go wrong)

**Nurses**

**Nurse Turkleton** (easily the best nurse, plus she's a cracker to look at)

**Nurse Bonnington **(easy on the eyes, sure to work in our favour)

I sighed, rubbing my eyes as I looked at the time. Ten past one… these late hours were wearing me down.

It wasn't all fun and games being the Chief of Medicine.


	17. Over

_Okay, so I finished the fifteenth and sixteenth chapters in one day. I'm gonna go for another one, so that rather than leave you all waiting for months I can actually update a little more regularly. Sound good? I think so! So onto the next. As usual, hope you enjoy it - I have a feeling I'm going to really enjoy writing this chapter, and I hope you like reading it as much as I'll enjoy creating it._

**Chapter Seventeen - Over**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

I had to hand it to the kid, he waited a lot longer to get on my case about not arranging any 'meetings' than I wanted to give him credit for. It was a few days after the meal and Jordan's very accurate realisation of what was going on that he finally got in contact.

_Joanna (01:27) So is it over?_

I clenched my jaw. I hadn't even told him that Jordan had figured it out, and I didn't particularly want to. He'd want to know all of the little details, and it was those that I didn't want him hearing about - not for his sake, of course. It was a purely selfish desire to keep the information from him, and I wasn't ashamed of it. Not of the holding back part, anyway. Still. I knew that I at least owed him a reply.

_There's nothing to BE over, Gwyneth._

_Joanna (01:33) No, of course not. How could I forget that it was 'nothing' when you so adamantly stress it in both actions and words?_

There was that sassiness again. I paused, tapping my thumb against the buttons as I considered what to reply.

"Did he finally give in?" Jordan walked into the living room, despite having gone to bed two hours earlier - I nodded once, watching as she perched at the other end of the couch. "What did he say?"

"He wanted to know if 'it' was over."

She half-smiled. "What did you say back? No wait, let me guess… that there was never anything to begin with."

I grinned, without feeling. "As always, you know me better than anyone."

Shrugging, she clasped her hands together. "Aren't you supposed to be going on some four-day trip with him somewhere out of town?"

The way she phrased it made me snort.

"It's not like we're going away to be together, Jordan. Bobbo gives the orders, and some of the time I have to follow them."

"Like you don't want to go."

I shook my head. I didn't. I didn't want to go. The last thing I wanted was for Newbie to be across the hall from me in a hotel far away from anything familiar, with Carla breathing down my neck at every opportunity. "I don't have the energy for it."

We sat in silence for a few minutes.

"So is it?"

"Is it what?"

Jordan looked at my cell pointedly. "Over."

I threw the phone onto the couch, leaning forward and balancing my elbows on my legs, burrowing my head in my hands. "I don't know. It's not like I've actively thought about it."

This she seemed to accept. "No, I guess you wouldn't want to do that. I bet you avoid thinking about him at all costs, right?"

"Goes without saying."

"You should reply to him," she said, standing up again and making her way back to the bedroom. "He'll want to know in time for the long weekend."

I twisted in my seat to face her. "Jordan, wait."

She turned.

"I do love you. You can't forget that."

A smile. It seemed genuine enough, if not a bit tired. "I know. I just didn't realise how… exhausting it would be wondering what's going on with you and him all the time."

I couldn't stop my eyebrow from rising. "Nothing's going on. That's clear enough, surely?"

"I know you haven't met up with him for whatever it is you want from him in the last few days, but that doesn't mean that something isn't _happening_. The lack of communication says that much."

_Damn it. She's right._

Resting my forehead on my hands momentarily, I shut my eyes. "I wish you weren't so observant sometimes."

"Shouldn't have fallen in love with me then." Said in a teasing way.

"You know what the say… you can't help who you fall for."

She opened the bedroom door and paused.

"Yep Perry. You're right. You can't." The door closed behind her.

With a sigh, I turned back to my cell, re-reading the message from Lois. It confirmed too much, yet made things so much less clear that it made my head spin. Well, that and the half-bottle of scotch I'd tipped down my throat that evening.

_You were the one who first mentioned it being temporary, Holly. Not that I disagree with you, but that's the truth of it._

_Joanna (01:45) Yeah, I did. Thanks for making things clear for me now. I'm going to sleep. See you at the hotel._

Two days. Two days until that damned trip. I had to clear things up before then, I didn't have the patience to deal with his whiny, neurotic angst up until then. I hesitated for barely more than two seconds before I scrolled to his name in my phone book and pressed the 'Call' button.

_Five rings. Six rings. Seven rings. Eight rings._

"Hey, you've reached the voicemail of J-dizzle in the hooouse! Leave a name and message and I'll shizzle your dizzle on the to-mizzle! PEACE!" _Bleeeeeep._

Good god, the man was an idiot. I pressed Call again.

_Five rings. Six rings. Seven rings. Eight rings._

"Hey, you've reached the voice-"

"God_dammit_ Newbie, pick up your goddamned phone!" I hissed, hanging up and trying again.

_Five rings. Six rings. Seven - _

A moment of silence, before,

"What do you want, Dr. Cox? I'm trying to sleep."

I rolled my eyes to the empty room. "You only just stopped texting me, don't be such a baby."

An exasperated sigh. "What do you want?"

"I want to clear up this mess before the trip."

He laughed sarcastically; it sounded uncharacteristic, and odd on the other end of a phone. "What mess? As far as I was aware, this was nothing anyway. So there's nothing to clear up. Now I really want to sleep, so please leave me alone -"

"Be quiet," I growled, leaning forward. "If you wanted to sleep you could've turned your phone off, so don't give me that crap. Now you knew before that this was a temporary thing, and as I already said, _you_ were the one to make that official -"

"I _said_ what you wanted to hear!" he cried; I could hear the rustling of covers as he probably sat up in bed. "You _know_ that, don't play around and pretend that you don't. It's pointless."

Yes, I knew.

"What do you want me to say, Newbie?"

I could hear the frustration in his voice as he replied. I liked it. "Oh for gods sake… I don't want to have to tell you what to say! Say whatever you damn well like, because I'm well and truly sick of having to guide you through this."

I choked on this; _him_ guide _me_?!

"Listen here Delilah, you've guided me through fuck all! Who kissed who first? Who kept you at arms length? Who was the one who moved your hand over my cock the first time because you didn't know how, huh? Who was the one -"

"Yeah, bravo for all of those things," he sneered. It didn't sit right, that tone. If he'd have been in front of me, there would've been definite pinning-up-against-the-wall, and not in the good way that we'd become accustomed to. "Well done for assaulting me, scaring me enough that when you kissed me I couldn't run away. Well done for pushing me away when all I wanted was a bit of reassurance and a few answers. Above _everything_, thank you for letting me fuck you with my hand enough times that now all I can goddamned think about is the way you look at me when you're about to come all over my hand."

Against my will, I felt myself start to harden at the thought of it. "Don't get all smart-ass with me Newbie, or -"

"Or what?" He kept interrupting me. It was getting to be a bit of a problem for my temper. "Let's think, what did you do the last few times I did something when you told me not to… oh of _course_, you pinned me up against a wall and slid your hand over my erection until I came! Oh, and the last time? When I went behind your back and called a surgical consult when you didn't see any need and specifically told me not to? Ah, how could I forget - you took me into Kelso's office, bent me over the desk and got me off at the same time that you got yourself off. You came alllll over my back. How silly of me to misplace that _wonderful_ example of teaching."

I was virtually wordless. Here he was, berating me for those times when I _knew_ he'd happily do them all over again… patronising me… deliberately angering me… and yet my cock was as hard as any time he'd been physically opposite me. It was uncomfortable.

"Newbie, look, just calm down -"

"I don't want to calm down."

"No, you're not getting me, you _have_ to stop talking about those things."

He laughed that sarcastic laugh again. "Oh right, so we can forget about them completely because that big massive load of 'nothing' is now officially over."

A low growl escaped the back of my throat. "I didn't say that."

"So… we're still going to meet up for a quick hand-fuck every day at work? Lucky me. I'm _honoured_ that you'd spare so much precious time for me."

Hand-fuck… I could do with one of those. I reached forward and cupped my hand over the visible outline of myself, shifting my ass forward on the couch a little. Just the slightest pressure felt good…

"Nothing to say to that, huh?" He carried on talking, completely unaware of what I was doing. I kind of liked it. I was torn between anger and wanting to hand-jive away the massive problem ever-growing in my pants, and the longer he talked, the longer I had to decide which I'd go for. "You hate seeing yourself for who you truly are. I can't believe how stupid I've been, truly. Do you know, every time you've wanked me off in the last two weeks all I could think about was how lucky I was? You put your hands in my pants and it made my _day_!"

He had to stop this. As much as he was saying this from anger, all it made me feel was the need to wrap my hand around myself and get to work.

"Course, wrapping your tongue around me felt good too -"

My hand started moving of its own accord over the top of my sweats.

"But I bet that disgusts you now, doesn't it? That's why you're so quiet? The mere thought of me putting my _dick_ in your mouth just makes you sick to even think about it. Well guess what Perry?"

I was working hard on controlling my breathing - for some reason, this was turning me on an _insane_ amount, and I knew I wouldn't last all that long. My breathing was already turning shallower, louder.

He continued. "I fucked you dry with my hand too. And you're not the only one who got down on your knees; do you remember the first time, Dr. Cox? Just a gentle push of my shoulders and I was down, ready to do your bidding? What about this… how I pulled you out of your boxers and you were so hard it was painful. The second I touched my lips to the tip of you, you couldn't help but let out a groan - yep, that's right, I remember. How could I forget? Your hands on the back of my head, pushing yourself deep into my mouth, slowly moving back and forth - and I let you. I was like your fucking whore, letting you screw my mouth."

He sounded like he was almost in tears, and there was a frenzied edge to his tone - but I couldn't care less at that point. All I could do was move my hand over myself, harder, faster, a rhythm that was bringing more and more intensity to the happy ending that I was just waiting for. My breathing was getting louder.

"You went so far down my throat that I couldn't _breathe_!" Yep, he was definitely crying - but the imagery was too strong, remembering how I had felt was too vivid. "You came in my mouth and I took it all like your good little bitch. I drank every last goddamned DROP!"

A little groan escaped my lips. Suddenly, he was silent. For a few seconds, I stilled my moving hand, wondering what he had heard, wondering if he knew.

"…what are you…"

Silence.

"Newbie," I whispered hoarsely into the mouthpiece. "Newbie, I -"

"I get it," he said bitterly. I waited. Did he get it? "Yeah, I get it. You're using me again. You want me to be your whore over the phone instead? Want me to tell you that I've been 'naughty' again and that I need you to punish me?"

His tone was heavily sarcastic and all wrong, but still his words seemed to have an effect on me. The breathing picked up again, and my hand let itself start once more. I was pretty damned close, and if he carried on… well.

"You're a truly sadistic bastard if you're getting off to hearing my pain, Dr. Cox. But I'll humour you."

Suddenly the desire was gone. I was still hard, but I had no want whatsoever to pleasure myself now - not know that he had been so frank. Not now that I could truly hear the pain in his voice.

_Shit_.

"Newbie, no, wait -"

"I've got my cock in my hand, Dr. Cox. I've wrapped my fingers around it the way I like you to wrap yours around mine."

I got harder; the desire lessened even more. "Stop it."

"This is what you want, so I'm going to give it to you. I'm going to make myself come over the phone, so you can hear it. I'm going to cry all over my fucking erection - who knows, maybe it'll make a good lubricant whilst I'm getting myself off?"

I felt a stabbing of sickness in my stomach. I was actually making myself feel sick for knowing I had driven him to this. "You don't have to do this, we can just talk."

His breathing was getting heavier. "No, I'm… I'm doing it. I'm doing it for _you_. Won't you enjoy it? The sounds of me pleasuring myself? Don't you like it?"

The mixture of anger and desperation that flooded me was unfamiliar, horrendous and sickening.

"No, I don't like it. I'm asking you, please, to stop it."

Newbie laughed - it was a breathless laugh, mixed with something that sounded a little like a groan. "If I'd have told _you_ to stop it, would you have done? Or would you have carried on?"

"I may be sadistic kid, but you're something like a masochist if you're getting pleasure out of imagining me forcing you into it, kid," I said, my voice suddenly quiet and, dare I say it, pleading. "Just stop what you're doing and let's talk about this properly."

"NO!" A mixture of a yell and a groan. A tiny, strangled sob afterwards. Was he doing this on purpose, to drive me insane? Did he want me to come to his apartment and tie him down so he couldn't do anything like it again? "I want to do it, I want to."

I buried my face into one of my hands. "You sound like you've gone crazy, what the hell is wrong with you?"

Suddenly, silence. It went on, and on, and on, to the point where I looked at the screen of my cell to see if he had shut the call off. No, he was still there according to the screen…

"Newbie?"

"I'm sorry."

His voice was quiet, too quiet - the breathlessness had gone, though it was clear that he was still crying, regardless of how silent his tears might be. My fists clenched. "Why the hell are _you_ apologising?"

He stuttered a defeated laugh. "Because I've done this all wrong."

I blinked. "You? You've done this all wrong?"

"All I wanted to do was what you wanted. But I took it too far."

That I could agree with. "Look, kid, do you want me to come over?" I could hardly believe the words were escaping my lips. "You don't sound too great."

"Please," he whispered. Instantly I stood up, heading to the door. But then I listened properly. "Please don't."

I froze.

"I can't do this any more, Dr. Cox. I just… I can't. Don't make me."

"I'm… I'm not making you do anything. I never _made_ you do anything!"

Silence again, before he managed to push out a few more words. "You didn't mean to, but in the end it was going to happen."

I ran my fingers through my hair, leaning against the wall. "Newbie, I swear to god if you'd said you didn't want to do this anymore I would've let you walk away."

"That's the problem."

I hesitated. "…what's the problem?"

"I couldn't have walked away even if you'd told me to."

And that's when it got too real for me.

_**JD POV**_

How could I tell him that the very reason I was crying and acting like a crazy person in the middle of the night was because I loved him too much to let him go, but too much to stay the way we were? How could I possibly tell the man who was now completely silent after what I had just said that if he stopped giving me even a _little_ of himself anymore I would probably shut down completely?

After practically promising otherwise, how could I tell him that I wanted him to love me even a tiny bit as much as I loved him?

"You're… not going to say anything for the rest of this phone call, are you?"

Silence.

"Okay, in that case, I'll make this easy for the both of us." Well, easy for him. Literally heart-numbing for me. "We have to stop this. Now. This whole… clandestine sex-but-not-sex situation, it's too complicated and… someone's going to end up getting hurt." Yeah. Me. Too late for that. "So… that's it. We'll just go back to you pretending you hate me at work and me pretending to love you at work. Well, not pretending - no, wait," I said, stumbling over my words as I realised I had crossed my own wires and had literally just revealed something I had _never _wanted him to get his hands on. Hopefully he wouldn't notice. "I meant pretending to look up to you."

He cleared his throat. "So is it a pretence then? Or not?"

I didn't know which he was asking about: pretending to love him, or pretending to look up to him. I decided to just answer both. "No, it's not a pretence. It's pretty damned real - which I'm sure you already know anyway."

"Hmmph."

I hesitated.

"You understand that… that we're not to… do things anymore?"

He snorted. "Yeah Newbie, I get it. Back to how it used to be. You pretend you're my protégé and I remind you that you're just a royal pain in my ass."

It was as if nothing had ever changed.

I felt the ice slowly creep into my ventricles.

"So."

Silence.

"I'm gonna head off to sleep now. I'm, ummm, pretty tired." I considered just hanging up and not waiting for his reply. I held on for a few seconds.

"Right then."

The dial tone met my ear.

Yep.

Completely back to normal.

_Just _in time for the trip.

I lay back on the bed, placing my phone lightly on the bedside table, waiting.

Nothing.

Just… breathing.

In and out.

In and out.

In and out.

_**Dr Cox POV**_

I waited to feel something.

Nothing.

I waited for the flood of relief.

Nothing.

I waited for _something_.

_Anything_.

The haze of uncertainty hit me in a wave.

_Anything but _that.


	18. Numb

_**Ha. Three chapters finished in a 24 hour period. At least I'm being productive and will be able to update for y'all a little more often than usual.**_

_**I found the last chapter difficult to write, what with JD forcing himself to do something he thought Dr. Cox wanted - particularly as I'm pretty sure this won't be the last time. But, I'll admit, writing it was interesting; for the first time, Dr. Cox actually showed real emotion towards JD… a good sign? Hmmm, maybe… but maybe not so much. You'll have to keep reading and find out. ;-)**_

_**So my darlings, on with the eighteenth chapter. As always, thank you for the wonderful reviews and I hope the story is, if not everything you want it to be, entertaining and believable enough that you can, like I do, imagine it was if it were a real episode. ONWARDS, MY COMRADES OF SLASHY GOODNESS!**_

**Chapter Eighteen - Numb**

_**Carla POV**_

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times before - I am _never_ riding in the same car with Turk and JD _again_.

I could live with the same CD playing over and over again - their 'road trip' anthems, including 'Don't Stop Believin' by Journey and 'Greased Lightening' by John Travolta (I've never had to tell Turk to keep his hands on the wheel so much in my _life_) - and I could even deal with the many stops we had to make so that JD could get more pop-rocks.

The one thing I couldn't deal with?

Their 'road trip' clothes.

_Matching_ 'road trip' clothes.

Worse still?

Matching. Denim. Overalls.

Adding, of course, their stupid 'Vanilla Bear MD' and 'Chocolate Bear MD' badges that _somehow_ got past Dr. Kelso during their creation for this trip, the bandanas and, finally, the wristbands with 'I Heart Sacred Heart' on them and you could see why I was so embarrassed.

By the time we arrived, I was exhausted from practically driving the steering wheel from the backseat of the car, and eager to get to the room to unwind before the first set of presentations were to begin. JD leapt out of the car and stretched, a big grin on his face as he stared up at the hotel in front of us - I didn't blame him. We were in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by grass, trees and nothing more, and standing in its midst was the Goldmeadow Hotel, a huge and imposing building that looked like it had leapt from a book of fairytales or something… It was massive, old and beautiful, with different buildings spread around a huge courtyard adorned with colourful flowers, with a giant fountain as its centrepiece. From the brochure we had been forced to read (so we knew where we'd be going), the hotel's many features included a spa, three restaurants, horse-riding, dancing lessons of all kinds, formal dinners every night (we were required to go to at least one) and finally, the one that Turk and JD were most excited about, a gigantic maze set in the many acres of land surrounding the hotel.

All in all?

It felt more like being in a honeymoon destination than a work one.

With a smile, Turk came around to the other side of the car and wrapped his arm around me, following my gaze as I stared up at it in awe. "It'll be like a second honeymoon, baby. Every night, I am your _slave_."

I rolled my eyes - sex was the last thing on my mind. I glanced over at JD, who was dragging the two huge suitcases he had packed ("Who knows what opportunities might arise?") out of the trunk of the car. He'd been extra light-hearted recently, full of smiles these last two days, cracking jokes left, right and centre - and was totally full of crap. He didn't think anyone noticed the little moments inbetween all of those - like now, for instance. He stared up at the hotel, clutching the sleeves of the white shirt underneath the overalls, looking so vulnerable that I had to force myself to stay put.

Something had happened, and I would find out what.

We eventually got to the front desk after entering a set of revolving doors (three times, I might add - JD decided to 'forget' when to walk out of them). We attracted a _lot_ of attention, though I knew it wasn't me - I was dressed to fit into this kind of environment in a black skirt, deep purple blouse and black pumps. No, it was Dumb and Dumber behind me that were attracting the gazes of the upper-middle-class people surrounding us, and they did nothing to deflect it - instead, they ran around like children, pointing at the chandeliers, the sweeping double staircase, the deep, thick, plush red carpets…

I sighed.

"We're part of the Sacred Heart party, I think everyone else has arrived already?" _Not probably. Definitely, if the amount of stops we made are anything to go by. _"I'm Carla Espinosa-Turk, and this is -"

"Dr. John Dorian and Dr. Christopher Turk?" The woman behind the desk smiled wryly at me. "Yes, we were… told that you'd be arriving soon after."

I smiled wearily. "You mean _warned_?"

The slight tilt of her head confirmed it - she didn't seem too bothered. She'd probably been faced with worse. I hoped so, anyway.

"Dr. Dorian and Dr. Turk are rooming in 105 and 107 in the Thornwood Suites, aaand… let's see, you're in room 125 in the Willow Suites."

Her smile failed to comprehend my look of surprise.

"I'm not in the same room as my husband?"

"I'm sorry, there wasn't a request on the booking form to share a room," she said apologetically, biting her lip. "I could always re-room you both so you're sharing…?"

I leant forward. "You have _no_ idea how grateful I am to have my own room. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband but a queen bed all to myself? I'm not going to complain."

She laughed.

"If you could play along for me, though?"

"Of course."

I turned to Turk, who was sauntering over expectantly. "So where are we roomed, baby?" He moved closer. "I've got the hankering for some Latina Love…"

I pasted on a grimace. "I'm sorry Turk, but they haven't got us down for sharing, and because of the hospital rules, no one's meant to room together. Isn't that right?" I glanced at the woman, who was nodding and looking appropriately apologetic.

Turk pouted.

"But baby, how am I gonna sleep without you by my side?"

"Hey Turk, we're in the same building!" JD had come forward and was grasping the key card with a goofy grin on his face. Turk turned to me, pout replaced with the same sort of apologetic expression the concierge had used.

"I… suppose I can live with it though. If it's the rules and everything."

With a quick kiss, leaving my suitcase beside me and without offering help, he and JD made their way to their building.

I sighed again and turned to the helpful woman at the desk.

"Could someone give me a hand with this?"

**X X X X X**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

"To sum up; research shows that pending a solution to these problems in the treatment of a pulmonary embolism, the use of anticoagulants should be conservative, and greater efforts should and hopefully will be made to establish a diagnosis. Thank you."

I couldn't be assed to answer questions. Instead, I walked straight off of the podium, ignoring the daggers thrown from old Bobbo's eyes and headed towards the bar. A few people came and patted my shoulder, congratulating me, apparently eager to discuss what I had said - like I had any interest in that. I brushed off their comments, signalling to the bartender to serve me what they'd already come to establish as my usual - a shot of scotch - and let my eyes rove the room.

Just as I'd thought. No one of any interest.

I'd only been at this place for five hours, and already I was bored out of my skull; the people were boring, the company even worse - Leventhal had already tried conversing with me on several occasions, only to be shot down with a simple sarcastic remark. Apparently his 'infamous' sense of humour didn't include derision.

I took out my phone for lack of a better thing to do whilst I was waiting for my scotch.

_Jordan (12:09) Hope you got there safe. Call me when you're done for the day._

Sighing, I put my phone back in my pocket. Jordan had become… odd. Rather than distance herself from me as I did with her after finding sexual gratification elsewhere, she'd made an attempt to push herself closer, and as much as I tried to respond, nothing seemed to be enough. We'd had sex more times in the last few days then we'd had in the last month beforehand, and the amount of times she'd told me she loved me…

It was a complicated situation, even though I knew it shouldn't be. It should have been as simple as every other day of our marriage.

"Perry, I won't bother with the small talk." Kelso came up behind me, looking every bit as old and cantankerous as every other old person in the room. "Tomorrow you're expected to go to the formal dinner in the Grand Hall. You and Dorian."

"Well that's just dandy."

"Don't bother with sarcasm, I'm not interested. I expect to see you and him in your tuxes by the main staircase at eight sharp."

"Whatever, Bob."

As he walked away, I couldn't ignore the stab of frustration in my chest. Now I had to dress up in a penguin suit and play nice with all of the over-dressed, stuck up idiots? Worse still, with the kid?

Not my idea of a fun night.

I threw the scotch down my throat, making a quick exit through the back entrance to avoid being called upon by the assholes who had assigned us to this godforsaken hotel in the first place. I dodged eye-contact with every person I passed, not stopping until I reached the door of my room - carelessly I swiped the key card through the slot, pushing open the door and locking it behind me.

On the table by the couch in the living area (I had to hand it to the board, they hadn't held back - the suite I was placed in was _huge_) was a list of all the things I could do to entertain myself: swimming; golfing, tennis, an in-room massage - definitely not spoiled for choice. A few of them tempted me, and I was halfway to the phone to book a few sports sessions when two figures caught my eye outside in the courtyard.

_JD._

Wait a second, when the hell did I start thinking of him by his nickname? I shook my head hard, reaching for the receiver but… no. I stopped again, my eyes roving without my permission to look out of the window again. Ghandi and _Newbie_ were ambling towards what I could only assume was the direction of the maze (no surprise there), talking about god knows what.

For a moment I stared, watching their easy movements around each other, the smile on the kid's face, the blatant happiness he was feeling.

I forced myself to pick up the phone, impassively turning from the window.

_**JD POV**_

"Dude, I gotta ask you something."

Turk's tone was hesitant - instantly I knew what it would be regarding, and I plastered a smile on my face. "Sure buddy, what's up?"

He shoved his hands in his pockets.

"You and Cox."

I waited.

"Are you… is there something going on between you?" I could tell how much he hadn't wanted to ask, but I couldn't blame him for wanting to know - he was my best friend, yet he was completely kept out of the loop. I felt a little twinge of guilt, realising how much I'd abandoned him these last few weeks.

"Nope. We're as we always were."

His tone was disbelieving. "Really?"

"Yeah. Why, what did you think was going on?"

He shrugged, clearly unsure if he should say what was on his mind. I nudged him with my shoulder. "I don't know. You've just been kind of distant lately, and you lock yourself up in your room pretty much as soon as you get home, so… I dunno, I just wondered if he was anything to do with it."

Turk was apparently more observant than I'd wanted to give him credit for.

"What I should have said is… things are the same as ever _now_."

He glanced at me.

"They weren't before?"

I shook my head, refusing to meet his eyes. If I was going to tell him even a little of what had been going on, I couldn't look at him. "Things were sort of happening, y'know, in secret."

He stayed silent, waiting.

"I won't go into details, 'cos believe me, you don't wanna hear them -" He half-shrugged, but that was enough to let me know that such details _wouldn't_ be gratefully received. "But yeah, for a few weeks things were… going on. But not anymore."

"Did he break it off?"

I couldn't help but laugh at his assumption. It was a weird laugh. Sort of… empty. "You'd think so, but no… it was me."

The look of surprise he shot me confirmed that both he and Carla had probably have thought otherwise. "Did he hurt you?" Suddenly his demeanour became both defensive and protective. "I'll kick his _ass_."

Shaking my head, I put a hand on his shoulder.

"It's cool, Turk, he didn't hurt me. I just decided that enough was enough."

We walked in silence for a few minutes, both of us mulling over our thoughts, before he spoke again. He sounded slightly relieved. "I'm kinda glad. Don't get me wrong, I was happy if you were happy, but I didn't want it going too far."

I hoped to god he didn't mean sexually. "Too far?"

"Yeah, y'know. Like, falling in love with each other or something." He snorted. "As if he's actually capable of those sorts of emotions."

My fists clenched of their own accord. "Mmm."

My lack of real response made him take a proper look at me, eyebrow raised. "He didn't fall in love with you, did he? Dude, that's _big!_"

My stomach tightened, but the rush of emotions I expected every time I actively thought of him not giving a shit didn't come - as usual. Somehow I'd properly shut myself off. Somehow I'd got what I wanted, but at the same time everything I'd trade for one more attempt with him.

"He didn't fall in love with me."

Turk stopped walking. "But… you?"

I shrugged, carrying on walking, expecting him to follow. When he didn't rejoin my side, I stopped and turned - he was just staring at me, eyes slightly narrowed.

"You did, didn't you?"

I went to shrug again, but failed. I met his gaze. "I don't know."

He walked up to me, placing his hands on my shoulders.

"Do you really not know, or are you insanely in denial?"

"What is it with you Turk's and denial?" I said, forcing a grin - to no avail. His expression was serious and clear in its message: don't bullshit me. So I didn't.

"I loved him," I said simply. "I didn't give myself a chance to fall for him when I knew he wouldn't fall for me back - or even care about me at all."

My best friend nodded his head slowly. "So that's why you broke it off."

"Yeah."

I had hoped that after saying all of these things aloud that it would take away the immense pressure it had on my shoulders - and chest - day after day, but instead there was the ever-becoming-familiar numb quality. He seemed to notice this, and looked at me with even more concern than before.

"Dude, you're broken."

"I guess I am."

"I'll kill that bastard for letting you think you had a chance."

I rounded on him - not violently, but I was suddenly filled with such vigour that I couldn't help it. "Was I really being _that_ ignorant then? Because I'm happy to tell you that no matter how many times I told myself he would never feel the same in the millions years, I still had a little ray of hope, the tiniest little shining ray. Deep, deep, deep down I really thought that…" I stopped. He squeezed my shoulder lightly.

"Doesn't change anything, V-bear. He somehow gave you that hope, no matter how false it was."

"He didn't, Turk," I replied bitterly, turning away and starting to walk again. "He never said or did anything that made me think that he might have feelings for me. I just…" I shut my eyes tightly. "I kidded myself into believing something impossible, as always."

"You are pretty good at that."

I half-grinned. Even if I didn't feel anything positive - or anything that could be attributed to a feeling at all, at least in regards to Dr. Cox - I was suddenly overwhelmingly grateful for Turk. I found myself wondering why I hadn't spoken about it to him before.

"Thanks, Turk."

He shrugged his shoulders casually, a small smile on his face. "It's what I'm here for JD, you know that. Just don't forget it next time, okay?"

I nodded. "I'll try."

**X X X X X**

The rest of the day we filled up with conferences, talks and general schmoozing of the hospital - by the end of it, I was exhausted. The idea of that queen bed just waiting all crisp and soft was a blessing.

Just as I went to enter my building, a voice came from behind me.

"Kelso wants us to go to the formal dinner tomorrow night. Be in your penguin suit and by the stairs at eight."

I didn't bother turning around to face him. "Sure." I pulled open the door.

"Enjoying your stay so far?"

What did he care? I half-turned, glancing at him momentarily. "It's okay."

A few moments of awkward silence. Lovely. He didn't seem to be leaving either, which set me on edge. I turned wholly towards him.

"Was there something you wanted, Dr. Cox?"

For a second his eyes looked me up and down, a small sneer appearing on his lips from obviously taking in what I was wearing. I felt nothing. "Other than to question your ever-concerning fashion habits, no, not particularly."

I shrugged. "Then I'll be going."

He rolled his eyes, folding his arms. Where once upon a time this gesture would concern me, knowing it was going to introduce a tirade of some kind, it just tired me out even more - I shoved my hands deep in my pockets, waiting.

"So much for going back to normal then, kid."

The laugh that escaped my lips was unfamiliar. I genuinely couldn't recognise it as my own voice. "There's nothing _normal_ about this situation, so I don't see why you'd just expect things to go back as they were."

"You were the one who made it this way, Newbie, so don't go getting all pissy. Grow a pair and at least make an effort."

I gritted my teeth.

"Like you made an effort these last three weeks?" No. I didn't want to talk about it. "Look, let's just get this trip over and done with, with as little contact as possible. If you can manage that."

His snort, the one full of derision and judgement had no effect whatsoever.

"With pleasure, milady."

With that, he turned and went in the direction of his own building, the one adjacent to mine - I watched him go, still waiting for that rush of emotion.

Nothing.

Slipping inside my room and locking the door behind me, I found myself idly staring out of the huge window, the light of the moon coming in and across my bed. Almost on auto-pilot, I made my way over to it, bathing myself in it as I stared across the acres of land that stretched all around. It was a beautiful place. It was the kind of place I'd always imagined going to for my honeymoon.

Something clicked inside of me.

"GODAMMIT!" The sound of my yell filled my ears, deafening me, piercing through the numbness. I picked up the four pillows, throwing them at the wall - the dull 'flump' as they landed on the carpet made it worse. I threw my fist at the wall, violently pushed over the bedside table, kicked the door to the bathroom as hard as I could - nothing could alleviate the pain that was coursing through me.

"YOU BASTARD, I _HATE_ YOU!"

I shouldn't yell, I should be quiet and hide myself away until tomorrow night but I _couldn't_, the realisation of what could never be was stabbing at my chest, a blunt knife repeatedly hacking away - why did it _hurt_ so badly?! Three weeks was nothing, three weeks _of_ nothing - I hated him, hated myself, hated everyone that had assumed what was happening and hadn't stopped it.

_I loved him_.

"WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME?" The shouts were stunted by my breathing - I crumpled to the floor, head in my hands as the tears, hot as fire, fell down my cheeks, burning the regret and loss into my skin like a branding iron. I bent low, connecting my head with the carpet and rocking back and forth, howling like a child at losing something that was never mine to try to take in the first place.

It wasn't until hours later that I realised that Turk's arms were around me, holding me close, saying nothing but being, as he had always been, the guardian angel to my personal hell.


	19. The Threshold

_**Okay guys. Another update. FIVE updates in four days. INSANE.**_

_**This is a TRULY epic chapter - out of all of the chapters, I enjoyed writing this one the most by FAR. Intensity by the bucket load. It is because of this that I ask, no, I BEG of you to review and let me know what you think - I am speaking so honestly when I say that the joy I felt in writing this, for no real reason (I've written intense chapters before!) will probably last me until well into the morning.**_

_**You're not obligated to, but genuinely, reviews for this chapter would be incredibly appreciated. :-D I love you all so very much for sticking by JD and Dr. Cox so far, and I hope with all my heart that you stick with me and the boys. To the very end.**_

_**(To reassure: we're not there yet. The end is a little while off yet, so don't worry.)**_

**Chapter Nineteen - Threshold**

_**JD POV**_

Waking up the following day wasn't easy. All I really wanted to do was curl up under the covers and never come out of them, at least not until the horrible stabbing in my chest went away but unfortunately for me, Turk had already arranged for a few distractions.

"Turk, I don't know _how_ to ride a horse," I complained, spooning cereal into my mouth and looking at him out of my sore, tired eyes - I hated that. Crying always made my eyes go stupidly puffy for hours afterwards, and made me feel more tired than I actually was. He shrugged, shovelling into his mouth his fourth slice of toast.

"Doesn't matter, dude. The class is for Beginners."

Like THAT mattered. I tried my utmost to convince Turk that it was a bad idea, but he wouldn't give in - instead, he came to wave me off after I'd somehow managed to be shoved up onto a horse by two instructors who, and this is a direct quote, 'had never seen someone so unsuited for horse riding before'. I scowled down at him, feeling stupid in a helmet that was far too big for me.

"You're not even coming?!"

He grinned. "Nope. Carla wants to get massages together, and I'm not missing _that_ for anything, even if it is seeing you attempt to canter."

I blinked. "Canter? Turk, I thought you said this was a Beginners class?"

The male instructor came around the side of me, checking my feet were in the stirrups correctly. "It's a Beginner to Intermediate class. We'll start off at a steady walk, then introduce you to a casual trot -" I glared at Turk. "And then, if you're ready for it, when the Intermediate class goes off for a canter, you can join them. But you're free to do what you want to do." He smiled reassuringly up at me. His eyes were the same kind of blue as… I stopped the thought before it could imprint itself into my mind "No pressure."

"No pressure my ass," I muttered, sending one last evil glare back at Turk who saluted me and stepped back, eyeing the back of my grey horse (if I pretended hard enough, I could always pretend it was a unicorn…) with trepidation. The instructor pulled himself up into the saddle of a huge, black stallion (I laughed inwardly) and pulled his horse around so that it was beside the one of the female instructor and so that he could face the little group of us, half of which looked terrified.

"Okay, I'm Steven and along with Lesley here," he motioned towards the woman, who flashed a pearly-white smile, "we're going to start you off on a walk through the woods straight ahead of us. For those who are more confident in your riding - wait a second, there's a horse without a rider." He walked his horse forward so that it stood beside a deep chestnut one, almost as big as his. "Are we missing somebody?"

"That would be me," a deep voice rumbled from somewhere on the edge of the riding group - my stomach clenched hard upon itself. I couldn't tear my eyes away as he, the person I was so intent on avoiding and the person who had now _ruined_ my (well, Turk's) attempt at distracting myself, placed his hand confidently onto the saddle of the horse, pulling himself up and swinging his leg over until he was sitting astride it with an assurance I found both frustrating and, though I was loathe to admit it, attractive as hell. Dr. Cox deftly placed his helmet on, tying it underneath his chin and settled his hands on the reins. "Ready when you are, chief."

Steven grinned at him. "Glad to have another experienced rider in the group. As I was saying, we'll lead you through the woods on a walk, and then as the clearing gets a little wider we'll try a trot. Then, when the more confident of you -"

I phased out. All I could see right now was him, his back straight as he sat in the saddle, his dark grey t-shirt shaping his back in a way that made me want to pull him off of it, pin him to the floor and make him see stars.

Course, that was out of the question now.

My stomach clenched again, distracting me momentarily from the ache in my chest.

"Let's go!"

I jerked to attention just in time, as the riders around me gently urged the horses forward - I shook the reigns lightly, but to no avail; the horse refused to move. I patted its neck and asked it politely to join the others but again, it chose to ignore me and simply stand, shifting slightly on its hooves.

I didn't have the patience for it. I pushed myself up from the saddle, accidentally nudging its sides in the process - it jerked forward, starting a brisk walk that was so unexpected that I plonked back down onto its back, gripping the reins hard between my clenched fingers and praying to Jesus that I wouldn't die.

"All you need to do is give her a little nudge and she'll get moving," the female instructor, Lesley, said in a friendly tone to me, having apparently waited for me. "Ally's a good horse, nice and calm for beginners like you, though she gets a little edgy when we're near running water, so you may want to be careful once we get near the little brook near the end of the wood-path."

I forced a smile in thanks, trying to convince myself inwardly to loosen my grasp on the reins. It wasn't long before we were cloaked under the masses of trees of the woodland area, clip-clopping along in almost perfect imitations of each other. I hated to admit it, but there was something wonderfully calming and distracting about being on a horse - all I had to was hold on and look about me at the beautiful scenery we were riding past and I felt a little better. It was a huge relief.

For a little while, anyway. Soon we reached a slightly wider part of the path, and Steven called back to us to nudge our horses into a gentle trot - Lesley said quietly beside me not to nudge too hard, otherwise Ally was likely to get carried away and start to canter; that (other than galloping, falling off or generally making a fool of myself) was the last thing I wanted to do, so I gently pressed my heels into her side and sure enough, she started to trot.

I did _not_ like that. It was bumpy, and looking at the people around me I saw that the best thing to do was to move myself up and down in time with the trotting - no, I didn't like it any better when I was doing that. I cast my glance ahead to where Dr. Cox, practically riding beside Steven, was riding like an expert, talking to him about god knows what - I felt the bitterness start to rise, and forced myself to look about me again. My eyes caught Lesley's, who smiled at me again - she was quite pretty, really, with strawberry blonde hair and eyes that were kind of greeny-brown… she took my eye-contact as a positive step, asking me who I was and what I was doing at the hotel.

"Oh, right, I'm John -" (_JOHN?!)_ " -I'm running some talks here at the moment, a few conferences and presentations."

She looked pleasantly surprised. "Oh, you're with the Sacred Heart party? Like that gentleman up ahead?" She motioned towards Dr. Cox - I gritted my teeth. Typical that he should have made himself known to her already. Oh, and more importantly? Gentleman my left buttock.

"Yes, I'm with him. With the hospital, I mean."

Lesley nodded, turning her attention back to me. "Are you enjoying your stay so far?"

_No._ "It's beautiful here," I side-stepped, looking around me for emphasis. "I can't believe we're only two hours away from all of this."

Her responding smile was warm. "I love it here. When I got the job as an instructor here after only a few weeks after my twenty-first birthday I was thrilled!"

_Twenty-one?!_ Instantly I felt slightly perverted for even considering her to be attractive. She seemed to notice the tiny cringe.

"I'm not twenty-one anymore!" she laughed, patting the neck of her dappled horse. "No, I've been working here for two years now."

"Two years?" So she was twenty-three. "Don't you get bored of the same thing, day in, day out? Same horses? The conversation must get a little repetitive."

She had the good grace to laugh at my appalling attempt at humour - I was trying to pick it up again, pick up my easy sense of what was funny and what wasn't, but it was difficult. Everything seemed difficult today. "The horses don't change that often, I'll give you that. But you meet new people every day, new conversations, new…experiences." Lesley caught my eye again, with that warm smile. "It's not uninteresting if you know what to look for."

_Was she coming on to me?_

"Hang on, I just need to go up front and talk to Steven - we're getting into more open ground now, so we need to split the groups up for those who are cantering and those who aren't. And don't worry," she flashed me a slightly cheekier smile. "I'll try and get the group that aren't. You're not doing too badly, though!"

She trotted around the horses in front of me (I realised that we'd been trailing a bit behind everyone else) and pulled in close to Steven's side - they leant towards each other, talking quietly. It was only natural for me to look from Lesley to Steven, and then Steven to… him.

_Just SAY it. Dr. Cox. Dr. Cox. Dr. Cox._

Even though I was somehow having a good time, I still couldn't help but feel the same plummeting sensation at acknowledging his name, even in my head; I remembered, flinching, the unbearable feel of the emotions I had felt last night, the constant and overwhelming desire to cut across the courtyard and find his room, hammer my fist on the door until he answered and force him to tell me why he couldn't love me. I was grateful this morning to have had Turk with me until the early hours of the morning, talking me through it, but still… the idea of demanding something from _him_ was outrageously appealing.

"Okay gang, it's time to separate into different groups! Those who want to try something a little more advanced, I want you to just bring your horses up here with me," Steven was saying, turning his horse to face us once again. "And the newbie's -"

Time stuttered to a halt as the name drifted into the shell of my ear; instinctively my eyes shot to Dr. Cox, but be it a miracle or the complete opposite, he didn't turn to acknowledge that he had associated the common term with me - to be completely fair, he hadn't even acknowledged I was there at all. For all I knew, he didn't know.

Again, a miracle or the opposite. I couldn't tell. My head and heart were screaming two very different things.

" - head over to the back there where that young gentleman in the dark blue top is right now - can you wave for us, young gentleman?"

I waved half-heartedly. Dr. Cox still didn't turn.

"Thank you very much - yes, if you just head over to him we can get this show on the road!"

Everyone milled around, nudging their horses in different directions until we were all separated into our two groups. Lesley trotted up next to me again.

"Okay, confident riders, follow me!"

In barely five seconds, the four or five people more confident in the saddle were already cantering away up the path - I shuddered, just imagining how it would feel on my poor tush were I to try it. Lesley motioned for me to join her up front (I couldn't help it, I felt a slight moment of pride even though I knew she was singling me out for conversation rather than the fact that I was a good example) and started to trot again. She started up where we'd left off.

"What about you? Don't you get bored, dealing with the same illnesses over and over again?"

I pondered over it for a few minutes. "I don't know, really. I mean, yeah, the illnesses are the same and it's rare that we get anything that completely stumps us, but… I think it's the varying symptoms that keep it mildly interesting, plus there's always the knowledge that you're helping people."

She grinned. "You doctors and your healing hands - what would we do without you?"

"It's really not that big a deal. I mean, the people you have around you make a difference too - like, friends and stuff."

"You mean outside of the hospital?"

I shook my head. "No, those around you - my best friend, Turk -"

"Great name!"

"It's his surname, don't get too excited," I joked. It was slightly easier now, knowing he was far ahead of me and I was back here, safe with the Brilliantly Distracting Lesley. "Well, he's a surgeon and it helps to have him around to rely on when it comes to calling a surgical consult. His wife, Carla -"

She made a noise of disappointment. "Damn, he's married? I thought Lesley Turk had a bit of a ring to it."

I looked at her - she was smiling, clearly just joking with me. "Oh yeah. We doctors, we get snapped up quick."

"Should I take that as 'back off, I'm taken and my girlfriend will totally kick your ass'?"

God knows how I did it, but my response was so inappropriate to the coursing feelings going through me for someone else - more pointedly, another man - that I questioned if it was really me moving my lips. "That depends - is there a reason I should be telling you to back off?"

Her cheeks flushed a light pink. "You might."

My eyes cut to the group ahead of us, singling him out in less than a second.

I made a choice.

"This may be a bit forward, Les - can I call you Les? No, scratch that, it makes you sound like a fat, butch lesbian." She laughed, a real laugh, one edged with a little adrenaline - I knew the feeling well - the knowledge that you were about to be hit on by someone you found attractive. Needless to say, if the last two months were to disappear off of my radar I'd be feeling a similar thing. "If you'd be interested, I have to go, none too willingly to the formal dinner tonight with a colleague or two." No doubt Kelso would be there, it wasn't a complete lie. "Would you maybe want to join me?"

"You mean… like a date?"

I couldn't miss the hope in her voice. I shrugged. "It… _can_ be like a date. If that's what you want."

Her expression became slightly defensive. "What do_ you_ want?"

The last time someone had asked me that, I had ended up turning what could have been something salvageable into something that would probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

I looked her straight in the eyes. "A date would be good."

Lesley's answering smile was so bright that I found I couldn't stare at it for long; true, she was only six years younger than me but the years she hadn't yet encountered were the ones that turned adolescent ignorance into adult cynicism - something I had learned, though not necessarily always paid heed to. Her smile was full of that ignorance, particularly as she had no clue that I was planning on using her to get over someone else. As per usual. I'd done it when I thought I loved Elliot and now… now I was doing it when I _knew_ I loved someone.

Oh, it was a bitch of a circle to be caught in.

I was so lost in thought that I completely blanked her out - whatever she had been saying to me was lost, and as we came up to a little stream in our way I felt a mass of confidence wash over me - even if I wasn't hugely interested in the sweet, friendly girl beside me, she clearly was somehow attracted to me and that more than anything inspired me into complete and utter stupidity.

Taking in a deep breath, I nudged my heels hard into the horse below me, my heart racing and adrenaline rushing as my imagination spurred ahead of me to how it would look when Ally jumped over the brook with me astride her, impressing not only Lesley but Dr. Cox too -

"John, _no!_"

Too late I recalled what she had said about my horse and her fear of water; as she broke into a terrifying canter towards the brook, she seemed to hesitate right at the last moment. Neighing loudly, clamping at the bit in her mouth, she reared up hard and fast, unseating me and, in classic Dorian bad luck, throwing my helmet off of my head before I hit the ground.

When I did finally hit the ground, it wasn't on the dirt where I could have just bruised my spine, noggin and ego - no, my body, deciding to carry on the shitty hotel tradition of making me feel and look like an ass, found itself crashing into the thin, shallow brook, body awkwardly landing so that my wrist hit the bank on one side hard, my head joining it milliseconds later.

I blacked out for a few seconds, my brain feeling as it were vibrating from the force of the fall, and as always when I fell unconscious, when I came to a few seconds later I was completely and utterly confused as to where I was.

"What… why am I wet?"

I tried to move to sit up.

"Okay, OW - why is my wrist hurting?"

A shadow fell over me - I looked up, to see Lesley looking down at me in alarm, her horse a few metres away. "Oh my gosh, John! Are you okay? Wait just there and don't move, I'll get a doctor - oh wait, your colleague, he's over there - EXCUSE ME? EXCUSE ME, DOCTOR -"

She leapt onto her horse, apparently not hearing my desperate noises in an attempt to stop her from getting 'my colleague' to come and help - I didn't want him to help me! I could sort this out myself, I was a doctor too!

I shifted myself again, using my good wrist to try and stand up - nope, my head had other ideas. I fell again, this time hitting my head on a rock on the way down - oh wow, yup, that was blood…

"Lesley said not to move!" a high pitched, panicked voice said from the side; one of the other beginners, a mousey-haired woman with a part-concerned, part-sickened experession on her face was half on, half off of her horse in an attempt to get down and 'help'. I groaned, shutting my eyes and once again trying to force myself up, ignoring the sounds of hoof beats on the ground coming closer and closer.

Within seconds, he was at my side.

"What in the hell do you think you're doing, trying to get up? You might be concussed," he said sharply, kneeling beside me and feeling up and down my arms for possible breaks. "Sit still whilst I check you over." His hands moved, to my ribs, my hips, to my legs -

"_I'm fine_," I hissed, pointlessly shoving his hands away with my non-painful wrist, trying to ignore how gentle his hands were on me - it was the usual way of a doctor, being firm but careful as they checked over a patient after a fall, but it still got to me. I continued to try my feeble attempts to push him off of me, but he refused to budge, looking me over.

"Sure you are," he said breezily, leaning over to get something that Steven was trying to pass to him - I took the opportunity, using the wrist furthest away from him - and incidentally, the one that was swelling up before my eyes - to push myself up into a standing position. The pain that shot up my arm caused a strange yelping noise to leap out of my throat, and the wooziness that flannelled my brain made my body move in the same direction it had just come from. Apparently it liked it there.

Before I had a chance to fall again, a pair of strong arms steadied me, practically holding me up; Dr. Cox's scent washed over me, masculine and undeniably beautiful, and without meaning to I found myself leaning onto his chest as he gripped both of my arms from behind. He didn't tell me not to - on the contrary, he moved himself closer. I knew it was just to support me, but I couldn't help wish he was doing it because he wanted to be close to me.

"Okay, that wrist looks pretty painful - can you move it?"

I could, though it hurt. Quite a lot.

"I'd say it's just a light sprain, Newbie, nothing to freak out over." He gently pressed his fingertips over the swelling, feeling to make sure he wasn't wrong - he wasn't. I knew he wasn't. He was a brilliant diagnostician, and I didn't doubt for one second that he knew exactly how bad the sprain was, how deep the cut on my scalp was and if I was concussed or not. "I'm going to have to get you back to the hotel, so I can check you over properly - can someone help me get him up onto my horse?"

"No horses!" I mumbled sleepily, suddenly overwhelmingly desirous to go to sleep. Dr. Cox growled in the back of his throat, practically baring his teeth.

"We have to get you to the hotel, Newbie, no two ways about it. Don't argue with me, just -" He guided me slowly towards his horse, which, for whatever reason, whinnied and backed away from me, scuffing its hooves on the ground and snorting.

It reminded me a little of Perry. I snorted, lost in my own little world.

He growled again - I vaguely wondered if he knew what I was thinking. He usually did.

"Newbie, just let me get you on the damned horse."

He made an attempt to lift me up there, but I wriggled away and fell against the horse's quivering flank, making it rear up slightly and glare at me with fire in its eyes - oh, I would KILL Turk, now even unicorns would scare me!

Dr. Cox glared at me for a moment, ice-blue eyes both irritated and blatantly pissed off, before he suddenly turned around and faced Steven.

"So what am I supposed to do with him if he won't go near the horse?"

I turned slightly, facing away from him as I took in the scene around me; everything and everyone seemed to be swaying back and forth, hazed at the edges - I gulped, confused by this image and suddenly feeling like all I wanted in the world was to be safe and back at home with Turk and Carla, watching 'Sanford and Son' and just in the comfort of my own home - rather than in these woods with complete strangers and the man that was driving me half-insane just by being here.

I didn't have time to dwell on it for long.

"As you won't get on a horse -"

His voice came from directly behind me, and without warning I was swept up into the air - for a few moments time decided to suspend itself, leaving me staring at the leaves, sky and clouds above us and in blissful ignorance as to what was happening - and all too soon found myself cradled in a pair of arms.

_His_ arms.

Dr. Cox's. Arms.

"No, I can walk -" I struggled, my head spinning and my eyes desperate to close, but my instincts somehow reminding me that this was the very last thing I should want when I was trying to get over him. His arms tightened their grasp as he started to walk, ignoring my pleas as the group of horses made their way slowly behind us - I couldn't fight it anymore. I closed my eyes.

Once again, my relief didn't last long.

"Don't you dare go to sleep, Newbie," he sad roughly, shaking me a little. I cracked my eyes open, seeing him looking straight ahead of him, strong jaw so close to me that I could touch it if I wanted to. I thought about it momentarily but stopped myself, from fear of getting killed. "If you _are_ concussed, which is likely, you going to sleep is about the worst thing you can do. Do you feel any nausea?"

My palm flattened itself over my stomach instinctively. "No. My head hurts though."

He rolled his eyes. "Well _that's_ helpful. Anyone after a fall - no, wait, _two_ falls like yours would have a painful head."

"Whatever," I mumbled, shutting my eyes again and listening to the sound of the birds around us, the gentle clip-clopping of the hooves (from the horses of DOOM) and… what was that? That weird thrumming noise? I concentrated hard, trying to figure it out -

"NEWBIE! I said no sleeping!" He shook me again, a little harder this time. "Carla would _kill_ me if you ended up dying, so don't you dare. And don't think this will get you out of the dinner tonight either, because you're not getting away with anything _that_ easily."

It was his _heartbeat_! Even though my head was closer to his shoulder than his heart, I could still hear it, just about - I pressed my head closer, shutting my eyes so I could focus on the feel of it… I faintly acknowledged him stiffening against my pressing closer to him, but I couldn't help it. The noise was just… so… soothing…

**X X X X X**

When I woke up next, I was in my room. There was running water coming from somewhere - was someone filling the tub for me? My head was pounding and my wrist felt like it had ten bricks attached to it, but all in all… no, all in all I still felt like crap. I sat up, surprised to find myself on a sofa rather than a bed, and even more surprised to find the little fireplace in the living area was lit. I glanced down at my body, slightly disgusted by the dried mud that was on my skin, and confused as to how my shoes, socks and top had been removed but not my pants and underwear.

Hesitantly, I lifted my good hand up to touch the back of my head where it was hurting the most, and cursed as I met the feel of a stitched-up cut.

"Y'know, most people are smart enough _not_ to touch new wounds."

The voice made me turn - too fast, initiating more pain - to face where it was coming from. Dr. Cox stood behind me, no longer wearing the dark grey t-shirt and instead wearing a dark charcoal blue long sleeved top with the sleeves pushed up. I ignored the ache in my chest that was competing with the pain in my head as I fought against the knowledge of how safe and comfortable he looked, and instead tried to concentrate on what he was doing in here in the first place.

"You… carried me here?" The memory was hazy, but I could vaguely remember the smell of him being overpowering, as well as a steady rhythm in my ear that had been so wonderfully relaxing to listen to.

He nodded shortly. "Had to quickly get a change of clothes after you bled all over my t-shirt -" I felt slightly ashamed and slightly _more_ pleased, "but you'll be happy to hear that you're not concussed - somehow - and that the sleep you're likely to want in the next few hours would be good for your recovery."

I knew this, but I humoured him. I liked the feel of him taking care of me. I knew I was just kidding myself that he cared about my welfare, but it was reassuring when he was the only one in the room. I'd rather pretend he cared than assume he was still pissed off or annoyed or whatever he had been.

He took a step towards me. "You need to get into the tub."

I nodded, surprised that he had cared enough to run a bath for me. I stood.

The hesitation that radiated from him was palpable.

I waited.

He sighed. "In your condition… for the love of god, in your condition you shouldn't be in water alone."

I couldn't help it - I snorted. "What, in case I get some sort of 'Nam flashback?"

Dr. Cox's jaw tightened.

"Even if you don't have concussion, you could still pass out. You need someone in there to make sure you don't."

_Oh._

"Umm. So. You're going to…"

"That seems to be the way of it."

I gulped. "Can't Carla or Turk…?"

He smirked. "The Turk's are currently getting an in-room massage. Unfortunately it would appear that I'm your only option at this moment in time."

_Damn, damn, damn_.

"Right, well, I'll just -" I motioned towards the bathroom. He nodded, jaw still tight as I shuffled my way to the door and pushed it open. I couldn't help but feel relief at the sight of bubbles frothed up to the sides - at least this way I could hide Mr Peeps without making it seem to obvious that I was embarrassed as hell at him having to see me naked.

_He's seen you naked before._

"I know!" I hissed to my brain, pushing my pants and underwear off of my body, stepping out of them and into the bath - god, the water was warm. Hot, even. I eased myself into it, using my good hand to slowly lower myself in. I rearranged the bubbles around myself, making sure nothing was visible before calling out tentatively,

"I'm… ready?"

He walked in, shutting the door behind him but not bothering to lock it - who would come in, after all? I watched warily as he sat down on the toilet seat, keeping his eyes away from me the entire time.

It was incredibly awkward.

I managed to scrub the dirt away from the front of my body, taking care not to jar my wrist as I moved the posh hotel sponge over myself, but as soon as I got to my back and my shoulders I hissed in pain - his eyes glanced over at me.

"Feeling a little stiff?"

I flushed bright pink, despite knowing his question was completely innocent - he smirked as he had done earlier in the living area, and stood up.

"Turn around."

With intense trepidation, I did as he asked, leaving the sponge on the side of the tub and staring at the white tiles opposite me. Why, for the love of Jesus, had it been him that had to have been horse riding? Why had I let him pick me up, bring me back and generally take care of me? I wished, not for the first time that day, that Turk had come with me because _then_ at least I'd be spared the hideous embarrassment of this whole saga. I listened to Dr. Cox cross the room, kneeling beside the tub behind me - again, his scent spread around me and, though I tried to deny it within myself, comforted me despite the situation.

He sighed quietly.

Firmly but, I couldn't help but notice, gently, he started to rub my back with the sponge, taking care to get rid of the dirt that the brook water and sludge had left on me. He was extremely efficient, and it was without thinking that I joked,

"Your sponge baths would make Nurse Roberts proud."

The tiniest of 'hmmph's and a rub that was slightly too hard made it clear what he thought of my comment, but I didn't care. The feel of the hot water and the light touch of the sponge on my back felt wonderful - I felt at ease for the first time since arriving, and no matter how much I told myself otherwise, I was well aware that the company was a part of it too. There was nothing sexual in what he was doing, no ulterior motive - he was very simply taking care of me, though I knew it was hardly his choice. There was no one else to do it, after all.

Suddenly he hit a spot that hurt, directly over my right shoulderblade - I took in a quick breath, clenching my fists.

He stopped. "Does that hurt?"

"A bit," I replied quietly, not wanting to seem like a baby. He pressed the sponge onto it again - another intake of breath. I could practically hear it in his voice that he knew I was lying.

"Just a bit?"

I rolled my eyes, glad he couldn't see. For all I knew, he'd drown me if I pissed him off even a little. "Okay, a lot."

"It looks like your shoulder took some of the weight when you fell; it's probably going to feel tender for a few days, but other than some pretty impressive bruising you should be fine."

I nodded gently, closing my eyes as he gentled his strokes with the sponge, soaking it with hot water and lightly brushing it over the spot where it hurt. Though it still throbbed, his milder approach when sponging the area somehow made it a little easier to bear. I was, without intention, becoming almost intoxicatingly relaxed.

"Turn back around." His voice was quieter - I don't know if he'd picked up on how I was feeling, but whatever it was, the change was noticeable and soothing in the slightly echoing bathroom. I turned slowly, careful not to jar my head, equally careful not to bash my wrist. It was already starting to hurt more from the heat of the water.

His seemed to remember something. "Show me your hands."

I lifted them out of the water and showed them to him - he made a clicking noise with his tongue, shaking his head irritably.

"Your palms, Penelope."

I turned them so that the palms were facing upwards, and found myself intrigued - though most of the dirty had come away naturally from the water and the sponge, there were cuts all over them - how had I not noticed that?

He still wouldn't look me in the eye. "You probably did that when you tried getting up when I specifically told you not to." A wry almost-smile. "Just keep them like that for me."

Dr. Cox leant over towards the sink, running the hot water from the faucet and rinsing the sponge underneath it - he moved back, pressing the now searing-hot material onto the cuts - I pulled my hands away, reacting to the pain instinctively. I clasped them to my chest, my eyes shooting up to look at him - he was staring right at me. As our eyes met, his gaze refused to waver - instead, he leant over and gently prised one of my hands back, palm-up, keeping his eyes on me.

"I'll do it as gently as I can, kid, okay?"

I half-nodded. "It just hurts."

At that point, I wasn't sure if I meant the cuts of the unabridged eye-contact. The tiniest narrowing of his eyes alerted me to the fact that he probably knew it too.

"I know it hurts." Gently he swabbed the sponge over the cuts again - I went to pull the hand away once more, but he kept a light grasp on it, careful not to hurt my wrist in the process. He was looking intently at my palm as before, rather than into my eyes - it was slightly relieving. "I know that you're in a lot of pain right now." Another swab, even gentler still. I wondered if he was just speaking to distract me from what he was doing. "But you know there's nothing I can do right now to help."

I shrugged, wincing slightly as he continued to clean out the cuts, wincing from the skin contact. "I've been in more pain than this before, it doesn't matter."

Dr. Cox's eyes lifted to meet mine again. "Doesn't stop me from wanting to take it away." At this comment, his grasp seemed to tighten, eyes falling away as his whole body seemed to stiffen. Clearly he hadn't meant to say it. A rush of something close to adrenaline rushed through me, making me shiver and giving me goose pimples.

For a moment he hesitated, his eyes travelling up my arm to where my hairs were standing on end - I shut my eyes, annoyed and self-conscious that my body would give me and my feelings away so easily. Still, it had done it before, I remembered wryly, thinking back to the first few times we had been in close contact without anything _purely_ sexual behind it.

I stopped those thoughts as quickly as I could. Mr Peeps making a guest appearance would _not_ help matters.

He let go of my left hand, reaching out and taking my right.

"Thank you."

Raising an eyebrow, he allowed himself a glance at me. "What?"

I waved my left hand about, regretting the action as soon as the sharp pain made its way up my arm again. "For this. For taking care of me. For… for all of this. I really appreciate it."

He focused on the job at hand once again. The pain wasn't as bad as before. "It's my job, Hayley, nothing more."

_Nothing more._ The hand he was cleansing suddenly clenched, along with the one in the bathwater - I ignored the coursing pain. He looked up at me again, and as I was getting so adept at doing, I read from his eyes that he knew exactly what I was thinking about.

Minutely, Dr. Cox shook his head.

"This isn't the time or the place to get angry, Claudia, so would you do me a favour and calm down?" His voice was still so _quiet_. It was bizarre, considering what topic we were skirting along. "It won't help either of us."

I shut my eyes, knowing he was right. I didn't want to get like I did last night - anger could wait. "You're right. Sorry."

His eyes flew up to mine in surprise. "You're actually going to drop it? My, we're placid today, aren't we?"

Somehow I maintained silence. He added, quietly, almost so quiet that I couldn't hear, "Quite a difference to yesterday."

A flash of horror passed through me - did he know? About how I was last night?

"What…?"

He half-smiled. "You were so cold yesterday it was like Christmas come early." His nose wrinkled in disgust. Everyone knew of his hatred for Christmas.

"I'm sorry for that," I said - and it was genuine. Though for the first couple of days the numbness had been a blessing, I hadn't wanted to be that way with him - I think a part of me had even hoped that I could be normal with him again, or as normal as we could possibly be. As much as it pained me to admit it, he _had_ been right when he'd said it was my choice to go back to how things were. "It was my choice to… well, it was my choice. I should have stuck by it."

Again, he looked surprised, quickly followed by thoughtful, and then, as if by magic, indifferent. I took my hand away from him, suddenly guarded. The indifference was worse than the scorn.

"What?" My tone was a little belligerent, but it didn't seem to phase him. Instead, stunning me and probably himself, he replied in a quiet tone so unlike him,

"Just when I think I know what's going on in your head, you turn around and say something the complete opposite."

The bath, though now lukewarm, seemed freezing to the fire that shot through my skin at his words. I turned my eyes on him, opening my mouth and preparing to ask him the question that had lingered on my mind since he'd carried me here.

I waited a moment too long.

"There's a fresh towel on the heater. I'll see you at the formal dinner later." Without warning, he stood, turning away from me and projecting that almost-visible defence barrier I had come to find as disturbingly familiar - without so much as a goodbye, he stalked out of the room and into the bedroom.

Without any conscious thought, I hoisted myself (painfully and idiotically) fast out of the tub, grabbing the towel and wrapping it around my waist. With fierce determination, I was out of the bathroom door in four strides, my eyes landing on him just as he stepped over the threshold of the door.

I couldn't hold it back any longer.

"Do you care for me at all?"

My voice was a little breathless, but carried clear across the room - for minutes we stood, his back towards me and my eyes focused on his head, willing him to turn around and answer me.

I grew impatient.

"Do you?"

Slowly, so slowly it seemed unreal, he turned until he was facing me, his stare gradually moving to meet mine. The frustration and something impossible to define that blazed from the depths of his eyes froze me in my place.

His lips separated.

"I'll see you by the stairs at eight. Don't try and bail - Kelso'd fire us both."

The door slammed shut behind him.


	20. Figure

**Chapter Twenty - Figure**

_**JD POV**_

Even _I_ had to admit it.

The tux looked _good_.

"You look so sweet, Bambi," Carla practically cooed, shifting me around with her hands and looking me up and down with a critical eye. "I honestly can say that if I wasn't with Turk I'd probably fall in love with you in that."

I grinned at her via the mirror. "Really? Do you think Lesley will like it?"

With a fond smile she nodded, resting her hands on my shoulders. "If she doesn't, she's clearly a lesbian."

_Then 'Les' would be perfect for her…_

"What time are you meeting her?"

I checked my watch. "Damn, in five minutes - are you sure this waistcoat is okay? I wasn't sure whether to bring the grey one or the black one -"

"The grey one looks nice, JD, don't worry. It makes your eyes look sort of silvery."

I flashed another grin at her, feeling more confident with every breath. I could _do_ this. "Thanks, Carla. Are you sure you don't want to come?"

She sighed. "I'd love to, but Turk has _other_ ideas. And I _wish_ I was talking about sex."

I nodded sympathetically. "I saw, the hotel serves brinner. I'm sorry."

We smiled at each other, and not for the first time I found myself feeling incredibly lucky to have her in my life. Turk couldn't have picked better.

She turned me around so that I was facing her. "Are you ready for this?"

I didn't have to ask to know that she wasn't just talking about the dinner and Lesley.

"I've got to be."

With a final, encouraging smile and pat on the back, she hedged me out of the room and handed me my key card. "If you need me, I'm a text message away."

I knew it. I leant down and kissed her on the cheek, hoping that the action conveyed just how grateful I was to her; then, with increasing confidence and in equal measure, consternation, I made my way to the stairs. Right at the top, waiting with her hands demurely in her lap, was Lesley. She looked, in a word, _amazing_ - her strawberry blonde hair fell in waves over her back and shoulders, her face flawlessly applied with subtle make-up - just enough to enhance her features - and sheathed in a floor-length coffee-coloured dress that hugged her curves and made her instantly look taller.

I smiled at her, taking her hand in mine and lifting it for a kiss. _Oh yeah, that's smooth._ I felt like Jack in Titanic…

"Well, Miss… Lesley, I'm sorry, I don't know your surname."

She laughed, bells and silvery things sounding from her throat. She really was incredibly attractive, in everything. "It's Thompson."

"Miss Thompson, are you ready to descend the stairs?"

She inclined her head, playing along with the game. "I am, Dr. Dorian. Shall we?"

I kept a hold of her hand, going a step in front of her as I led her down each step - walking down the stairs was _awesome_, once again being reminded of Jack in Titanic (I would _have_ to watch that film when I got home) whilst taking care not to go too fast and cause her to trip in her scarily high heels. I realised just how tiny she was when she still only managed to come up to my ear-lobe.

We reached the bottom, both of us nodding regally to people as they passed, earning an imperial few back - at one point we accidentally met the other's eye, causing us to erupt into a fit of giggles and grasp each others arms in an attempt to silence us from our childish amusements; I suddenly felt much better about the entire situation, confidence levels shooting through the roof. Not only was this girl beautiful, she was playing along with my little games without hesitating for a second - she was perfect.

_Almost._

And THAT was when I made the mistake of glancing up at the stairs.

Dr. Cox was descending the stairs at a quicker pace than we had done, yet somehow miraculously maintaining the look of someone who has better places to be - his tux, black with a waistcoat disturbingly similar to mine fit him so flawlessly, so painstakingly striking against the deep red of the staircase, that a lump appeared in my throat.

"Is that your friend from earlier on today?" Lesley whispered, looking at him with as much awe as I was. I nodded, dumbstruck as he reached the bottom of the stairs and turned his attention directly onto me..

His eyes skated over to Lesley and then back, hardening.

The lump in my throat grew.

"Good evening, Dr. Cox," I practically squeaked, suddenly reaching out to grab Lesley's hand - I needed all the support I could get when he was looking at me like that. "Will Dr. Kelso and the board members be joining us soon?"

He looked away and towards the hall. "Yep."

Lesley tugged on my hand lightly - I looked down at her. Her eyes went from mine to rest on Dr. Cox, questioning his cold attitude. I shrugged, pretending I had no idea why he was suddenly so icy - then again, it wasn't much of a pretence. We hadn't been told that we were allowed a 'date', and he hadn't brought one - most likely he was pissed off at me for bringing someone and making him look like an idiot for having no one.

That or he was jealous.

My stomach fizzed gleefully at the idea of it.

I forced myself to stand a little taller. "Dr. Cox, this is Lesley Thompson - she was one of our riding instructors today."

The look he shot me was _horrible_ - it froze my insides, making me want to crouch behind my date and wait until he went away again.

But then he turned his attention to her.

"Miss Thompson, it's a pleasure," he said smoothly, a small smile forming on his lips. "No doubt you're tired after our drama earlier on today, it was good of you to come."

Clearly surprised at this change too, Lesley smiled brightly and extended her hand to him to shake - instead, he took it much as I had and kissed it, holding her eyes with his until the very last moment, allowing her to take it back.

My jaw dropped in both frustration, jealousy and miffed-ness at being outplayed.

"Thank you very much, Dr. Cox - I wouldn't have missed it for the world. John was kind enough to invite me before his… accident," she said, grinning a cheeky smile at me. "I'm very much looking forward to it, I haven't been to many of these formal dinners."

His eyes shot up, playing surprised. "Is that so? Well, I'm sure _John_ and I will do our best to make it so that you won't forget it." A warm smile in her direction. I took care to not let my fists clench. I couldn't miss the delighted smile he received in return, and wondered how it was that he could charm anyone, yet chose to make my life hell.

_Bastard_.

"Dr. Cox, Dr. Dorian."

Kelso had arrived with this posse of board members; each of them in turn looked from Cox, to me, to Lesley - she edged backwards slightly, overwhelmed at the male attention she was receiving. Dr. Kelso in particular was taking a disturbingly close interest.

"I do apologise young lady, we don't appear to have been introduced," he smarmed in what I liked to call his 'Pervetastic' tone. "I'm Robert Kelso, Dr. Robert Kelso, Chief of Medicine for Sacred Heart Hospital."

I stepped forward. "Sir, this is Lesley Thompson - she's a riding instructor here at the hotel."

A devilish smile - I no longer felt like a pervert for finding a twenty-three year old attractive, not when Kelso was clearly feeling the same way. "Perhaps one day before I leave you can teach me your style of riding."

Somehow the sexual implications were lost on her - or maybe she was just good at acting? "It would be my pleasure, sir."

Kelso shot me a look of commendation, before turning to face the board.

"Shall we, gentleman?"

We made our way into the huge banquet hall, chandeliers and over-dressed people aplenty - it was a magnificent room.

"This is _so_ Titanic," Lesley murmured beside me, her eyes taking in everything as discreetly as she could manage. "They clearly watched that film and redecorated."

Not for the first time that evening I found myself looking at her with increasing interest. Perfection, at least for me, didn't get much closer than this.

"I say we do some exploring later, see if we can't find a bunch of Irish musicians to dance in front of," I whispered back, grinning at her as we were led to a table at the back of the room, near the bar and the terrace. "I hope you've got your ballet shoes on…"

She erupted into a fit of silent giggles, doing her best to suppress them as we sat at the table - as we settled down, a man on a podium in the very center of the room stood and clinked his glass to call us to attention; we all looked towards him, Lesley still shuddering with laughter beside me.

"Welcome, one and all, to this evening's formal Dinner and Dance!" Lesley and I looked at each other in horror; clearly she wasn't one for dancing either. "I am thrilled to announce the presence of the doctors and board members of Sacred Heart hospital." He gestured towards us, an embarrassing amount of applause coming from the room at large. The girl I was steadily becoming fond of beside me clapped a little, winking. "Please enjoy your evening, Ladies and Gentleman, and do not hesitate to dance the night away, if you so wish." With a flourishing bow (how tacky, even for me) he descended the stage and everyone's conversations started up once again.

Lesley rolled her eyes at me. "Okay, enough speeches, when does the food get here?"

Dr. Cox (who, by some miracle, I had forgotten was even present and, by some misfortune, was sitting on my left-hand side) leant over and flashed a smile at her. "Tell me about it; these places really know how to bore you enough that you spend a fortune at the bar."

She laughed, fiddling with her napkin and placing it on her lap - he leant back again, ignoring me and focusing his attention on the waiter who had made his way around to take our orders. I glanced at the menu in front of me, but found that I couldn't concentrate, for the life of me - this was so awkward! I picked two dishes at random for my starter and main course, pointing at them so I wouldn't get the pronunciation wrong - Lesley did the same, flashing her eyes up at me as if to let me know that I wasn't the only one. I smiled at her, glad she was here, even if I knew nothing about her other than her name, age and occupation.

**X X X X X**

"So, _John_! Your long weekend seems to have got a _whole_ lot better, wouldn't you say?"

Dr. Cox's voice sounded both mocking and drunk, as he ambled towards me on the terrace where Lesley and I had escaped to after dinner to get to know each other a little better, though at the moment (unfortunately) I was alone after she demanded that it was her round of drinks. I stiffened beside him, sipping my beer and shrugging.

"She's a nice girl."

His derivative snort was so expected that I failed to feel anything from it. It was the usual story - he mocked me, I pretended I didn't care… same old, same old.

"She's more than a nice girl, _John -_" his repeating of my real name was starting to grate on my nerves, as it had done all night when talking to Lesley across from me. "She's a hot little piece. She'll give _you_ a good time tonight, no doubt."

I turned away from him slightly, rolling my eyes. "Sure."

He leant his back against the railings, eyeing me. "You don't sound so sure there."

He was really starting to piss me off.

"Having sex with her isn't really on the forefront of my mind, Perry."

_Ha. Perry._

"Why the hell not? _I_ would. If you're not interested, I'll happily take the responsibility off of your back."

I turned to face him properly, anger heating me from inside. "Then feel free, I really don't care either way."

His responding grin didn't help my emotions whatsoever. "Course you do, it would kill you if I took her back to my room right now and gave her a good seeing to -"

"Then _do_ it, Dr. Cox, just go in there and sweep her off of her feet! Clearly you don't care if _I_ care, so why don't you just get it over with and stop tormenting me?" I exploded, slamming my bottle down on the little round table next to me. "I've given up! Are you happy now?"

He pursed his lips, intently meeting my gaze without flinching. "Given up on what, exactly?"

_I DON'T want to do this now._ "Given up waiting to see even a glimpse of you actually giving a shit whether I'm happy or not."

"No offence, Johnny, but entertaining the idea that I might 'give a shit' was stupid in the first place, doncha think?"

I pushed myself off of the railings and made to walk away from him. "Whatever, just do what you want."

His hand shot out, grabbing my painful wrist and yanking me to a stop - I wrenched myself from his grasp, the pain of it searing through and giving my anger a new burn. "WHAT? What is it you _want_ from me? Do you want to look at me as I crumble in front of you? You're good at that, actually, you do that _really_ well, so feel free! Feel free to follow me from the room, over to my building and into my bedroom, feel absolutely goddamned _at liberty_ to watch me fall apart as you do absolutely nothing to stop it."

He was suddenly right in front of me, eyes blazing. "You know what, kid, I'm not the only one who's good at pretending not to notice the obvious!" Dr. Cox's breath was hot on my face; he smelt of scotch, of alcohol, of frustration.

"I can't be expected to figure out what's going on in your head all the time - why should I have to do it when you show no interest whatsoever in knowing what's going on in mine? You're so good at head-fucking that to even assume what's going on in that messed-up mind of yours is completely and utterly pointless, so please, PLEASE, just leave me to get over you in peace!" I went to leave again, but his body blocked me - he was breathing hard, eyes still afire, still completely and utterly focused on me. His hands reached out, grabbing me by the lapels of my tuxedo jacket, yanking me closer.

"You're not _allowed _to get over me."

I struggled against him. "Don't DO this to me, I -" I tried to get myself away by violently moving against his grip, but nothing.

" - I don't want to _love _you like this anymore!" I shoved at his chest, hard - a shove not dissimilar to the one that had started this whole thing - and managed to pull myself from his grip. He stepped back, keeping his balance, his hands still clenched in front of him.

The gaze that met mine was powerful.

The realisation that I had just told him I loved him was even more so.

A tiny intake of breath from behind me alerted me to the fact that we were no longer alone. I turned in what felt like slow motion, facing Lesley who stood, eyes wide, a drink in each hand.

"I see," she said simply, blinking fast, working things out in her mind. "I see."

I lowered my head, unable to met her frank and open eyes. "Lesley, I -"

"No John, it's fine," she said, her tone strangely casual despite what she had just witnessed. "I was thinking of turning in anyway." Without stopping her stride, she leant over to me and kissed me lightly on the cheek, before turning her eyes onto Dr. Cox. Her hazel gaze hardened.

"Goodnight then, doctor."

He nodded stiffly to her, making his way around the both of our bodies and losing himself in the mass of people in the hall - I let my eyes drift back to her, apologies ripe on my tongue. She shook her head.

"Don't. We'll talk another time."

With that, she turned and walked in the same direction as Dr. Cox, still holding the drinks that she had bought for us, still looking stunningly beautiful amidst the crowd of black and white.

My heart stuttered to a halt for a few moments, before I finally forced my lead-filled legs to follow in their footsteps.

I thought of nothing, of nothings as I made my way across the courtyard to my room, my head buzzing with all that had just happened, my stomach spasming over and over as I recalled the words I had let go to the man I had intended them for, yet had never intended to admit to. Blindly, without really knowing what I was doing, I unlocked the door to my room and fell into it, not bothering to even close the door. I crawled over to the bed, staying knelt beside it, simply resting my head on it and clenching my fists closed and open, closed and open, repeating the action in a desperate attempt to make my aching chest regain its calm. I couldn't feel my heart, couldn't feel its beating and it was from that that I knew the words I'd let slip from inside had gone and ripped it from its core, throwing it at the feet of someone who would never think to return it.

A door closed behind me.

A pair of hands, strong, capable hands wrapped themselves over the top of my arms, gradually pulling me to my feet - a whisper in the back of my mind thanked Turk for arriving at the right moment again, wishing at the same time that he didn't have to see me like this - I was broken before, but now I was simply ash, burnt out from the emotions I had created and witnessed. There was nothing he could say or do that would make me feel whole again - no one could, nothing.

Turk carefully unhooked the jacket from around my shoulders, sliding it down my arms, knowing somehow that silence was imperative at that second, minute and moment in time - I heard the sound of it hit the floor, a little shushing sound that was too loud in the silence, too abrupt and too sharp. I forced my body to turn itself around, my lips forming a 'thank you' that I knew would probably not be voiced, incapable of even the simplest of words -

The strong, capable hands lifted and cupped my face between them.

_Not Turk_.

My eyes filled with tears against my better judgement - he moved forward, leaning his forehead against mine, shaking his head in the tiniest movements, back and forth.

"Don't cry, for the love of god: don't cry."

His voice was low, quieter than I had ever heard it, and full of something I had never heard from him before - _regret_. His skin was warm against mine, cold from the night air outside, his breath on my face still warm with the scent of scotch. His thumbs, on the hands that still framed my face so gently, were lightly brushing at my cheeks, rough against the soft, delicate skin.

A huge breath left me, shuddering me entire body as the tears started to fall.

_Don't do this to me, don't do this…_

His lips met mine in a kiss softer than I had ever known them, capturing mine and making them his own once again, separating so that I could feel the heat of his breath lingering between us - I couldn't move forward to close the tiny gap, couldn't meet his kiss, couldn't respond how I once did automatically.

A whisper escaped me. "Please don't do this, don't do this, not now -"

Dr. Cox brushed his lips over mine again, his hands moving back slightly so that his fingers were threaded through my hair, moving my face so that his lips could press closer to his own - I was shaking my head in tiny movements, side to side, tears hot on my cheeks again.

"Please stop, I can't handle it -"

His hands left my hair, trailing down until they met the bow-tie at the top of my shirt; leisurely he pulled it until it came loose. He slid it from underneath my collar and dropped it to the floor, never stopping his kiss, never moving away from me. My chest ached from the contact, wondering how he could have possibly come here to rip me apart even more. His lips shifted mine apart, his breath mingling with mine as he simply moved his lips over mine, not quite kissing but instead just letting me feel the light pressure of his lips on me.

I took in another deep breath, shuddering once more. Maybe if I just didn't react he would stop.

His fingers pushed the top button of my shirt from its hole, letting his fingertips stroke the skin it revealed before moving onto the next - unhurriedly he undid each and every one until his fingers had trailed the length of my chest, to the waistband of my trousers.

He made no move to undo them.

Kissing me properly again with a little more movement than before, he ran his palms from my stomach to my shoulders, the rough warmth of it making my body treacherously respond - but I kept it quiet. I shut my eyes, determined not to give into his sadistic desire to break me down even further as he shifted the shirt from my shoulders, pushing it down my arms all the while saying nothing about the way I failed to respond. Maybe that's what he wanted. To dominate me completely. The way he had wanted to before.

The kiss stopped and for one wild moment I thought that he would leave and let me go free, but instead he leant his forehead against my temple, breathing against me, his right hand moving from his side. Lightly, so light that it was like a second breath against me, he skated his fingertips from the top of my shoulder and down the length of my arm, raising goose-bumps and managing to making my breathing a little less smooth - I kept my eyes closed, refusing to look at him and concede that he had elicited a reaction from me, regardless of how small.

His head turned, and his left arm made the same motion, so gentle that I couldn't help but wonder if I'd seriously mistaken this and it wasn't him. I opened my eyes.

Dr. Cox's burning gaze met mine.

"Why are you doing this?" My voice was tiny, a pathetic whisper.

His hands, which had been lingering on my wrists, moved down and captured my own hands, using them to pull me closer to him, his lips meeting mine once again - this was insane, absolutely insane. All I had to do was call out Turk's name and he would come running, would get rid of Dr. Cox from my room - from my life - and I could just _move on_. Finally, I could drive myself to get over him.

Now his hands were moving in the direction I had been waiting for; they unbuckled my belt, the metal clicking as he slid it from the bands holding them against my trousers - another sound that was too loud in the silence of the room. He dropped the belt to the floor with his right hand, his left working the button and zipper on the waistband -

"_Why?_"

Still he gave no answer. The sound of the flies being undone made my breath hitch in my throat, my eyes darting down to where both of his hands were now fixing themselves around the waistband, edging them over my hips until they fell to the ground.

His eyes sought mine.

"Lay down."

I remained still. He moved his intense stare away, slipping his own jacket off and steadily stripping himself of his own clothes - I watched, torn with the combination of wanting to run and wanting to touch, as he straightened up once more, wearing just a pair of boxers and the same intense stare.

I bit my lip.

The tiniest of smiles alighted upon his face, his fingertips lifting to touch the part of my bottom lip where my teeth met it - I released my lip, eyes desperately searching his for an answer to all of this. I could do the usual thing of pretending it was all because he gave a shit, but it was far more likely that it was just another power play…

_But this intensity…_

"Lay down… please."

I couldn't stop myself, even though my head screamed at me to - I backed onto the bed, scooting myself backwards and then slowly, tentatively lying down, keeping my eyes on him. Without saying another word, he climbed onto the bed, legs apart as he nestled them on either side of my legs, moving until he was practically astride me. It was only then that I realised just how ridiculously hard I was, how much I had responded to him despite trying otherwise - I took in a few short, sharp breaths, waiting for him to make a move. Carefully, as if being careful so as not to put me on edge, he leant his body down until his chest met mine, hands on either side of my head to support himself.

When his lips met mine again, I didn't hold back.

Kissing Dr. Cox here, in this room, at this moment was different to every other time to now. His lips were still so softly pressing into mine, the movement not the usual hurried 'let's get this over with before someone catches us' kind of speed; instead, he was taking his time, taking my lower lip between his teeth and biting on it gently - I groaned lightly, loving the feel of it. He grinned - that beautiful crooked one that made my heart miss a few beats - and continued to kiss me. His tongue slipped between my lips, urging me to let him in; I didn't deny him, and as his tongue slid against mine, hot and somehow sweet, I felt my hands move up to wrap around his neck, pulling him closer to me, putting into every second of the kiss just how much this meant - both in pain and pleasure. His responding growl, almost a purr, somehow made me certain without words spoken that he understood and that the insistent way his tongue now darted and swirled around mine was his way of connecting with it. Whether he felt the same I didn't know, and finally, I didn't care.

He was as good at blocking out the bad thoughts as he was creating them.

As our breath mingled together, lust and a combination of my own love for him creating a taste unfamiliar to me, his left hand trailed down my chest, nails scraping lightly over my warm flesh as he moved towards his goal. The gentle pressure of him on top of me was already driving me near to insanity, and as soon as his fingers tantalisingly swept over the very tip of my erection I gasped, all of the held-back desire and attraction I had felt for him since the dinner we'd had before the trip dragging its way out of my throat and into reality. He did it again, his lips moving from mine to trail their way over my jaw and to my earlobe - I loved it when he did that, my ears were so sensitive… he knew it too, his teeth nipping at the edges of me, his breathing hard and laboured in the delicate shell of my ear.

His hand cupped my erection gently, his lips moving to my throat.

I shut my eyes.

A scorching whisper against my skin.

"Take your boxers off."

There was no hesitation in me as I did what he had asked of me. My hands went from where they had travelled to the smooth skin of his rippling shoulders to my own waistband, hooking my thumbs over the edge and easing them down as easily as I could with him still on top of me, his tongue and lips still on my neck as I pushed the material aside and lay naked both physically and emotionally beneath him. Dr. Cox pushed himself up onto his knees, looking down on my body with a hazed look in his eyes that was far more familiar to me - the look of lust was avid, smoking almost, and made my palms flatten themselves against the cool covers of the bed in an attempt to stop myself from yanking him back down to me.

His hands reached down to his own boxers. With the usual speed and grace that never failed to amaze me, he took them off and threw them to the end of the bed - we both watched as they slowly fell from the material of the sheets and to the floor.

He turned his gaze back to me again.

"I have to tell you…" his voice was a rasp, so low that it send shivers down my spine. "That if you don't touch me soon, I might explode."

Suddenly feeling inhibited, I placed my palm flat against his chest. He grinned again, making the breath hitch in my throat.

"Not there."

I felt myself flush, realising I should have understood what he meant straight away - but I made myself take my left hand from his chest and moving it little by little down his body until it brushed up against his impressive hard-on… he sighed, an expression of pure relief flashing across his face as he shut his eyes at the contact. He moved against my hand, urging me to do it again. I slid my hand over him, relishing in the heat of him in my hand as I curled my fingers around it - again, he sighed, but this one was laced with something far deeper, ending with that growl that made my stomach clench in a completely different way to when I had been desperately unhappy.

The furthest thing I was from right now was just that: unhappiness. What I felt, having him just with me, was the closest thing to bliss that I had felt in a very long time.

As I moved my hand lightly along the length of him, he leant down, breathing hard into my ear as he started to move his own hand in a similar rhythm. Without breaking his stride in his movements against me, he moved away, looking down on me as I lay completely vulnerable to him, awaiting his every move.

Something in his eyes changed.

Letting go of me, he moved so that his lips were on my shoulder, dragging his lips across them as his hands moved to touch my hips - they moved to meet him, but found themselves, rather than being caressed, being shifted.

I looked up at him, bewildered.

"Roll onto your front for me," he said, keeping his gaze on mine. Confused but willing to do practically anything he asked of me, I did so, feeling more than a little self-conscious as I exposed my backside in all its glory for him to see. No longer able to look at him, I pressed my cheek into the cool fabric beneath it, waiting for him to touch me again.

Firmly and with precision, he began to massage my back, starting at my shoulders - he didn't forget the ache in my shoulder, carefully moving across it so that though I could feel its tenderness, it felt _good_ to have his warm hands putting light pressure onto it. I sighed in rapture, closing my eyes as he moved across the surface of my back, his hands becoming lighter and lighter in their touch as he moved lower and lower. Without warning, they drifted lower still, fingertips dotting onto the extremely sensitive cheeks of my rear and making my head shoot up and twist to look at him.

His eyes were focused completely and utterly on the area which he was touching.

I cleared my throat. "You don't have to touch me there, Dr. C-"

"Perry," he murmured. "Right now, I want you to call me Perry."

Regardless of the very intense situation I was in, the glee at him asking me this was immense. I grinned, and then remembered what I was supposed to be telling him - after all, even _I _felt a little weird with anyone paying such avid attention to my tush.

"Okay… Perry… you don't have to touch me, y'know… there." I felt incredibly stupid. "I can think of other areas you can play with…"

He let out a low growl of laughter, leaning down so that he could murmur into my ear - "Just play along with me for a while, would ya?"

I made a tiny noise of assent, relishing in the contact as he moved closer, his erect penis rubbing against my hip as he slowly moved his fingertips over the skin, once again giving me goose bumps. I shivered under his ministrations, my hips moving against the attention - that laugh again. I could listen to that laugh on repeat and it would _never_ get boring.

One of his fingers skated across the gap between the two cheeks - I tensed up, my body moving away of its own accord at the odd feeling - he put on hand on my back, stopping me from moving away. "Humour me, Newbie, just for a little longer."

Fighting against my body's wishes, I relaxed my muscles and let him continue to caress me and occasionally run his finger over the smooth line inbetween - it felt _weird_. I wasn't sure if it was good or bad weird, but either way, no one had ever done it before and it made me half want to bolt and half want to stick around to see what would happen next.

I didn't need to wait long.

"Bring your knees up."

I felt as if I'd heard him wrong. "E-excuse me?"

The hands that started rubbing up my back were supposed to be soothing. "Bring. Your. Knees. Up."

"So I'm on all fours, you mean?!"

"That would be it, yes."

I did as he asked, but rather than follow his orders exactly, I shifted so that I was simply kneeling up, I turned my head a little to the side, so that I could see him again - he seemed perfectly serious. "But… why?"

Don't get me wrong, my head was telling me the answer but I wasn't quite sure I could believe it.

"Just do it, Newbie. Humour me again." He kissed me on the very base of my spine, making me shiver for the thousandth time that evening. His hand lightly rested on the top of my back, pushing me very carefully and very gently until I had placed my palms on the bedspread and was, as he had wanted me to be, on all fours.

Waiting for his next move was painfully long.

"Whatever I do next, don't stop me. Do you understand?"

How was I supposed to answer that?!

"Just let me try something. That's all I'm asking."

Almost unwillingly, I nodded.

"Now just relax for me."

"I _am _relaxed_."_

I could hear his grin in his tone as he replied, "I meant your ass, Newbie. Relax the muscles."

Somehow even his use of the word 'ass' sounded good; if I'd have said it, I would've sounded like a gay hooker.

Without even a word of warning, I felt him touch me, touch me somewhere incredibly inappropriate and made me want to wrench out from underneath him. I hissed in through my teeth.

"Wait a second - and _don't move_ -"

He moved away from me, yet somehow I managed to force myself to stay put… just the _memory_ of him touching me _there_ had frozen me completely. My 'ass' had tensed up completely, and when he slid onto the bed behind me once again, one of his hands played a now familiar tune up and down my back.

"Just relax." They continued to caress my skin, his voice softer with each syllable. "I can't promise much, but I can at least promise that _right now_, and I mean just at this particular moment… I promise that you can trust me to try not to hurt you. In any way, shape or form."

He'd never made any sort of promises before. Against my will, I felt myself melt a little at the words and, in doing so, relaxing as he had asked me to.

A finger slowly circled _that area_ again (I would _not_ make myself sound any more like a hooker, even if it was in my head), but this time it felt different. Before I had a chance to figure out what the hell was going on, his middle finger had slid inside me up to the first knuckle. I bucked against him instinctively in an attempt to get it out, but instead managed to push it even further inside of me - whimpers escaped my throat and the fear from being penetrated somewhere so _wrong_ made me shiver in repulsion.

He seemed to know it, too. He hesitated, not moving.

"Newbie, do you… do you want me to stop?"

I didn't answer - my mind was in overdrive, putting the pieces together as quickly as they could under the circumstances. Dr. Cox was almost definitely preparing me for something more, but that something more… we weren't _supposed_ to. What was it he had said? That he would only have sex with someone he was serious about?

And he wanted to have sex with me.

Suddenly the repulsion, though still in the back of my mind, turned into something quite different.

"Dr. Co- Perry, if you stop now, I don't think I'll let you try again. If you want this… if this is _really_ what you want -"

He moved back towards me, resting his chest light on my back, finger still very much inside me. "I don't want it to be just what I want, kid, I want it to be something we _both_ want."

I laughed - the idea of him wanting me to want him was ridiculous; the laughter pushed his finger even further in, as far as it would go. I tensed around it, shuddering.

"Okay, you clearly don't want -"

"No, wait, wait, don't move!" I cried, reaching back with one of my hands and grasping his free hand - he did as I asked, not moving as I pulled him back closer to me. "I want… you?" It sounded like a question, though I knew that what I was saying was the complete and utter truth. "I want _you_, Perry, and this is the closest I'll probably ever get to it. If you stop now, then…" I couldn't finish the sentence. I didn't need to.

Carefully and with utmost tenderness, he began to move the finger inside of me, testing the waters. I wriggled, hating it, wanting him to just hold me and reassure me that he wouldn't _ever_ do anything like this again, but if I even made the tiniest noise that sounded like I was uncomfortable, he would stop, and never attempt to be that close to me again. I suffered it, for him, and forced my lips to stay shut when he started to add a second finger. Stuffing the sheets into my mouth helped slightly.

"How does that feel?" he asked quietly, not sounding nearly as repulsed as I felt. I pulled the sheets from my mouth and said as nonchalantly as I could,

"Interesting?"

For a couple of seconds he stopped moving inside of me; his free hand reached around me and started to caress my erection again - I gasped a little, liking _this_ kind of contact _very_ much. "How about now?"

His fingers started shifting inside of me; for a few seconds I hesitated, shutting my eyes and trying to concentrate on what felt good against what felt insanely weird - but then he hit something. My muscles clenched hard, a wave of pleasure surging through me and making me see stars. "Holy shit…!"

He laughed, a deep laugh that made my back arch slightly at the wondrous tone of it. "I thought you'd like that."

"What was… what was that?" I was breathless, wanting to feel it again.

"That was your g-spot, Newbie. Want me to do it again?"

Hell YES I did. "Please… please, yes. It felt so -" Dr. Cox hit it again, making all the breath leave my body and my muscles spasm again. "Oh my god, that just feels… again, don't stop -"

"Actually I kind of had another plan."

His fingers slowly left me, shifting himself until he was directly behind me. Without warning, something far harder and far larger brushed against my butt - I jerked forward slightly, my head whipping around to see what he was doing. His erection, so hard and swollen it looked almost painful was poised where his fingers had been. Through the shock, horror and intrigue that was now coursing through my body, I vaguely acknowledged that somehow inbetween all of this he had put on a condom.

My stomach tightened for a different reason.

"You… you want…"

"Yes I want," he murmured, his voice a deep, sensual rumble in his throat that made my skin tingle. "I _want_."

"But -"

His fingers ran lightly over the frame of my back, making me shiver and relax. He pressed the edge of himself against the entrance he wanted access to. "If you don't want it, I'd say now. Because once I get started-" he leant his body over me, his chest against my back, his lips close to my ear, " - once I'm _inside_ you I don't think I'll be able to stop."

I arched against him, the heat of him seeping through and into me - suddenly I was shaking, hard, my entire body uncontrollable despite my best efforts. Suddenly his hand was on top of mine, his arm stretched across me in an effort to hold it. I stilled.

"What do you want me to do, Newbie?"

My fingers stopped clenching the bed sheets, instead loosening and moving upwards to lace them through his. The move was so intimate, so unexpected that he would allow me to that I suddenly felt a wash of calm spread over me - though my body still shook, I knew what I would answer.

"Do it."

He shifted backwards again, taking my right hand in his. I leant further forward, resting my hot forehead against my arm and shifting so that I could keep my balance. What was I doing?! I'd never done anything like this before in my life and, in a way, it would my cries of heterosexuality even less viable -

His solid penis pressed against the nerve endings. I forced myself to stay still.

"…you have a choice in this. Don't, for the love of god, do this for my sake."

My eyes squeezed tightly shut. "If it's for your sake as well as mine, would you still do it?"

Dr. Cox didn't answer. Instead I felt his left hand leave my back for a second before he brought it back down, his fingers slipping inside of me again, this time wet from where he had brought them to his mouth first. I shuddered, not liking the way it felt too much when he wasn't hitting my g-spot but knowing that I'd have to endure a lot worse before it got better. He did it a few times, and it was after the fourth time that I suddenly realised that this wasn't going to be like sex.

This was going to _hurt_.

My hand squeezed his tightly, too tightly. "Please be -"

"I'll be as gentle as I can. I promised you, didn't I? That I wouldn't hurt you right now?"

I nodded, pressing my face harder into my arm, into the bed. His hand was back to resting on the skin just above where my ass started, his hips shifting forward slightly to press against my entrance once more.

Slowly, agonisingly, he slipped the very tip of himself inside of me. I hissed through my teeth.

"Just keep a hold of my hand, Newbie, and don't be afraid to use it."

The pain was terrible. He kept moving forwards, pushing himself into me until the head of his penis was inside of me and all I could think was _please stop, please stop, please stop_ - again I just wanted him to hold me and kiss me, to reassure me that it was all okay and that he wouldn't do anything like this again… yet this was the closest I had been to being _his_ and I couldn't forget that. No matter how much pain he was putting me in, that little voice on the edge of my mind reminded me that this was the closest to what I had wanted.

He slid in a little further - I heard him exhale hard. "Jesus, you're so… fucking… _tight_…"

The words were so akin to a porno that I couldn't help but laugh - big mistake. Though the muscles that he was working himself into tightened, it somehow jarred him so that he was even further into me. I keened low into the bedcovers, my fingers grasping his tightly as the pain worsened. I did NOT like this, not one bit! As I considered hazily that perhaps I should tell him to stop, his left hand moved down, across my hip and then to where my erection was still as hard as anything.

Lightly, he grasped me. My breath hissed out again, but this time it was from the strange mixture of pleasure and pain that I was experiencing, unsure whether I liked it or not - as he started to shift his hand up and down, he pushed more into me, surely breaking me in two with the size of him, the tiny cries that were shooting their way out of my throat a mixture of the ache that was making my muscles in my stomach hurt from tension and the undeniable pleasure of him touching me.

He suddenly thrust himself into me, hard. The noise that dragged out of my throat was practically a scream. Dr. Cox's voice was tense as he cursed.

"Fuck. _Fuck_. I'm…" he took in a deep breath. "I'm all the way inside you now."

My body trembled, hard. I couldn't answer.

"Newbie?"

Completely silent, the tears fell hot down my cheeks.

"You're… you're practically breaking my hand here. Are you…"

"You _hurt_ me." My voice was pathetic - but he _had_, and he had promised not to.

"I…" he worked his fingers against mine, loosening my grasp and re-lacing our fingers together. "I couldn't help it, you're just so _hot_ and _tight_, I…" He stopped - I heard him swallow. "It's like nothing I've ever felt before."

The reverence in his tone was obvious. I had given him a gift of some sort, and… well, if the gift was allowing him to hurt me for the sake of his pleasure then -

"I didn't want to hurt you, and I'm sorry. Just… let me make it up to you." His hand started working on my erection again, light movements that felt so beautiful that the tears fell harder. "Let me make you feel good, Newbie."

I made yet another choice - so many choices I had made that evening. I shifted forwards slightly, feeling him pull out of me slowly - before forcing myself back again so that he was once again in the very depths of my body.

The pain was still excruciating.

"Oh, fuck," he whispered, his hips starting to move. I could tell that he was holding back - his movements were slow, gentle, but the hand on my penis was shaking from exertion. He was being so _careful_, so gentle with me and alongside the feel of his hand on my erection and the tenderness he was showing towards me made me sigh slightly. He took the sound as a good sign, deepening his strokes slightly - for a few seconds I really, really wanted to tell him to be gentler but then, _then_ he hit that spot again. My g-spot.

The feel of my g-pot practically vibrating from his contact with it and the hand that was still moving on my erection made my body jolt below him; all that seemed to do was push him in deeper, harder against the part inside of me that felt as if it were on fire from the pleasure it was giving me… I let out the tiniest of moans, still feeling raw, ragged, still in pain - yet the pleasure that was starting to build steadily began to override it. Soon I was panting, my hand gripping his, my own body moving in an attempt to make the amazing feeling continue.

"Newbie, I don't know how -"

His hand grasped impossibly tight onto mine.

" - how much longer I'm going to be able to hold on…"

Dr. Cox's voice was low, breathless, edged with that growl - it made my muscles tense. "I don't care," I gasped, the feel of his hand moving faster against me and gripping me harder making me fully aware that it was entirely possible I would come before him. "Just… just… for the love of god, Perry, don't _stop!_"

His thrusts became slow and deep - I knew instantly that he was going to come, that this was just him prolonging the fall; he hit my g-spot again, his thumb brushing over the tip of my penis at the same time - suddenly I lost all control. My muscles spasmed, again, again, again - I cried out, his name leaving a bittersweet taste on my lips as I came, not caring that we'd ruined the bed sheets, not caring that he hadn't come yet, not caring about anything but the fact that Dr. Cox was inside of me -

"Holy… shit, JD -"

I shut my eyes in pure joy as I felt him pulse inside of me; in that last sentence he had told me all that I needed to know. He hadn't been thinking of anyone else - not Jordan, not Lesley, not some other pretty girl - me, me, me. Just me.

His hand let go of mine, both of them slamming onto my hips and grasping tight has his orgasm subsided, his breathing ridiculously ragged, a drop of sweat from his temple falling onto my back. Slowly - and, admittedly, uncomfortably - he slid himself from me, collapsing to the side and rolling onto his back. I straightened up, suddenly embarrassed about my obscene nakedness and allowed my eyes to drift to him, looking at him. His eyes stared blankly at the ceiling, his fists clenched at his side.

_Oh, shit._

"Dr. Co -"

"Don't."

I bit my lip, my stomach twisting. He was going to leave again, grab his clothes and leave, escaping once again and leaving me with the horror, the guilt, the hatred - he didn't care he'd just pretended to and _now_ I knew what love felt like and I _hated_ it -

Suddenly he reared up and, without any warning, his arms folded themselves around me, arms enclosed at my sides as he crushed me against him. He lay back down, bringing me with him, holding me close…

_Ummm…_

_What?_

Dr. Cox loosened his grip on me but kept one arm slung over me as another came up to tangle his fingers within my hair; my heart was racing, faster even than throughout everything that had just happened.

We'd just had sex.

And now…

Now he was _holding_ me?

"I don't understand." My voice was muffled against the skin of his chest. He laughed, the hand that was in my hair moving up as he rubbed his eyes. I watched, feeling vulnerable.

"I don't either, but that's worked out pretty well for us this last month or so."

I was still in shock, and unable to answer. He shut his eyes.

"I can't stay here tonight."

"…oh."

His arm tightened around me slightly. "It's just…" He sighed. "I have an almost-wife. I have a kid. I have a life outside of you, outside of this… _whatever_ this is and I can't just go around doing this all the time."

I stiffened, feeling my body tremble slightly. My voice was monotonous as I replied,

"Maybe I should quit my job and move elsewhere. Then you wouldn't have to worry."

Again, Dr. Cox's grip tightened - it hurt a little.

"Newbie… _JD… _y'remember what I said to you a while back?"

"Come near me and I'll kill you?"

He laughed, a deep throaty laugh. "Not that."

"…you don't kiss guys?"

"Well, that's true but again, no."

I shrugged. "You've said a lot of things that I remember."

It made me shiver slightly to hear the blatant grin in his voice as he replied. "No shit. But… it doesn't matter," he continued, his muscles tensing - I knew he was about to leave. I hated that. "If you don't remember this particular phrase then maybe that's best."

He sat up, easing me off of him and standing up. In the two minutes it took for him to put his clothes on and get to the door, I couldn't even look at him - my heart had steadied to a low thrum, as if preparing to stop itself altogether.

Maybe this is how it was meant to be. Taking what he wanted and leaving without so much as a kind word.

_You wanted this too._

"Do me a favour."

I flinched, imagining what this 'favour' would entail and how much pain it would bring me. "…okay…"

"Try and remember. It would make life a lot easier."

As the door clicked behind him, it clicked within me too. What had I thought of earlier, when he was kissing me, touching me, preparing me for what he had just done?

**X X X X X**

_"You… don't want to have sex? As in, in the way that guys -"_

_"No need to go into detail, Yolanda, and yes, that is exactly what I mean. I don't do that. I don't want to do that with you."_

_"I get it."_

_"I don't think you do, Newbie. The reason I don't want to do it is because, as a rule, I only have sex with people I intend to become serious with or am already serious with. You, of course, do not come under either of those categories."_

**X X X X X**

My heart skipped a beat.


	21. Printed

_**Thank you to all who have so wonderfully reviewed the long-awaited Chapter 20. I'm not quite sure why some of you couldn't review it and had to write it on Chapter 19 instead but regardless: THANK YOU.**_

_**This chapter isn't as long as some of the others and is nowhere near as long as the last chapter, but hey, they can't all be 10,000 words long! XD**_

_**So, comrades, let us power on! The twenty-first chapter ahoy!**_

**Chapter Twenty-One - Printed**

_**JD POV**_

Throughout the night, the weather completely turned. The glittering sun seemed to decide it was time for an unplanned holiday, darting behind the clouds before I could even notice it was there and instead sending her deputy - Mr. Rain Cloud - in her place.

Needless to say, Mr. Rain Cloud and I were not best friends. Still, that morning a tornado could've been heading towards me and I wouldn't have noticed… I had too much on my mind. As I pulled a pair of dark denim trousers on, drawing in a hissed breath at my aching muscles, I mused silently over the fact that though _everything_ had changed in the space of six hours my head still felt just as messed up as it had before.

Mrf. I stood up and stretched, lazily leaning towards my suitcase and pulling out a white t-shirt and a ribbed black zip-up - as I slipped them on, marvelling at the tightness and discomfort of my shoulders, a light knock on my door made me jolt in surprise.

_Could it be - _

"Hey, V-Bear! Wanna go get some breakfast?"

_Damn._

I practically stumbled over the tux that was still spread across my floor as I made my way to open the door; I pulled it open, pulling the zip up and grabbing a clean pair of socks as I jerked my head and indicated that Turk could come in. "Just let me get my shoes on…"

Turk nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets and glancing around the room. A wrinkle of confusion spread across his brow.

"Dude, did you perform your own strip show last night or something? Or - wait a minute…" A grin spread across his face - my heart stopped. Did he _know_?! Oh god, was I that LOUD?! "Did you and Lesley hook up last night?"

My stomach fluttered slightly as I pulled on a sneaker. I'd completely forgotten about her. "Err, no. I just… got undressed. Like you do."

He looked at me for a moment; I avoided his gaze. _Please drop it, please drop it, please drop it…_

"So… you ready to go?"

Unbelievably grateful that he hadn't asked what he may have been considering, I nodded, slipping the other sneaker onto my foot and standing up. I leant over and grabbed the key card from the bedside table, hastily sweeping the condom wrapper I hadn't noticed until now out of sight; I turned back to Turk and forced an easy grin, my heart pounding.

I clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Let's hit the buffet!"

The hall was pretty busy; I felt sad knowing that this was the penultimate breakfast buffet I'd have here… it seriously was epic. Turk and I had stayed in there for three hours the morning before, his joy only heightened when he realised that it was open _all day_ as a room service option. This reminded me of his evening the night before.

"So how was brinner?"

He scooped up some eggs and plopped them onto his plate, his eyes rolling towards the heavens as he remembered. "Immense, dude. I can't even tell you. We ordered brinner room service - brinner in _bed_!"

I grinned, using a pair of silver tongs to put two slices of toast onto my plate. "Awesome. Did Carla enjoy it?"

Turk shrugged. "I don't mean this in a bad way, but when brinner's around it's kind of hard to focus on anything else."

"True dat."

"Don't say that, it's all wrong coming from you."

We bickered lightly as we made our way to a table by one of the massive windows overlooking the pool, settling ourselves and tucking in to what would probably be one of many helpings. I munched my way through my toast, eggs and bacon, eyes scanning the guests and recognising a lot of them from the conferences I had done on the first day - _oh_ _damn, I have to do more of those or Kelso will kill me_…

I took an extra huge bite of buttery, toast-smooshed eggs and glanced up again.

Big mistake.

Looking serene and beautiful in her porcelain-like way, Lesley made her way towards our table, holding a plate of - yep, no surprise there, toast, eggs and bacon. Her hair was tied and clipped to the back of her head with a few tendrils falling down and into her eyes, making her look both younger and prettier all at once.

She flashed us both a smile and motioned towards the chair opposite me. "May I?"

Her voice was still all silvery-bell-like. I nodded, coughing down my mouthful and looking towards Turk to see if he was bothered - on the contrary, his eyes flickered from me to her, a knowing sparkle lighting them up.

_No, no, don't get the wrong idea Chocolate Bear!_

Deftly she began to cut her toast into squares, pinning a chunk of egg to one of them and slipping it into her mouth - I watched, half-horrified that the woman who had seen me admitting my love for another _man_ was now sitting in front of me, and half-pleased just to see her. I didn't understand the feeling… the closest thing to the 'perfect woman' in terms of dating that I had ever met before was Elliot who was pretty much insane in her own right, and therefore we seemed to click well both in and out of a relationship. Lesley though…

Lesley was clearly something different.

Her next words proved this.

"How did he take your confession last night then, John?"

Turk's eyebrows shot up. I looked with utter horror at her, but her eyes were focused completely on the food in front of her. _Damn her and her perfect toasty-eggy-bacony-squares…_

"I err… he didn't… we…"

"I came to your room about an hour after I'd left but after lingering outside for a few minutes it was kind of obvious you didn't want to be disturbed."

_Oh holy Vishnu, was she doing this on purpose?! _If Turk had had hair, his eyebrows would've been lost beneath it right now - his eyes were still flickering from me to her, but now it was in shock rather than understanding. I was pretty sure it would click soon, and I _really_ didn't want it to.

"You stopped… you stopped by my room? Oh… that was nice of you…" My voice was faint, pathetic, embarrassed - still she focused on her squares of yumminess, cutting them smaller and smaller and smaller -

"You seemed… content. So I left you to it."

Suddenly her knife and fork went down - her hazel eyes finally came to rest upon mine. They were unreadable. I hesitated. "Are you… are you angry at me?"

A tiny smile formed on her lips. "It's not every day that I get asked out and then rejected on the same day. Particularly for another man."

Turk's jaw dropped. I ignored him. "You have to know, I didn't just ask you so that I could… y'know…"

"Get over him?" Lesley nodded, taking a sip of orange juice. "I did wonder if I was just a tool to help get rid of some spanner in the works -" her smile became a wry one. "But I'm going to forgive you anyway. You can't help being in love with someone else."

I mumbled something akin to 'another man' - she laughed, placing a warm, slender hand over mine and smiling properly as she looked into my eyes, sincerity glowing from every pore. "It makes no difference if it's a man or a woman, John - the fact is… well, you've fallen for someone. Someone who would appear to mean a lot to you." She bit down on her lower lip slightly. "I'm sorry that it's not me, but what can you do?"

She flicked the tendrils out of her eyes and took her hand back, stabbing a bacon-and-toast square with her fork. "Besides, I've known you for less than twenty-four hours, I really shouldn't have taken it so personally."

God, she was right… it felt like so much longer! I couldn't put my finger on it - because it really wasn't just because she was so similar to me - but there was something that made her important regardless of time-span. Sure, I hated hurting women that had feelings for me, but with Lesley it felt like I was ruining something far more powerful than just a relationship. She was like… a better version of me, almost…

"You're romanticizing me, aren't you?"

I blinked, coming back to the room - both she and Turk were staring at me, him looking suddenly horrified… she was grinning at me, blatantly reading my every thought from behind my eyes.

_She's a witch too, like Carla…_

"I know that I can't expect to be your romantic interest," Lesley began, cupping her hands around the cold glass of juice, her thumbs catching the little drops of condensation. "And I know that I pretty much live at this hotel and you live a few hours away. But…" she hesitated. I looked at her patiently, becoming more and more aware of Turk's frozen expression and trying my best to ignore it. "I'd like it if we could stay in touch after you leave tomorrow."

Again, I found myself surprised by her. "Like you said though, we barely know each other -"

"But I'm prepared to change that," she intercepted, flashing a smile in my direction. "I always wanted to meet the male version of me - true, I didn't think he'd be so _old -_"

I folded my arms. "When I'm sixty and you're fifty four -"

"I'll still think you're older than the hills. Deal with it, Dr. Dorian, you're an old man - but I don't mind," she added, winking. "Your experience plus my youth will make us a pair not to be reckoned with, don't you think?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but made the mistake of looking at Turk who was now staring wordlessly across the room - I turned my gaze in the same direction, finding myself first looking at Carla (who looked tired… she should've known brinner would last a while) and then -

My hand flew to my chest, flattening against where my heart was now pumping a mile a minute.

"I like that shirt on him," Lesley's soft, slightly teasing voice came from behind me. "The grey-blue of it brings out his eyes."

I turned my body and head quickly back to face her, determined not to stare at the man I was rapidly falling for as he chatted to my best friend's wife. I began shovelling cold eggs and toast into my mouth, jiggling slightly in my seat. Lesley watched me, blatantly amused.

"God, he just sets you completely on edge, doesn't he?" she mused, her eyes drifting to gaze at him again. "Hmmm. I'd be lying if I said I didn't find him attractive, but I don't quite get how you could fall for a man like him."

Turk's horrified eyes turned back to face us. Finally he spoke. "Dude, did you…?"

I hastily cut across him to reply to Lesley. "I'm not in love with him yet."

She shook her head. "Oh I know - you've both got to be _there_ for that. But you _are_ falling, right?"

I nodded quickly.

"And how long has it taken for you to admit that?"

"Maybe a month, month and a half?"

It was her time to blink in confusion. "…is that all?"

I hesitated over the answer, but to my surprise, Turk suddenly intercepted.

"Dude, you've been falling in love with him for four _years_."

My eyes flew up to meet his - he was still clearly horrified after working out why my tux had been strewn across my carpet, but for _some damned reason_ he had decided that now was the time to find his vocal chords again. "Don't be stupid, Turk, I've never looked at him like that before now."

He snorted. "You might not have looked at him that way, but that doesn't stop it being true! He's the closest you've ever had to a relationship the entire time you've been at that hospital - and you know I'm right, man."

My mouth opened and closed for a few seconds. "I… what about Elliot? Kylie?"

With a sigh, he spread out his fingers in front of me and started counting off points. "When you're depressed, the first person you seek out for advice is Dr. Cox. When you're happy, you instantly go to him to spread it around. When you're lonely, you go to him. When you need help, the first person you always go to, WITHOUT fail, is Dr. Cox. That's the way it's been for four years and it aint gonna change."

Again, my mouth fell open. I was saved having to answer to this by the arrival of Carla, who kissed the top of Turk's head and then looked fleetingly from me to Lesley.

"Hey - what are you guys talking about?"

As she settled herself down beside Turk, he shot me a triumphant look, knowing that Carla would back him up. "How JD's probably been in love with Dr. Cox from day one."

Carla's eyes flew to Lesley, blatantly unaware - as Turk had been - of the changes that last night had brought. "Uh…"

"It's okay, she knows," I mumbled. "Carla, Lesley, Lesley, Carla."

"Mrs. Turk, I presume?" Lesley said with a bright smile, extending her hand. "It's wonderful to finally meet you, I've heard… a tiny bit about you!"

"Oh!" Carla's hand met Lesley's mid air, shaking it lightly before smiling hesitantly at her. "But I thought… you and JD…"

"I thought so too," she said, rolling her eyes in my direction. "But after last night I'm pretty sure all hope of that has pretty much flown out of the window."

It took Carla mere seconds to love her. "You have _no_ idea the frustration I've had to go through with JD these last few months. Day after day, moaning on about how much he loves Dr. Cox -"

"HEY!" I protested loudly, slapping a slice of toast out of her hand and glaring at her. "Don't exaggerate!"

"- I kind of hoped that you'd be the answer, but apparently boys will be boys."

"That makes me sound gay."

"Well no offence Bambi, but you're _acting_ kind of gay."

"I am not! Just because I happen to have-"

"- had sex with a man, that doesn't make you gay?"

All eyes swivelled to Lesley - she shrugged innocently, taking a slice of toast and nibbling on it. "I'm just saying what you were going to say…"

I shook my head, hard. "I was going to say that just because I have _feelings_ for a man doesn't make me gay!!"

"You had _sex_ with him, Bambi?!"

"Baby, I don't feel so good…"

"When did this happen? Did this happen _last night??"_

"Seriously baby, I think I had too much brinner -"

"Sit down Turk, this will just take a minute."

"But I don't _wanna_ hear about JD's sex life with Dr. Cox!"

"Can we all stop talking so loudly?" I hissed desperately, wriggling in my chair with immense discomfort. "Otherwise we may as well just stand up and announce it to the entire room!"

"Come on JD, we're only messing around." Carla reached out to touch my hand, but I pulled it away, suddenly feeling a little cold towards them all.

"I know you are, but you don't seem to get that… that this isn't some joke to me. It's not like Elliot or Kylie or Neena or _any_ of the girls I've been with."

They all stared at me, hazel, chocolate and mocha mixed together in one intense stare.

"And yes, if you must know, we did… do things last night. It was quite possibly the most emotional night of my life and I feel like a complete _ass_ for even telling you about it. I sound gayer and gayer every time I talk about it."

"No," Carla said softly, a warm, sad smile edging her lips. "You sound like a guy who can't stop himself falling in love with someone. And there's nothing wrong with that."

I looked her directly in the eyes. "Does he love me?"

Silence.

"Then there's something wrong with it."

Lesley suddenly sat up straighter in her chair. "Don't look now John, but he - damn it -"

I had barely a second to glance at Dr. Cox before he was standing directly beside me - but rather than acknowledge my presence, he turned his attention to Carla.

"So, as we were saying before Kelso so rudely interrupted us - you're okay to do your bit with Nurse Bonnington later?"

She nodded, clasping her fingers in front of her as she looked up at him. "That should be fine."

"I think Leventhal wants to do his bit today -"

"That guy is a jackass," Turk interjected, pouting somewhat (probably still grumpy that Carla didn't pay any attention to him feeling ill). Dr. Cox nodded curtly.

"That guy _is_ a jackass and no doubt we'll have to put up with cancer jokes for the entire time he's up there but for whatever reason Kelso chose him, soooo the way I see it, we've got no choice."

Carla grimaced. "Turk and I have to go to the dinner with him tonight."

"Good luck. Last time I was forced to -"

He kept talking, his voice smooth and uninterrupted - I let myself zone out to the sound of it, soothed by the deep, friendly tones that he used with Carla…

Something rough fell against my hand.

A small piece of paper.

Small enough that no one else had seen it.

I casually snuck a glance up at him but he was still talking to Carla, hands slipping inside of his pockets, attention wholly on everyone else around the table rather than me; everyone else stared rapturously at him as he spoke - even Lesley.

Slowly and carefully so that no one would notice, I unfolded the piece of paper and let my eyes focus on the letters printed in black.

**5pm, center of the maze, whether you've remembered or not.**


	22. Navigation

_**Doo-bi-doo… oh, what's this? Another update? =O**_

_**The answer to this, my lovelies, is HELL YEAH! If you don't fall in love with this chapter as much as I have, then I have officially failed in my role as a fic-writer. XD**_

_**Anyhoo. Enjoy it, you beautiful people you. Reviews, as always, are MAHUSIVELY appreciated!**_

**Chapter Twenty-Two - Navigation**

_**JD POV**_

It was pouring with rain. The sky around the hotel was full of dark-grey clouds, screaming of possible thunder and lightening - I shuddered as I considered the fact that I now had to step outside of the door of my building and find my way to the center of a damned maze… freakin' Dr. Cox. He better have a damned good explanation for making me come out in this sort of weather.

Dredging up every inch of courage that I had, I forced the door open and started to walk purposefully in the direction of the maze which sat covered with beautiful fairy-lights that were shimmering through the rain at me, right in the middle of a stupid field. I stepped onto the grass, instantly regretting it as water instantly soaked my sneakers through and through - stupid crappy Converse replicas! I stopped for a second, staring at the maze that seemed miles away, trying to decide if it was really worth it or not to go there, most likely to simply hear Dr. Cox thanking me for my time and sex but that he would very much like things to go back to normal.

_At least the rain will hide my tears._

Cursing myself quietly, I took in a deep breath and forced myself to carry on over the wet, muddy grass, trying to ignore the horrible squelching sound that drifted up to my ears at each step I took. The rain fell down hard upon me, soaking through the black ribbed zip-up I was wearing and, somehow, through the white t-shirt underneath; I wondered who the hell would come out here without a jacket, stomping my feet a little harder as I got closer to the maze, frustrated at myself for not thinking ahead.

I was totally going to get a cold.

Grumbling under my breath and shoving my hands as deep into my pockets as humanly possible, I approached the entrance of the maze - good god, it was huge! I gulped lightly, looking around to see if anyone else was crazy enough to try going around this thing in this sort of weather - nope, it pretty much just looked like me. I screwed my eyes up against the rain that was still mercilessly pounding down on my skin, taking my first step inside and looking around.

So.

Left or right?

I chose left. There were fairy lights on the inside of the maze too, so pretty but surely dangerous in this sort of rain? I kept to the center of the trail, not wanting to risk getting electrocuted should they not be suitable for this kind of weather.

Twisting and turning throughout the maze, I started to freak out a little; how did I know that I was going in the right direction? I slipped my phone out of my pocket, checking the time - five to five!! No way in _hell_ would I make it in time!

I sped up a little, darting around corners and feeling the frustration well up whenever I hit a dead end - I couldn't remember which turns I'd taken! Who _would_ remember that sort of thing anyway?! I growled at myself as I hit yet another one, leaning against the wet bushes and shutting my eyes, rivulets of water working their way down my face and down my neck, leaving me uncomfortable and unhappy.

Knowing it would only depress me more, I glanced at my phone again.

Twenty past five.

He'd probably given up by now.

As I started to slip my phone back into my pocket, my heart slowing and the defeat of my millionth failure setting in, I felt it suddenly buzz.

VVVVVVVVV.

VVVVVVVVV.

VVVVVVVVV.

I looked in utter disbelief at the Caller ID.

_Incoming Call _

_(The Big C)_

I flipped my phone open, bringing it slowly up to my ear, instantly making it damp the second it touched my cheek.

"I'm sorry."

His tone was somewhat indifferent. Distanced. "I take it you're not coming, Newbie?"

I blanched, pushing myself off of the bushes of he maze wall. "…I'm lost."

"You're not the only one who's confused - you could've at least told me you weren't coming. I'm soaked through."

"You're not the only one," I said, a laugh somehow escaping my throat at the knowledge that he was still somewhere in this damned maze. "I mean I'm lost in the maze, and I have no idea where the hell I'm going."

A few seconds of silence, before,

"Do you want me to come and find you?"

I pressed my palm to my face. "I don't know, I… I could keep looking."

He snorted, derisive. "And be out in the rain for the rest of the evening? I think _nawt_. I'm on my way. Stay where you are."

Dr. Cox ended the call; I pulled my phone away from my ear, staring at it. Wait for him to find me first? Stay standing whilst he got to play adventurer? No! I _would_ find him and he'd be damn well impressed with my navigating skills, skills that I was almost certain I didn't possess.

I set off in another direction, instead sticking to the right-hand side instead - I came across more dead ends, turning and heading off to another set of forks, steadily becoming angrier and angrier as they all brought the same set of disappointments. Was this some sort of test? Find him and he'd let me down easy? Or wait for him and be told that I was a complete ass that wasn't worth knowing? My mind ran over all of the negative possibilities that could be coming my way at this very second, trying not to even consider the positive ones… were there any positive ones? He'd made it clear last night that regardless of anything that had happened between us he still cared deeply for Jordan and Jack - more than he'd probably ever care for me.

Sure, he hadn't said it, but he was probably thinking it.

My phone started to vibrate again.

"Hello?"

"Newbie, where the hell are you? I know this maze like the back of my damned hand and I can't find you!"

"I… I'm in here, I promise!"

His voice was contemptuous once again. "You're not in the wrong maze, are you Melinda?"

I stiffened, instantly defensive. "I'm _in_ the right maze. _I'm_ the one that can't find _you_!"

Silence greeted me, until -

"You've been looking for me?"

I gulped. "…maybe…"

A growl emitted down the phone sent shivers down my spine. The cold water trickling down the back of my zip-up and t-shirt didn't help.

"I told you to stay where you _were_. Seriously Newbie, can't you follow ANY instructions that I give you? It's truly a wonder that you haven't killed more patients than you have, my _god_…"

"I want to find you, I want to prove to you that I can _do_ this," I said ferociously, interrupting his rant; he instantly went quiet at my words. "Let me find you. I _will_ find you, too. Give me another five minutes and I guarantee that I'll be at your side."

I snapped my own phone shut on _him_, doing a rapid 'zoom zoom zoom' before hurrying in the opposite direction to where I'd been heading.

All of a sudden, the most _brilliant_ idea flashed upon me.

I grinned wickedly.

"_ARRRRGH!"_

Oh yeah. That was a scream and a half. Instantly I got the reaction I wanted.

"Newbie! Newbie, are you okay?"

Grinning with a devious glint akin to Turk when about to fooffy in bed, I started creeping as quickly as I could in the direction of the voice.

"Dammit, Newbie, answer me!"

_Yes!!_ It was working! I could hear his voice getting ever closer - wait, was that him through the bushes? I peeked through the branches, in my excitement and genius no longer caring that I was soaked to the bone through the torrential rain and instead feeling an overwhelming spark of glee at the sight of him looking _incredibly_ concerned, wearing white t-shirt without a jacket… did he do that on purpose, knowing what the rain would do to it? I stared for a few seconds at the way the material clung to his body, showing the contours and lines that suddenly made me want him in a fit of passion -

"NEWBIE!"

Oh _shit._

He'd seen me.

Suddenly I was running in the opposite direction, letting out a bellow of laughter without even meaning to, full of childish joy as I heard him chase after me. Vaguely I remembered the last time he had chased me, when I had run for freedom to the _roof_ of all places - where he had kissed me for the first time…

A stupid grin spread across my face as I continued to run, quickly glancing behind me - _oh shit, I'd forgotten how fast he was_ - and then upping the pace a little.

_Really_ bad idea. I smacked head-first into a bush, leaves and twigs trying to force themselves into my mouth, surprisingly painful on my ribs - I spluttered against them, trying to shift away from them -

A large pair of hands closed over the tops of my arms - hazily I acknowledge that this, too, had happened that night - and whirled me around. I found myself staring into a pair of steely-blue eyes that were positively _burning_ with anger.

He shook me. Hard.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, screaming like that? Was it your idea of a joke, Newbie? You scared the _shit_ out of me!"

I couldn't help it - I snorted, despite the blood draining from my face… followed by an utterly random comment that made no sense _whatsoever._ "Did you think there was a dinosaur?"

He blinked. "I… what?"

I lifted my hand to my mouth, rubbing away the taste of leaves. "A dinosaur. Y'know… I screamed… it might've been a dinosaur."

Dr. Cox leaned back slightly, looking at me through narrowed eyes.

"You're actually insane. I see that now."

I nodded. "I don't know quite how you missed it before, to be honest with you."

For a few seconds, we stared at each other, his hands still wrapped tightly over the tops of my arms, the anger still burning a ring around his irises - but slowly, as he caught his breath and looked at me a little while longer, the anger faded slightly to reveal something else.

Total and utter _relief_.

My hand hesitated midair, hovering at his cheek, moving to loiter over his shoulder before finally coming to rest on his chest. I shut my eyes, shaking my head, suddenly overwhelmed by this all. We were truly the only two people at this hotel insane enough to be standing in the middle of a maze, in the pouring rain, just talking… still, that reminded me that this wasn't my doing, I hadn't made him come here - he had asked me. I forced my eyes open, looking hesitantly at him as I asked,

"So… what's up?"

He laughed, a throaty laugh that landed beautifully in the shell of my ear. He loosened his grip on my arms, shaking his head slowly back and forth, his eyes raising to the skies. "Aw hell, I don't even know anymore. I was all set to make a decision and stick with it but then you go and _scream_ and it goddamned changes everything."

Instantly I felt confused. "My scream… changed stuff?"

Dr. Cox let go of my arms and nodded, stepping back from me slightly.

"Yeah. God_damn_ it."

"I did do Drama in college." It was stupid, unnecessary and completely unimportant, but I hoped that he would somehow understand that at this moment in time it was literally _impossible _for me to make sense… he looked at me, narrowing his eyes, but said nothing. Apparently he finally understood this about me. It was somewhat relieving. "My talent overwhelms many."

Suddenly his hands were framing my face, his eyes staring intently into mine - my breath left my body, the sheer intensity of this action making me feel weak yet strong, powerless yet invincible; his hands were somehow still warm despite the rain, heating me right through to the bone as his silver-lining eyes became pools of mercury for me to drown in.

I grasped his t-shirt between my fists and shut my eyes, determined to stay afloat as he broke my heart.

"You… damn it." A low rumble of a growl in the back of his throat before he tried again. "You completely and utterly… just… _shit._"

Despite the frustration in his tone, his hands were still soft and gentle upon my skin, his thumbs absent-mindedly caressing my cheeks… the movement sent goosebumps trailing down my arms, making me shiver slightly underneath his touch.

_This will never get old._

I leant into his touch; he didn't pull away.

"When you screamed just now, the very… idea… that I could lose you, that you could just disappear from my life as quickly and as painfully as you came into it -" he smiled slightly, a shadow of his crooked grin, "- it just… it…"

"Hurt?"

Dr. Cox's eyes focused wholly and intently on my own.

"Yeah. It hurt."

I took in a sharp intake of breath, hardly believing what I was hearing. And, despite the strangely magical whimsical quality that this late afternoon was taking on, I knew I had to stay even a _little_ inside of reality. "But before you heard that… before I screamed… you were going to make me lose you instead, right?"

His hands pressed a little harder against my skin - I didn't care. It was still intoxicating despite the fact that he was about to admit he was going to shove me out of his life without a second thought. "Yes."

I nodded, struck between the strange impulse to kiss him and the numbness that was slowly starting to settle in. "How would you have managed that?"

His eyes never left me as he replied, "I would've moved Jordan and Jack out of town and got a job elsewhere."

My stomach plummeted. All colour left my face, making me feel dizzy and unsupported despite the strong man in front of me - I blinked repeatedly, suddenly glad of the rain and it's wonderful ability to mask emotion. "Wow. You would've just gone, like that. Wow."

His lips set in a straight line. "That's right."

Slowly, but deliberately, I pulled my face from his grasp and stepped to the side slightly. The rain seemed colder than before.

"Wow."

This irritated him. "Don't just say _wow_ Newbie."

"What would you like me to say?"

He sighed, rubbing his hand over his face - he looked even better in the rain, if possible.

_You'll never see him in the rain again._

The thought tore a hole in me.

"I don't know, kid. You asked me what I was going to say and do and I told you. It'd pretty much be your turn."

The rain mixed within the salty tears that had started to trickle down my cheeks, though I knew my face was composed and without emotion. I'd learnt from the master, after all. "I honestly don't know what to say to you. Good luck for the future, I guess."

So that was it. He'd dragged me out into the middle of a fucking maze in the pouring rain to tell me he was leaving Sacred Heart, leaving me and going off somewhere else to live another life. A life without me.

I turned to leave - his hand shot out and grasped my zip-up, pulling me close to him right up against the almost unbearable heat of his body; I fought against it, determined that I wouldn't break down, determined that I would leave this conversation with my dignity still intact. He kept his grip on me, his face calm, somehow unfazed despite my apparent indifference towards his leaving.

"So that's it, kid? You walk away without another word, leaving me to walk off into the sunset?"

_Why does he always have to tell me one thing and then ask me why I'm not fighting for another?_

I closed my two hands around the ones that held the material of my top tightly, staring intently at them. "If it makes it easier for you, Dr. Cox, then yeah, that is what I'm going to do. Please don't…"

"Please don't what?"

"Don't make this any harder than it already is."

He let go of me.

"You think this is just hard on you? You think I want to walk away from you?"

My eyes met his, taking on their own flames as his had done earlier. "You've tried enough times now that it doesn't surprise me. I understand that it… takes a certain amount of emotion to stay attached to someone and I also understand that you don't have those feelings for me enough to stick around. So…" I shrugged. "Yeah, I think you'd quite easily walk away from me."

His voice was dangerously quiet. "Don't you think that me having to leave the hospital is a pretty clear indication of my feelings for you?"

Our eyes locked together. He continued to talk, that same terrifyingly soft tone that made my muscles freeze and my limbs lock.

"Don't you think that my leaving my place of work… my home… the few friends I've made over the years I've been there -" He cut off - I saw now that his hands were shaking at his sides, balled up into fists. I swallowed hard, feeling the tears run hot down my cheeks, salty over my lips before being washed away by the rain. "Don't you think that proves just how much I…"

Suddenly he shook his head, taking yet another step back.

I stepped forward, my mouth completely dry. Not even the extreme moisture in the air could aid me.

"How much you…?"

My voice broke as I asked - I knew I was asking for a lot, asking for him to say something he almost definitely wasn't going to, instead asking for tumultuous disappointment on top of what was likely to be pretty severe heartbreak but _hell_, I couldn't just let it go -

"I… JD…"

My name on his lips tasted like ambrosia.

"I can't -"

"_Please_," I whispered, walking towards him - be backed away, shaking his head, still leaning away even as he backed himself into a bush much as I had earlier; I reached out to him, tangling my fingers through his hair in desperation and pulling his forehead down to meet mine. He didn't fight against me. "Please, just…"

Suddenly his lips were moulded into mine, warm and slick from the rain - his eyes shut tight, water falling in such a way that it looked almost as if he were crying - moving against mine lightly; my fingers gripped his hair tighter, punishing myself for wanting him to say something that he couldn't, hating him for not saying what I wanted to hear and hating myself for wanting to hear it in the first place. For what felt like hours our lips stayed connected, fire coursing through me as his hands grasped my cardigan tightly and pulled me closer, his body heat radiating through into me and binding us together in our own rain-soaked, twisted sense of perfection -

His lips left mine and moved to just below my earlobe.

"I…"

Dr. Cox's temple pressed into mine, the rain practically melding us together -

"…fucking…"

The grasp on my top tightened.

I opened my eyes, the tears falling freely.

"…_love you._"


	23. Letters To You

**_The response to the last chapter has been IMMENSE. Thank you, wonderful people, for actually taking the time out of your day to read this account of JD and Cox's lurrrrrrrve - and for actually bothering to review it. You are, in two words, freaking AWESOME._**

**_So. What say we move on to the next? Awww yeah!_**

**Chapter Twenty-Three - Letters To You**

_**Dr Cox POV**_

I watched, my whole damned body heavy as lead as I pulled away, Newbie opening his eyes and staring straight at me.

Suddenly my lungs completely emptied themselves. I felt… vulnerable and, hell, I hated it.

For a few seconds he simply stared at me, those big baby blues just focused wholly on my face as he clearly processed what I had just uttered - my fists started to clench again, open and closed, open and closed. A numb sort of panic was working its way up and down my arms, through to my chest; for one crazy moment I considered the possibility that I was having a heart attack.

I snorted.

He laughed.

Rapidly my eyes zeroed in on the way his lips separated as the sound escaped, watching the tiny tremors around his mouth and the way his eyes shut temporarily before flying back open and staring up at the exploding sky -

_Wait, exploding sky?! What the hell is this kid _doing_ to me?!_

He shook his head slowly from side to side. "You so did not just say that."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Seriously though, I mean… I know I'm crazy, but I honestly did not just hear you say that. Surely?" His eyes skidded back to mine, tears falling down his cheeks that I'm pretty sure he didn't even know about. "I… no, but seriously?"

My lips set themselves into a grim line. "Get it together, Newbie."

At least my voice was under control, even if the rest of me clearly wasn't.

"Get what together? Holy _shit_ though. I'd ask you to repeat it but if you don't, I honestly think my heart might just tear in two -"

"You need to get a grip, kid."

A hysterical laugh bubbled out of him. "Aha, but no, see, that's why it's funny! Because… because I thought that if you told me that you didn't love me, that if you were just gonna leave me…" Another strange, high-pitched laugh. "I thought THAT would be what would make me lose grip, but it turns out, Dr. Cox, it turns out that you _telling_ me that you love me is what's going to make me lose myself. Oh. Oho. That's just _hilarious_!"

Unnerved, I reached out and grasped him firmly by the arms, giving him a little shake. "Newbie, you seriously need to pull yourself together. _Right now_."

His eyes shifted from one side to the other, avoiding my gaze. "No, but… but y'see…"

"No, I don't see," I interrupted, frustration welling up inside of me. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he acting like the one who had just lost a dollar and found a penny? Surely that was my role after just admitting what I had? "_I don't see_."

JD tilted his head to one side slightly, finally meeting my gaze. "You just told me that you loved me."

My mouth set itself into that grim line again.

He blinked, suddenly looking confused. "Wait… you _did_ say that, didn't you? You didn't say… you _shove_ me or something…?"

I snorted again. "Yeah Newbie, I said I _shove_ you. That's exactly what I said."

His eyes filled with horror.

"Please tell me you're joking -"

"Of course I'm joking," I cut in irritably, releasing his arms and folding my own in front of my chest. "You know what you heard, so stop playing games."

The flash that went off in his eyes revealed to me that, actually, he _wasn't_ playing games. He just… didn't believe me.

So I had a choice.

Either I walk away and let him move on with his life thinking that maybe I _didn't_ say it, or… or I tell him again. I say those damned words once more and never again for as long as I live.

I stepped back.

The light in his eyes died.

_Aw shit._

"Fine," I sighed, my fists clenching tighter than they had before, "you win. I _did_ say it. I said what you've been waiting god knows how long to hear from me - are you happy now?"

To my complete shock, he shook his head. Another flicker of frustration spasmed through me. "No?"

"I… no."

I gritted my teeth together. "Why the _hell_ not?" I fought to stay calm; it was difficult. He was good at pissing me off.

Newbie ran his hand through his hair, water trickling out of it anew. "You said it but now you won't say it again, right?"

I nodded curtly.

"Then… how exactly is that supposed to make me happy?"

I felt a growl bubbling in the back of my throat.

"I said what you wanted me to. How exactly is that _nawt_ making you giggly like a schoolgirl?"

"Because you only said what I wanted you to."

_If he keeps twisting my words, I'm going to kill him._ "That isn't what I meant."

He stepped forward, closing most of the distance between us. I fought the urge to move away. "Then say it again."

I shook my head. "Not gonna happen, Laura."

"Why not?"

The growl escaped. "_Because I said so._"

He shrugged. "Then walk away. If you're not willing to say it again, then clearly -"

"All right, you pain in my ass!" He stopped talking, looking at me. I took in a deep breath. "I… I care about you."

His mouth opened, but I cut in before he had a chance to say a word. "I love you."

My brain threatened to kill me. And him.

Almost like a deflating balloon he let all of the air out of his body, his arms raising as he lifted his hands to cover his eyes - hands that were shaking. Hard.

I fought the unfamiliar urge to take them in my own.

"I do, Newbie. I mean that. But -"

"No, no - no buts. We're fine with what you just said. You love me."

I smiled slightly, the gesture more like an ache than a sign of happiness. "_But -_"

His voice was barely more than a whisper, his hands still covering his eyes. "Please don't."

"But I'm still leaving."

The tremor that went through his body didn't go unnoticed. It made my muscles tense. For a few long moments, we stood in the shitty weather opposite one another, him with his shaking body and self-blinded eyes and me… well, and me. I was feeling little of anything other than a little muscle spasm in my arm every now and again, threatening to undo all of my determination by reaching out and pulling him into me.

…_when did he start meaning this much to you? Pull yourself together, you Irish sissy._

"I would really, really appreciate it if you didn't go."

I half-laughed, half growled. "Don't be so stupid, it's not like I have much of a choice."

JD's arms dropped to his sides. "But that's just it! You do! You can… you can _be_ with me -"

"And what about Jordan, hmm? And Jack? You want us to be a happy little family of four, all living under the same roof? Give me a break Newbie."

He shuffled on the spot, looking down at his feet - the look was so reminiscent of how he'd looked after I had berated him yet again in the doctor's lounge the day he'd thought Mrs. Berry had died that I literally had to take another step back to stop myself from crushing him against my chest.

"I…"

The sentence remained unfinished. He looked around, blue eyes darting everywhere as if to look for an answer but finding nothing. I sighed, unfolding my arms and putting my hands behind my head in my usual stressed-out stance. "I didn't want it to be this way, JD, but you hardly left me a choice."

He rolled his eyes. "That's me, keep coming back for more 'til it stops being pity and starts being something real -"

"You're damn right I kept coming back for more," I muttered, before I could stop myself. "I can't… get… _enough_ of you. D'you know how much that drives me crazy? I mean, honestly, do you?"

"Waiting for you to actually feel the way that I do: do you know how much that drove _me_ crazy?"

The tiniest of wry smiles found its way across my lips. "I wouldn't say we feel the same, kid. I mean, sure, you love me and I… y'know, do too, but that doesn't mean our feelings are the same. If anything, you need to know that."

"So… you love me, but not that much?"

"Too much. Too much because I have a long-term partner and a kid - you seem to forget that, too easily."

He grinned, a strange sort of grin. "It's hard to see the shadows when you're blinded by the light."

The words sent a chill down my spine.

"I'm no light, Newbie. I'm the one that's probably spoiled you for anyone and everyone else for the rest of your life."

He seemed to think about this, his eyes floating around my face before meeting my straight gaze. "Y'know… you're probably right actually." He shook his head, slightly disbelieving. "And I find it disturbing that you're so sure of just what you are to me."

I took the tiniest of steps towards him. "It's empathy, Newbie, not arrogance."

_Since when did I start feeling empathy?_

My own thought was mirrored in his eyes - I grinned. "Tell me about it."

We stared at each other for a few moments before he seemed to gather himself together, straightening his back.

"So… this is it, huh? The final goodbye?"

Forcing myself to be as I would have been before he had forced his way under my skin, I nodded, jaw stiff. "I'll be out of your hair in no time."

"Get as far out of my hair as you like, you'll still be a part of me."

My responding snort was derisive, but half-hearted. "You get that out of a Hallmark card?"

JD smiled faintly. "If I can't say crap like that now, when can I? S'not like I'll find anyone new to say it to anytime soon." He shrugged, widening his grin, though it clearly took a shit-load of effort. "Maybe I'll come visit you wherever you are, find some girl in your new hospital."

I sought out his gaze. "You know that's not gonna happen, don't you? You… can't follow me. You can't find me. I'm moving away for a reason. If I thought I could handle having you in my life at the same time as keeping my family together then -"

"I know. It was my turn to joke."

"Wasn't that funny, to be honest with you."

"Can't say I didn't try."

This I agreed with. He was clearly trying. "Yeah."

A few seconds of awkward silence passed - we stood, avoiding each other's eyes, him standing to one side and me to another. It was shit. The silence reprimanded me hotly, reminding me that _this_ was one of the reasons I had tried to avoid such a shitty situation, that _this_ was the outcome I knew would come to pass all along. I hated myself for the reasonable edge to my thoughts, wishing for the first time in the last twenty-five years or so that I could take the road of the unexpected rather than the clear cut one.

Finally JD turned to me, his eyes full of en emotion I didn't even want to know the name of.

"So. Dr. Cox."

He extended his hand.

"I guess this is goodbye."

**X X X X X**

Shoving my clothes into the small suitcase I had brought with me, I let my eyes slide around the room - pants, shirts, shoes, scotch… yes, that was pretty much everything. I slammed the lid down, pulling the zip around to seal it shut and shoved it off of the bed, smoothing down the creases it had left and trying to ignore the fact that my entire body seemed inclined to give up. Exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks as I straightened up, but I forced it to one side - I had a two-hour drive back to my apartment and I sure as hell wasn't leaving tomorrow with the rest of them. Kelso and his minions would just have to do without me.

_And not just tomorrow._

I checked out of the hotel without even so much as a word to anyone, leaving with the concierge two letters. I threw the suitcase into the passenger seat of my car, walking around the other side and sliding myself into the cool leather behind the wheel.

Without pausing to think, I started the ignition and pulled out of the parking lot, eyes focused completely on the road ahead, not once looking back.

**X X X X X**

_**JD POV**_

I watched him leave from the courtyard, wondering how many more times this man would break me apart before I gave up.

My heart and head battled mercilessly.

**X X X X X**

"JD, come _on_ already! I'm pretty sure you've taken all the freebies you can get, so _move!_"

I forced a grin as I shut my door behind me, joining the little Sacred Heart group that were now heading to the concierge to sign out; they were a bubbly group - to my surprise, Dr. Wen was laughing alongside Dr. Lenvethal, Turk was chatting with Dr. Kelso and Carla - oh, wait. Carla was looking straight at me. I flashed a smile.

She raised an eyebrow, shifting her way past Nurse Bonnington to walk beside me.

"Smile all you want, Bambi, I know he left yesterday without so much as a goodbye."

Though her words were somewhat reprimanding, her tone was gentle; I shrugged, descending the stairs and finding myself hurting from the memory of watching Dr. Cox walk casually down them in a tux. "He's doing what he has to do. I'm not going to hold it against him."

She harrumphed, shaking her head - if she'd been standing still, I knew she'd be doing the whole 'Carla from the block' thing. "Well don't mind me then, because I am _mad_ at him."

We stood in front of the desk, everyone signing the guestbook and chatting with the concierge who, admittedly, seemed sad to see us go. "Why?"

"Because he had sex with you and left you, that's why! I am going to _kill_ him when I get to work tomorrow -"

"You won't have a chance to. He's taking all the vacation he's owed and handing in his notice."

Carla's deep brown eyes flew up to meet mine, shock radiating from every pore. "Dr. Cox is leaving Sacred Heart?" Unconsciously, her hand moved up to rest over her chest. "_Why?_"

I turned away from her, looking straight ahead. "Because he loves me and can't handle being around me when he has a family to hold together."

I saw her blanch at this - I couldn't blame her. More than anything, my tone was so overtly _casual_ that it was probably even harder to absorb this new information. I couldn't help it, though. Being casual about everything would help me through. Somehow.

"Did… he say he loved you?"

I nodded shortly. She let out a tiny gasp - at this, I reached out and grasped her a little too tight on the arm, looking at her fiercely. "Carla, I swear, if you tell a single soul I will _kill_ you."

She slapped my hand - I let go. Her eyes were full of concern and knowledge. "It's disturbing how much you sounded like Dr. Cox when you said that."

I shrugged.

"Plus, of _course_ I won't tell anyone. Who would I tell?"

"Elliot, Laverne, your Mom's grave -"

She hit me in the arm, allowing a tiny smile. "Fine. I won't tell them. Other than my Mom -" I shot her a look as she grasped at my sleeve desperately. " - oh please, JD? Who is _she_ going to tell?"

_God… and then there's no way I'm getting into heaven…_

I let it go. "Fine. But that's it."

She nodded. "Got it."

We reached the front of the desk, both of us thanking the concierge for the wonderful stay and signing our names and leaving a little message in the guestbook - after doing this, the woman who had first greeted us a few days ago held out a letter. Instantly I recognised Dr. Cox's handwriting and reached for it - she shook her head, handing it to Carla.

I blinked, trying to ignore how much that had hurt.

"This was left for you yesterday - there's one for a Dr. Robert Kelso too -"

_So he's doing this incognito, huh? Nice._ I supposed that this way at least he wouldn't have to risk seeing me again.

My stomach churned.

Kelso, laughing at something that one of the board members had said edged his way over, taking the letter and cracking open the envelope - an A5 piece of hotel paper slid out, his eyes taking in the words, the smile slowly dying on his face.

I swallowed hard.

"Bob? Everything okay?"

One of the board members appeared at his side, concern in his eyes - Dr. Kelso shook his head, motioning to the others to join him as he moved away from us all and spoke quietly to them - I saw the looks of surprise on their faces and, in a moment that was quite unexpectedly touching, the look of regret and disbelief on Dr. Kelso's face.

I guess it was true that I wasn't the only one who would feel the loss of Dr. Cox.

He came back over, joining us once again. He looked pretty resigned. "I suppose it's only fair that I tell you all now, before we get back to the hospital - Perry Cox has resigned his post as Residency Director."

Everyone looked at each other, mirroring the shock of what they had just heard with my own, hearing it for the second time from someone else. I realised, at that moment, that if I stayed in that building for even a second longer I would break down and reveal to one-too-many people just how much this news killed me.

I pushed past them, accidentally elbowing Dr. Kelso on the way out - I saw him start after me, but ignored him as I pushed the door open and let the clean, cool air hit me… the relief was instantaneous, though brief.

Without considering any other options, I pulled out my cell phone and dialled.

"Oh, hi - can I have a taxi from the Goldmeadow Hotel to 56 Walnut Drive please?"

**X X X X X**

_Carla,_

_Before you yell at me and round up the Spanish Inquisition, I need you to know that what I'm doing is for the right reasons. I know by now that Newbie would've told you everything and that you're probably foaming at the mouth, but hey, would you rather I left my kid and my partner to run off and play 'happy land' with him? I'm being realistic, I'm being sensible and most importantly, I'm doing what's best for JD._

_I'm not saying I think it'll be easy, but I still love Jordan as well as loving my kid more than anyone on this entire planet. At least if I cut and run from Newbie now, he has years ahead of him to find someone who can give him everything rather than someone who's a complete asshole most of the time and holds back right until the last minute. And then goes back to being an asshole again. I'm a vicious circle - you know, I know it and he ought to have figured it out by now._

_I'm not doing this to hurt him. I'm doing it to save him - and me, of course. It's more selfish than it is selfless, though if I were being completely selfish I'd have my cake and eat it too - but that's not my style._

_Basically… take care of him. He'll need it. As for me, once I'm settled I'll get in touch - but when I do, do me a favour? Don't tell the kid where I am. I just… hope that you understand is all. I hope that you're not going to brand me the biggest bastard in the world and try to accept that I'm doing this because I care about him._

_Too much._

_Take care, Carla. You'll hear from me soon._

_- Perry._

**X X X X X**

_Bobbo - _

_I'm taking all the vacation that you owe me from over the years - oh, and I'm resigning. Looks like you've finally got rid of me, huh?_

_It's been a horror. Hope your son's Chlamydia test comes back negative._

_- Perry Cox._

**X X X X X**

_Perry,_

_You already know what this letter's gonna say, so I won't drag it out - I've taken Jack and moved some of my stuff over to my mother's. I'm going to stay there for a little while - I don't know how long - and in the meantime, I hope that you figure out what you really want._

_It's not your fault, and I'm not angry at you; I'm under no disillusion here. I know you love me and I know you love your son, but for whatever reason that's not what you want right now and for once I'M going to be the one that says 'do what you want'. Take this time to figure out what that really is and, well… I guess I'll just have to see what happens._

_I'll drop Jack over every once in a while, okay? Just because we're not living in the same apartment doesn't mean I'm going to keep him out of your life. I still love you, after all, and…_

_Well, it's about time you were allowed to screw up. I've done it enough times._

_I'll call you._

_J._


	24. Terms of Endearment

_**SUSPENSE! DRAMA! INTRIGUE! All in a days work for Dr. Cox, JD and, of course, me. =D **_

_**I just wrote this chapter in two hours. XD Not because I felt I had to, but because it was LITERALLY screaming inside of my head to be put on paper. Ahahaha. ENJOY!**_

**Chapter Twenty-Four - Terms of Endearment**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

_Carla (14:01) So she's just… gone?_

_Yep._

_Carla (14:06) What did the letter say exactly?_

_Does it matter?_

_Carla (14:11) It does if you're as torn apart as I expect you to be._

_Torn apart is an exaggeration. I saw it coming._

_Carla (14:13) Liar._

_What do you want me to say? That I'm glad I drove my ex-wife out of my apartment and am now as alone as I'll ever be? Come on._

_Carla (14:19) You're not alone, you know as well as I do that if you kiss Kelso's ass for a few days he'll give you back your job._

_Who says I want it?_

_Carla (14: 25) Are you telling me you don't miss the hospital already? It's been five days. I miss you. We miss you._

_I made a choice and I'm going to follow it through._

_Carla (14:28) You know all you have to do is call him and he'll be there like a shot._

_Call who?_

_Carla (14:36) Don't do that. You know who I'm talking about. Pretending he doesn't exist won't make your feelings disappear._

I sighed, taking a swig of the beer I was holding.

_Give me one good reason why I should listen to you._

_Carla (14:45) Because I know you and I know him… and what I know is that he's struggling. Mrs Berry passed away two days ago, as well as some brain-tumor patient of his and he's barely said a word to anyone. Your leaving has hit him the hardest out of anybody._

Taking a deeper pull from the bottle, I stared at the text message in front of me until the words blurred together.

_It's shit luck that all of that's happened, Carla, but there's nothing I can do to change any of it._

_Carla (14:51) So you're telling me that you're not tempted to call him right this second after what I just told you? So much for love, Perry._

I snorted, the sound filling the empty apartment.

_Don't lecture me, we're all just selfish bastards at the end of the day._

_Carla (15:00) You more than anyone._

_Give me a break, I'm going through a tough time here._

_Carla (15:09) And JD isn't? Pull your head OUT of your ass for a second, won't you?_

_Only if you pull your pain out of it first._

_Carla (15:14) He knows I'm texting you, I can see it in his eyes._

_What difference does that make?_

_Carla (15:21) If you could see the way he keeps 'casually' looking at his phone you'd know what kind of difference it makes, you self-centered ass._

I sighed with frustration, throwing my phone down on the couch next to me and ignoring it as it flew off, bounding onto the floor; it stared up at me, still lit up with her words, still making me feel like shit.

Yeah, I was being self-centered. I wasn't _so_ self-centered that I couldn't see it, but that didn't mean that it made what I was doing any easier - hell, all I'd done for the past four days was sit with a bottle of some sort in my hands, letting the alcohol have its wicked way with me and settle me into a nice, numb cocoon. Though in some twisted sense I appreciate Carla's nagging, at the same time I didn't need to hear it.

I needed to be alone. Completely and utterly. Jordan had been kind enough to set the ball rolling.

"Goddamn it," I cursed, slamming the bottle of beer onto the glass table in front of me and rubbing my hands over my face - when did life get so unreasonable? When had I decided that it was okay to just risk everything that was actually _decent_ in this godforsaken hellhole and…

And.

_Screw it._

I stood, reaching down slowly to claim my cell again. Slowly, the alcohol racing to my head as the movement warranted, I flicked through my contacts list until it came to rest on her name.

Sighing, I pressed my phone to my ear. A few seconds later -

"Hello?"

I shut my eyes.

"I don't know if you remember me, but my name's Perry. Cox."

A short silence. "I remember you."

"Great, great. Look, I know you owe me nothing but a punch in the face, but… would you mind doing me a huge favour?"

**X X X X X**

Her green-brown eyes focused on me lightly, hands folded demurely in her lap as she settled herself in to her new surroundings.

"I have to say, I didn't exactly expect your call."

I grinned wryly, sitting forward and pouring myself a scotch - I shook the bottle slightly at her, but she shook her head. I shrugged, taking a sip of my own and meeting her gaze. "I wasn't planning on using your number until now."

With a tiny smile, Lesley laced her fingers together and took a brief look around her. "I hate your apartment."

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's too cold. Empty. Big."

I took a bigger drink. "It wasn't empty 'til five days ago."

She nodded, looking somewhat sympathetic. "So I take it you were married up until this point?"

"No. It was my ex-wife. We work better when there's no rings involved."

"…what made you cross to the other side of the road?"

Snorting at her wording, I stood, suddenly antsy. "It's nothing to do with wanting to fuck a man - excuse my language, but get used to it - 'cos I swear to god, if it had been anyone but him I wouldn't have gone as far as I did."

A delicate eyebrow rose. "You had feelings for John before all of this?"

The sound of his real name made me smile slightly. It pissed me off. "None whatsoever, and I mean that literally. He was, if anything, the pain in my ass that followed me day in, day out around the hospital like a lost puppy-dog."

"So…" She processed this, obviously trying to put it all together. "What changed?"

I shrugged. "I got angry at him one day and he ended up pressed up against the wall."

She blinked. "So this is all about power?"

I _loved_ how she got me, straight away.

"That's how it started, sure. I wanted to dominate him, at times control him completely but something changed, something… something I still can't place, even now."

"Do you think he was the one to seek out the change? Did you seek it?"

I let out a bark of laughter. "Hell no - to the latter, I mean. I tried setting things back to normal a few times but it just…"

"Intensified?"

Our eyes met. "I guess so. One day it was about power, the next I actually felt a…" I growled under my breath, hating that I had to say it out loud. "…sexual _pull_. I think it was still predominantly about the power, but there was something else to it."

Lesley nodded, leaning forward slightly. "And then what?"

"And then a little while after we first…" Another growl. "Kissed."

She blatantly tried to hide a smile as she nodded for me to continue. I narrowed my eyes.

"After that, it became less about the power and more about the release. The first time we actually did something more than kiss -"

I broke off suddenly, looking at her, frustrated and bewildered.

"Why am I telling you all this?"

For a few minutes Lesley simply stared at me, searching my eyes for something; as soon as she seemed to find whatever the hell it was that she was looking for, she stood, lightly inching her way over to where I stood and sitting on the couch just beside me. Her eyes stayed on mine.

"I don't know, Perry. Maybe it's because you need to, or maybe it's because I'm practically a stranger to you so it doesn't really matter what you tell me."

I shook my head slightly - neither of those seemed right.

"Or maybe - just maybe -" her soft little hand was suddenly gently taking mine, tugging me until I sat back down beside her, releasing her fingers from their grasp and lacing her fingers back together again. Who the hell was this woman, and why didn't I want to tear her a new one? " - it's because I remind you of him."

My muscles tensed. "No."

Another eyebrow raise. "Um, yes."

"No!" More insistent this time. She sighed.

"All right, you seem to be having some severe acceptance issues here, so… I'll lay this out for you as quickly as possible so you can get back to what you were originally saying: John and I, despite our age gap and despite our gender difference -" she ignored my snort, " - are incredibly similar. We're both dreamers, idealists, a little bit insane. We both like rom-com's and pretending we're something we're not and, more than anything…"

I waited. She sighed again.

"More than anything, we just _think_ in the same way. We give off the same vibes. I knew _instantly_ when I met him that I'd found a soul mate and I didn't want to let that bypass me."

I waited a few seconds, absorbing that before shaking my head. "Soul mates? You believe in all that crap?"

Her gaze didn't waver. "I believe that you can meet someone who seems so impossibly good for you and, sometimes, so incredibly _similar_ to you that you can't help but know you want to know them for the rest of your life."

Smirking, I took another swig of scotch. "Oh, to be young and naïve again."

"Scoff all you want, but you know the rest of it is right."

_Damn_. She had me there. "Whatever. Can I carry on talking now?"

She shrugged. "You were the one that interrupted me, not the other way around."

I scowled. "Again, _whatever_. So. The first time the kid and I did anything more than kiss we were in this nightclub, and -"

"A nightclub? How did you not get thrown out of there?"

I tensed again. "It was a gay club."

Smiling that tiny smile again, she indicated that I should continue. I narrowed my eyes at her for the second time.

"Beforehand I caught him making out with this other guy -"

"And he's so _adamant_ that he's not gay!"

I resisted the urge to clamp my hand over her mouth. "I pretty much tore him a new one, acted as if it were because I was worried about him getting date-raped or something but the truth of it was… I was jealous."

Silence. I carried on.

"It wasn't until the drive home _after_ I'd left, come back and then jacked him off that I realised it. It pissed me off. A lot."

Lesley's voice was soft as she replied, "It's not your fault. If what I've gathered so far from what you've said is right, you went from him being am amoeba in your ointment to someone that had a severe effect on your emotions. It's to be expected."

To my utter frustration, it didn't quite hit the nail on the head. "Yeah… if my 'not feeling anything' line had been true that might have some truth to it. The rest is right, sure, but -"

"You… had feelings for him before all of this?"

I shook my head, adamant that she understand. "No, no, I didn't _want_ him that way, that's just… no. But he _was_ sort of like my mentee. My protégé, if you will."

A smile crept across her face. "Why do I get the feeling he would cry of joy if he heard what you just said?"

"If he ever finds out, I'm coming for you."

She grinned. "Give it your best shot."

"I just…" I rubbed my hand over my face again. "I don't know when it changed from lust to… this."

Her hand came to rest on top of mine again - once more I was annoyed more at myself than her, wondering why I still wasn't verbally abusing her for touching me.

"You should probably get used to saying it aloud. I know to you it speaks of puppy-dogs and roses and all things pure and innocent - but you need to verbalise it. It's important."

"I barely say it to Jordan - my ex-wife - let alone using it freely when referring to Newbie."

Her nose wrinkled in confusion. "Newbie?"

I grinned, raising the glass of scotch to my lips again. "Called him it from day one."

"He's been working for you for… what, four years now?"

"Pretty much."

Her own eyes narrowed. "So why still call him something so derogatory?"

Phrasing it that way caused my stomach to jerk uncomfortably - and I knew why. I said as much. "Because… what started out as a derogatory way of referring to him has, over time, become… the closest thing to a term of endearment. I suppose."

What I didn't expect was the bellow of laughter this evoked from her; literally she curled up into herself, eyes creasing up at the edges as she practically choked on it, holding her flat stomach as she bent herself over double. I stared, half-concerned, half-annoyed that she had found my admission so funny.

"What's the deal, Priscilla?" Instantly I regretted calling her by another woman's name, the taste of it wrong and foreign when not directed at a pair of laughing blue eyes. "What's so funny?"

She ceased her laughter as quickly as she could, straightening up and wiping her eyes. Her muscles tensed from time to time as she clearly fought the urge to laugh again. "You are such a _woman_!"

My jaw tightened. "And why is that?"

"That's not the best part," she giggled, shaking her pretty little head. "The best part is that you _clearly_ have had feelings for him before now whether you like it or not!"

My teeth were so tightly clenched together that I was sure my jaw would explode. "Are you quite aware of how much of a pain in my ass you're steadily becoming?"

Lesley flashed her pearly white smile at me. "As much of one as you are to me, let me reassure you."

Allowing the tiniest of smiles and by far the most realistic one since I'd left that damned hotel, I let myself slouch back against the couch. "So. What now?"

Delicately she shod the slip-ons she wore off of her little feet and curled her legs up underneath her - I rose an eyebrow at her settling herself in. She ignored it, instead tilting her head to the side as she looked at me - it froze my insides, instantly reminding me of Newbie.

"I don't know, Perry. Your partner has just offered you at least a few weeks to get your head together and to figure out what it is you want. You currently have a broken-hearted man sitting at home probably staring blankly at a television screen he's barely seeing - oh, and you've pretty much just proved by all that babbling that you're still crazy about him."

I shot her a look. Again, she ignored me.

"It's your call, Perry. You can either leave town like John's text informed me you planned to do -" I looked at her in surprise. She nodded. "Yep, he told me. Text me six days ago, said he was on his way home and that you'd cut and run. I could feel the devastation through the phone, I swear to god…"

I groaned. "I don't want to hear this -"

"Fine then. Where was I? Oh, right - you can either leave town now and start anew, tell your wife that it's her and her alone for the rest of your life… or you can get on the phone to him right this second and invite him over to talk."

My eyes shut tight. "Talk about _what_ exactly?"

"Life. Love. Loss. What happens when you break away from one love and find you've possibly lost another… and how best to go on living afterwards."

I grinned sardonically. "You're good with words."

"What can I say, I'm a wordsmith." Her eyes sought mine out again as I forced them open. "Seriously, though. You need to make a choice."

The tiniest trickle of desperation made its way through my veins, making me feel sick to my stomach. "So what if I do call him? I'm sure as hell not going to ask him to move in with me five days after my partner's left me, especially if her leaving is temporary -"

"I know, and I know you're probably still hurting from that. Please don't think I don't see that. I understand that you don't want him to 'fix' it by replacing her."

I growled. "He _couldn't_ replace her, even if he tried."

Her eyes turned serious. "Just like she can't replace _him_."

_Damn_. She was right. Again.

"All I'm saying is… she left you for a reason. She hasn't left you because she doesn't love you."

"I know," I muttered. "She said as much in her letter. Said that she wanted to give me the chance to discover what I want, like I did all those times for her."

Lesley looked mildly surprised. "She's cheated on you before?"

"Sure she has. Most of the time it was with my permission."

"I don't understand."

I sighed. "No one ever does."

"Okay… well, if _that's_ the case then why the hell aren't you taking this opportunity? She's not going to berate you, she's not going to hate you - she's just giving you one chance compared to the apparent _many_ you've given her!" Her tone was excitable, almost endearing. Yeah, she was a lot like Newbie. It twisted inside of me - being with her, it made me… aw hell, it made me miss him. Instantly I felt annoyed at him for it. "You don't know how long you're going to have to take a chance in life, Perry, and I say you should just get up off of your fat ass and _do _something with this time!"

_God_ she was annoyingly perky.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, her wide eyes glued on mine and glowing with excitement, my fingers drumming on my thigh as what she had said settled into my head, making a few things click into place.

I had to clear one thing up though, before I did anything else.

I looked her straight in the eye.

"My ass is rock solid, thank you _very_ much."


	25. Something New

_**A/N: I don't own Scrubs. I seriously wish I did, or at least had the chance to beg a certain two actors to perhaps film a scene or two of this Fic… but hey. Life can't always be that epic.**_

_**Onwards.**_

**Chapter Twenty-Five - Something New**

_**JD POV**_

I slammed the clipboard down on the nurses station, fuming - where the hell were the interns? I'd asked Stacey to do a CAT scan on Mr. Knight an hour ago and _still_ it hadn't been done - not to mention Joe who had promised to finish his paperwork by 2pm the previous day… surprise surprise, still not finished. I'd had it up to _here_ with the incompetence of them all and I knew that the next person to get in my way would be in Anger-town.

I turned, fists clenched, ready to find the sorry excuses for doctor's that somehow though they'd see the end of their internship and found myself stopping in my tracks.

Okay, so maybe not _quite_ the next person would be in Anger-town. Lesley stood in front of me, tentative smile and all - relief flooded through me at the sight of a friendly face, surprising me completely. Relief had been a foreign concept this last week and I seriously hadn't expected it to come in the form of someone I was sure I'd probably never see again.

I walked towards her, trying to inject some warmth into my eyes. "Hey stranger - what're you doing on my side of town?"

She grinned, slipping her hands inside her trouser pocket's and shrugging. "I guess I wanted to see where worked - y'know, see if you really do work miracles here."

"Good luck spotting any of those," I replied dryly, walking towards the cafeteria and indicating that she should follow. "With the interns we have this year the most you'll probably see will be patient after patient dying, domino-style."

Her nose wrinkled in sympathy. "That bad, huh?"

I nodded. "They're the worst I've seen since starting here."

Gently she looped her arm through mine, squeezing it gently to her side - the gesture felt familiar despite her still being practically a stranger to me. I guess she'd been right; we were pretty similar. She reminded me of the younger version of myself, the guy that had just finished medical school and was itching to get into the big wide world and start _living_.

_If this is life, she's in for a treat_, I thought sarcastically to myself, directing her towards one of the tables by the window and sliding onto one of the chairs, placing my arms onto the table and resting one hand on top of the other. "So. What are you really here for?"

Lesley arched her eyebrow but didn't try to bullshit me. Her answer, however, was not what I had expected. "Perry called me and asked me to come visit you."

I stared at her for a second before shaking my head slightly. "Too scared to come and face me himself? So he should be," I joked, pretending to flex my muscles, "I'm a dangerous guy to mess with!"

Lightly she touched one of her hands to my own. "Don't do that," she murmured, shaking her head in a mirror image of my own movement a few seconds ago. "Don't make a joke of something you clearly want."

"I don't want that," I countered, pulling my hands out from under her own and putting them in my lap. "I don't want to see him. For one… I don't know what I'd say to him. I don't even know if I'd be able to _look_ at him."

Her eyes were sympathetic as they came to rest on mine. "He's going through a tough time too, John. Maybe seeing you would -"

"Oh yeah, I'm sure he's going through a really hard time," I mocked, the irritation and anger I had felt not just minutes ago but over the past week flooding back into my system as quickly as it had disappeared. "What with his cushy apartment and endless vacation time to spend with his family, must be _real_ hard on him right now."

She leant back in her chair, regarding me. "So you don't know yet."

I had no idea what she meant. "Know about what?"

"That Perry's wife left him."

My mind went numb from shock. _What? Jordan left Dr. Cox? Why?_

I didn't need to speak aloud. "She wants to give him time to decide what he wants from life - namely, if he wants to be with you or not."

The thought both filled me with hope and sickened me. "You mean she's moved out so that he can screw his mistress? I mean his master - I mean…" I shook my head hard, wondering why I was focusing on the least important mistakes here. "Whatever… you mean she just up and left? Because… of me?"

A small smile curled her cupids-bow lips up at the end, her fingers lifting up to push some of her strawberry-blonde hair behind her ear. "I think it was more because of _him_, but sure."

Guilt began to toy with my stomach. "So… now he's staying here?"

"I don't think he's coming back here but yes, he's sticking around in town for a while."

I swallowed hard, not particularly wanting to ask the next question. "Does he want to see me?"

_Don't be so stupid. You told the guy you loved him by accident, he had sex with you, admitted he loved you and then told you he was leaving to save his family. He obviously wants to wrap you up in his arms and call you 'darling'._

She chewed on her lower lip - that was enough for me to know the answer to _that_ one. I asked another. "Is he… happy?"

"He's confused," she replied, toying with her car keys. "Doesn't know quite what he's doing but he'll… work it out. Worst case scenario is he leaves town after all, making a completely fresh start without either one of the two people he wants to be with."

I sat back in my chair, still somewhat overwhelmed with this new piece of news.

"I totally didn't see this coming."

Lesley smiled wryly. "I'm pretty sure he didn't either."

At this, I looked at her, eyes narrowing. "How come you know all of this and I don't?"

She began to look distinctly uncomfortable. "He… told me not to tell you. I would've text you otherwise."

"But… does that mean you're the only one that knows? Why did he confide in you?"

"I think a few people know, John - I don't know any names, he didn't exactly list them." I noted that she deliberately didn't answer the second question - I wondered if he'd slept with her, rebound-style. The possibility filled me with more pain than I had been expecting; Lesley seemed to see this and reached forward again, placing her warm little hand on top of my arm and stubbornly gripping on slightly.

"Honestly John, if he hadn't specifically told me not to -"

"So why are you telling me now? I'll ask again, why are you here?"

Back to chewing her lip. It annoyed me. Where was an intern when you needed to yell at someone? "He genuinely _did_ ask me to come check up on you -"

I spluttered. "I'm not a child!"

"But he _cares_ about you," she said earnestly, leaning forward. "He wanted me to make sure that you had someone looking out for you and you alone!"

"If he's that worried he can call me."

She snorted, pretty little nostrils quivering - it was so indelicate and so unlike her that I couldn't help but snort back. "Oh John, you really think big ol' Perry is going to call you right after the person he left you for has vamoosed? You really are dimmer than the average doctor."

_Hmmph._ "Fine, whatever. It doesn't make any difference anyway so I honestly don't get why you're here, telling me all of this."

"I'm _here_ because he thinks I'll understand you enough to take care of you. And I'm telling you this because you have a right to know, whether he thinks so or not."

I opened my mouth to reply, but a shadow came out of nowhere and hovered over us; Dr. Kelso glared down at me, muffin in hand and anger practically radiating off of him. Lesley glanced from him to me before standing.

"I err… I should go."

Kelso pointedly ignored her (_he must be REALLY mad)_. "Dr. Dorian, I'd like to see you in my office. _Now_."

_Goddamned interns! Who have they killed now?!_

I pushed my chair back, glancing at Lesley - she was backing out of the cafeteria, lifting her hand in a 'call me' gesture; I sent her a quick affirmative nod before following the miffed Kelso through the halls and into his office, stopping in the doorway and staring around me. I realised, to my surprise, that Ted wasn't in here like usual.

"Close the door Dorian and sit down. Your hovering makes me nervous."

I did as he asked, scooting quickly over to the chair opposite him and sitting down. My eyes drifted around the room once again before coming to land back on his. He looked at me for a few moments, still frowning.

My lips separated in preparation to stick up for myself and my shitty interns, but he got there first, stunning me with his words.

"So. How're you doing?"

I blinked. "…sir?"

"Been a tough few days with Cox gone."

_Was he seriously trying to talk to me about Dr. Cox?_

"Lots of extra work to do. God knows where I'm going to find a decent Residency Director to fill in for him."

I nodded, lost in my thoughts. _If he knew what had happened at that hotel he would so not be talking to me about this._

His eyes flashed to mine. His tone became oddly gentle. "How're you handling it, son?"

I forced a smile. "I'm staying on top of things sir, no need to worry."

He nodded slowly, his eyes still on mine. "And you… want to stay here?"

_Okay, what?_ "Yes, Dr. Kelso, of course I do." I stared at him, trying to work out what he was really saying. "I'm not going to leave just because Dr. Cox has - I'm a good doctor with or without him."

The smile that he bestowed on me was so grandfatherly, so kind that it made my heart wrench - my hands twitched, wanting to grasp at my chest. _Please stop looking at me like that._ "I'm sure you are, champ. I just know how hard it is to lose a mentor."

I gripped hard onto the arms of my chair. _If you keep smiling at me like that I'm GOING to CRY._ "I'm sure I'll manage fine without one - we all have to let go sometimes, don't we sir?" I forced a laugh but it sounded all wrong - his eyes were still on mine, assessing me, reading me, trying to get _something_ out of me.

He leant forward.

"Dr. Dorian… I'm not good at this sort of thing and quite frankly it makes me uncomfortable but… I don't want you to let Dr. Cox's leaving destroy your place here."

I couldn't absorb the words - I was far too focused on keeping myself from crying.

_I miss Dad._

"It's hard when we put ourselves out there and become emotionally attached. I may be a dinosaur but I genuinely _do_ know what it feels like when someone you care about just ups and leaves."

_I miss Dr. Cox._

"What I'm trying to say is… if you love someone that much that your whole life starts going pear-shaped without them, you have to make your move before it's too late."

My eyes focused properly on his.

_What did he just say?!_

A small smile twitched onto Dr. Kelso's lips as he stood, holding his hands behind his back and looking out of the window.

"It's not often you see relationships develop between doctors - you get the occasional two that come together and sure, some of them will last but in the end most of them give into the pressure. Working in a place like this together, it damn near tears you apart."

I knew my eyes were as wide as they could go but it was impossible to stop myself from reacting to this. Dr. Kelso was… _comforting_ me. Comforting me because he had somehow picked up on something I had barely known myself until it was too late. Vaguely I wondered if things would have been different if I'd have understood my feelings sooner, back when I'd just started and he hated Jordan more than anything in this world…

"Dr. Dorian, are you listening to me?"

I jerked back to reality. "I'm sorry sir, what?"

He started to walk slowly around to my side of the desk. "My point is that if you want something enough, you've got to _go_ for it. I've seen a fair share of doctors give in to the pressures of an outside life versus their career and a damn good half or so have been some of the best doctors I've ever known - _don't_ become one of them, sport! If you love Perry _that much _then you damn well need to get out there and do something about it! Because I promise you, if you don't -" He came to stand next to me, a strange mixture of my Chief of Medicine and my grandfather. " - you'll come to regret it. Either your life or your career will go down the drain and in all honesty son, right now I don't think you even have a life to lose."

Looking up at him I knew what he was saying was true - and it cut to the bone. I'd reduced my life to a fraction of what it had been before whilst chasing an impossible goal - but now, was that goal so impossible? Could I actually take a risk and get what I really wanted for a change?

I stood. "Sir, I… thank you."

He looked up at me, grandfather smile back again. "I think Perry Cox is an asshole, but if he makes you happy then I think someone needs to kick you into action. Life is short and all that."

Confusion flooded me. "But… how did you know about all of this? How did you… why are you helping me?"

_So many questions, all the damned time._

"Because you're a damned good physician, Dorian. I've just lost my Residency Director, I don't want to go losing my Chief Resident too."

I half-smiled.

"Plus anyone could see where you were headed."

_Hmmph. Again._ "Couldn't you have warned me?" I found that I was only half-joking.

"And spoil all the fun? Don't be a killjoy Dorian, it doesn't suit you." He walked over to the door, a signal that this 'meeting' was over - so no yelling because of my crappy interns? No 'shape in or ship out'?

As I stepped out of the door he tapped me on the shoulder - I turned. Grumpy-face was back.

"Get a grip on your interns. Fire a few if you have to, but stop letting them kill all of your patients! Grow a backbone, for gods sake!"

The door slammed in my face.

**X X X X X**

The day _dragged_. I sent Lesley a text thanking her for her impromptu visit and asked her to give me a call later in the week so we could meet up and actually do something fun - I fancied bowling or something similar. It had been a while since I'd actually gone out and done something sociable without Dr. Cox being attached - for example going out to the club, going out for dinner, going to the hotel… it would make a healthy change. Despite Dr. Kelso's and Lesley's best attempts I had decided that I'd give Dr. Cox the chance to sort things out in his life before I got in touch; in the end, he had left to give me the same chance and I felt I owed it to him to do the same.

I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew that, more than anything in this world, I wanted him to be mine and mine alone, but I also knew that it was impossible. Jordan leaving aside, he would never give himself to me in the way that I wanted him to - he had already surpassed every expectation I'd ever had of him and to ask for more was just… too idealistic. Yes, I was a dreamer, but I was also trying not to be a fool. So far it hadn't worked so well but maybe now it would work. Maybe now I had enough sense about me not to screw up.

By the time my shift ended at 11pm I'd fired three interns - I could barely believe it myself - and was very much ready to just head home and hit the hay. I clocked out, bidding my goodbyes to both Turk and Carla (both of whom gave me extra big hugs - I'd avoided them recently and I knew that they were worried about me) and walking down the hallway - I saw Sasha waiting for me, gleaming in the moonlight… just the idea of driving home and having to actually walk alllll the way to my apartment and alllll the way into my bedroom made me dread the amount of effort it would take. Since leaving the hotel, everything had been an effort.

The double doors slid to let me out.

I froze.

Dr. Cox pushed himself off of the wall and stood a little distance away from me, eyes unwavering as his x-ray silvery gaze met mine; for a few seconds he simply looked at me, running his eyes over me, probably taking in the dishevelled state I was in from lack of sleep in recent days - I suddenly felt unkempt, unattractive and worst of all, vulnerable.

He jingled his car keys.

"Want a ride?"

My eyes slid from him to my scooter. He noted this, shrugging.

"It's your choice Moesha, but either way I want you to come over."

I narrowed my eyes. "Come over where?"

A smile twitched on his lips - I felt the usual buzz. Would he ever stop being so damned compelling to me? "To my apartment."

"Couldn't you have…" I stopped. Couldn't he have what? "I don't know, called first?"

He raised an eyebrow, clearly amused. "And give you the chance to make excuses? No way, Kimmy. So what're you gonna do, ride your sewing machine or get in the car?"

I hesitated. He stepped forward - the scent of him washed over me, overpoweringly familiar and devastatingly sexy. I shut my eyes for a second, marvelling in it.

"I could always just kidnap you."

_Please stop doing this._

"Doing what?"

My eyes flew open. _Shit_. I hadn't realised that I'd spoken aloud. "Giving me… hope?"

His body was so close now that I could feel the heat of him; I swallowed hard, determined to keep my wits about me. "I think I'd be right in assuming your little friend came to visit today and told you a few things?"

I nodded. His mouth set itself into a grim line.

"You'd think I'd know by now _nawt_ to trust women."

I nodded again, dazed.

"So, in telling you my piece of news, that somehow didn't give you an inkling that I'd be coming for you?"

His phrasing sent shivers down my spine. _Stop it, stop it, stop it._ "Your wife just left you."

"Ex-wife."

"Fine, whatever," I said, waving the inconsequential information away. "I didn't exactly think what you needed right now was your whipping boy."

To my horror, the crooked grin I was so enamoured with flickered across his face. I was very quickly losing my willpower. "Don't tempt me Newbie, I swear to god."

Frustration welled up inside of me. "I don't… I don't know what the right answer is here! If I come with you it's like I'm saying you don't care that your long-term partner and your son have disappeared out of your life, but if I don't… if I don't…"

"If you don't…?"

I allowed myself to fix my gaze upon his. The intensity of his gaze rendered me senseless. "If I don't I clearly have too much common sense."

Without a word, he stepped close enough to me that our bodies were practically touching, his nose just millimetres from mine. "If you'd had any common sense in the first place we wouldn't even be standing here, Newbie."

As usual, he was right. It didn't help. "Dr. Cox, I… I'm sorry."

He frowned. "For what?"

"For making your family leave you."

He looked at me for a second before sighing, stepping away from me and turning to face the parking lot.

"I've had the past week to think this whole situation through, kid, and if there's one thing I've learned it's that you can't just look at the bad side of things."

It was my turn to frown. "Who are you, and what have you done with Perry Cox?"

His head swivelled round to face me. The grin was a shadow, but was still there. "If it wasn't for your little friend I wouldn't have gained such… _objectivity_."

I wasn't sure whether to be grateful to Lesley or not. I still didn't know quite what I was doing.

"Now you know me Newbie and you know that listening to anyone when they're spouting advice is just about one of my least favourite activities in this world - I mean, you remember what happened last time you tried?"

"You broke into my apartment and commandeered my bed."

"Thaaaat's right, Melinda. But that girl, she…" He hesitated, looking at me. "She reminded me so damn much of… well, _you_."

"Seriously, who are you?"

Without warning, he reached forward and pulled me by my scrubs until I was pressed against him, his lips just inches from mine. When he spoke, the heat of his breath and the beautiful vibrations of his voice through his chest made me go light-headed. "I'm someone who's too far gone to just 'wait and see'."

I exhaled shakily.

"I've been given an opportunity and for once in my very unfulfilling life I'd actually like to _take_ it, to take a risk and see where it leads me, to do something _re-he-eally _stupid and not have to face the repercussions."

"But Jordan -"

His lips came down upon mine, briefly, lips surprisingly warm against the cold air; as quickly as he had kissed me he pulled away, pulling me away from the main doors and kissing me again, hard. When he pulled away, I was breathless.

"Jordan left me to give me a chance to figure out where I want to be and who I want to be with. Now, I don't know where or who that is right now. Understand that, first off."

I _did_ understand. I nodded hesitantly.

"I drove here, waited for an hour and a half and just kissed you in front of a hospital where practically everybody in it knows who I am."

The reality of his words left me temporarily stunned.

"Now, I've made up my mind as to where I'd like to be tonight. I'm going to be in my apartment, relaxing with a scotch or two and maybe shove on a movie."

Another nod. I could barely do anything more.

"I only _know_ what I want right now, right this second. I've realised that if I have this time to 'figure things out', I'm going to have to do it day by day, making decisions as they come into my head."

I went to speak, but his finger came to rest lightly on top of them - they smelt of the leather of his steering wheel.

"So the decision I've made for today is to come here, pick you up, take you back to my apartment and… spend some time with you."

I couldn't have been more shocked if he'd thrown me over the nurses station and had sex with me right there and then. Just… spending time? No mention of sex? Just… actually being in each other's company?

I felt dizzy.

His hands grasped the top of my arms tightly - I felt his fingers slip across the bruises he had left from the last time he had done this, and felt a surge of emotion rush through my system. He seemed to see it in my eyes, loosening his grip slightly and leaning forward, his gaze completely and utterly focused on mine.

I finally found words.

"Just… time?"

_Crooked grin, crooked grin, crooked grin!_

"There's a first for everything. If I don't like it, I'll just jump your bones instead."

A smile flitted across my face. He raised an eyebrow, stepping away from me, turning his body to half-face the parking lot.

"It's your choice, Newbie. Are you coming, or staying?"

Two minutes later and I was sitting in the front-seat of his car, practically pooping myself from a mixture of fear and anticipation.


	26. Twins and Omelettes

_**As always, thank you to all of you for your epic reviews. As I've explained to a few of you after your reviews, I write these chapters with very little planning; I've written the final chapter now so that I know where I'm headed, but other than that I know absolutely NOTHING about what's going to happen in the following chapters until the end of them!**_

_**It's fun. XD**_

_**Okay, so, on to the next! As always, I don't own any of this shizzle other than the storyline.**_

**Chapter Twenty-Six - Omelette**

_**JD POV**_

The second we stepped into the apartment, my stomach exploded into a flurry of butterflies; this was the third time I'd actually been here because he wanted me to be and the thought of it felt pretty much completely _unreal_.

Dr. Cox walked straight into the kitchen and opened the fridge. "Have you eaten?"

I slowly shrugged off my rucksack and jacket, slipping off my shoes at the door whilst looking around nervously. "Errm… no. But I'm not really hungry right now."

He snorted as I wandered towards the kitchen, lingering awkwardly in the doorway. "Well you may not be but I haven't eaten since breakfast. Let's see… yep, got the doings here for a nice ol' omelette."

I stood and stared at him as he rummaged around, feeling as if I were in some weird, parallel world where Dr. Cox invited me to his apartment and then talked in casual terms about omelette's. It was weird. Really weird. I watched as he made his way around the kitchen, tipping oil into a pan and cracking eggs into a mixing bowl - yep, this had to be some crazy dream. It was too…

Normal?

He caught me staring at him a raised an eyebrow. "Changed your mind?"

Instant bewilderment. "I'm sorry? What?"

"About eating. I've got enough for two if you want some."

_I'm going to wake up in a minute and alllll of this would've been a dream._

"Errr…"

He paused, the mixing bowl stopping mid-air as he went to tip the mixture into the frying pan. "Speak now or forever hold your peace, Newbie. I'm not gonna make you one in an hour when you've changed your mind."

_Say something, for gods sakes!_ "Sure, I could eat." _No, not that. You're not hungry, for crying out loud!_

He gave a small nod. "You won't regret it." Deftly he cracked three more eggs into the bowl, whisking them up and tipping in a little more milk at the same time. I knew it was only an omelette, but in my head he was looking more and more like some sort of celebrity chef every second - "You like peppers, right? Though some ham, cheese and peppers'd taste good."

Okay, this had to stop. "You are _not_ Perry Cox."

A wry smile slipped onto his face. "Oh no? Then tell me, Betsy, who am I?"

"…his twin brother?"

Dr. Cox let out a tiny laugh, tipping the mix into the frying pan. A satisfying sizzle met my ears - okay, so I was starting to feel a _little_ hungry. "Does he have a name?"

I thought for a second. "Patrick?"

He nodded thoughtfully. "Well, I am Irish-American so that would sort of make sense. So what's his career - dentist?"

I grinned, leaning against the doorway. "Struggling artist."

"I like that. The struggling part. No brother of mine is gonna be more successful than me, no way, no how."

He tipped the pan back and forth, letting the omelette thicken. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. "He's gay, y'know."

The look he shot me was a mixture of amusement and derision. It felt familiar and, oddly, good. "Is that so?"

"Mmhmm. Makes what money he doesn't get from his paintings by dancing at a gay strip club. Takes home at _least_ one-thousand dollars a night in tips."

Throwing in some pre-chopped peppers and ham, he grinned my favourite grin. "I should think so, if we're identical. A body like this would get two-thousand, no problem."

"Sure it would," I teased, my eyes following his movements as he sprinkled a _lot_ of cheese over our omelette. _Our_. The sound of it in my head made me feel giddy. "All the men like to be ground up against by Patrick Cox."

Dr. Cox glanced up and met my eyes, the omelette sizzling alongside the tension that had suddenly sprouted between us. "All of them?"

I gulped slightly, his look overtly intense. "Well, um, not _all_ of them."

He kept his gaze on mine for a second - I waited for him to ask the question, ask me what guys didn't want to be seduced by his 'twin brother', but he simply turned to the omelette pan and slid the spatula underneath it. "Looks about done, wouldn't ya say?"

I walked over to stand slightly behind him, peeking in at the omelette and pretending to give a crap - I could smell him, warm and clean, a mixture of soap, deodorant and something that was inescapably _him_. That was pretty much the only thing I could really focus on at that given moment. "Yeah, sure. Looks good."

He turned slightly; I found myself breathless as he looked me up and down quickly before saying, tiny grin on his lips,

"Y'got that right."

My mind went into overdrive. _There MUST be some catch to all of this!!!_

Swiftly he slid the omelette out of the pan and onto a huge plate he'd set out before, opening up a drawer and taking out two forks. I looked from the plate to the number of forks.

"Are we… sharing?"

He picked up the plate and walked past me, into the next room and flopping down onto the couch. "That a problem?"

I hastened in after him, sitting lightly on the seat next to him. "No, no, not at all…"

"Good," he said abruptly, switching the TV on with his remote and starting to flick through. The scent of the omelette that sat on his lap wafted over and made my stomach grumble - he raised an eyebrow but kept his eyes on the screen. "Feel free to dig in, kid. It's not gonna eat itself."

I fought away the urge to dream of such a cannibalistic foodstuff and picked up a fork. Instantly I was concerned.

_Do I take it off of his lap or do I… I don't know, eat it seductively from where it is?! Is this some kind of test?!_

I didn't have a chance to find an answer; finally settling on something sports-related (_oh god, no, I don't have the ability to pretend I know what sport I'm watching right now!) _he used his fork to pull away a portion of omelette and lifted it easily to his lips. I found myself engrossed in the movement of his mouth, my own lips separating slightly as I watched him eat - he let me get away with it for a few seconds before turning an irate blue-grey gaze onto me. My eyes widened - I hated getting caught!

"Stop watching me and _eat_, Newbie. I didn't slave over a hot stove for it to go cold."

"Yes sir," I squeaked, using my left hand (dammit, I'm a righty!) to manoeuvre its way around the omelette, trying to decide which bit to eat first. He sighed irritably, separating a huge chunk with his fork and, without any warning, shoving it towards my mouth. I flinched backwards, dropping my own fork in the process - he stared at me as if trying to work out if I was messing around or if I actually _was_ this stupid.

He figured it out quickly enough. "Open your mouth in two seconds or I swear to god I'll force it open." I bent quickly to retrieve my fork but he shook his head, growling slightly. "Leave the fork and just _open your mouth!"_

I did as he asked - he slipped the food inside, extricating his fork and raising an eyebrow questioningly as I started to eat. I was all too aware that he was watching me - I cursed inwardly that a) I had watched him and b) that I hadn't just eaten at work… I chewed as quickly as I could before swallowing the hot eggs, peppers, ham and cheese -

I blinked in surprise. "It tastes _great!"_

Dr. Cox settled back onto the couch, nodding sharply. "Like I said before, Newbie. Dig in."

This time I didn't hesitate. I used my newly-retrieved fork to chow down with aplomb, relishing in the taste of it - when was the last time I had actually eaten and tasted something? Not in a week, at least… I ate with more ferocity, taking bigger and bigger chunks until when I next went to take a forkful I saw that the plate was empty. Dr. Cox was looking at me, an amused glitter in his eyes.

"Sooo you decided _nawt_ to let me have any?"

My eyes widened in horror. "Did I… I'm so sorry! Did I just eat all of that?!"

"Save about a sixth of it."

_Dammit! You couldn't even eat an omelette right!_ "Dr. Cox, I am _so_ sorry -"

He leant forward, putting the plate onto the glass table in front of us and shrugging. "It's no problem."

"But you said you hadn't eaten since br-"

"Zip it!"

I pressed my lips together.

"I told you to eat and, for once, you followed my exact orders. Pretty much," he added, clearly amused. "Also -"

He bought his arm so that it rested around the back of the couch. I felt my entire body start to hum from the almost-contact.

" - when you're in my apartment, you are… _permitted_… to call me by my name."

"Thank you, Percival."

Not so amused anymore. Whoops. "Don't push your luck, Newbie."

This gave me an idea. _Maybe I'll push it a LITTLE more…_

"Maybe… maybe if I'm allowed to call you Perry, you can call me by my name…?"

His face twisted into a scowl. "No."

"Please?"

"Never."

"Just for tonight?"

"Newbie, so help me god -"

I scooted closer to him - I waited, expecting him to get up and move away, to make a point of not wanting to get all close and whatnot but to my complete surprise he stayed exactly where he was - though the frown was still very much alive…

"I'll never ask _anything _of you again!"

A smile twitched on his lips. "Like I believe _that_."

I slumped against the back of the couch, disappointed. I let my eyes stare unseeingly at the TV as men ran about and leapt on each other. _Huh. Football sucks._ "Fine."

"You're in my apartment and I just cooked you dinner. Are you actually complaining?"

Shrugging, I let my fingers fiddle with themselves in my lap. "Maybe."

He sat up slightly, frown gone, replaced by the risen eyebrows - I realised just how much I made him do that. I wanted to laugh. A lot. "Well _maybe_ you want to leave now that I've fed you, _Newbie_?"

Instantly my attention was back onto him, horrified. "No, no, no, I'll be good, I promise!"

"I don't know, if you're not gonna be grateful for the scraps I give to you on occasion then maybe this little situation we've got going here won't work -"

"I won't say another word, I promise! I _promise_!" I pretended to zip my lips together - only to realise that I'd gone and promised something I did _not_ want to adhere to. What was this 'situation' he was talking about? I wanted to know more! I wanted him to tell me _exactly_ what he saw in 'us', from his own lips but now I couldn't!

_ARRGH!!!_

He looked at me thoughtfully for a while, before grinning and turning back to the television. He switched the channel over - _oh my god, Sanford and Son!!!_ My lips flew open - his finger placed itself over them. I looked at him, torn between wanting him to touch me more and wanting to quote alongside the actors. His eyes glittered with enjoyment - he knew _exactly_ what I was thinking and had completely and utterly done this on purpose. _How does he know me so well?!_

"Careful Hayley, don't want to break your promise, do you?"

_Aha! I had him!_ "I only have to stay silent if you call me by my name -"

His burning-ice gaze moved so quickly from the television to me that my breath caught in my throat. Time slowed as his lips parted, my entire body so heavy from the tension that I couldn't actually move - even if I'd wanted to.

I swear I saw him say it before I heard it. "JD."

It didn't matter that I didn't want to be quiet. I didn't really have a choice. Him saying my name in that deep, growly voice of his was enough for me to be completely unable to utter a _single_ word. He shifted forward until his lips were millimetres from mine, his skin so warm that I felt it from where I was sitting -

"And now, if you break your promise, I _will_ punish you."

I couldn't lie to myself. I liked the sound of that.

"If you _stick_ to your promise then I'll… reward you."

Oh! I liked that too…

"This is just for one night, you understand?"

I nodded, desperate to please - and when was he going to kiss me already?!

He grinned slightly, nodding. He moved back to sit where he had been before, lifting his feet up so that they rested on the glass table. "Atta boy."

Annoyed that I both had landed myself in this situation and that he _hadn't_ kissed me, I settled back myself to watch the show. I ended up compromising - sure, I couldn't speak the script aloud but I _could_ lip-sync them… I ended up doing it for the entire episode, even doing it for some of the commercials inbetween. Halfway through, Dr. Cox (Perry) shook his head, not even looking at me.

"I can't believe you're not a virgin."

My mouth gaped open. _What?!_

He shrugged, still not looking at me. "The fact that you know an entire episode off by heart? I gotta tell you Newbie, that's -"

"HA!" I exploded, pointing my finger in his face in glee. "You _lose_!"

He folded his arms across his chest, meeting my gaze. "It doesn't count, I've already used your name once."

I pouted. "It does _so_ count. Don't try and back out of it, Perry, you know I'm right." I was using my smug tone, and I _liked_ it - particularly because I knew he didn't. He pursed his lips, arms still folded.

"So how're we gonna sort this out? I think I'm right… so technically I need to punish you… but you think _you're_ right, so…"

I decided to push my luck again. "Maybe I can have both?"

"What's that now?"

"I could get a reward… _and_ a punishment."

He didn't even try and suppress the smile that flickered onto his lips. "You're asking for a lot tonight."

My fists clenched into light fists. "Sorry."

Slowly, hesitantly, he reached over. His hand paused over mine for a few seconds, waiting for what felt like years before he connected the two together, gently pulling my curled fingers until they lay flat against his, out of their fists. "I didn't say I minded."

My stomach exploded into butterflies.

"And it's fine. You're allowed to ask for things," he added, letting his eyes drift upwards to meet mine. "I may not agree or want what you want, but I'm…" He struggled for a few moments - the sight of him wrestling with himself to find the right words made me want to kiss him there and then. "I'm willing to try harder to be what you want me to be."

I couldn't help it - I leant forward, brushing my lips lightly over his own - he stiffened slightly but as I started to kiss him with a gentle but fervent passion he seemed to melt into it, shifting a little so that he could kiss me back properly… but I stopped it. I pulled away, shutting my eyes and resting my forehead against his.

"Don't… don't do that."

I felt his brow wrinkle in confusion. "Do what?"

I shook my head slightly. "Don't change who you are and _how_ you are just because you think it's what _I_ want. I fell in love with an asshole, not a saint."

It was impossible to not sense how uncomfortable this made him. I knew instantly why.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it like that -"

"You're only saying it like it is," he cut in. His hand reached up, hesitating before cupping my face in his palm. "I know you're… I know you feel that way."

I smiled slightly, pulling my head away from his and raising my own hand, resting it on top of his. "If you know it, why can't you say it?"

At this, he gently let go of me and sat back, leaning back against the couch and covering his face with his hands. "I'm still getting used to it, JD."

Little fireworks fizzled within my stomach. I grinned. He didn't miss it.

"What now, Kayleigh?"

I couldn't stop grinning. "You called me JD."

Dr. Cox smirked. "I bet you're dancing for joy on the inside right now, huh?"

_He had NO idea._

"So," he continued, turning his attention back to the television set. "You wanna carry on watching TV or skip straight to your punishment?"

Electricity sizzled through me - I didn't know what this punishment would be, but my god I wanted to find out! "I ummm… I don't mind." As he flicked through the channels I noticed one of my all-time favourite films just starting. I sat forward, pointing at the screen. "Oh my god, Finding Nemo!"

The look he shot me was so full of derision that it made me squirm. "I'm gonna bypass the girl joke and cut straight to the chase - we'll be watching this film then?"

I leant back, crossing my legs and trying to look as casual as possible. "I don't mind, Perry, it's up to you."

He crossed his ankles together and turned up the volume. "If I don't let you watch it you'll just sulk, so…"

**X X X X X**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

It was halfway through the film when I realised what he was trying to do. I sat there, dealing with the utter crappiness of it for the sake of stopping him from being a whiny girl for the rest of the night, not really paying attention to him - until I felt his shoulder brush up against mine. I shot a look sideways and there he was, just leaning to the side, looking ridiculous(ly uncomfortable) as he blatantly tried to snuggle up to me and put his head on my shoulder.

I narrowed my eyes. So _that_ was why he kept shifting - he wasn't just being a pain in the ass, he was actually trying to _achieve_ something… the impossible. I sighed - he looked up meekly from where he leant, his eyes instantly defeated once he realised that I'd worked out what he was doing.

He pulled himself back up again, staring at the screen with the tiniest, stupidest pout I'd ever seen. "Sorry."

For a few minutes I stared at him, watching as he became enthralled by the pretty, colourful moving pictures again… I sighed inwardly as I made up my mind.

Almost violently I reached out and pulled his scrubs until his head hit my shoulder - he made a small noise, struggling against my grip; I let go, casually draping my arm across the back of the couch. He stared at up me, confused. "But I thought -"

"Stay still and be quiet."

Newbie instantly clammed up, freezing in his position - after a while I felt his body start to shake, clearly uncomfortable. I growled low in my throat, half-irritated and half-endeared as I refused to look at him, instead directing my words at the television screen.

"Get yourself comfortable, for crying out loud. I'm not going to bite your head off just for shifting around a bit."

He mumbled something that definitely had the word 'violence' in before lifting his head up. Tentatively, with all the caution of a gazelle trying to avoid being caught by a lion, he shifted his body slightly closer to mine, bringing his legs up onto the couch and moving his arms so that one was curled inwards to his body and the other was sort of pressed up against my side; he brought his head back down, resting his cheek on my shoulder and fitting himself in the gap between my head and neck.

For a few moments, all I could focus on were his scent, his warmth and his complete and utter contentment. As much as I hated to feel empathy, it was practically radiating from the kid like a light bulb - there was no denying it. As we sat, staring at the television screen (knowing that neither one of us was focusing on the movie) I felt his gentle satisfaction slowly creep into my own body, relaxing me to the point where I started to feel that I could sleep right there, right then…

"This is my favourite part!" he babbled suddenly, body tensing a little from whatever he was seeing on the screen - I glanced at it, seeing a group of fish huddled around what looked like a mountain wearing stupid headbands and supposedly initiating the smallest fish of them all… I rolled my eyes - what the hell was this crap we were watching? I knew that Jack liked this film but I'd never paid any attention to it when watching it before. I looked back down at Newbie, watching the tiny smile that appeared on his face which started to grow as the scene went on, a little laugh escaping him at one point - a similar warmth to his contentment flooded through me, without any warning, but… I didn't know how to explain it in my head. Though it was so thick and flowing it made me feel so light, so at ease…

I knew I was defenceless against it as my arm, of its own accord, slid down the back of the couch to settle around his shoulders.

His entire body froze - for seconds that lasted longer than days we sat as still as statues, him waiting for me to change my mind and me waiting for him to ask me, yet again, who I was.

_I_ didn't even know anymore.

Bit by bit, second by second, his body relaxed into mine until I was pretty sure that we might as well have melded into one single form.

Only slightly irritated, I acknowledged that I wouldn't mind it so much.


	27. Balls

_**H-okay guys, I apologise for the lack of update and also apologise for the shortness of this chapter. It's been a rough couple of weeks so do forgive me. I hope you enjoy this chapter anyways.**_

**Chapter Twenty-Seven - Balls**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

_Oh hell._

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that something very heavy was sprawled out across me, breathing heavily and quite blatantly fast asleep. The second thing was the realisation that I, too, had fallen asleep and for whatever reason had managed to sleep for at least five hours on a couch that was, admittedly, pretty damned uncomfortable.

The third thing I noticed was how light it was.

I shifted uncomfortably, twisting my wrist from underneath Newbie's head so that I could see the time. I frowned - _7:21am?!_ - and shifted a little more. Dammit, he was a lot heavier in sleep than he was injured after falling off of a horse…

His eyes cracked open slightly. "Few more _muhs_."

If he hadn't been practically on top of me I would've crossed my arms. "What's that, Barbara?"

He scrunched up his eyes. "Few more!"

Uncaringly and, yes, forcefully, I used what force I had to shove him off of me. He fell off of me and the couch with a loud 'thump' and illicited a beautifully frustrated moan from him - I grinned. I was relieved to see that him being unhappy and uncomfortable still pleased me. "Fluent English is required for me to give a crap - want to try that one more time?"

Sleepily and with blatant frustration he pushed himself up so that he was sitting upright, eyes narrowing as they looked up at me. "I _said_ that I wanted a few more minutes."

"And _I_ didn't expect to wake up and find myself on the couch in my apartment with a pain in the ass apparently trying to climb up and over me. Whatcha gonna do?"

Newbie let himself flop onto the couch, apparently grumpy first thing in the morning. "What time is it?"

"About half seven."

"_Half seven?"_ he moaned into the couch cushion. "I don't even know what half seven _looks_ like!"

At that I forced myself into a standing position - groaning inwardly at how stiff my joints now felt - and looked down derisively at him. "You're _apparently _a doctor. You know what _all_ hours of the day look like."

He slowly moved until he was on his knees - I smirked down at him as he glared up at me, amused by where his head was now situated. "Oh, I wondered where the inner-asshole had gone."

The smirk deepened. "I can show you, if you want."

The colour that flushed through his cheeks was a beautiful sight; I was quickly coming to learn that the mixture of embarrassment and arousal was one of my favourite hues that could alight upon his skin - as much as it pained me to admit that I even had a favourite, or that I even _noticed_. I turned away from him, picking up the plate from the night before and taking it leisurely into the kitchen. The sound of him grumpily muttering to himself as I stuck it in the dishwasher made me grin again, though I couldn't fail to notice the slight unease that was starting to settle in around me.

It wasn't that he was simply _here_ as such. I had invited him, after all, and it had been me that had initiated practically every affection-induced moment the night before so I couldn't exactly feel odd towards him because of it. Sure, I was an ass, but I could be a fair one when it came down to it.

No… in the end I knew it was because he had stayed the night and was still here _the morning after_ that really bugged me. Worse, that we hadn't even had sex or anything. He was here after a night of… cuddling.

I frowned, instantly turning back to face the living room. "Best get moving, Newbie."

His dark, dishevelled head popped up to find the source of the voice. When he found it, he instantly seemed to tense. "You want me to leave?"

"It would seem so."

Without even hesitating, he stood up off of the couch and stumbled his way to the front door, hastily shoving on his sneakers and running his hands through the insane bundle of fluff that his hair had become over night. I watched him as he twisted and turned, looking for his rucksack, eyes flickering repeatedly over to me as if waiting for me to herd him out of the door. I folded my arms and leant against the doorframe, judging myself for letting him even stay in the first place. For even letting him come _over_.

He pulled open the door and flicked his hand in my direction in the most half-hearted wave I'd ever seen. "Uh, thanks for the omelette Dr. Cox."

Within two seconds he was out of the door and out of my apartment. The door closed quietly behind him.

I stared at the space he had left, wondering how, within less than twenty-four hours, I had probably made his night and ruined his morning.

Sighing, I wandered out and into the middle of the once-again-too-big apartment.

**X X X X X**

"If you're going to open yourself up to him, you have to do it _right_."

Carla's voice was unnecessarily sarcastic on the end of the phone; I rolled my eyes violently and leant my elbows on my knees. "You know how I feel about people staying overnight, I can… _could_ barely stand it when Jordan did it, let alone someone else."

I could practically hear her drumming her fingernails impatiently on the sideboard. "I can't believe you just said that about your own wife."

"Ex-wife."

"Unnecessary details," she said carelessly. "The point is, she was living with you and you eventually got used to it, right? Because you loved her?"

_Love_ her. Not love_d_. "What's your point?"

"Maybe you should… ask JD to move in with you for a little while."

I snorted. "I sure as hell hope to _GOD_ that you're joking."

"Do I _sound_ like I'm joking?"

"Do I _sound_ like someone who is even remotely interested in waking up with a fluff ball every morning?"

The amusement in her voice was clear. It annoyed me. "You ruined it by calling him a fluff ball. Ruined it _completely_."

"Whatever," I replied curtly, not returning the amusement. "Look, the only reason you're suggesting he moves in with me is because you're sick of him."

"No, the only reason I'm suggesting it is because you upset him this morning and he's sulking like a child."

"Sooo… because you're sick of him."

I heard the click of a kettle. "Okay, a little bit. I know I'm asking for a lot Dr. Cox, but Turk and I could really do with the space and I know it would _really_ make JD _so_ happy."

Did she seriously not get that there was no way in hell I'd ever agree to something like this? "Carla, as much as I hate to admit this I… I _do_ want to make it up to Newbie. I do. I'm probably going to need to wash my mouth out now from even _thinking_ about saying those words -"

"Get to the point."

I sighed. "My point is, yes, I want to make it up to him but no, I'm not prepared to ask him to move in with me for a few days or weeks or months or _however_ long it takes for me to decide what I want. I'm afraid it's a definite no from this end and I suggest you come up with another idea."

The temporary silence was ominous. "…how about a social gathering of some kind?"

_Hell no. _"By social gathering would this… _could_ this be interpreted as a… date?"

The tiny intake of breath from her end gave her away, despite her hastily delivered lie. "No, no, of course not! Just you and me, him and Turk, Elliot and Shaun -"

I clenched my first slightly. "What you're effectively proposing here is a triple date, Carla."

"No, of course no-"

"Juuuust because you put your name next to mine and his next to his mistress's doesn't mean I can't see straight through it, h-okay?"

The pout in her voice was clear as day. "Fine. But come on, give me one good reason why it's not a good idea."

"I can list you several _thousand_ if you like?"

"Just one will do."

I sought through my head, picking one at random. "I _hate_ pointless gatherings that consist of only eating food that you could have quite easily cooked at home for much less the price."

"I can understand that," she conceded. "Throw me another."

"Anything that includes me having to talk to Barbie, Dolphin Guy or Ghandi is not my idea of a fun night out."

"Aaaand one more?"

It had to be a good one. "I hate public displays of affection."

Her next words send a thrill of foreboding down my spine.

"Then I know _exactly_ where we can go."

**X X X X X**

Walking into the bowling alley I felt as if I'd walked back into my teenage years. The place was packed with teenagers, screeching and throwing themselves at each other when they managed to throw a ball hard enough to knock down a couple of pins - it made me cringe inside.

The urge to cringe outwardly increased as soon as I saw the group I was forced to hang out with that evening, sitting opposite a lane, chattering excitedly - Dolphin Guy had his arms around Barbie, her face positively breaking from the massive smile on her face as she spoke animatedly; Carla was standing behind Ghandi who was sitting at the base, waiting to put in our names and start the game… and there was Newbie. He was standing slightly to one side, grinning at whatever Barbie was nattering on about - there was something to the grin that alerted me to the fact that he had _no_ idea I was coming. He was too at ease, too relaxed, too involved in the conversation.

I knew that if he had known I was coming, he'd have known I was here before I'd even started walking towards them. I couldn't lie - that sort of knowledge gave my ego and nice fat boost.

Not that it needed it.

I walked towards them, reluctant. Newbie was leaning down to re-do the laces of his bowling shoes, blatantly unaware of my presense - Barbie noticed me first, her eyes widening in surprise. Did Carla not tell any of them that I was coming? I rolled my eyes, side-stepping a child that had darted out of nowhere and coming to a stop a few metres away from them.

Carla looked up, eyes glittering. "Dr. Cox! You made it!"

The speed in which Newbie straightened up was comical; I watched with a smirk as he outstretched his arms in an attempt to balance himself, leaving one of his laces untied. His eyes were as wide as they surely could go, body tensing - it took all of five seconds for him to analyse my presence, look down at himself and look back up to meet my eyes, clearly uncomfortable.

Barbie nudged him with her foot. "Aren't you going to say hello?"

His jaw dropped slightly. "I'm sorry I look bad."

I raised an eyebrow. He was wearing loose-fit denim trousers with a light-blue long-sleeved shirt underneath a dark blue one, his hair mussed up but not gelled. "Nice to see you too, Belinda."

His hands grasped at the sleeves of his top. "Oh. Yeah. Hi."

I rolled my eyes, walking closer to the group and sitting down on one of the plastic benches, shucking off my shoes and putting on the ones provided by the bowling alley. "Let's just get started, shall we?"

Carla flashed a warning look at me - it clearly said 'play nice'. I frowned at her - she had practically forced me to come here, I was hardly in the mood to be nice and friendly. I was _rarely_ in the mood to be nice and friendly to anyone, let alone a group of people I tried to avoid outside of the hospital as much as humanely possible. I finished tying the laces on my shoes as she straightened up and spoke.

"We've just ordered drinks to be brought down - I ordered you a beer, is that okay?"

I nodded shortly, focusing my eyes on the television screen suspended above us. Ghandi was putting in names.

**M o l e B u t t**

**S h a u n**

**C a r l a**

**C h o c o l a t e B e a r**

**V a n i l l a B e a r**

**C o x**

I scowled. "I'm last?"

He shrugged. "You got here last."

Clearly he wanted me to be here as much as I did - I nodded again, watching as Barbie wandered over to the rack of bowling balls and hesitated over which one. She looked over at us pleadingly. "Which one is the lightest? They're different to when I was last here!"

I sighed, standing up and wandering over. Instantly I figured it out. "Go for the purple one. It's not the lightest but the little bit of extra weight behind it will make it more likely to knock some pins down."

She looked at me in surprise as I walked back over to sit down. "Oh! Err, well, thanks Dr. Cox!"

I didn't bother to reply. The drinks had just come over and I took my beer gladly, swigging at it and placing it on the little table at my side - oh, sweet relief. A double scotch would've been better but what can you do? I watched disinterestedly as Barbie threw the ball down the lane, rolling slowly towards the pins where it managed to knock down four. She turned, smile lighting up her face as her score updated on the screen. "Oh my god, I actually hit some!"

"When we were dating she couldn't even hit _one_," Newbie teased, moving out of the way as she darted towards him and playfully batted at his head.

"Enjoy your victory whilst it lasts," Ghandi said in an ominous tone from his seat. "'Cos you're going downtown."

"Keep up that fighting talk and you'll be crying all the way home when I _whoop_ your ass!"

"Yeah right, Bambi," Carla responded, ruffling his hair. "You know Turk beats everybody, it's tradition."

He shrugged. "Traditions can be replaced."

Ghandi was full of his usual cocky attitude as he replied, "Bring it on, player!"

I rolled my eyes for what felt like the millionth time that day - did I have to put up with this crap all night? Bantering and teasing and touchy-feely idiocies that made me feel uncomfortable just watching? I glanced over at Newbie again who seemed to be studiously avoiding looking at me; did I really make him _that_ nervous? I continued to watch him take sips of his Coke as the rest of them bowled (Carla getting an impressive strike and Ghandi half-torn between pride and concern - 'Beginners luck, people, beginners luck!'), my eyes staying focused on him even as he got up to bowl. He picked a dark green ball - _too heavy_, I mused - and watched as he carefully threw it down the lane, knocking down seven pins as it reached the end.

Not content with this, he picked out a different ball, a light blue one this time - _too light_ - and threw it down there for his second go. He hit one of them, a hiss leaving his body in disappointment as he walked back over to the group. His eyes met mine momentarily before quickly darting away - I smirked as I stood up and brushed past him to pick up my own ball. I walked casually and confidently down to reach the lane's edge, moving my arm back and then arching it forwards and letting go.

I watched with light satisfaction as all of the pins fell.

"That was _awesome!_" Barbie said in hushed tones from behind me. "I mean, I know you got a strike too, Turk, but there's no way you could look as cool doing it as he just did."

Ghandi's eyes narrowed. "Oh yeah? Well, we'll see about that afterwards, won't we, Mole Butt?"

I picked up my beer and swigged at it again - I felt a light nudge at my side, looking down to meet Carla's warning gaze yet again. She jerked her head slightly in the direction of Newbie (on the edge of the group and looking more and more miserable by the second), making a tiny noise at the same time. I thought about rolling my eyes again… but instead just made my way over to his side, not looking at him as I said offhandedly,

"You all right there, Newbie?"

He jumped slightly, clearly in his own world and therefore not noticed me. "Uh, yeah, I'm cool. You?"

I couldn't suppress the eye-roll. I could tell there would be many more that evening. I was tempted to tell him exactly what I thought - that I was wasting a good scotch-fuelled evening of finding something worth watching on the TV, by spending time with them at a place I had never found particularly entertaining… but something in my stopped me. "I'm swell."

"Glad to hear it," he mumbled, taking apparently desperate sips of his Coke in an attempt to not seem so damned awkward. "I err… I didn't know you were coming."

I shrugged. "What difference does it make?"

He looked at me momentarily. "I would've made an effort to look a bit nicer for one."

I turned a little towards him, looking at him again, taking in what he was wearing and his general appearance. He carried on speaking in a rush.

"I didn't get to gel my hair and I didn't realise everyone else was getting dressed up."

They were hardly _dressed up_ - Ghandi was just as casual as Newbie, women always made an effort, Dolphin Guy seemed to be the type to always wear shirts and I… well, I didn't have any clean t-shirts. I had to wear a proper shirt. "I see."

"So… yeah. If I'd have known you were coming I would've made myself look a bit nicer -"

_God, it was like listening to a girl._

"- you look great, by the way. Not that you don't usually. Not that it matters. It's not like this is a date or anything, despite the fact that there are two couples here and then us, but then again -"

Dolphin Guy interrupted us. "JD, you're up."

He went to step away, looking somewhat relieved - I lightly grasped the back of his t-shirt with my hand to pause him. He stopped, looking around nervously.

"Use the dark blue ball. Throw it like you did with the last one and you'll get a strike."

I watched him again as he nodded and stumbled his way over to the balls, selecting the dark blue one I'd recommended and shifting over to the edge of the lane - he threw it, watching as it rocketed down the lane… and knocked down all ten pins.

"YES!" He cried, whirling around and doing a tiny little victory dance; Ghandi looked as if he were sucking on lemons as Carla clapped beside him, Barbie and Dolphin congratulating him as his smile got wider and wider. I couldn't help myself - I grinned as he practically danced his way over, taking a large victory sip of his Coke. I stepped forward, grin remaining as I brushed past him again.

Just as I passed him I muttered, begrudgingly,

"You look nice, Newbie. Your hair… you look nice."

**X X X X X**

_**JD POV**_

I literally couldn't believe how much things picked up from there. After my swooping lack of self-confidence that attacked me without warning as soon as Dr. Cox had revealed himself to be, well, _here,_ as well as being some sort of bowling King, I was sure I was going to be faced with an excruciating evening where he completely ignored me and acted as if I didn't exist but… he didn't.

After he came over to speak to me, recommended a different ball and - I couldn't stop grinning each time I remembered - his compliment, the night got better. A lot better. Dr. Cox, though not quite becoming part of the 'group' made more of an effort, joining in with our conversations occasionally and even paying for a round of drinks for everyone. He bowled nothing but strikes the entire time, putting Turk's nose out of joint (he got two spares and therefore came second) and rather than making me feel inadequate, just made me feel insanely proud to know that the man I loved was so freaking _awesome._

When I managed to scrape in fifth place (it turned out that Shaun was pretty good at fourth place, Carla better at third and Elliot… well, Elliot kind of sucked still at sixth) I turned to him to make a joke about being bad at all sports but, to my intense surprise, he winked at me and raised his beer to me.

"Here's to winning being more important than taking part - unless you're Newbie, o'course."

We all rose our drinks in the air, a massive smile on my face as his eyes continued to rest upon me the entire time I finished off my Coke - even when I tore my eyes away from him and turned my attention elsewhere, even when he turned to talk to Carla I was still outrageously aware of the heat of his gaze on my skin… it sent shivers all over me.

All together in a big group, Turk's arm around Carla, Shaun holding Elliot's hand and Dr. Cox walking beside me (not too close, of course) we left the building and turned to each other to say our goodbyes. I kissed Elliot on the cheek, shook Shaun's hand and then turned to Dr. Cox. His eyes met mine, leaving me unsure that I would be able to form a coherent sentence.

"So, umm… well done for winning!"

He nodded, amusement glittering slightly in his eyes as he folded his arms across his chest. I forced myself to talk more, hating the two couples for watching so intently.

"It was really… yeah. It was nice of you to… mm."

I didn't miss both his and Carla's eye-roll. She tilted her head in the direction of the car. "C'mon Bambi, you've got work in the morning."

I nodded, determined to do this right - I extended my hand out to him, forcing my eyes to meet his as I said as smoothly as I could,

"Have a good night, Dr. Cox."

His eyes shot rays of heat through me - his eyes changed instantly, taking on that haze I recognised as pure, raw desire. I felt my heart start to pound as he stepped forward slightly, directing his words elsewhere but keeping his gaze fixed on mine. "I'll drive him back, Carla. There's more room in my car anyway."

Her snort was embarrassingly audible. "Sure there is. I'll see you back home then, Bambi - unless you want to come back with us now?"

I looked from her to Dr. Cox - the way he was looking at me was making me tremble inside. "I… err…"

He stepped even closer, his words falling out in a harsh whisper. "Come… with me."

The double-entendre to the words made my mouth go dry. "Umm -"

There was no mistaking what he was really asking. "I want you to come with me. Like I said yesterday… these offers don't come very often. So come. With me."

**X X X X X**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

The second we were inside of my apartment, I kicked the door closed and slammed him up against it.

"Now… I still owe you a punishment."


	28. Punishment

_**Oooooooooooonwards! Sorry for the delay, lots of other things going on but the point is… well, MUBH still lives. I think we're all grateful. XD**_

**Chapter Twenty-Eight - Punishment**

_**Dr Cox POV**_

I slammed my lips against his before he had a chance to say a word, grasping his collar in my fists and pulling him as close to me as he could possibly get. I felt the usual thrill of satisfaction as he groaned into the kiss, his lips responding to mine, tongue running against my bottom lip, begging for entry - I gladly allowed it, separating my lips and slipping my tongue upwards to meet his. I felt the urge of his desire pushing against my own hard-on, spurring me to shove him against the door once again and rapidly moving my left hand down until it was trapped between our two bodies, pressing it mercilessly against his erection - another groan vibrated against our kiss, his hips shifting forward and pushing my hand even harder against him.

The heat was already unbearable. I had wanted him before this, more times now than I cared to count but this time felt like a pyre compared to all the others. I knew, really, that it was simply because I wasn't pulling him into a supply closet for a five-minute-fondle or having a frenzied feel-around before hastily going about our duties - but it still overwhelmed me. Usually I'd fight against that sort of feeling, force myself to be stoic and in control but there was just… something about him. The way his hands had started to fumble at the buttons on my shirt, his lips feverishly moving over mine, the heat of his breath mixed with the shake of his limbs - it was like a drug.

He was halfway down undoing the buttons when he paused, breaking the kiss and looking into my eyes for a moment. "Is this my punishment then? You're going to make me want you to death?"

I laughed - it was deep and throaty, almost strained with my hunger for him. "You think it's hard now?" His eyes flashed yearningly at the double-entendre. "You have no idea, Newbie. No. Damned. Idea." The last word came out as a rumble, my hands so quickly grabbing the hem of his top and pulling it off that I was able to catch the heat pooling to his cheeks just in time - and there was me thinking I couldn't get even more aroused. It was just that colour, the colour contrasting so… so _beautifully_ against the blue of his eyes -

Soon my own shirt was off, his palms instantly lying flat against my chest, so hard that seemed as if he was trying to push them in and through to my goddamned heart… a flurry of thoughts crushed through my skull and into my mind, the tiniest of voices reminding me that he was already in there. I waited for the usual spiral down from lust that I usually experienced when acknowledging that there were 'real' feelings involved but… no. No. Instead I felt my heart slam even harder against me, filling me with an unfamiliar and almost uncomfortable urge to say the words I knew he wanted to hear - words that, before this moment, were usually forced out of me by his own vulnerability. Not this time. I knew, painfully and frustratingly, that it was my own vulnerability that led me to want to tell Newbie that I loved him.

I had slowed in my pace. Newbie's hands lightened slightly against skin, concern and something close to fear flitting across his eyes - I shook my head, shoving my fingers through his dark hair and pulling his head so that it was pressed hard against my own.

"Under no circumstances are you to hesitate," I whispered raggedly, my words somehow making his own breathing stutter and increase. "You understand me?" He nodded dumbly, barely pausing before feverishly pressing his lips onto mine again. I grinned through the kiss, letting go of his head and instead grasping onto his hips, both pulling him into me and moving him away from the door. I wanted to take this to the bedroom and I'd be damned if I didn't do it within the next minute.

He didn't resist; he knew what I was doing and knew where we would end up - he continued to kiss me, keeping our lips fused together as we stumbled our way across the room, bumping into the couch, knocking over a lamp, grazing thighs against surfaces that somehow seemed to leap in our way in an attempt to keep us from getting to where I was intent on being… I felt a fiery sense of satisfaction erupt through me as he kicked open the door and fell through it with me in tow, his nails dragging lightly down the skin of my back just as we fell onto the cool sheets of my bed.

I pinned him down, digging my own nails lightly into his shoulders as he looked up at me with that haze in his eyes that I knew would be reflected in my own - I grinned momentarily down at him before darting down and running my tongue along the crevice between his shoulder and neck, loving every second of our little game. It was a game so similar to all of the others, only this time we had both acknowledged how we felt. This time I was aware just how he felt for me and how strong those feelings were - regardless of how I acted, I knew. He, too, had heard the words from me that were once unutterable to anyone other than -

"I love you," I breathed heatedly against his skin, giving in to the urge, finding a tender part of his skin and biting it hard, perhaps harder than I should have done. A low groan crawled its way from between his lips. "God_dammit_, I love you."

His hands skated up my back and down again, coming to rest upon my hips, pulling me down and onto his own denim-clad erection - but there was something else to the action. Instantly I felt his need to be closer to me, as close as he could possibly be, the action speaking louder than words, words I knew he felt he had spoken too often. For all I knew he probably thought he'd never hear them from my lips again.

For the first time since we had started being whatever the hell we were to each other before the truth came streaking out, Newbie's hands went to undo my flies before I went to his - another action that spoke louder than words. His need for me that evening was now beyond that of just sex, he needed to prove to me that my words and feelings meant something beyond screaming each other's name - and I sure as hell wasn't going to convince him otherwise. I pushed my lips roughly against his, encouraging him, practically _asking _him to carry on even though technically my raging erection gave that away without needing to let him know.

Within seconds he had yanked my pants _and_ boxers down to my knees - I forced myself off of him enough to extricate myself from them, having a millisecond to gather what balance I could before Newbie reached up and practically threw me onto my back - I found myself incapable of doing anything other than watch the sheer look of reverence on his face as he gazed down at me, his own eyes never leaving my own body as he slowly started to unbutton his trousers. There was something - dare I say it - _sexy_ about the way it seemed almost absent-minded, the movement of his fingers over the zipper. He seemed barely aware of it, focused only on me, naked and achingly aroused in front of him.

"Wherever you are right now, kid, take me with you."

I didn't need to tell him twice. He shucked off his pants and boxers before lowering himself carefully until his body was flush against mine, erection gliding smoothly against my own as he rested his forearms either side of my head. I could feel the heightened speed of his breathing against my lips, feel the heat of his body seeping through my own skin - it hit me in a wave just how much of an effect he had on me, unavoidable and addictive in ways I didn't know even existed. Yes, sex with Jordan was satisfying, fun and more than a little out-of-the-ordinary but it was impossible to compare sex with one and sex with the other - it was a completely different experience. Sex with Newbie… sex with _JD_…

I shuddered, a mixture of pleasure and pain.

Slowly he began to shift himself so that our erections rubbed harder against each other - I could feel his arms shake slightly at the exertion, could see the muscles in his slender arms tightening as he sought to be careful not to give too much or too little. Before the thought could process properly in my head, I knocked his arms out from underneath him and caught him instantly, my hands wrapping themselves around his upper arms and slowly lowering him back onto me. I lifted my head slightly to capture his lips with my own, more an action of want than one of dominance; he let himself rest his weight fully on me - I found that, despite him being heavier than Jordan, he somehow felt lighter, less suffocating. Was it the lack of breasts? The lack of hair? The sheer femininity that he somehow radiated, stronger than hers?

I didn't know. I didn't care. I wrapped my arms around him, crushing him against me as I bucked my hips upwards and caught his erection against mine - he moaned, his tongue slipping out and against mine. I let a growl escape at his reaction, knowing that if I wasn't inside him soon that I would come simply from the sounds he was making.

Sitting up and flipping him over, quick enough that he had barely any time to react, I decided that it was time to continue with the 'punishment'. To be honest, I hadn't thought it through - all I really wanted was to make him beg for release, make him scream and cry and become a wreck in front of me before I let him come but now… now that seemed all wrong. Before I was just turned on and feeling the frenzied rush of dominance and desire but within the amount of time since we'd left the bowling alley to this point in time my entire outlook on this evening had changed.

That didn't mean I still wasn't aroused as all hell though.

"I'm going to fuck you," I growled, watching as his eyes darkened with want. "And you're going to like it."

I leant down and slid my tongue along his jaw, tasting the deep saltiness of the lightest sheen of sweat that had started to cover his skin - I loved the taste of anticipation, it was a huge turn-on for me. He moaned again, arching his hips up to me, the tiniest of whispers escaping as he did so -

"I'm going to _love_ it."

No more thoughts now. I leant over and violently tore open the drawer next to the bed, taking out a condom and some lubrication - I wanted it to be as painless for him this time as possible, knowing that if I had to hear him whimper as much as the last time I would give up… not an option. I wanted him, he wanted me, end of story. As I leant back I saw him shifting to move onto his stomach - I stopped him, shaking my head slightly and shifting myself off of the bed until I was standing, looking down on his body below me. Part of me was still waiting for reality to hit, where I would punch him, hard, throw him out of my apartment and make it very clear that I never wanted to see him again.

Apparently it was still delayed. I half-grinned.

Gently but firmly, I secured my grip on his legs and shifted him down the bed a little, until his butt cheeks were about halfway off - he looked at me in confusion, his teeth nipping lightly on his lower lip.

"This way you get to look at me," I answered his unasked question, my eyes boring into his and saying what I wouldn't say aloud - that I, too, would be able to look into his eyes as he came, something that I had quickly discovered made the climax even more intense. The smile that alighted upon his face was enough to make me want to tell him I loved him again which, in itself, stressed me out - to distract myself and to ensure that I wouldn't say it again that evening, I flipped open the little tube of KY and squeezed out a considerable amount onto my fingers. I watched as he spread his legs slowly, tentatively - "Don't forget what I said, no hesitation" - before gradually moving my fingers up to the rim of him, feeling him tense as I touched him. I grimaced, knowing it was a natural reaction for him but hating that I was making him on edge.

As carefully as I could, I pushed my middle finger into him, forcing myself to ignore how much he tightened at the action and reminding myself that it was all part of it, something that couldn't be helped. Slower than I would have liked I slipped it in further, up to the first knuckle, then the second - eventually my entire finger was within him, the heat of him making my ball tighten and threaten to overload before we'd even started… how did he have that effect on me? How could one person, one person I had once (and sometimes still) considered the most frustrating person on the planet make me want to come just from _me_ touching _him_? A low rumble emitted audibly from my throat, eyes completely fixed on how he was reacting. As before, he looked incredibly uncomfortable but I couldn't be a hypocrite, I had to work alongside my own choices after insisting that he did the same - no hesitation. As tenderly as I could manage I shifted my index finger until it was poised at his entrance, stretching him as I pushed the tip of it inside with the other - a tiny noise from him confirmed that it was no more enjoyable than it had been the first time, making my body react involuntarily as my left hand shot out to meet his midair, entwining our fingers.

I didn't need to speak to reassure him - that action alone was intimate enough that he would know what I was thinking. Or I hoped as much.

I shifted the fingers inside of him, moving them little by little, waiting until he took a sharp intake of breath as I hit his g-spot - I grinned crookedly at his reaction, doing it again, watching as he tilted his head back and exposed the pale, delicate skin of his throat. I wanted to taste it, run the tip of my tongue over it and feel the vibrations of his moans as I did so but I had to do this, had to get it all started before it ended. For a few minutes I used two fingers but, knowing I had to prepare him for what was to come, added a third - more whimpers, more noises of discomfort and probably pain, but there was no way I could stop now, I had to have him. Slowly I extracted my fingers from within him, picking up the condom I had thrown onto the sheets and ripping it open, leaving the wrapper to drop to the floor as I slid it down onto my rock-hard penis, hissing slightly at the tight fit and the feel of my hand casting over it lightly.

I shifted forward, bending my knees slightly and positioning myself between his legs, poised over his entrance. Squeezing some more lubricant into the palm of my hand I gently rubbed it into the length of me, hissing again at the contact - I had to be careful. If I was this close to coming already it would be hard-going to last longer than a few minutes.

My hand squeezed his, a non-verbal ask for permission - he squeezed back, perhaps a little harder than I had his but an acquiescence none the less.

I pushed against him, against what felt like a completely impenetrable barrier - I whispered for him to relax, to try and relax, to touch himself whilst I slipped inside him - my eyes flew to meet his to make sure he was all right, concern overweighing my desire to just thrust myself in and deal with the consequences later. This wasn't hard, tough, flexible Jordan - Newbie was a completely different case, delicate, brittle, easily broken. It frustrated me, that I had to be so careful, but the anxiety I felt for his happiness eclipsed it - surprising me. He was changing me in ways that I barely noticed in day-to-day life but that were wholly clear at that moment.

The head of my erection slid in - he writhed beneath me, his left hand shooting to his own erection in an attempt to follow my advice, loosely circling it but barely moving. I murmured quietly to him, knowing the rumble of my voice would reassure him, relax him a little more - it worked. His hand started moving over himself, his eyes shutting tight as he fought against the pain and determinedly focused on the pleasure instead. I wrestled with the urge to tell him to open his eyes, knowing he could barely focus on anything and not wanting to put any more pressure on him than I already was.

"You doing okay, Newbie?"

He nodded shortly, his hand gripping mine tighter as I edged myself further within his hot tightness. I clenched my jaw, forcing my own eyes to stay open and to watch him and his discomfort, knowing that if I didn't I would give in like last time and just thrust, thrust so hard that he breaks beneath me -

"I'm okay," he whispered, words ragged but resolute. He still wouldn't open his eyes but the fact that he would make the effort to reassure _me_ at this point in time was just…

I pushed a little harder, a little more daringly - it was getting to that point again, the point where I was losing grip of the situation and could easily give in and just force myself in, pound the shit out of him before realising too late my mistake. I was struggling to keep my eyes open and on him, I had to do it, had to stay focused -

"Just do it," Newbie whispered again, squeezing my hand so hard I let out a growl. "Just do it, once you're in we can -"

I didn't need telling twice; I threw my hips forward, thrusting hard into him and letting out a load groan as I felt the unyielding heat overwhelm me - god he felt good, the unbelievably delicious pressure around me dulling the sense of his hand practically breaking mine… he let out a series of cries, his eyes squeezing even tighter as I started to move inside of him, my right hand moving almost on autopilot to grasp his erection within it. I started to pump my hand up and down, my ears frantically waiting to hear the sound of his pleasure overriding the pain, determined to make him come harder than he had ever come before.

The heat was almost unbearable. I thrust within him, deep and long, feeling him tense around me and relax again, over and over, knowing he was working hard to keep the muscles from constricting over me - quicker than last time I heard the change in his vocalised reactions, the whimpers and hisses of hurt twisting into moans and cries of pleasure as I slammed myself into him, hitting his g-spot enough that soon his hand was grasping at mine whilst my name started falling from hips lips at every movement.

His left hand gripped over my right as I manoeuvred it around his erection, thumb passing over the tip and leaving him gasping beneath me - the sounds he let free were heart-wrenchingly beautiful, compelling me to open up eyes that I hadn't realised were closed… he was looking directly at me, eyes darker than ever before as he gripped my hand even harder, encouraging me, nails digging in so hard I swear he had hit the bone but it was delicious pain, pleasure-pain, wells of desire breaking free in me at every shifting within him -

"Harder, harder!" he cried, his own hips starting to buck as the speed increased. "Fuck _me_, please, don't stop -"

I let go of his hand and leant down, using all of my strength to pull him up to me so that I could smash my lips down to his, our tongues battling instantly as my hand and hips continued their hungry assault on his body - I relished in the vibrations our noises of passion made against my lips, biting hard on his ripe lower lip and running my tongue along it, tasting blood and not caring, knowing he didn't care either… it was close, the end was close and I wanted him to come first so that I could watch him and know that it was the look in his eyes and the cries from his throat that had dragged my own climax from my achingly hard cock -

He came, mindless words and mixtures of my name and curse-words escaping his lips against my own as he pulsed in my palm, his head tilting back again - I took my cue, diving down and licking the droplets of sweat from his gorgeously delicate skin as the orgasm wrenched its way across his body, feeling him shudder and convulse against me. I shifted myself back up, pushing him back down on the bed and joining him, pressing my hard chest against his and gazing hotly into his eyes as I thrust harder and harder into him, feeling my balls tighten and my muscles tense as the overwhelming heat flooded through me and forced me to -

"JD, oh fuck, JD - shit, yes, god - "

I came harder than I knew possible, my hands slamming onto his shoulders and nails digging in, pressing my forehead against his, the slick of sweat melding us together as I released myself into him - I felt his own shudders start to calm as mine reached their peak, his name resounding in my throat as it climbed its way out and scattered itself around us.

**X X X X X**

_**JD POV**_

We lay there, side by side, completely and utterly exhausted - my mind was racing yet was clearly filled with nothing, my breathing subsiding as I became gradually more aware of my surroundings.

We'd just had sex.

In his apartment.

On his bed.

If I'd had the energy, I'd _zoom zoom zoom_… instead I said it within my head, knowing it would completely ruin the moment and possibly make him pissed at me, and that was one thing I really didn't want to risk. Not after that. Not after that spectacular, mind-blowing sex.

He sat up suddenly, burying his face in his hands. As the dread and fear found their way back into my stomach I wondered if they'd ever truly disappear, or if I'd forever be scared of him rejecting me even after what he had just done. For a few moments I lay there, watching his back as he sat there - without warning he stood, walking towards the door. My heart sank.

Dr. Cox turned to me just as he left the room, a single word falling from his lips as he turned the corner.

"Shower?"

**X X X X X**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

I threw him a pair of sweats to wear as he stood towelling himself, suppressing a smirk as he came up flushed and with really, really ridiculous looking hair - he caught them self-consciously, turning his back to me as he pulled them on. I rolled my eyes.

"Bit late to be hiding yourself away, don't you think? I've seen it all before. On several occasions."

His flushed skin burned brighter as he turned around, fiddling with the drawstring on the sweats to keep them from falling off of his slender hips… I found myself mentally aroused once again just looking at them. Newbie's light blue eyes moved upwards to focus on mine again, folding his arms around himself. Instantly I knew he was feeling vulnerable. "So, ummm… you want me to go or…"

I snorted. "I wouldn't have given you something to sleep in if I wanted you to leave now, would I?"

He shifted forward a little, blatantly feeling awkward. "Sorry. It's just, y'know, last time you wanted me out the moment you woke up and found me with you -"

"And I might feel the same this time," I cut in, shrugging. "I can't say how I will or will not feel tomorrow Newbie, I just can't. But I'm prepared to risk it."

Eyeing me apprehensively, he allowed himself another step closer to me. "If you're sure."

"I'm sure."

I turned and left the room, heading back into the bedroom and pulling back the covers. I heard him behind me, shuffling nervously in and watching me settle down, getting comfortable - clearly more comfortable than he was at that precise moment. I sighed. "Newbie, either get in or go and sleep on the couch."

For a few moments he hesitated, before remembering my one rule of the evening - he edged towards the bed, kneeling cautiously on the mattress before scooting himself down, laying his head delicately on the pillows and glancing at me a few times. I rolled my eyes again, throwing the covers over him and switching off the lamp next to me, leaving us in complete darkness.

He fidgeted a few times, turning from one side to another, over and over - I growled quietly into the darkness, at which point he froze completely and waited, waited for me to rebuke him or kick him out.

Instead, surprising both him and myself, I turned on my side and threw my arm across his waist, dragging him over to the middle of the bed and pressing my chest to his back. He was still practically frozen, his breathing shallow as if he thought the mere act of survival would annoy me. I couldn't help but grin as I rolled my eyes for the third time, tightening my grip on him and pressing our bodies closer. The sheets that had cooled after our previous session heated up again within seconds, our combined body heat ensuring that neither of us were cold.

Gradually he relaxed. It took me a little longer but, eventually, I felt myself start to drift off as his entire body melted against mine, our breathing patterns the opposite but, oddly, suited.

Just as I started to fall asleep I heard his voice, deep and groggy, mumble,

"The couch is too hard."

I grinned sleepily, closing whatever possible gaps there were between us and pressing my lips briefly against the nape of his neck.

"Shut up, JD."


	29. Disappointment

_**First of all, sorry for the delay!**_

_**Secondly, this is the shortest chapter EVER. The reason? My laptop is malfunctioning and therefore several letters on my keyboard aren't working which means until I can afford to get a USB one I have to use this stupid one that is on the screen in front of me, where I have to click on the letters I want to use. Very frustrating.**_

_**Still, I hope you enjoy it despite it's ridiculous length. R & R, as always.**_

_**Lots of love to you all. =)**_

_**x**_

**Chapter Twenty-Nine - Moving Forward**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

"Dr. Cox? Dr. Cox, are you awake?"

I cracked an eye open - Newbie was leant over the bed, dressed and looking nervous. I shut it again, rolling over to face the other way. "No." Vaguely I acknowledged the sound of him moving away from the bed, towards the door. Without thinking it through I found myself turning once again to face him, opening my eyes up properly. "Where do you think you're going?"

He hesitated in the doorway, glancing back at me. "I've got to go to work… unless you don't want me to or something…?"

I raised an eyebrow. "What would you do if I said just that?"

"Errr…" He started clutching his sleeves. "I guess I could call in sick or something -"

I snorted. "Carla would rip my testicles off. Best that you go in."

"Oh, well, yeah. You're right. Okay, well I'm gonna go now. Thanks for… you know. Everything."

"Screwing your brains out you mean?"

A smile twitched on his lips. "Yeah. And the cuddling."

I grimaced, frowning. "Putting my arm around you as we're falling asleep does _nawt_ constitute as cuddling, Mary."

His mouth dropped open. "Does too!"

Shrugging, I shut my eyes again. "Think what you want, doesn't bother me." I was lying. It did. I wasn't a cuddler. No way, no how. I listened as he muttered a quick 'fine' and started to walk away, stomping a little for effect. Just as I was starting to drift off once again I felt a warmth next to my face and, without warning, a warm pair of lips brushing against mine.

When I opened my eyes he was speedily heading towards the front door. "Bye!"

"You'll pay for that later," I called as he slid out of the door and slammed it shut, leaving me alone once again. I stretched myself out, enjoying the space - I loved sleeping in a king-bed on my own, with all of that leg room… then again…

I hated to admit it, but the night before had been more of an experience than I wanted to let on. Hell, that was obvious enough considering I had practically invited Newbie to stay for a little longer - a big difference from the morning before. In the end, I was nawt the kind of person to enjoy cuddling of any kind, preferring the 'love them and leave them' philosophy of sex… yet falling asleep with my arms around that ball of fluff had been almost _comforting_. Not that I needed it. I was more than capable of looking after myself and prided myself on not needing anybody or anything.

Just a bottle of scotch would do.

I groaned inwardly as I threw my legs over the side of the bed and hauled myself off of it, heading directly to the end of it to where my cell phone had fallen out of a pocket. Feeling somewhat angry at myself, I flipped it open and started typing out a message.

**X X X X X**

_**JD POV**_

I stared at my phone, hardly believing my eyes.

_The Big C (07:52)_ _Want to come over me tonight?_

This was unreal. I had just spent two evenings and sort-of two mornings with him and he wanted to see me _again_? I toyed joyously with the idea of turning him down and saying I had other plans, only imagining how frustrated it would make him. The montage played through my head with multiple endings, the best by the far the one where he broke down at my door and begged me to have sex with him -

"Bambi, there you are!"

Carla's voice made me jump in the silence of the Doctor's Lounge, a look of concern shooting across her face as she looked at me standing in the middle of the room looking like a school-boy caught writing 'Mr. Thompson Loves Cock' on the wall. (Those popular kids were so cool…)

"Are you all right?"

I nodded, half-heartedly waving my phone at her. She smirked.

"I see. Dr. Cox texting you by any chance?"

I frowned. "How did you know?"

She rolled her eyes. "C'mon Bambi, I've known you long enough now to know that look on your face. What did he say?"

_Quick, improvise!_ "He wants me to come over him tonight." _No, no! Has Improv class taught you nothing?_ "I mean, he wants me to come over tonight! To his apartment. Not over him. That's just wrong. So how are things?"

Her smirk deepened. "Things are fine, and don't change the subject. You two seem to be getting quite close."

I shrugged, trying to act as if I didn't have butterflies from the mere possibility of seeing him. "Maybe a little. He's probably just bored."

To my frustration, she nodded. "It must be dull not having a job."

"Mmm."

She looked at me a little harder. "You know I'm only kidding, right? He probably just misses you."

Glee filled my stomach. "Do you think so?"

"Yes JD, I think so. I saw this coming before either of you, remember?"

My reply was mumbled. "Stupid psychic Latina -"

"What's that, Bambi? You want your ass kicked?"

"Never mind," I hastily replied, snapping my phone shut and shoving it into my pocket. "So how have my patients been doing? In tip-top shape?"

"Such good shape that you shouldn't have even bothered coming in today!"

"Really?" Another excited montage made its way through my head of be bursting in on Dr. Cox in his apartment as he (for some reason) cooked an omelette in the nude -

"No, not really," she sighed, motioning her head towards the door. "C'mon Bambi. I know you'd rather be elsewhere but this is your job. Be excited about it."

As we walked to the Nurse's Station together, I realised with a jolt that the excitement of going in every day had waned somewhat since Dr. Cox had left - even when he had been an asshole and made me feel like I wasn't cut out to be a doctor it still gave me a rush to have to prove him wrong… and then I realised something else.

Was this like Elliot all over again? Now that I had won the fight with Dr. Cox, now that he was actually showing an interest - however reluctant - would I roll over one day and realise that I didn't want to be with him anymore? The thought sent a shudder through me… no. No, I couldn't ever do that to him. I couldn't do it to _myself_. After all that pain, all that agony, the tears and screams and orgasms… no, I couldn't.

I bit my lip.

But what if I _did_?

**X X X X X**

Yet another awful day. Without Dr. Cox here I was suddenly everyone's Go-To-Guy, the one that somehow was supposed to have the answers to all of their stupid and usually pointless medical queries. Even Dr. Kelso had come to bust my ass for something that had Dr. Cox's name written _all _over it, something he must have done before he left - I was now apparently Perry Jnr.

Somehow, that didn't thrill me.

I found myself answering page after page - there were interns who had forgotten how to place an IV after weeks of being here, Residents who had decided, after weeks of seeing Elliot as a better doctor than me because she was Chief Resident and I was 'Co'-Chief Resident (thanks to the Janitor), that I was now the closest thing to Residency Director that this hospital had (despite there being Attending Physicians littering the floors) and, last but not least, Kelso paging me about bits and pieces that I had never had to deal with before Dr. Cox left - I was overwhelmed. How had he handled all of this before? How had he not given in after one day of all of this crap?

The urge to text him was immense, just to ask if I could have a five-minute chat with him to calm myself down but for one, I didn't have the time - Sara (one of the interns I could actually see getting one of the Residency places if she stopped stalking me so much) insisted on paging me every ten minutes to make sure she was on the right track with her patients. I had a sneaking suspicion that she had a teensy bit of a crush on me. It was a shame that I was falling head-over-heels for a certain ex-Residency Director as I would have been more than happy to make her a booty-call of sorts.

The other reason… well, I was still kind of obsessing over the whole 'will I realise this is all one huge mistake' issue. I had been sure that Elliot was the love of my life up until the moment I finally won her away from Shaun - thank god they'd kept meeting up after I broke her heart and rekindled what had never really burnt out in the first place.

Still, I couldn't dwell on it. I was happier than I had been in a very long time - though it did involve constantly being on the edge of my seat waiting for a text back - and just the thought of going to see him straight from work filled me with butterflies. Just imagining that growly voice of his, his strong hands on my hips, eyes burning right through me -

"Scooter."

I jumped, clutching at my stethoscope as the Janitor stepped out of a doorway - he was armed with what looked like ammonia, head tilted slightly to one side as he considered me.

I was too stressed for this. "What? What horrific experience do you have planned for me today?"

Typically, he looked affronted. "What, because I'm lurking in the closet it means I'm waiting to terrorise you? Because I'm a Janitor and have nothing better to do with my time, I purposefully stalk your every move so that I can end you once and for all?"

I stared at him. "Uh… _yeah?_"

He blinked. "Mmm. You're right." He squirted a little ammonia inches away from my face. "Better move, that stuff stings. Besides," he added, plucking out what looked like an apple from his pocket and tearing a chunk from it. "It's not like I'm going to tell you what I have planned. Why ruin it?"

"Right, why ruin all the fun we have?"

He narrowed his eyes. "Exactly."

I turned away from him, seriously not in the mood for his head-games. Just as I started to walk away he called after me, as casual as anything -

"Don't mess it up this time."

I paused, tensing. I half-turned. "What?"

"You know. Mess up like you did with blonde doctor."

Turning properly, I found myself wanting to lunge forward and cling to the front of his shirt, beg him to help me. It concerned me. "I… you don't know anything. Don't stick your nose where it doesn't belong."

He raised an eyebrow, shrugging. "What does it matter to me? It's not like I care. He's not blonde doctor."

Against my will, I shuffled forward slightly.

"How… how do you _know_ all this stuff?"

"I know everything." This was said with utmost confidence. I half-believed him. "Besides, I saw you and him the other night."

Horror flooded through my veins. I ignored my pager as it went off. "Were you watching through his _window_?"

The Janitor frowned. "No. I saw you, outside of the hospital."

_Oh, shit_. I recalled Dr. Cox kissing me without hesitation in front of the double doors leading into the hospital, without caring who saw - and making a point of it afterwards. "Oh, that? He was just, uh -"

"You can't lie to me, Scooter. I _know_ you," he said, shaking the ring of keys attached to his belt. I didn't know exactly what he was referring to but it still worried me. "He kissed you, in view of everyone."

My pager went off again. We both looked at it but I wasn't ready to answer it. "Did…" I leaned forward and lowered my voice. "Did anyone else see him kiss me?"

For a moment I could practically see the cogs whirring in his head, wondering whether to screw with me or be straight with me. He looked at me intently for a second, trying to decipher what it would be worth either way.

"If I tell you this, can I have your dead dog?"

My mouth fell open. "No!"

He pursed his lips. "A lock of your hair?"

"No, of course n-wait, why would you want that anyway?"

"It's not important. Okay, if I tell you who saw you, what will _you_ give _me_ in return?"

In my desperation, I pulled the stethoscope from around my neck and held it up. "This?"

His eyes sparkled. "Deal." He snatched it from my hands and wrapped it around his neck. "Okay. No one else saw you."

I blinked. "What, no one?"

"No one."

Frustration welled up inside of me. "Why couldn't you have just _told_ me that?"

The Janitor shrugged. "If I bribe you, I get stuff. I thought you got me."

Our eyes met. "I don't get you."

"No," he mused thoughtfully. "Nobody does. It's a gift."

My pager went off once more - I whipped it from my waistband and glanced at it - _shit, three pages from Dr. Kelso_. "Gotta go!"

I whirled around in the opposite direction and started to run - just as I rounded the corner I heard a distant rumble:

"Don't worry ma'am, I'm a doctor. Dr. Jan Itor. Let's take a look at that brain of yours."

**X X X X X**

I stared at Dr. Kelso in horror. "I… sir, I don't have the _time_ to do these extra case-reports, I'm absolutely swamped!"

He narrowed his eyes and shot me a glare dangerous enough to make my butt clench. "You _are_ a resident of this hospital, son, are you not?"

"Yes sir, of course I am, but -"

"You _want_ to become an Attending Physician at the end of the year, don't you?"

"Yes sir, I just -"

"Dr Dorian," he huffed, bowing his head slightly and unleashing his most Chief of Medicine-y stare, "if you wish to continue your residency here and work here afterwards I expect you to do whatever the hell I _tell_ you to! I don't care if you have interns breaking down on your doorstep of an evening, you'll do these case reports and have them done for me by the end of the day!"

I knew I was beaten. "Yes sir. End of the day."

_I hope he means midnight._

He nodded sharply and turned, walking purposefully in the direction of the ICU - no doubt to terrorise someone else. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Elliot leap out from behind a patient's doorway and scuttle in the opposite direction of him - only to leap in the air as her pager went off. I watched as she glanced at it with the slow pace of someone dreading their fate - yep, definitely Kelso. Her shoulders sagged and she went sloping off in the direction of wherever the old bastard had got to, ignoring me as she went.

It was hard to feel sympathy for her. I definitely had it worse. Realising that I might screw up with the guy I had fallen hard for over the past four years gave me a whole new perspective and it didn't feel good.

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

_Joanna (15:04) Gonna need a rain check for tonight. Got stuff to do. Sorry._

My eyes drifted to the empty space on the couch beside me, trying (and failing) to ignore the annoying tinge of disappointment that echoed through my veins.


	30. Hopes and Fears

_**My beautiful readers… here it is. An update. I hope with all my heart you enjoy it. Sorry it's so short, but got a load of essays to be doing... anyway, hope you enjoy a little update after all this time.**_

**Chapter Thirty – Hopes and Fears**

_**JD POV**_

By the time I eventually got the reports to Dr. Kelso, I was exhausted. The day had been one of the worst that I had had in a while: interns desperately clinging onto me for dear life whenever one little thing went wrong; Dr. Kelso breathing down my neck; having to keep an eye on 'Dr. Jan Itor'; getting paperwork done - in between all of that, of course, I had to see to my own patients. By the time I had practically fallen onto my scooter I was about ready to collapse with exhaustion.

I was so exhausted, in fact, that I failed to notice him standing at my side until he spoke.

"Bad day, Sara?"

I could barely summon the energy to move my head to look at him - instead I let my eyes do all of the work, forcing them to focus on the dark shape that was just out of their range of vision. I shrugged - it took a lot of effort.

"It wasn't good, that's for sure."

Dr. Cox snorted - evidently I'd be getting no sympathy from _him_. "I figured as much. Thought I'd come down here and see if you could do with a hand."

_Just what I need - him undermining my position and making me feel like I need my secret lover to help me out. Fantastic._

"No thanks. I've got it. Took me four hours over my shift, but hey, at least Kelso's happy and the Interns aren't crying in a supply closet. Not all of them, anyway."

He shifted slightly. "How about dinner? I'll bet you haven't eaten all day."

_What, a lecture on nutrition?_ "I had a sandwich for lunch, I'm not really hungry."

I still wasn't properly looking at him; I literally couldn't bring myself to do it. I was happy to tell myself that it was because I was too tired for the fun and games he probably had planned, but in reality… well, in reality the only things I'd been able to focus on all day were my doubts. My insecurities. The very things that were likely to destroy whatever the hell it was that we had.

Oh, yeah, that too. What _did_ we have?

I sighed and shook my head slightly, not wanting to go around in the same circles I had all evening. "Honestly Dr. Cox, I just want to go home. I've had a lousy day and all I want to do is sleep for the next few hours before I have to get back. Maybe another time."

As I made to start my engine whilst avoiding his gaze as best as I could, his hand shot out and clamped down heavily on my shoulder. Somehow, with a willpower I didn't even know existed within me, my eyes stayed focused on the metal of the handrail ahead of me as I tensed beneath his touch. He didn't seem to notice my apprehension.

"Wait a minute. We need to talk."

_Goddamn it, about what?_

"I'm not stupid, kid. I know what's probably been going on in your mind all day."

Finally I found my gaze flying up to meet his. "You think so?"

He grimaced. "Pretty damned sure, yeah."

"Hit me."

The crooked grin - _damn it! Don't make this even harder to deal with!_ "I didn't realise you were into masochism - want me to get the whip out of the trunk of my car?"

My stomach twisted. "What is it you assume has been on my mind, Dr. Cox? Because I really need to get home -"

"Fine. I figure that today you've been obsessing - don't look at me like that, you obsess needlessly about _everything_ - obsessing about where this is going, about how I feel and about where it's going to go next."

My jaw set into straight line instantly - in a way, he was right… but not in the way he was thinking. Typical Cox, always thinking he knows everything. Asshole. "Care to clear that up for me? It's cold out here."

He snorted, folding his arms in front of him in his aggressive/defensive pose that I would forever associate with the stomach-clench that signalled a rant. "I didn't say I had answers, Clara, just that I figured it out. You're not all that hard to read."

I met his gaze fearlessly. "Then it won't surprise you to know that you're wrong."

He frowned. "I'm not wrong."

"Yeah, you are. If it makes you feel any better you can pretend that you're right and I'll go along with it, but if we're being honest with each other you couldn't really be any further from the truth."

I watched as Dr. Cox put the pieces together, his frown steadily getting deeper until his face smoothed out into an expressionless mask.

"So what, you want to -" he snorted, " - break up or something?"

I shrugged. "Again, assume what you want to to make yourself feel better. I know it probably gives you great pleasure to think you know exactly what's going on in my mind twenty-four seven."

"Now hold the phone there Newbie, because if you keep on talking at me in that defensive tone I'm damn well sure not gonna stand here and listen to you."

"Fine by me."

"Oh really?" He took a step towards me. "So if I walked away right now, you'd be okay with that?"

My stomach twinged. I ignored it. "Just do what you want to do. I'm going home."

It wasn't that I was actually angry at him, I knew that, but at that moment all I felt was frustration – how could he think it was okay for him to tell me that he knew exactly how I was feeling when the truth of it was that I had no idea myself? I was more confused now than I had ever been – it was worse, even, than when I had been on the road to figuring out how I felt about him. Watching his jaw tighten, muscles bulge with tension and eyes narrow, I could barely bring myself to feel much of anything, Just yesterday those things added together would have had me circling the drain panic-style, but tonight I just... it meant nothing.

At the very least, it would mean nothing within a few days. After I had screwed it all up.

His eyes burned into mine, silent for a few minutes before he said in a low voice,

"Go on then, kid, drive away from me. Just 'cos you're too scared to face how you really feel."

_Okay, that's going too far._ I swung my leg over my scooter and stood up, face-to-face with him within milliseconds. "Okay, seriously, what gives you the right to think that you know _anything_ about me? I've spent the last four years desperately trying to get to know you, trying to convince you to show an interest in my life so that you could get to know _me_ a little and now that we're having casual sex you think that it's okay to -"

Within seconds he had whirled me around and pinned me against the hand-rail, fists tightly clenched around the collar of my jacket. "Don't you dare, Newbie, don't you even _dare_!"

I was too tired, too frustrated and too confused to care how aggressive he was being. "What? _What?_ I'm only speaking the truth, don't get all uppity at me because I'm finally speaking my mind!"

"You call that speaking your mind?" he hissed, shaking me. "So let me ask you, this 'casual sex' we're apparently having... does that mean that you saying you love me _wasn't_ you speaking your mind? You wanna tell me that you were making it all up, is that what you're saying?"

" I -"

"Now if you're having second thoughts about all this Newbie, I'd sure as hell tell me now so that I can go home, scrub the last few months off of me and get on with my life."

"I didn't say -"

He shook me again – hard. The headache that had been lingering in the back of my head all day started to bring itself forward, making itself known at the worst moment. "You don't _need_ to say anything – you don't think I know you? Sure, maybe I don't know everything and, you know what, I'm _more_ than willing to accept that maybe it wasn't MY feelings that you were obsessing over all day, but one thing I DO know is that you were damn sure obsessing over something and if that _ridiculous_ defensive tone you're using doesn't give away that you're clearly having doubts then I'll walk away right now." He took a deep breath. "You understand me? Tell me straight if I'm wrong, but don't you dare try and bullshit me if I'm right."

I don't know what it was... maybe it was the fire blazing in his eyes or the fervour behind his tone – hell, maybe his words actually hit a nerve – but I found myself unable to stop the words coming out of my mouth:

"You're right. I'm having doubts."

Instantly he let go of my jacket and stepped away. "Thank you, Layla, for _finally_ having the balls to admit it."

I rolled my eyes. "Because it'd be that easy for you."

His steely gaze met mine and shot through me, cold as ice. "That'd only be a problem if I had doubts to be confessing in the first place."

"So what, you haven't had doubts throughout our entire affair?"

He snorted. "When it was an affair, sure I had doubts, of_ course_ I had doubts – what kind of person would I be if I _didn't_? But since we're being frank with each other Newbie, I'll say it like it is – no, I haven't had doubts. You know why?" I shook my head, tired of this conversation already. "Because it's not..." He hesitated, shaking his head. "It's not an affair anymore. It's pretty damned close to a relationship."

A lump formed in my throat. "You really see it that way?"

"Yeah. I do."

"Then how can you not understand how much that... _scares_ me? You saw what happened last time I was in a relationship, I realised I didn't want to be in one with someone I _thought_ I was in love with -"

"So you're not in love with me?" Instantly my eyes inched a little wider – what was with his tone? Was that... was that _fear_? "Looking at me, right here right now, coming to the hospital to check that you're okay because I know damned well that this is a shitty time for you... are you telling me that your heart just doesn't fly up and into the heavens at the thought of that?"

It was as if his words had cracked open the defensive barrier I'd been creating all day – suddenly I was overwhelmed with the emotion of it all, of seeing him standing there, of understanding for the first time that he actually gave a damn whether this went somewhere or not. I blinked. "I... you..."

"Forget it," he muttered, stepping even further away from me. "Shoulda realised you'd never be man enough to accept when you feel something that might turn into something real."

As he turned to leave, a wave of a desperation shot through me and propelled me forward until my hand was grasping tightly onto the back of his jacket. He continued walking, forcing me to stumble along behind him. "No, wait, Dr. Cox -"

He whirled around, making me stumble even more – I reached out clumsily to stop myself from falling and ended up instead holding onto the front of his t-shirt. The heat emanating from him shocked me. "What, one last hit? One last sayonara? Get it over and done with Dorian, so that I can go home and -"

I threw myself forward and pushed my lips up against his – he froze, his lips remaining in a hard line as I forced my kiss on him. I tried with everything in me to put all that I was feeling into that one kiss, moulding my body against his until I was so hard-pressed against him that I could feel his heart beating over mine. I became so desperate in my attempt to make him feel the emotions that were surging through me that I barely acknowledged when he began to kiss back, or when he started moving our bodies until my back was pressed up against the cold, hard wall of the hospital. It was only as his hands moved up my chest to grasp my hair and shake me slightly that I realised where we were and what had happened. I gulped for air, struggling for oxygen and a grip on reality – he shook me again, a little harder.

"Listen," he whispered harshly, his lips close enough that they brushed slightly against mine. "Listen – you can't keep doing this to me. I know I did it to you – on and off and on again, but if you do it to me one more time, I swear I won't be held accountable for my actions. I put myself out there for you – and I know," he shut his eyes, shaking his head, "I know you've done it every day since you started as an intern at this hell-hole, but hear me out... if I had doubted my feelings for you for one second since I'd said what I did in that maze, I'd be gone. I wouldn't be here. You need to hear that loud and clear, JD, because I swear to _God_ I won't be saying it again."

I nodded, shutting my eyes -

"Look at me, for crying out loud!"

They flew open again, seeing his boring into me in all of their cold, fiery splendour.

"If you're having serious doubts, and I mean the kind of doubts that leave you reeling in the knowledge that all of this has been some kind of screwed up game then hell, I'll cut you loose so fast you won't even need the time to get over me because I'll be out of your hair so quick you won't even remember me."

"That could never happen," I murmured. A tiny smile twitched on his lips.

"All the same... if you truly believe that you don't want to be with me, I need to know. I... I can't do this right if you don't want me to be doing it at all."

For minutes that suspended in the air around us, we stared at each other with a million-and-one questions lingering in the tiniest gap between us – questions that didn't need answering at that moment but that no doubt would come up in the future – and making me feel absolutely certain of one thing and one thing alone.

"I'm... I'm really sorry -"

He froze.

"- but if we're being truly honest with each other, I don't think you're ever going to get rid of me."

He moved so quickly that I was almost certain he was going to kiss me – but no. He slowed right down at the last second, pressing his warm forehead against my cold one and breathing in my air as if it were the most natural thing in the world. We stood that way for at least two minutes, neither of us saying a word until he finally murmured against my skin,

"I love you too much for you to scare me like that. Don't... don't do that again. Please, Newbie."

I couldn't hold back any longer – all of the doubts I'd had all day turned themselves from empty mass into solid belief in whatever it was that we had and, without warning, I once again threw myself at him and locked our lips together. He didn't try to fight me off – instead he wrapped his arms tight around my waist and crushed me against him, so hard that I feared my ribs would probably break but at that moment in time it truly didn't seem like a bad thing. He would, at least, be the one to take care of me should it happen. I found myself grinning through the kiss at the idea of him tenderly looking after me – tender being the word that _really_ amused me. He clearly felt it, pulling away and lessening his grip enough that he could look at me.

"What's so funny?"

"If you broke my ribs it'd make my day."

His right eyebrow twitched. "You... are insane."

"Yeah, but you love me."

To my chagrin it just seemed to give him more ammo to work with. "You're right, I'm clearly the one in need of psychological help. Hmm. My bad."

I frowned. "One day you're gonna forget to be mean to me."

When his hands came up to frame my face, light and gentle as I'd ever been touched, I felt every insecurity I'd ever had fall away as if they'd never existed in the first place.

"Don't count on it."


	31. Bad Habits

_**Just a little one to whet your appetites. Definitely worth writing, even if it is tiny. Enjoy, my darlings – reviews always greatly appreciated and worshipped!**_

**Chapter Thirty-One – Bad Habits**

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

With his head on my chest and his hair (annoyingly) tickling my chin, he finally spoke into the silence. "That was... out of this _world_."

I rolled my eyes, shifting the covers over our bodies so that we were both covered. "You said that last time."

His head lifted off of me and swivelled until he was awkwardly able to face me. "Yeah but... it was! Don't deny it, Perry, you _loved_ it."

I shrugged. "It was okay."

"_Okay?_"

"I don't know what you expect me to say."

Newbie leant up on his elbows, blue eyes wide as he stared at me in disbelief. "It's not what I expect you to say, it's what I _want_ you to say! You should know this by now!"

"Hmmm." I shut my eyes so that I wouldn't have to meet his frustrated glare, trying not to smile. "Sorry to disappoint you, kid, but 'okay' is about as far as I'm willing to go."

He huffed loudly, twisting his head back around and pressing his cheek against my chest once more. "You're stupid."

I threw my hands up into the air. "What, I'm not going to lie just to make you feel validated! All I'm saying is, I've known better!"

"Finding Nemo is a classic!" he protested, punctuating his exclamation with a kiss to my abdomen. "You just don't know something good when you see it."

Though I knew his words weren't implying a sentiment towards our... _relationship_... I still found my arms tightening slightly around his slender form. "At least I'm trying."

He froze slightly. "I wasn't referring to... me."

My thumb began to idly stroke the warm skin on his back. "I know."

The silence stretched on for a few minutes, his own fingers idly playing with my nipple as his breathing got a little faster. I couldn't suppress my grin this time.

"Easy there, Newbie, otherwise I just might have to jump you."

I felt his smile quirk upwards. "Sorry. It's turning into a bad habit."

"I wouldn't call it a bad one."

"I was just thinking..."

"Yeeeees?"

"Are we... are you my boyfriend now?"

I stiffened – and not in a good way. Although I knew he'd leap upon my professing our situation as a 'relationship' someday, I hadn't expected it to be tonight. I'd hoped that watching that god-awful film would distract him and make him sleepy again but hell, apparently I was wrong.

He picked up on the tension, slowly shifting until his head was facing towards me, his eyes zeroing in on mine. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it or anything but I just figured that we might as well talk about it."

I nodded curtly. "Make your case."

"What?"

"Well, if you're so determined to put a title to it I want to know your reasons as to why we can't just keep on going as we are."

He bit his lip. "I didn't realise you were so.. _averse_ to it."

I sighed. "It's not that I'm averse to it, JD, I just -" I caught the quickest of smiles flash across his face. "What now?"

"You called me JD."

Groaning, I rubbed a hand over my face. "Are you ever going to get over that?"

He grinned. "I hope not."

"I'm not against us having titles or whatever the hell it is you're after, but... I'm still married." This was said with hesitance. I knew it to be true, I just knew how much he hated being reminded. His smile quickly disappeared. "Don't look like that, you know how things are with me and Jordan. It's just... I know that putting a title to it would make it clearer for you, but for me it would just make things even more unclear."

For a moment, everything was silent.

"You... you still love her, don't you?"

I couldn't lie. "I do."

He shifted until he was sitting upright, looking at me. "Then... and I can't believe I'm saying this, but... are you really sure this is where you want me? Where you want our relationship to be?"

Growling low in my throat I shut my eyes. "Didn't we just go over this outside of the hospital?"

"Well yeah, but -"

"But _what?_"

He looked down. "I just don't want you to feel like you're making a mistake."

I needed to do this right and needed to do it so he absolutely, 100% understood where we stood on this matter. I wasn't one for being gentle, nor was I one for carefully choosing my words but at that moment in time I knew that if I did this wrong, Newbie would misunderstand either way and it would all probably end horribly wrong. I sat up slowly, leaning back on my hands.

"JD."

His eyes flickered up to meet mine.

"Over the years... Jordan and I have given each other a lot of space. There are more times than I can count on my fingers that I've let Jordan go off and figure out what she really wants from this life, from me, from her future. Our relationship, it's not like the ones you see elsewhere where the husband loves the wife and the wife loves the husband so they work through everything as best they can. We just... we don't work like that."

Newbie nodded slightly.

"I know that, no matter what she does and where she goes, there will always be a... a part of her waiting here for me. She'll always love me and, more to the point, she'll always come back."

"So why -"

"Let me finish," I interrupted gently. Far gentler than I was used to. _Damn_ this kid required a lot of patience. "She's given me space too, but I've never quite gone off and done what she does. She'll sleep with guys, sometimes even start to try and make a life with them – yeah," I could see the surprise in his eyes, "it's not always just about sex. Sometimes our relationship isn't what you see in the halls. Sometimes we damage each other. Sometimes we're not good for each other - just like every other couple in the world. The difference between me and Jordan and everyone else is that we'd rather see the other get it out of their system and then have one another come back just like everything's normal again."

I went quiet, knowing he had questions. "So... is that what you're doing? Getting me out of your system?"

Again I knew I had to be careful. "I won't lie to you, it's sort of like that – or at least, it was."

"It... was? It's not now?"

Was this the moment? Was this when I was going to say it?

I bottled, opting for the somewhat safer option. "We've both said it now, Newbie – the 'r' word. We're in one now, in a relationship. We're sleeping together, spending time together and, as much as it pains me to admit it... we need each other."

It didn't matter that I couldn't feel his heartbeat against my chest anymore – I knew it had sped up at my words just by the flush that reached his cheeks. "You need me?"

My voice was gravelly as I answered him. "I need you. I didn't come to the hospital because I thought you needed help – I went there because if I didn't see you I'd spend the entire night wondering why my bed felt so damned empty." I hoped to Lucifer that he knew exactly how difficult all of this was to say. I didn't even say stuff like this to _Jordan_, but then if I was being frank to myself I knew that she didn't need to hear it. Not like he did. "So yeah, Newbie, maybe this _is_ about getting you out of my system... but for all I know, for all you know and for all Jordan knows... you won't be out of it until the day I die."

With alarming speed, he threw himself off of the bed and towards the bathroom – I felt both frustration and panic work its way through my veins, spurring me to swing my own legs off of the side of the bed and hit the ground running, following him as he tried to slam the door in my face. I wedged myself in, instantly on his case. "Newbie, what? What?" He didn't turn to face me – the frustration grew alongside the panic, forcing me to reach out and grasp him hard by the shoulders and whip him around until he was facing me. His eyes as they flew open were revealed to be bloodshot and full of tears. My heart damn near exploded. "Newbie, what the -"

"You think you might love me forever?"

Unable to stop myself, my hands gripped even tighter and pulled him hard against me, pressing my forehead against his temple as I felt his tears begin to fall. "Why is it that whenever I say stuff like that you always cry? Why do you _always_ have to _cry_?"

He hiccuped a laugh in my ear. "You don't say stuff like that, it just catches me off guard -"

"...catches you off guard? That's why you always cry?" My voice was half-growl, half-rumble. "I don't know whether I'm going to stop loving you tomorrow or if I'll never stop," I murmured harshly against his skin, holding him so tight to me that I could feel him straining for breath. "But right now I love you so fucking much that if you don't stop crying I'm going to have to kill you."

He buried his face into the space between my neck and shoulder, tears hot against me as they escaped in my embrace. His whisper was so soft that I almost didn't hear it at all.

"If it's going to be tomorrow that you stop loving me, please kill me now."

With great precision and as gently as I could, I pulled myself away from him and, as I had outside of the hospital just hours ago, cupped my hands against his face and met his shimmering gaze with my own slightly harder stare.

"JD?"

He hiccuped again. "Yes?"

"Don't count on it."

I was pretty sure that as far as bad habits went, loving him was bigger than nipple-tweaking.


	32. Jingle Bell Rock

_**A/N: The usual apologies for the delay... I just hope that you'll all still love me for updating!**_

_**I just want to make a mention of something, or more accurately, SOMEONE: lauralovesit, a user on here, is taking the time and effort to translate this fanfiction into German and posting it on the German version of ! Isn't that amazing? The fact that someone would use their time to do that just astounds me and makes me feel that this fic has come on in leaps and bounds since the beginning. She is truly wonderful and, if the reviews it's received are anything to go by, she's doing an amazing job! So lots of love directed towards her, please!**_

_**One last thing – do you guys realise it's been almost three years of this fic? THREE YEARS? I know that's partly due to my awful habit of never updating and then updating in massive chunks but seriously, I just want to extend a huge thanks to you all for sticking with it for so long. For a long time this fic had the most reviews out of all of the Scrubs fanfiction on here – that's no longer the case, but I honestly don't care! The fan-base for this fic is just... immense. So... thank you. All of you.**_

_**Wow. Longest author's note EVER. My bad. ENJOY THE FIC! SORRY FOR RAMBLING!**_

**Chapter Thirty-Two – Jingle Bell Rock**

_**JD POV**_

Before I knew it, it was two weeks until Christmas. Perry and I had been 'seeing' each other for over a month, still not putting any titles to it but it was general knowledge to those that knew either one of us that we were.. together.

Just knowing it made me feel light-headed.

The situation between him, me and Jordan was strange to say the least. She had come over one morning a few weeks after I had forced him to watch Finding Nemo for a second time and walked in on us making breakfast – better than walking in on us just ten minutes earlier, that's for sure. She stared at us for a few minutes, me in the dressing gown I'd bought and left there for when I stayed over and him in a t-shirt and boxers, seemingly frozen by the sight of us – incredibly awkward. But then... then she said something I didn't expect.

"Made enough for an extra mouth?"

Dr. Cox snorted and shrugged, nudging me towards the dishwasher to get out an extra plate – I could barely move. "Not one as big as yours."

I could only flicker my eyes between the two of them, watching their natural camaraderie. Jordan raised an eyebrow, making her suddenly look every inch Dr. Cox's life-partner. My stomach twisted. "Didn't hear you complaining on our honeymoon -"

"H-ooookay," he abruptly interrupted, holding out his hands and clearly fighting a grin. "I think we get the picture, Jordan."

She shrugged, shooting me a glance that made me feel that the last place I should have been at that moment was there, in the kitchen, with the two of them. I swallowed hard and started fumbling with the dishwasher in an attempt to retrieve a plate for his surprise guest. He carried on striding around the kitchen, creating gorgeous smells that weren't all to do with the food and were mostly to do with the fact that he smelt _amazing_, all the while retaining a strange calm that, at that moment, I wish I knew how to fake. The worst thing was that I was pretty sure he _wasn't_ faking it. It was one of the most natural things in the world for him, being in the same room with Jordan.

For a moment, I hated her.

"So!" Her voice pierced through my bubble of loathing and somehow managed to turn it on its head so that it was instead facing me. "How are... things?"

I couldn't see, as my head was purposefully buried in the dishwasher to avoid having to look at them together, but I could practically feel Dr. Cox's smirk. "What, you want the gory details?"

"Save them for your alone time, Perry," she replied in clipped tones, revealing for a moment how awkward this situation really was – despite the almost-flirtatious teasing and all. "Before we carry on this weird breakfast freak-show I want to make something clear with you both. Hey," she called, louder than necessary, "that includes you, Sally."

I turned slowly, holding the plate I'd extracted with a tighter grip than was perhaps needed. "Oh, yeah. Right."

"I'm fully aware that I was the one to... _sanction_ this little situation you've got going on here. I've got no issue with it – well, other than the issues you'd expect. It's not every day that you send your partner off to roll around with some pretty little woman-boy."

I gritted my teeth.

"But I'm not exactly in the right place to pretend that this doesn't feel wrong to me. I won't sit here and listen to you talk about how happy you are or what a great big gay sex-life you have, all right? I'm glad that you're getting this out of your system, Perry, and JD, well, as much as I hate to say it I'm a little glad for you too... though mostly I'm just amused. In a bitter sort of way."

"Wouldn't expect any less," Dr. Cox said quietly, but with an edge of humour. They shared a look that I didn't much like. "But if you're not here to talk about our situation, what _are_ you here for?" At this, he turned away as if it didn't mean much to him at all, taking the pancakes from the stove and starting to slip them onto plates. Jordan and I both watched him intently – again I felt a powerful surge of jealousy well up from within me, frustrating myself with the knowledge that if this was how _I_ felt, Jordan must be feeling ten times worse.

She walked over to the cutlery draw, taking out knives and forks. I suppressed the shudder that ran through me, my head screaming that it was _my_ job to get the cutlery, that she had no place here.

_I_ was the one that had no place here.

"Well, Christmas is coming up and I wanted to discuss arrangements. With Jack."

Both of our eyes fixed on her instantly. Was she going to be a bitch about it? It would certainly reveal her to be someone I could _willingly_ hate, but the thought that it would cause Dr. Cox pain to be separated from his son over Christmastime...

"I figure it's going to be a bitch to try and decide who he should spend Christmas with, me and my Mom or you and your mistress -"

"He's not living here, Jordan," he cut in, folding his arms tight across his chest. "He just stayed the night."

Slowly, she cast her eyes over me, taking in the dressing gown that she clearly knew didn't belong to him – but said nothing of it. "Either way, I don't really care." Liar – how could she not? "It's up to you, and you don't have to but I thought maybe we could go away for Christmas – me, you, Jack and my Mom."

I tensed, feeling the weight of her words – Dr. Cox's eyes flitted to me for a moment before he focused on her again. "I see."

She met his gaze fearlessly. "A family holiday."

He nodded curtly. "I hear you."

Without warning, Jordan had turned her gaze to rest on me, straightening up a little. I tensed a little more.

"I don't mean it offensively or anything, but it's how I want it to be. Whatever you are to Perry, that doesn't make you family – end of story."

"I understand," I forced out between gritted teeth, determined not to let my emotions get the better of me – despite her tone, I knew she wasn't intentionally saying the words to upset me. "And I won't try and get in the way of that. You guys... do what you have to do."

I felt the cold heat of Perry's stare on my face; I couldn't look at him. "Newbie -"

"No, really," I interrupted, putting down the plate that I was still holding and moving away from the dishwasher and towards freedom from this hellish conversation. "It's not my place to intrude upon a situation that's not really anything to do with me, and I mean it when I say I understand. If it were me, I'd want to spend my Christmas with the people _I_ consider to be family, without the addition of someone that's just gonna... make it awkward." I turned, meeting Perry's eyes as unwaveringly as I could manage. "Honestly, Dr. Cox. It's fine."

Walking away wasn't easy; I vaguely heard Jordan ask if she should leave and Perry's denial, asking her to stay for a little longer so that they could 'go over details' – my stomach twisted, hard. I didn't want her there, in fact I was pretty sure I'd never wanted anything less... I knew, deep down, that it wasn't my space, that it was THEIR apartment and that I was the outsider, but the last few months had been so wondrously magical that the idea that she could just come in and ruin it all with a few words shook me.

Gathering my things up and opening the front door, I plucked my cell phone from my pocket and started to text.

X X X X X

"I wondered when you'd get in touch," she said with a little smile, lifting the giant coffee mug to her lips and taking a sip. "Things going well with Perry?"

The smile I returned to her was unmistakeably pained. "I won't lie to you Lesley, things just got a whole lot more complicated."

She grimaced. "How is that even remotely _possible_?"

"Jordan."

Her brow wrinkled. "His ex?"

"Yup. Came to his place this morning, ate my pancakes and stole him away for Christmas." She nodded, looking far to calm considering what I'd just told her. I frowned. "Lesley, she _ate_ my _pancakes_ and _stole_ him!"

Rolling her eyes, she dabbed her napkin to her mouth and focused her hazel gaze on me. "Johnny. Calm down. They were just pancakes."

"That's not what this is about!" I sputtered, throwing myself back in my chair and slouching – I knew I was acting like a spoiled child but I couldn't help it. How did she not see how _unfair_ this was? "She is literally stealing him from under my nose to whisk him away on some magical Christmas adventure with her mom and their son -"

"His ex-wife's mom had a kid with him?" I gritted my teeth and narrowed my eyes at her; she tried (and failed) to smother a smile, putting her hands up. "Sorry. Go on."

"I just... I thought I'd spend this Christmas with him. Call me an idiot -"

"Don't tempt me."

"- but I genuinely thought we'd do the whole nine years, y'know? Buy a tree, decorate the apartment together, wake up with each other on Christmas day, go over to Turk and Carla's for Christmas dinner or invite them over to ours -"

She choked slightly, shaking her head and making gestures to stop me. "Wait, wait... _ours_? You two are living together now?"

I froze. Had I said that?

Lesley shook her head again, taking another sip of her coffee. "I guess not."

"I'm sorry," I murmured, fiddling with my cup, "it's hard to think of it as just his now. I've practically forgotten what my bed feels like, I've been spending so much time over there."

"I understand," she replied softly, reaching over and squeezing my hand briefly before leaning back and scrutinizing me. "And I'm sorry for making jokes before. I can tell you're in a lot of pain."

I shrugged. "It's stupid, really... all this time I've been trying to find some sort of empathy, with him and Jordan I mean. I know he still loves her -" I looked up and met her eyes so that she could see the acceptance in my eyes, so that she would know just how deep it cut, " - but until today I didn't quite realise just how deep it ran. How much their love compliments one another." I didn't add my last sentiment, that their love was better suited than the love Dr. Cox and I had for each other – it would make the statement a little too true.

Lesley's brow furrowed again, puckering her forehead. "Are you implying that your love isn't just as complimentary?"

I hated how she knew every thought in my head. "It's true."

She snorted. "Bullshit. The way I see it, you guys are probably the most adorable couple I've seen in a long time."

"Dr. Cox and adorable don't really fit in the same sentence."

"Not if you're just thinking about him on his own, but when you consider how he is with you..." She was quiet for a moment, letting her words whirr in my head. "Are you honestly telling me that he's the same old asshole with you that he was before?"

"Uh, yeah!" The truth of it made me smile... _god, I _love_ that man..._

"Johnny."

"Mmm?" I didn't want to talk anymore, not whilst my mind was drifting to a nice place -

"He hasn't changed at all?"

I bit my lip. "He says we're in a relationship now."

Her jaw dropped slightly. "He admitted that to you? He actually said it? You weren't just in a sex-coma and imagined the whole thing?"

Flushing slightly, remembering the sex-coma he'd left me in last night, I nodded. "Yep, he said it. Said it with fear in his voice – and not fear because he was scared of saying it but fear because he thought I might reject him. That _I _might reject _him."_ Even now the idea was laughable. "How crazy is that?"

She shrugged, nonchalant. "Not so crazy. He's put himself out there with all of this, Johnny, and he has _way_ more to lose than you."

My eyes widened slightly... god, she was right! He had _so_ much to lose, and here I was acting like a little kid because he was trying to keep all of the different bits of his life together -

"Lesley, I've gotta go!" I cried, throwing my chair back and rummaging around in my pocket until I found a twenty dollar note. "I'm sorry to do this, but the coffees are on me, and -"

She stood, interrupting me. "It's fine. I was in town buying supplies for the stables anyway, it's not like it was out of my way."

I knew she was lying – I could see it on her face, the way she shielded her eyes from me so that I wouldn't be able to see the disappointment and slight hurt. I reached out and stilled her from gathering her things, holding her hands momentarily and forcing her to look me in the eye.

"I really _did_ want to see you, Lesley. It wasn't just about Dr. Cox."

She carefully extracted her hands from mine and smiled – was it just me, or was that smile slightly forced? "It's fine. Maybe next time we'll be able to spend more than ten minutes together."

Guilt lined the base of my stomach. "Yeah. You... you look after yourself."

"I will."

With that, she turned and started to walk away, leaving me with the uncomfortable realisation that, despite how much I genuinely liked her, I was all too easily using her as my walking-talking-journal. I stared after her for a few minutes, watching as she got lost in the crowds on the street before turning around myself and starting the slow walk back to Perry's apartment.

_**Dr. Cox POV**_

I knew it was him before I even opened the door – the scent of lavender and guilt was unmistakeable.

He sheepishly met my gaze. "Can I come in?"

I frowned. "That depends... are you going to cry?"

"Ummm..." A few moments of consideration. "No?"

Nodding curtly, I moved away and towards the couch, sitting down and waiting for him to join me. Clearly the kid had _something_ on his mind, I just didn't know what yet. He shuffled inside, shucking off his sneakers and slowly slipping off his jacket, hanging it up by the door before shuffling his way over to sit beside me; I raised my eyebrows, waiting.

"I wanted to... apologise. For the way I acted before."

Finding myself confused, I simply waited for him to continue. As far as I could remember, he'd been pretty mature about the whole situation.

"I didn't know how to react. On the one hand you have me, your boyf-" he cut himself off, shaking his head violently, "- your relationshippy person, and on the other you have your ex-wife who you still very much care about, offering you a way to spend Christmas with your son. And I realise now that... that I over-reacted."

Again, bewilderment. What in the hell was he talking about? "Newbie, I'm sorry to interrupt you there but you've lost me."

He hunched over slightly, hiding his eyes from mine. "I stormed out of her like a _kid_."

I tried to suppress a smirk. "You _are_ a kid. Compared to me, anyway." No matter how hard he tried to hide it, he couldn't – the wince at my reply was as clear as day, his entire body reacting to whatever had upset him...

"Yeah," he murmured, locking his fingers together, "I guess you're right. I am a kid."

A surge of annoyance spread through me. "Do you fancy telling me what it is that you've got your knickers in twist for? You've never been bothered about me calling you one before."

JD was still avoiding my stare, staring instead at his fingers. What he said next did nothing to alleviate the frustration he so endlessly inspired in me.

"Doesn't it... bother you? Dating someone half your age?"

"Are you calling me an old man?"

His eyes flew up to meet mine – finally, a response I was happy with! "No, no! Not old! You're in the prime of life, the best you'll ever be, the picture of health -"

"Pipe down," I grumbled, leaning back and resting my arm on the back of the couch, "I was only kidding. Why are you so suddenly concerned by the age gap? Is it because of Jack? Because I have a son? You never mentioned being bothered by it before."

"It's... it's not Jack," he said, the hesitance dripping from his tone. "I just... does it not feel weird being with someone like me when you could still be with Jordan?"

The growl was irrepressible. "Newbie, we talked about this -"

"And I'm not saying it for the same reasons as before," he interrupted, suddenly eager, his blue eyes locking onto mine as he tried to make his point, "I promise! It's just, you and Jordan, you're closer in age, have experienced more of life and love and all of those things and earlier you were so _good_ together, joking and teasing and flirting like you used to -"

_This_ growl was louder. "There was _no_ flirting, Amanda. We just get on well. We've spent most of our lives together."

"And that," he said, shaking his hands to accent his words as the eagerness blazed in his open expression, "is why I'm asking. You have a son together, a life... doesn't it bother you that we have none of that? That I've barely experienced _anything_?"

It was all too repetitive for me; as far as I was concerned, I'd already explained myself in regards to this and I sure as hell wasn't going to explain myself any more. He kept talking.

"I came here to tell you that I'm genuinely okay with you going away with Jordan, Jack and Mrs... Jordan's mom. I wanted you to know that any decision you make in regards to your family, I'll be fine with it. I'll be happy. If you're happy. If you're happy, I'll be happy."

My jaw tightened. "Good thing I've already agreed to go with them."

The flush that he'd worked up into his cheeks from enthusiasm faded. "You... you have?"

"Of course. It's my _son_, JD, I can't not spend Christmas with him, as much as I re-he-_heally_ hate this season."

For a few moments he simply stared at me, his gaze probing; did he really think he'd find out anything more just by scrutinizing my eyes?

Without warning, he threw himself back against the couch and slumped against it. "Good. _Good._"

I watched him intently. "Really? Even though you'll be here and I'll be there?"

He nodded. "Yes. Really."

Agitation flooded me as I failed to analyse whether he truly meant it or not. I turned to humour. "I'm no good at Christmas anyway. I don't decorate."

His eyes widened. "You _don't_? No tree? No tinsel? No... no fairy lights?"

"Nope."

"But I have this thing!" He sat forward, suddenly excited. "I have this penguin thing you could put in here, you press its flipper and it _sings_! I think there's a setting where if you pass by it, it sings... I'm not sure, but my favourite is when it sings_ '_Jingle Bell Rock' -" Suddenly his eyes were closed and he was swaying back and forth, a little smile on his lips. "Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock -"

Within seconds my hands were framing his face, my lips ever so gently pressed against his – it muffled his singing (thank god) and froze him beneath my touch, forgetting for a moment to kiss me back; I _loved_ that I still had that effect on him. I carefully kept the smug smile off of my face as I pulled away, keeping my hands cupped around his skin.

His beautiful blue eyes made my chest ache a little. So full of wonder. Admiration. Adoration.

Love.

It still amazed me that I wasn't running to the hills.

"JD," I said quietly, "if you stop singing festive songs now, I'll tell you pretty convincingly that I wish I could spend Christmas with you and only you."

He bit his lip. "Do I really have to stop?"

"Absolutely."

Frowning slightly, he nodded. "Okay. I'll stop." After a moment, a slight murmur - "Better be worth it..."

At that, I pushed him down to lay flat on the cushions of the couch, leaning my chest against his and brushed my lips against his briefly, trailing them along his jaw and down his throat, lingering their as I heard his breathing speed up, his heart racing – _ha! _I couldn't help it. I let out a small, growling laugh at his reaction to the simplest of affections before leaning up on one elbow, looking down at him momentarily, one hand still framing his face. He stared up at me, lost in the moment.

I smiled, a small smile. "JD."

He swallowed. "Yes?"

"If I could spend Christmas anywhere, with anyone..."

The embers in my chest started to tremble.

"If there was one thing that could make this season _mean_ something to me..."

His eyes glittered; the embers grew to flames.

"If I could have absolutely anything in this world this Christmas..."

The pyre began.

"It would be you. With me. Anywhere."

He leaned up, our lips meeting, heat exploding between us – I pulled away quickly -

"Preferably naked."

He grinned, pulling his arms out from under me and wrapping them around my neck, pulling me closer as he kissed me, hard.

X X X X X

Two hours later -

"Was it really hard, saying that?"

I opened my eyes, staring into the fuzziness that was the back of his head.

"Not like I thought it would be."

_**FIN. (Of this chapter! Not the fic!)**_

_**Next on the agenda... CHRISTMAS SHOPPING! Hooray! :-P Wonder what they're gonna get each other?**_


	33. So This Is Christmas

_**Oh my GOD guys. Oh. My. God. I am such a biatch.**_

_**I'm so sorry for making you wait so long for this, but life… well, you know how life is. One thing led to another and it was just CRAZY. The good news is, I'm now working so have weekends to write when I have the time – about time, too, being twenty-three and all. Real life has gotta start somewhere!**_

_**Enough rambling – here's the thirty-third chapter! It's only a short one, but I had to ease myself back into the MUBH goodness.**_

**Chapter Thirty-Three – So This Is Christmas**

_JD POV_

As I stood staring mournfully at Dr. Cox and his suitcase, knowing he was probably already distracted by the idea of seeing his son for the festive season, I considered telling him that I'd changed my mind. Now that he was in my life I couldn't even begin to imagine what Christmas would be like without him, irrespective of if I'd already spent years in much the same way… the only difference now being that he actually gave a crap and would – dare I say it – miss me over the next few days.

Not that I was holding my breath on that. Expect nothing and gain everything – that was my new motto. It worked well when being in love with someone as changeable as Dr. Cox could be.

He slammed the trunk of the car shut, turning to me and looking me up and down.

"Why are you looking like that?"

I frowned. "Like what?"

"Like you're about to stomp your foot."

"I do not," I bit back, my lips threatening to twist into a smile. "I was just thinking that I hope you've packed your thermals. It's so cold!"

"Please," he snorted, folding his arms. "I don't need thermals."

Rolling my eyes, I leaned back against the apartment building. "Ah, of course – Perry Cox, man of steel. Tell me, do you have any weaknesses?" To my delight, he looked pointedly at me before shaking his head. HA. I knew exactly what he was thinking. "You can't hide from me, Perry, I know what that look meant."

He harrumphed. "Oh, do you now?"

"Yep. I'm your weakness. I'm the silver to your werewolfy heart."

Dr. Cox glared at me for a moment. "You watched _Underworld_ again, didn't you?"

I was _obsessed_. "It's such a good movie! I'd look _so_ good in leather."

A smile started to play on his lips as he moved forward, unlocking his arms so that he could place a finger under my chin. "Don't tempt me, Newbie."

For a few wonderful seconds he stared into my eyes intently, rendering me senseless as his ice-blue orbs – so perfect in the bright winter sunlight – looked right through mine. His fingers were cold as they moved up to gently press against my jaw, eyes flitting to rest upon my lips before he leant in ever so slowly and lightly brushed his lips against mine. The contradictory sensation of his cold fingers and warm lips was amazing to me, befuddling my head and making me feel somewhat dizzy. Feeling impulsive, I wrapped my arms right around his waist, pulling him close and kissing him back as meaningfully as I could, pouring all my thoughts and fears into one act of affection and hoping he understood… and hoping he wouldn't get mad at me for it.

He pulled away from me slowly, sighing slightly as he attempted to disentangle himself from me; I tightened my grip, lacing my fingers together intently.

He frowned.

"I have to go, Newbie. Don't do this now."

I narrowed my eyes. "But I'm going to miss you."

"This is something I have to do, and I'm relying on you to understand that and not make it difficult for me." Gently he pulled my arms from around his waist and watched as I let them fall to my sides. "You've gotta man up, kid, and realise that you can't win this fight. If I have to choose between you and Jack -"

"I know," I interrupted softly, knowing what he was about to say and finding it easy to not let it bother me. It was only natural that his son mean more to him than I did. "And I do want you to go. I just wish, I dunno, that you could split yourself in half or something."

"I would've done it months ago if I could, trust me."

"I know," I repeated. An almost comfortable acceptance crept along my veins and into my stomach as I forced myself to step back, allowing him the space he needed to move on from me and spend his Christmas elsewhere. "Time will fly by anyway. At least, I hope it does for me."

He nodded, breaking his eye contact with me and walking around to the side of the car again. "I won't pretend I hope it goes fast for me. I want to spend as much time as possible with Jack." He pulled the door open but refrained from sitting down, hesitating. I waited. "But when I get back, you and I…"

"We'll have fun," I said decisively, grinning at him with as much feeling as I could muster. "But go on, 'cos you're gonna be late if you stand around chatting with me for much longer."

A brisk nod; he slid into the car in the manliest fashion imaginable, I watched as he slipped the keys into the ignition, turning them until the car roared to life beneath his fingertips. As he settled his hands on the steering wheel, turning his head slightly and looking at me as I stepped back from the car – I half-smiled, lifting my hand in a motionless wave, awaiting his departure… only, it didn't come.

Dr. Cox rolled the window down.

"Put your hand out."

Confused, I stretched it towards him palm down – he rolled his eyes, reaching out and turning it roughly the other way so that he could place something cold within it. I looked down – the key to his apartment rested against my skin, glittering in the daylight and filling me with intense bewilderment. I looked up again, my gaze questioning.

"Early Christmas present."

I was lost. "You want me to look after your apartment for you? Feed your plants?" Wait, that didn't make sense. "But you don't have any plants."

He sighed. "You're a dumbass, aren't you?"

I folded my arms defensively. "No!"

"JD, it's a key to my apartment. A new key."

"You got your locks changed?"

"Oh, for the love of -" He stopped, taking a breath at the sheer frustration of my stupidity. He gripped the steering wheel hard. "It's for _you_, ya idiot."

I processed this. "My own key?"

"Yep."

"To… your apartment?"

"Uhuh."

"You're giving me a key to your apartment?"

He glanced at his watch, clearly annoyed. "Yes, Janice. Your own key for my apartment."

My fist tightened over the winking silver piece of metal, hardly believing what my head was telling me. "Are you… are you asking me to move in with you?"

His jaw locked, and for one horrendous moment I thought I'd got it all wrong. I opened my mouth to apologise, but he spoke over me. "I'm giving you your own key so you can come and go as you please."

_That doesn't sound promising_.

"So if it ends up that you come more than you go…" He suddenly grinned my favourite crooked smile, clearly enjoying the double-entendre of the words. "Well, then that's a chance I'm willing to take."

So… that was a yes? Dr. Cox, Perry Cox, Perry Ulysses Cox was asking me to move in with him?

I slowly walked towards the open window, my hands reaching out and resting themselves – for the sake of my own balance – against the window-frame. "I can't believe this."

"Well, believe it. Before I change my mind."

"Don't!" I cried, leaning in as quick as anything to grasp him by the front of his jacket. "I mean… don't!"

"Well, if you're gonna be a girl about it -"

I pressed my lips against his cheek, breathing in the scent of him and acknowledging that my entire body was shaking with adrenaline.

"Don't change your mind, Perry… for the love of God, don't. This is the _best_ Christmas present you could have ever given me."

He turned, capturing a kiss from me and pulling away abruptly. "Don't burn it down whilst I'm gone."

I grinned wildly, practically throwing myself away from the car, suddenly full of a happiness I hadn't expected to feel this season; now, I had something to look forward to. Now, I could wait for him in his – in _our?_ – apartment.

I had a _lot_ to sort out.

I watched as Perry shifted the car into gear, slowly inching it forward and away from me – he looked back one last time, throwing me the tiniest of smiles as he began to drive to his Christmas holiday destination. I waved, knowing as he left that I would no longer dread the days without him and could, at the very least, distract myself quite brilliantly whilst he was gone.

As the car turned the corner and out of site, I nodded to myself, embracing the swirling butterflies in my stomach with a fierce elation..

Time to get this party started!

X X X X X

_JD,_

_I figure the first thing you're going to do when I've gone is come in here and start dancing around, at which point you'll notice this letter sitting on the coffee table. Stop dancing. If you break something whilst I'm away, it'll only end badly for you._

_There's not much food in the fridge – feel free to get some stuff to fill it up, as I know you get grumpy on an empty stomach and if you're bitchy when I get back I WILL punish you. And not necessarily in a good way. Make sure you pick something up to make for dinner on the 28th, as I'm gonna be tired and will probably want to eat and go straight to bed._

_If you're complaining right now, man up – you're my official wench now, and my wenches don't complain._

_I've cleared some drawers for you in the bedroom and there's space in the left-hand closet should you need it. There's a cupboard for shoes, as you know, which I expect to be kept tidy despite whatever pumps, stilettos and sandals you plan to fill it with. As with everything else, if you fail to meet my requirements I will punish you._

_Not much else to add; lock the door at night and if you're going out, obviously. Don't have any wild parties, don't burn the place down and don't you dare decorate with any Christmassy frills. Failure = punishment. I can't stress that enough._

_See you on the 28th._

_- Perry._


	34. Breaking The Rules

_**Apologies. Just... just tons of them**_.

**Chapter Thirty-Four – Breaking The Rules**

_JD POV_

Despite my instincts to dance around the entire space before me, a space that was now to be my new sort-of-home, I knew there was too much to do, too much to sort out. I practically ran from the apartment, slamming myself against walls in my haste to get to my scooter and probably bruising the entire left side of my body in the process; I didn't feel pain, though, nor embarrassment for my blatant disregard to my easily-maimed skin – I was too full of joy, the kind of happiness that makes you feel like you're about to explode and shower everyone within speaking-distance with rainbows and glitter and the sort of weird crap you only ever see in Japanese comics... I was delirious with it, and I needed to share my delirium with someone. My fingers stumbled over the keys of my phone, desperate to get the words out so that my very best friend would come running.

_Perry gave me a key and I need to get stuff, ASAP – BEARS, ASSEMBLE!_

He met me at the nearest department store with a big grin and a bone-breaking hug, murmuring sweet words of encouragement in my ear until we finally broke apart and he could finally say the words neither of us had ever imagined would come out of his mouth.

"I guess he really does care about you, buddy."

I nodded. "I can't believe it, none of it! I know we were starting to get serious 'cos he stopped groaning whenever I called him my boyfriend, but _this_..."

He slapped me on the back, not needing me to finish the sentence. "I know, man, I know." We turned in unison to start walking towards the home department, the grin on my cheeks beginning to hurt. "So what kind of stuff are you gonna get?"

I hesitated, Perry's threats lingering in my mind. "Kinda depends on whether I want to be punished or not."

Turk frowned. "What's he going to punish you for?"

"He wrote me a letter basically telling me that if I dress up his apartment in Christmassy goodness he'll be pissed."

"But..."

"But I'm not planning on caring," I admitted, my eyes crinkling with mirth as I pictured the makeover I had planned for his cold, white apartment. "I know he's not the festive type and everything but I can't help but hope that if I make the effort, if I make it look pretty and warm and inviting he won't punish me and will just kind of get used to it."

Turk shot me a glance. "You mean you hope he'll get used to _you_, right?"

"Right."

He shrugged. "Then what are we waiting for? To the Christmas decorations!"

I cheered. "EAAAAAGLEEEE!"

Our descent upon the Christmas department was lethal. Not content with choosing a colour scheme and settling for 'less is more' as Turk discreetly suggested, I bought heaps upon heaps of coloured lights, tinsel and ornaments; the star was so big we had to get a separate cart for it, and there were so many ornaments that they kept falling out of the bigger cart and leaving one of us trailing behind as we picked them up and shoved them unceremoniously back in. We both picked out differently detailed Santa hats for both Perry and myself, choosing a black and green one with 'Scrooge' written in big letters on the rim for Dr. Cox and a superbly fluffy and glittery red-and-white one for me; we wore these as we wheeled ourselves through the aisles, singing Christmas songs none-too-quietly and exclaiming over the amazing Christmas-themed pet toys and costumes for animals (we chose an elf outfit for Rowdy with gleeful whoops of anticipation). By the time we reached the check-out, my credit card was sobbing and my heart was thudding as I paid for something I would probably pay for in a different way when Perry returned home.

"Okay, that's done. Other than a tree, do we need anything else?"

I nodded, mentally checking stuff off in my head. "I wanna get some stuff to fill up my drawers at his place, basics... maybe get some nice photo frames to put up, a few cushions for the couch, a new comforter for the bed -"

"He's gonna kill you," Turk informed me, shaking his head.

"Yep," I agreed heartily, pushing the lighter cart out of the doors and towards Turks car. "You'd be amazed how much I don't care right now."

Shopping for the other stuff took longer and required a lot of input from the shop assistants; I had six of them at once holding up various cushions, Turk and I staring at them with a critical eye until we finally agreed on two different types to mix-and-match. We ended up leaving the store with a cart nearly has big as the one we had filled with Christmas decs, random bits and pieces shoved into the backseat and trunk of Turk's car until we finally deemed ourselves ready to pick a tree and head back to Perry's – _mine_ and Perry's – apartment to decorate. I studiously ignored the nagging voice in the back of my head that told me to at _least_ take back the singing penguin, humming it away even as we loaded up our arms with shopping bags and stumbled up to the fifth floor of my new apartment building. Getting the tree up there ended up messy, a trail of pine-needles tracing our path until we finally had it placed in front of the big window overlooking the road and trees outside the front of the building.

Halfway into decorating, Turk's phone rang.

"Hey baby."

I continued working, wrapping lights around the tree and ignoring my screaming muscles as they cried in the process. I couldn't help but notice his voice getting lower, tone almost pleading; I listened, trying to appear nonchalant.

"No, Carla, I... no, he's doing what he wants to do, it's not our business... I get that, honey, but it's up to JD what he decides is right and what isn't -"

_Oh, great_. "Turk, give me the phone."

He turned to face me, shaking his head. "Carla, he's a grown man -"

"Turk -"

"I know you're concerned, but he's old enough to make his own decisions! No, I'm not – I'm not yelling at you, baby, I just think -"

I leaned over and yanked the phone from his grip, pressing it to my ear and taking a deep breath as a torrent of words filled my ears. "Hey Carla."

She stopped. "JD. Look -"

"Yes?"

"Don't you think you're moving a little fast? I know you love him and he says he loves you, but have you really thought about this?"

"Not really," I replied honestly, not feeling in the least bit concerned that I hadn't actually considered what I was doing, "and I don't need to. I know what you're going to say -"

"He has a _son,_ JD -"

I nodded against the phone. "I know that."

"How are you going to explain to that little boy that his mommy and daddy aren't together anymore, but that instead he has another daddy?"

Surprise coursed through me: it was something I genuinely hadn't considered. "I... I don't know, but..."

Her tone was gentle, kind. "If you're really serious about moving in with Dr. Cox, you have to realise that this is what's on the table. You're not just taking a big step with Perry, JD, you're taking on the responsibility of a child too. You have to decide if it's really worth the emotional upheaval of that."

She was right, and it sucked. "I didn't think about Jack. At all."

"I understand," she said softly, generous in her lack of righteous tone. "But you need to. If you're not in this for the long-haul -"

"I _am_," I insisted, surer of that than anything else, "I am, Carla, I want to be with him for the rest of my life." The truth of those words hit me, yet another shock to the system. "I... I really _do_!"

I could hear the suppressed smile in her voice. "And I'm happy for you. I really am, JD, please don't think I'm not – all I want is your happiness."

"I know."

"But you need to decide if you want to be a dad, and if you're prepared for the difficulties that'll come with being in a gay relationship and taking on Jack."

Self-righteous anger filled me. "Are you saying there's something wrong with two men raising a child?!"

"No, no! As long as a child is loved and taken care of it doesn't matter _who_ their parents are!"

I took in a calming breath, knowing I was using my own new panic about what I was taking on against her. "Right. Sorry. Sorry, Carla. I'm just kind of overwhelmed, I... I can't believe I never considered Jack in any of this. I'm such an _ass_."

"You're not," she stipulated kindly, "you were just excited."

"Mm."

"I do think you need to think about it, though," she pressed quietly, clearly a lot calmer than I was about the whole thing. "Just give it some thought before he gets back."

"I wish I was thinking as clearly as you."

She laughed. "I'll tell you one thing, though... even if you haven't considered it, chances are that he probably has."

This was true, if nothing else. "You're right."

"I know," she said breezily, "as usual." We were both silent for a few moments, pondering my predicament. "You want to pass me back to Turk?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure. I'll speak to you later, Carla."

"Text me, okay?"

I sighed. "I will. See ya." I passed the phone back to Turk, letting them finish their conversation in peace whilst I absent-mindedly continued to decorate the tree.

How had I not thought of it before? Dr. Cox loved his son more than anything, more than me, more than Jordan, more than the first scotch of a weekend... how had it not even crossed my mind that I was essentially taking on a son? It wasn't as if I thought Jack would see me that way, it was so complicated even to my own apparently adult mind that it was impossible to consider that the small head of Perry's child would think of me in that way... yet even as I acknowledged it I couldn't help but notice the slight buzz I felt at the idea of being a Dad, and a Dad to a kid I had seen on his very first day of living, one of the first. I knew I wasn't ready to have my own child brought into the world, but did that mean I couldn't be a sort-of father-figure to the son of the man I loved?

It baffled me.

Turk was suddenly beside me. "You okay, V-Bear?"

I forced out a laugh. "Y'know, I have no idea."

"Do you want to stop decorating?"

I considered the question, my eyes spanning the room that was already abundant with colour and sparkle; I had put my all in trying to make it look like a magical grotto, somewhere that Perry could walk into and feel like he was finally home... even if I would eventually decide that it wasn't to be mine. I swallowed.

"No. No, I'll keep going. You should probably get back to Carla, though."

Turk took my dismissal well. "Sure, no problem. I haven't even put up _our_ decorations yet as she so pleasantly just reminded me."

I half-grinned, too distracted for it to be completely genuine. "Go do it. You don't wanna be in her bad books."

He pulled me into a bear-hug, patting me on the back. "Thanks for wanting me to be a part of all this, buddy. I know I was kind of weird about it at the beginning but -"

"It's okay," I intercepted, knowing it would be hard for him to say. "I'm glad you were here too."

* * *

**X**

I thought about it all a lot over the next few days. Christmas at the Turk household was great as ever, even if I was almost completely distracted; Carla had invited over Nurse Roberts and her husband for dinner, all five of us sitting around the table and a giant turkey, sharing funny Christmas stories from our childhoods and some equally horrifying ones from more recent years. We pulled crackers, wore the hats, took about a gazillion photos and ate far too much, opening gifts and drinking eggnog like it was going out of fashion – as we watched _It's A Wonderful Life_ and settled in for the evening, I knew that I was content. This was life as I knew it, a traditional Christmas since starting at Sacred Heart and the sort of tradition I would find hard to leave behind.

Because I knew, as I smiled and posed for photographs wearing the new garish Christmas-jumper bought for me by Turk, that I would be starting a new tradition. I knew by the early hours of the next day, as I went to bed alone and stared at the ceiling with an odd buzzing in my ears, that I would be moving my stuff into Perry's apartment and taking on everything that came with it.

A text arrived just as I was drifting off, lighting up the room and making my heart leap out of my chest as the vibrations rattled against the bedside cabinet.

_Perry (1:04am):_ _It's late, but Merry Christmas. _X

The kiss made me smile like a fool despite the shortness of the text.

_Merry Christmas, Perry. XXX_

Fully expecting that to be the end of it, I settled back down onto my pillows, only to find myself diving for my cell as it went off again.

_Perry (1:11am): The massacre left behind from Jack opening presents is still being cleared up as we speak. He was weirdly delighted at the clementine at the bottom of his stocking. Was that you? X_

I grinned into the darkness.

_You said he'd been good this year. When I was a good boy, Mom would put a clementine at the bottom of my stocking. Sometimes a piece of coal too, just to mix things up. I used to cry if there was coal. XXX_

_Perry (1:29am): Don't you mean if you'd been a good girl? X_

_Har har. You're hysterical. I'm crying with laughter... XXX_

_Perry (1:33am): You're crying? At least I know nothing's changed. You still cry at nothing. X_

_Are you going to keep being horrible to me? You didn't even leave me anything to open, I'm heartbroken right now. XXX_

_Perry (1:40am): Was the key not enough? Maybe I should take it back if you're going to whine about it... X_

_NO! XXX_

_Perry (1:48am) I trust you're adhering to my rules? X_

_Of course I am! I'm hurt that you would think otherwise. XXX_

_Perry (1:56am): Good. I won't give you your other presents if you're lying to me, though. X_

_I have more presents?! XXX_

_Perry (2:07am): Maybe. Have you been a good girl this year? X_

_Depends on what you mean by good girl... XXX_

_Perry (2:13am): Good point. I can think of at least three things that would count as you being a very, very bad girl. X_

A thrill went through me; god, he was WAY too far away for that sort of talk right now.

_You're cruel. XXX_

_Perry (2:22am): I may have to punish you. X_

_COME HERE AND SAY THAT. XXX_

_Perry (2:30am): You'd like that, wouldn't you? X_

I began to type a furious/horny/mushy text back until my phone vibrated again, another text popping up.

_Perry (2:33am): Screw it – I'd like that too. Very much. X_

My heart leapt in my chest.

_You would? Do you miss me? XXX_

_Perry (2:39am): Don't make me say it, Newbie. X_

_SAY IT NOWWWWWWWW! XXX_

_Perry (2:45am): No. Go to sleep. It's late. Goodnight. X_

He was so damned stubborn!

_Fine, whateverrr. I'm crying and snotting everywhere now, because of you. XXX_

_Perry (2:51am): You disgust me. Goodnight, JD. Sleep well. X_

I huffed, knowing I was probably beaten.

_You too. I love you. XXX_

* * *

**X**

When I woke up the next morning, I had three unread messages:

_Perry (3:01am): As it's still sort of Christmas..._

_Perry (3:02am): I love you too. X_

_Perry (4:13am): I guess I miss you, too. X_


End file.
